A Young Man's Journey
2
Hm... I'll just leave this here. I've only read it over twice, so errors abound. I haven't written in a while either, so... pardon the quality. Updates as usual, will be done in my binge style, so expect the unexpected
Chapter 1: The Broken
Chapter 1: The Broken
Spoiler:
1
And here's a new chapter. It's a bit raw as well, but I cranked it out quite fast. It finally happened.
Chapter 2: A Long-Awaited Moment
Chapter 2: A Long-Awaited Moment
Spoiler:
1
Been a while, but here's a new chapter. This one specifically establishes the mood and direction this story will be going from this point on. Make no mistake though, there will still be plenty of lewd. In fact, expect it in the next installment coming out whenever.
Chapter 3: Back in Action
Chapter 3: Back in Action
Spoiler:
1
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
I almost thought that this was a new series entirely since it was renamed, but it seems to be a new arc. I'll give my thoughts on each chapter.
---
Chapter 1: The Broken
So, recalling what I could from when I last read this series years ago will be tough, but I'll do my best.
It was very intense at the beginning, things were very dramatic as there was a lot of emotion from James waking up. Almost a bit melodramatic. Seemed like slapping Charlotte was a bit of an overreaction in my eyes and makes James out to be easy to lash out in abuse when angry and scared, and maybe that's what you were aiming for, but it seemed over-the-top for what I remember of his typical mentality. After that, though, the emotion from the scenes are described well enough. I'd say the part with Reimi being fixated on her imperfection and sad that her body will never return to being as good as it used to be for her, there is a slight bit of existential dread in the sadness of one's body changing against one's will that really had me feeling for her in that moment, so well done.
The erotic scene was well enough. Although the sentence "He fired one thick ropey strand after another, four months’ worth of backed up sexual frustration being unleashed down Charlotte’s throat." had me thinking too much about the simularities between it and the fabled Sword Art Online Extra Chapter line "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into asuna." It didn't destroy the moment for me, but it was something amusing I thought about in that moment.
Anyway, well done and here are the glaring errors I noticed.
---
Chapter 2: A Long-Awaited Moment
This was an intense chapter, a lot of emotional moments. I'm glad that James could bring Reimi out of her funk. There were a few things that I'm not sure would line up well realistically, but that's okay. I'm mainly thinking of how they probably would want to get patients out of the hospital as soon as possible, and there's probably no reason at all they would admit Reimi in when her issue would have been determined to be psychological in nature. It's alright to set that aside, though.
The situation with Nurse Stacy was kind of funny. Interesting fantasy material, but also a funny porn trope. I'm sure it must have been fun to write about. There's an issue with Nurse Stacy, however. She asks James why his identity is being kept secret, but then later says his name, Master Sorrowsworn, when taking the tray away when Charlotte arrives. I guess either secrets get whispered around or this is a mistake. Or perhaps it is only being kept a secret from the public, as the next chapter is telling me.
Well done with this chapter and here are the errors that I noticed. Ask me if any are not obvious.
---
Chapter 3: Back in Action
I suppose keeping James' identity secret was held by the hospital staff so she knows his name in confidence.
You know, I kind of suspected that Stacy was a spy of some sort, but I thought, well then why isn't she just poisoning James' meals that she's making him?
Stacy stayed on the car because she thought James and Charlotte would get out of it? Before Reimi caught up to her? That's a stretch.
I'm actually impressed at the chase scene. It goes on a little long, but I could imagine it playing out like in an action film.
The rest of it was pretty nice, I especially enjoyed that reunion with Cecelia and imagining that lime green car going by the countryside in the fall. A very picturesque image.
Great work on this chapter, crazr, and I'm pleased to be caught up now. I'll be looking forward to the next installation sometime soon, I hope.
Here are the relevant fixes I noticed. Ask if any need explaining:
---
Chapter 1: The Broken
So, recalling what I could from when I last read this series years ago will be tough, but I'll do my best.
