Days in Nature (Rewrite In Progress)
1
I've decided to completely rework this short story into something completely different. I couldn't continue with the vanilla plot it was developing and needed to change the characters from cardboard to fictional characters. I'm open to criticism, so please post your thoughts.
Edit: Third page is up.
Edit: Third page is up.
Spoiler:
0
A pretty awkward meeting, but this is just the beginning.
Is "Untitle" a typo? Other than that teensy weensy mistake,
I think you'll do great. Good luck on future chapters.
Is "Untitle" a typo? Other than that teensy weensy mistake,
I think you'll do great. Good luck on future chapters.
0
It's supposed to be awkward, but yeah I have some work to do. I did write it while I was on the verge of sleeping, so I need to go through and edit it already. I should also write better dialogue lol
0
I'm going to break it down in chunks:
I like this. I like world building and this is a clear intro- but my one issue is that (and I was recently taught this) is that Axton needs to come up sooner- As pretty as this is, it's Axton I want. What does he see?
More world building. This is a good way to hook the reader. For some reason (and I honestly have no idea as to why), I really wanted some cinnamon flavored oatmeal after reading that. Though I would say you could have condensed it a little in terms of action while increasing the amount of description, if you made me want cinnamon flavored oatmeal, then goddamn it, you already hooked me. Nevertheless, the whole condense the action, increase the feelings/description.
I like the way you wrote this, but this feels oddly like how I would write. Of course I'm biased to myself, but I write like how I would enjoy reading. As a result, I liked this. I supremely enjoyed how you were like, "hold the fuck up guys. This shit is the present now- there be pistols here." On another side, I would like to feel more tension. Something to hook me in even more and feel what he is feeling. Why is he worried, what is he doing about it, etc...
More descriptions and you clearly painted a picture for me- though there are a few issues like "He blue eyes" or "tee-shirt," but those are more typos than errors. Microsoft Word seems to notice those little ones pretty well so I suggest you just cut and paste it.
Here's where things get a little dicey. Now I'm 100% sure he could sense the bitterness, but wouldn't it make sense if she bitterly said? In the case of a First Person POV, the whole sensing thing would make sense, but being a third-person POV, everyone can display emotions to the reader.
Unrelated- disregard: WHHHHYYY BELLA?! SCREAMS LIKE TWILIGHT! *ahem* I'm done.
On the whole, I hope you continue this as it is the beginning of a decent story... If that's the ending... then in all honesty, fuck you. You create a mysterious world with guns and centaurs and magical things- then you go, the end. Fuck. You. Continue this story and add more- you have something here.
On a second note, I'm not sure if you noticed, but you changed tenses from present to past. As a reader, I felt a little disoriented because of that.
Spoiler:
I like this. I like world building and this is a clear intro- but my one issue is that (and I was recently taught this) is that Axton needs to come up sooner- As pretty as this is, it's Axton I want. What does he see?
Spoiler:
More world building. This is a good way to hook the reader. For some reason (and I honestly have no idea as to why), I really wanted some cinnamon flavored oatmeal after reading that. Though I would say you could have condensed it a little in terms of action while increasing the amount of description, if you made me want cinnamon flavored oatmeal, then goddamn it, you already hooked me. Nevertheless, the whole condense the action, increase the feelings/description.
Spoiler:
I like the way you wrote this, but this feels oddly like how I would write. Of course I'm biased to myself, but I write like how I would enjoy reading. As a result, I liked this. I supremely enjoyed how you were like, "hold the fuck up guys. This shit is the present now- there be pistols here." On another side, I would like to feel more tension. Something to hook me in even more and feel what he is feeling. Why is he worried, what is he doing about it, etc...
Spoiler:
More descriptions and you clearly painted a picture for me- though there are a few issues like "He blue eyes" or "tee-shirt," but those are more typos than errors. Microsoft Word seems to notice those little ones pretty well so I suggest you just cut and paste it.
Spoiler:
Here's where things get a little dicey. Now I'm 100% sure he could sense the bitterness, but wouldn't it make sense if she bitterly said? In the case of a First Person POV, the whole sensing thing would make sense, but being a third-person POV, everyone can display emotions to the reader.
Spoiler:
Unrelated- disregard: WHHHHYYY BELLA?! SCREAMS LIKE TWILIGHT! *ahem* I'm done.
On the whole, I hope you continue this as it is the beginning of a decent story... If that's the ending... then in all honesty, fuck you. You create a mysterious world with guns and centaurs and magical things- then you go, the end. Fuck. You. Continue this story and add more- you have something here.
On a second note, I'm not sure if you noticed, but you changed tenses from present to past. As a reader, I felt a little disoriented because of that.
0
CoffeePrince wrote...
I'm going to break it down in chunks:Spoiler:
I like this. I like world building and this is a clear intro- but my one issue is that (and I was recently taught this) is that Axton needs to come up sooner- As pretty as this is, it's Axton I want. What does he see?