It was very intense at the beginning, things were very dramatic as there was a lot of emotion from James waking up. Almost a bit melodramatic. Seemed like slapping Charlotte was a bit of an overreaction in my eyes and makes James out to be easy to lash out in abuse when angry and scared, and maybe that's what you were aiming for, but it seemed over-the-top for what I remember of his typical mentality. After that, though, the emotion from the scenes are described well enough. I'd say the part with Reimi being fixated on her imperfection and sad that her body will never return to being as good as it used to be for her, there is a slight bit of existential dread in the sadness of one's body changing against one's will that really had me feeling for her in that moment, so well done.
The erotic scene was well enough. Although the sentence "He fired one thick ropey strand after another, four months’ worth of backed up sexual frustration being unleashed down Charlotte’s throat." had me thinking too much about the simularities between it and the fabled Sword Art Online Extra Chapter line "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into asuna." It didn't destroy the moment for me, but it was something amusing I thought about in that moment.
Anyway, well done and here are the glaring errors I noticed.
Instead, he simply he let Charlotte lead the kiss while stroking him.
“Stopr right there!” said Charlotte.
---
Chapter 2: A Long-Awaited Moment
This was an intense chapter, a lot of emotional moments. I'm glad that James could bring Reimi out of her funk. There were a few things that I'm not sure would line up well realistically, but that's okay. I'm mainly thinking of how they probably would want to get patients out of the hospital as soon as possible, and there's probably no reason at all they would admit Reimi in when her issue would have been determined to be psychological in nature. It's alright to set that aside, though.
The situation with Nurse Stacy was kind of funny. Interesting fantasy material, but also a funny porn trope. I'm sure it must have been fun to write about. There's an issue with Nurse Stacy, however. She asks James why his identity is being kept secret, but then later says his name, Master Sorrowsworn, when taking the tray away when Charlotte arrives. I guess either secrets get whispered around or this is a mistake. Or perhaps it is only being kept a secret from the public, as the next chapter is telling me.
Well done with this chapter and here are the errors that I noticed. Ask me if any are not obvious.
James took the last bite of his meal just as he turned her attention to him.
“I really will miss this Charlotte.”
He then though about being able to take Stacey.
“You weren’t the worse,” said Reimi as she planted a kiss on his forehead.
He laughed louder than he could remember in recent time as he moved and laid beside her.
---
Chapter 3: Back in Action
I suppose keeping James' identity secret was held by the hospital staff so she knows his name in confidence.
You know, I kind of suspected that Stacy was a spy of some sort, but I thought, well then why isn't she just poisoning James' meals that she's making him?
Stacy stayed on the car because she thought James and Charlotte would get out of it? Before Reimi caught up to her? That's a stretch.
I'm actually impressed at the chase scene. It goes on a little long, but I could imagine it playing out like in an action film.
The rest of it was pretty nice, I especially enjoyed that reunion with Cecelia and imagining that lime green car going by the countryside in the fall. A very picturesque image.
Great work on this chapter, crazr, and I'm pleased to be caught up now. I'll be looking forward to the next installation sometime soon, I hope.
Here are the relevant fixes I noticed. Ask if any need explaining:
Reimi leaned forward to see pass James and saw the person of interest.
As Stacey reach the opposite end and continued to run, Reimi leaped onto the vent and dashed across it as fast as she could to make up time.
She pushed through the crowed only to be met by a clothesline from James’ forearm.
1
Oh my goodness, this is way more than I expected, Xenon. Thank you so much for reading it. It's been hard to get back into the swing of things, but I've been trying my hardest. I'm actually heavily editing the first part of this story so that there are as little inconsistencies as possible. It's been grueling, but it's a good way to get my mind off of all the teacher work and responsibilities.
I see that you have some small gripes and the like, so I thought it best if I reply to them!
It was very intense at the beginning, things were very dramatic as there was a lot of emotion from James waking up. Almost a bit melodramatic. Seemed like slapping Charlotte was a bit of an overreaction in my eyes and makes James out to be easy to lash out in abuse when angry and scared, and maybe that's what you were aiming for, but it seemed over-the-top for what I remember of his typical mentality. After that, though, the emotion from the scenes are described well enough. I'd say the part with Reimi being fixated on her imperfection and sad that her body will never return to being as good as it used to be for her, there is a slight bit of existential dread in the sadness of one's body changing against one's will that really had me feeling for her in that moment, so well done.
The erotic scene was well enough. Although the sentence "He fired one thick ropey strand after another, four months’ worth of backed up sexual frustration being unleashed down Charlotte’s throat." had me thinking too much about the simularities between it and the fabled Sword Art Online Extra Chapter line "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into asuna." It didn't destroy the moment for me, but it was something amusing I thought about in that moment.
I've only ever shown James being irrationally emotional in one other part of the story, so I understand how it seems out of place. The main idea of him lashing out was to get across the thought that he might subconsciously have some of his mother's traits and that he needs to do his best to not act like her. That's why he apologized immediately. As for Reimi, your reaction was what I wanted! I'm glad I could express her emotions in a way that allow you to identify, sympathize, and/or empathize with her.
I find it funny that you found a glaring similarity in a line I wrote and a story from Wattpad regardless of how absurd the connection.
This was an intense chapter, a lot of emotional moments. I'm glad that James could bring Reimi out of her funk. There were a few things that I'm not sure would line up well realistically, but that's okay. I'm mainly thinking of how they probably would want to get patients out of the hospital as soon as possible, and there's probably no reason at all they would admit Reimi in when her issue would have been determined to be psychological in nature. It's alright to set that aside, though.
The situation with Nurse Stacy was kind of funny. Interesting fantasy material, but also a funny porn trope. I'm sure it must have been fun to write about. There's an issue with Nurse Stacy, however. She asks James why his identity is being kept secret, but then later says his name, Master Sorrowsworn, when taking the tray away when Charlotte arrives. I guess either secrets get whispered around or this is a mistake. Or perhaps it is only being kept a secret from the public, as the next chapter is telling me.
I was really hoping you wouldn't point out how long Reimi had been admitted. It's a big plot point I was hoping many people would ignore, but I should know better with you. Yes, she should be evaluated for something psychological, but I thought it most convenient for the scene and situation if I could come up with a reason for her to stay even if it wasn't the best reason.
The idea behind Stacey was to try something refreshing and raunchy, so I'm glad you liked it. While the idea was that secrets get around, I realized well after when I published this that I could tidy it up a bit. For now, I'm leaving it the way it is.
I suppose keeping James' identity secret was held by the hospital staff so she knows his name in confidence.
You know, I kind of suspected that Stacy was a spy of some sort, but I thought, well then why isn't she just poisoning James' meals that she's making him?
Stacy stayed on the car because she thought James and Charlotte would get out of it? Before Reimi caught up to her? That's a stretch.
I'm actually impressed at the chase scene. It goes on a little long, but I could imagine it playing out like in an action film.
The rest of it was pretty nice, I especially enjoyed that reunion with Cecelia and imagining that lime green car going by the countryside in the fall. A very picturesque image.
Great work on this chapter, crazr, and I'm pleased to be caught up now. I'll be looking forward to the next installation sometime soon, I hope.
It seems I didn't do a good job at keeping Stacey's ulterior motives a secret, haha. As for why she just didn't poison him, the idea behind her actions revolved around the belief that she knows James is alive and that he has people who want to help and overthrow his mother. Since she didn't know just how many people he had, she was trying to ply James so that she could weed out everyone involved.
Yeah, that car thing was kind of a stretch. I got nothing for it... Hahaha!
You are the third person after my fiancee and Yuri to say that you enjoyed the chase scene. Sorry that you thought it ran a little long, but it's nice to hear you describe it the same way they did.