Spoiler:
More world building. This is a good way to hook the reader. For some reason (and I honestly have no idea as to why), I really wanted some cinnamon flavored oatmeal after reading that. Though I would say you could have condensed it a little in terms of action while increasing the amount of description, if you made me want cinnamon flavored oatmeal, then goddamn it, you already hooked me. Nevertheless, the whole condense the action, increase the feelings/description.
Spoiler:
I like the way you wrote this, but this feels oddly like how I would write. Of course I'm biased to myself, but I write like how I would enjoy reading. As a result, I liked this. I supremely enjoyed how you were like, "hold the fuck up guys. This shit is the present now- there be pistols here." On another side, I would like to feel more tension. Something to hook me in even more and feel what he is feeling. Why is he worried, what is he doing about it, etc...
Spoiler:
More descriptions and you clearly painted a picture for me- though there are a few issues like "He blue eyes" or "tee-shirt," but those are more typos than errors. Microsoft Word seems to notice those little ones pretty well so I suggest you just cut and paste it.
Spoiler:
Here's where things get a little dicey. Now I'm 100% sure he could sense the bitterness, but wouldn't it make sense if she bitterly said? In the case of a First Person POV, the whole sensing thing would make sense, but being a third-person POV, everyone can display emotions to the reader.
Spoiler:
Unrelated- disregard: WHHHHYYY BELLA?! SCREAMS LIKE TWILIGHT! *ahem* I'm done.
On the whole, I hope you continue this as it is the beginning of a decent story... If that's the ending... then in all honesty, fuck you. You create a mysterious world with guns and centaurs and magical things- then you go, the end. Fuck. You. Continue this story and add more- you have something here.
On a second note, I'm not sure if you noticed, but you changed tenses from present to past. As a reader, I felt a little disoriented because of that.
Sad thing is... I used Microsoft Word 2007 for this, so some mistakes went by unnoticed. I caught the past tense myself after reading this. I'm used to writing in past tense, so I tried to challenge that by writing in the present and I guess I switched back at one point. Anyways, Bella sucks as a name, but it was the first one to pop up besides Karen. I'll probably switch it to Karen though. And, I think the dialogue is horrendous. I might take out dialogue as a whole and use their body movements, actions, and thoughts to convey the story rather than actual dialogue. I just have a good sense of world-building; it's one of my strong suits. Other than that, thanks for the nice review of a half-assed, half-hour's worth of writing.
Edit: While revising story, I decided to keep dialogue; however, I changed the nature of the encounter so it was more natural than before. It's under way of being revised into a whole chapter.
0
Good work with the update, their meeting seems much more natural now that you've changed it up a bit. Plus it's good to see another Monstergirl story. Writing a Centaur was honestly next on my list if ever I finish writing Lamia, but you've beaten me to the punch!
Coffee said it best; write more. I really enjoy what you've got so far. Personally I like your descriptions. Since I'm pretty shit with naturally spelling out what I'm imagining as I write, I leave things vague enough so that the reader can form their own image of the surroundings. But here you've made it pretty clear what Axton is seeing. Love it.
Coffee said it best; write more. I really enjoy what you've got so far. Personally I like your descriptions. Since I'm pretty shit with naturally spelling out what I'm imagining as I write, I leave things vague enough so that the reader can form their own image of the surroundings. But here you've made it pretty clear what Axton is seeing. Love it.
0
oneshott wrote...
Good work with the update, their meeting seems much more natural now that you've changed it up a bit. Plus it's good to see another Monstergirl story. Writing a Centaur was honestly next on my list if ever I finish writing Lamia, but you've beaten me to the punch! Coffee said it best; write more. I really enjoy what you've got so far. Personally I like your descriptions. Since I'm pretty shit with naturally spelling out what I'm imagining as I write, I leave things vague enough so that the reader can form their own image of the surroundings. But here you've made it pretty clear what Axton is seeing. Love it.
Thanks for the high praise! The rough sketch was pretty shaky at best, so I took my time today to rewrite and expand on it. I'm proud of it, and I'll hopefully continue this story. I don't know where it'll go, but I look forward to seeing it myself. By the way, I love your stories. I'd love to see you write a centaur one, so just do it after you finish Lamia.
0
MUCH BETTER. I can't stress that enough. You listened to advice, changed it accordingly, and even brushed up your own stuff with what you saw was right. As far as I see it, what you're doing now works well. Continue writing!
0
CoffeePrince wrote...
MUCH BETTER. I can't stress that enough. You listened to advice, changed it accordingly, and even brushed up your own stuff with what you saw was right. As far as I see it, what you're doing now works well. Continue writing!Thanks. This one came out a lot better, and I just had ideas going through my head about how to continue this. I just hope I can keep up XD
0
Liked the second chapter, it was obvious who it was peeking on the MC, but you weren't trying to hide it so it came off as a good 'tension' case between them to have. "Oh shit I saw him/her naked" is a good way to build some character between the two of them.
0
Okay, I finally got around to making the next part which concludes the second chapter. I know, I'm weird. Anyways, hope y'all enjoy it so far.