I didn't expect some serene or relaxing feeling to be associated with the last bit of the story, but I'm still glad it is! I would like to say that updates will be a bit inconsistent, but I hope it won't be too bad. Thanks again for all the help and I'll try to get all the errors fixed up as soon as possible.
I see that you have some small gripes and the like, so I thought it best if I reply to them!
Xenon wrote...
Chapter 1: The BrokenIt was very intense at the beginning, things were very dramatic as there was a lot of emotion from James waking up. Almost a bit melodramatic. Seemed like slapping Charlotte was a bit of an overreaction in my eyes and makes James out to be easy to lash out in abuse when angry and scared, and maybe that's what you were aiming for, but it seemed over-the-top for what I remember of his typical mentality. After that, though, the emotion from the scenes are described well enough. I'd say the part with Reimi being fixated on her imperfection and sad that her body will never return to being as good as it used to be for her, there is a slight bit of existential dread in the sadness of one's body changing against one's will that really had me feeling for her in that moment, so well done.
The erotic scene was well enough. Although the sentence "He fired one thick ropey strand after another, four months’ worth of backed up sexual frustration being unleashed down Charlotte’s throat." had me thinking too much about the simularities between it and the fabled Sword Art Online Extra Chapter line "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into asuna." It didn't destroy the moment for me, but it was something amusing I thought about in that moment.
I've only ever shown James being irrationally emotional in one other part of the story, so I understand how it seems out of place. The main idea of him lashing out was to get across the thought that he might subconsciously have some of his mother's traits and that he needs to do his best to not act like her. That's why he apologized immediately. As for Reimi, your reaction was what I wanted! I'm glad I could express her emotions in a way that allow you to identify, sympathize, and/or empathize with her.
I find it funny that you found a glaring similarity in a line I wrote and a story from Wattpad regardless of how absurd the connection.
Xenon wrote...
Chapter 2: A Long-Awaited MomentThis was an intense chapter, a lot of emotional moments. I'm glad that James could bring Reimi out of her funk. There were a few things that I'm not sure would line up well realistically, but that's okay. I'm mainly thinking of how they probably would want to get patients out of the hospital as soon as possible, and there's probably no reason at all they would admit Reimi in when her issue would have been determined to be psychological in nature. It's alright to set that aside, though.
The situation with Nurse Stacy was kind of funny. Interesting fantasy material, but also a funny porn trope. I'm sure it must have been fun to write about. There's an issue with Nurse Stacy, however. She asks James why his identity is being kept secret, but then later says his name, Master Sorrowsworn, when taking the tray away when Charlotte arrives. I guess either secrets get whispered around or this is a mistake. Or perhaps it is only being kept a secret from the public, as the next chapter is telling me.
I was really hoping you wouldn't point out how long Reimi had been admitted. It's a big plot point I was hoping many people would ignore, but I should know better with you. Yes, she should be evaluated for something psychological, but I thought it most convenient for the scene and situation if I could come up with a reason for her to stay even if it wasn't the best reason.
The idea behind Stacey was to try something refreshing and raunchy, so I'm glad you liked it. While the idea was that secrets get around, I realized well after when I published this that I could tidy it up a bit. For now, I'm leaving it the way it is.
Xenon wrote...
Chapter 3: Back in ActionI suppose keeping James' identity secret was held by the hospital staff so she knows his name in confidence.
You know, I kind of suspected that Stacy was a spy of some sort, but I thought, well then why isn't she just poisoning James' meals that she's making him?
Stacy stayed on the car because she thought James and Charlotte would get out of it? Before Reimi caught up to her? That's a stretch.
I'm actually impressed at the chase scene. It goes on a little long, but I could imagine it playing out like in an action film.
The rest of it was pretty nice, I especially enjoyed that reunion with Cecelia and imagining that lime green car going by the countryside in the fall. A very picturesque image.
Great work on this chapter, crazr, and I'm pleased to be caught up now. I'll be looking forward to the next installation sometime soon, I hope.
It seems I didn't do a good job at keeping Stacey's ulterior motives a secret, haha. As for why she just didn't poison him, the idea behind her actions revolved around the belief that she knows James is alive and that he has people who want to help and overthrow his mother. Since she didn't know just how many people he had, she was trying to ply James so that she could weed out everyone involved.
Yeah, that car thing was kind of a stretch. I got nothing for it... Hahaha!
You are the third person after my fiancee and Yuri to say that you enjoyed the chase scene. Sorry that you thought it ran a little long, but it's nice to hear you describe it the same way they did.
I didn't expect some serene or relaxing feeling to be associated with the last bit of the story, but I'm still glad it is! I would like to say that updates will be a bit inconsistent, but I hope it won't be too bad. Thanks again for all the help and I'll try to get all the errors fixed up as soon as possible.
1
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
crazr wrote...
Oh my goodness, this is way more than I expected, Xenon. Thank you so much for reading it. It's been hard to get back into the swing of things, but I've been trying my hardest. I'm actually heavily editing the first part of this story so that there are as little inconsistencies as possible. It's been grueling, but it's a good way to get my mind off of all the teacher work and responsibilities.Hey, my pleasure. Sorry that it took me so long to notice it. But senpai eventually noticed you after all, kohai.
I hope that your teaching responsibilities aren't overly burdening you. I understand that it can be more than a handful of hard work, however.
crazr wrote...
The main idea of him lashing out was to get across the thought that he might subconsciously have some of his mother's traits and that he needs to do his best to not act like her. That's why he apologized immediately.Yes, I suspected that you were trying to do this, and I can see that from one element because of your emphasis on describing the memories of Cecelia being struck.
crazr wrote...
I was really hoping you wouldn't point out how long Reimi had been admitted. It's a big plot point I was hoping many people would ignore, but I should know better with you. Yes, she should be evaluated for something psychological, but I thought it most convenient for the scene and situation if I could come up with a reason for her to stay even if it wasn't the best reason.Sorry to disappoint you by noticing your plot holes. If you want to leave it in through convenience, that's fine. It didn't exactly inhibit my enjoyment of your writing, but perhaps a similar effect might have been conveyed by having her shadow Charlotte and be extra clingy? Or have her be suspiciously silent and depressed? Have Charlotte lock her in James' room until he can convince her to snap out of it? Those are my initial suggestions, but you can do as you see fit.
crazr wrote...
It seems I didn't do a good job at keeping Stacey's ulterior motives a secret, haha.You probably did a fine job, but I know better than to trust new characters that try to appeal to a character when they're weak in order to get close alone time with them, especially when they later mention how much they adore them and the maid lady who saved them even when most would ignore such a person, and a spy would make it their business to remember. You can just call me paranoid, but I like to call things out ahead of time if I can. If I did, you would have proof that I figured it out before I read it, Haha!
crazr wrote...
You are the third person after my fiancee and Yuri to say that you enjoyed the chase scene. Sorry that you thought it ran a little long, but it's nice to hear you describe it the same way they did.It's nothing to apologize for. Clearly it worked for what you intended and it's nice to have a bit of action in this story when you're building up the tension to be life-threatening. This is what we can expect. I look forward to seeing how you write about James "torturing" information out of her. And if that's the case, I suppose we can add "orgasm denial" to the kink tags of this story. I jest, though. Do as you wish (but I claim no responsibility for whatever seed this comment plants in your mind).
crazr wrote...
I didn't expect some serene or relaxing feeling to be associated with the last bit of the story, but I'm still glad it is! I would like to say that updates will be a bit inconsistent, but I hope it won't be too bad. Thanks again for all the help and I'll try to get all the errors fixed up as soon as possible.I suspect it might have been their light-hardheartedness that caused me to feel a bit more calm even considering there was an attempted murderer in the back (and not the trunk?) Please, though, feel free to update as often as you see fit. It's completely understandable and make no attempt to rush. The longer it's in the works, the better the quality, I always say.
0
Oh my stars, it has been a while. I finally got a break from my program and I used it to write this (not so) fantastic chapter quite quickly. In all honesty, I finished everything but the lewd scene before the end of Christmas break and thought about submitting it then. I ended up not doing so and finally just wrote the lewd scene now. Looking at currently, I feel I should have submitted it back then since the naughty part seems carelessly tacked on, haha.
On a side note, once I fill some paper work, I am officially a credentialed teacher! All I need to complete the the look is... well... a job, haha. Hopefully, that comes by a lot easier. Unfortunately, as a teacher, that means I need to be extra private with stuff too. So if anyone needs anything from me of the personal variety, please PM me!
Without further ado, here is the chapter! Boy, I feel both good and bad for James at the end.
Chapter 4: The Message
On a side note, once I fill some paper work, I am officially a credentialed teacher! All I need to complete the the look is... well... a job, haha. Hopefully, that comes by a lot easier. Unfortunately, as a teacher, that means I need to be extra private with stuff too. So if anyone needs anything from me of the personal variety, please PM me!
Without further ado, here is the chapter! Boy, I feel both good and bad for James at the end.
Chapter 4: The Message
Spoiler:
1
Here's a new chapter. Slowly but surely, I will see this to the bitter end! Haha.
Chapter 5: Highway Spectacle
Chapter 5: Highway Spectacle
Spoiler:
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
I seem to have missed chapter 4 being posted for one reason or another, so I am reading it now.
Chapter 4: The Message
Overall Chapter 4 was interesting and I'm glad to see some development with their little captive. I have no idea how things will progress with James' conscience begging a different course of action, but perhaps I shall see next chapter. Also, I enjoyed how you leaned further into some femdom for the sex scene, it was very interesting to read.
Fixes:
pattern
smiled
straddled
they
her
---
Chapter 5: Highway Spectacle
Chapter 5 was intense, you really went above and beyond for detailing the action scenes here. It played out like a movie in my head and I'm glad to see that our hero and heroines came out unscathed. Great work here with these two chapters, I will look forward to the cruise chapters and whatever excitement they might bring.
Fixes:
thought
End quotation
theme
its
passed
Period should be a comma, then don't capitalize 'She.'
this
catching up fast
too
End quotation
Chapter 4: The Message
Overall Chapter 4 was interesting and I'm glad to see some development with their little captive. I have no idea how things will progress with James' conscience begging a different course of action, but perhaps I shall see next chapter. Also, I enjoyed how you leaned further into some femdom for the sex scene, it was very interesting to read.
Fixes:
crazr wrote...
He counted three diagonal marks that went in an alternating patter from the bottom of her shoulder blades to the middle of her back.pattern
crazr wrote...
“It’s attractive when you speak French!” James smile as he noticed Cecelia blush and the other woman giggle as they exited his room.smiled
crazr wrote...
She took no caution and went over her hair, covering it in the adhesive cloth alongside her cheekw, mouth, and almost her nose.crazr wrote...
His attempt at getting up was halted as Reimi straddle him and pulled his arms back to cuff to the bars on the headboard.straddled
crazr wrote...
With a press, his eyes widened as the stirred to life.they
crazr wrote...
Reimi flicked he tongue at the slit occasionally while sucking on him.her
---
Chapter 5: Highway Spectacle
Chapter 5 was intense, you really went above and beyond for detailing the action scenes here. It played out like a movie in my head and I'm glad to see that our hero and heroines came out unscathed. Great work here with these two chapters, I will look forward to the cruise chapters and whatever excitement they might bring.
Fixes:
crazr wrote...
“I though you would know that Reimi’s was dancing.thought
crazr wrote...
“Charlotte… I didn’t mean…End quotation
crazr wrote...
“Guess we were spoiled by everything from beaches to them parks being so close by.theme
crazr wrote...
While Cecelia was silent, her eyes were fixated on the bus that tried it’s best to thrash off the swarm of cars around it.its
crazr wrote...
Cecelia took short deep breaths that gradually became a longer.crazr wrote...
She watched as they zipped pass the last decelerating car.passed
crazr wrote...
With her task done. She pulled herself back into the car and opened the glove box.Period should be a comma, then don't capitalize 'She.'
crazr wrote...
“She won’t risk hitting anyone with these many cars around.this
crazr wrote...
James looked back at Stacey fast catching up.catching up fast
crazr wrote...
“You talk about Reimi being able to defend me, but you can do it to!”too
crazr wrote...
“So do we,End quotation
1
I didn't expect you to read it so quickly. Yeah, I released another chapter some time this year. One or two seems to be the speed with how busy I am. Since there are an embarrassingly large amount of edits, I am so sorry. It seems the older I get, the shittier my spelling and grammar gets. All those missed quotations are a sign of slipping concentration though. Kids are a big wear on mentality.
Chapter 4: The Message
Overall Chapter 4 was interesting and I'm glad to see some development with their little captive. I have no idea how things will progress with James' conscience begging a different course of action, but perhaps I shall see next chapter. Also, I enjoyed how you leaned further into some femdom for the sex scene, it was very interesting to read.
I tried to give all the girls a little development between Charlotte and Reimi being in a mood to Cecelia trying to be more social. As for the sex scene, Reimi has a history of being quite domineering in this story, though she hasn't really had the the spotlight to show how much since Charlotte keeps taking it. I found this to finally be an opportunity to show just how much their is to handle when trying to please her.
Chapter 5 was intense, you really went above and beyond for detailing the action scenes here. It played out like a movie in my head and I'm glad to see that our hero and heroines came out unscathed. Great work here with these two chapters, I will look forward to the cruise chapters and whatever excitement they might bring.
It was fun writing the scene and I was actually a little inspired by Mad Max. I wanted their to be a subtle Assassin's Creed style chase scene on the docks before boarding the ship, but I changed it to a highway brawl after having rewatched Mad Max. Yeah it's a bit more over the top, but I had fun writing it. Plus, I also got to flaunt some Charlotte's talents. I've always wanted to, but never could fit it in the original story. James was supposed to find out about her talents gradually, but being surprised by them was equally interesting I thought.
Xenon wrote...
I seem to have missed chapter 4 being posted for one reason or another, so I am reading it now.Chapter 4: The Message
Overall Chapter 4 was interesting and I'm glad to see some development with their little captive. I have no idea how things will progress with James' conscience begging a different course of action, but perhaps I shall see next chapter. Also, I enjoyed how you leaned further into some femdom for the sex scene, it was very interesting to read.
I tried to give all the girls a little development between Charlotte and Reimi being in a mood to Cecelia trying to be more social. As for the sex scene, Reimi has a history of being quite domineering in this story, though she hasn't really had the the spotlight to show how much since Charlotte keeps taking it. I found this to finally be an opportunity to show just how much their is to handle when trying to please her.
Xenon wrote...
Chapter 5: Highway SpectacleChapter 5 was intense, you really went above and beyond for detailing the action scenes here. It played out like a movie in my head and I'm glad to see that our hero and heroines came out unscathed. Great work here with these two chapters, I will look forward to the cruise chapters and whatever excitement they might bring.
It was fun writing the scene and I was actually a little inspired by Mad Max. I wanted their to be a subtle Assassin's Creed style chase scene on the docks before boarding the ship, but I changed it to a highway brawl after having rewatched Mad Max. Yeah it's a bit more over the top, but I had fun writing it. Plus, I also got to flaunt some Charlotte's talents. I've always wanted to, but never could fit it in the original story. James was supposed to find out about her talents gradually, but being surprised by them was equally interesting I thought.
1
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1
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