[Summer Contest Entry 2012] The Capriciousness of Youth

Review #9

The Good: â—•†¿†¿â—• Descriptions. Delicious descriptions. Honestly, I thought it was going to hit like 3000 words the second I saw it. Why? Because there was a clear plot and tons of description. Managing a word limit while not sacrificing actual description/plot is a mastery in of itself. The truth is, and a lot of people can get pointers from this, is that it isn't the plot that really propels the story, it's the way it's written. If you wrote plebeian style like, "and then I hit her until she died," I would have said, "eh... decent plot." You use the senses. Goddamn it if we were given senses to live with, then I want to know what I should sense when I read a story. The key is immersion. By allowing the reader to interact with the story using his own senses, you give him a world to go into. Nice work Xenon.

Grammar: Fucking awful. (sarcastic)

The OK: The visual representation of the piece... I feel like you could have shortened/separated chunks of each paragraph. In general, if we don't see a nice divide, we begin entering mass text syndrome and fail to read everything- especially when a piece is description heavy.

The Bad: Before I continue, allow me to say, this is higher tier of work that I'm reviewing now. Because of that I'm going to judge even harsher than others: While you do use the child reference in both the beginning and end, I was curious as to why. I'm not judging you aesthetic choices, but rather the character doesn't evolve. From the beginning, I assume, he feels like a child, but at the end, he should (d)evolve. Either his eyes have opened due to murder or he becomes more childlike.

On the ending: I understood he died with her, but it doesn't explain why she's magically with him at the end. It just kind of left a confusing note to the ending.

Some of the word usage feels more like you went to a thesaurus rather than came up with it on the spot. The reason is that some of the words seem to deject from what seems to be the actual feel of the story. Some of the description seemed superfluous. As if you just wanted to fill it with description rather than wanting a scene to be surrounded by it. If anything, this has some scent of a mix of stream of thought without a proper structure or second opinion.

It's super harsh, but again, this is some real reviewing. Now just the normal stuff since your work definitely deserves it.

Great, this is the thorough criticism I am after. I appreciate the kind words of the good, but the OK and bad are much more important to me. In regards to the OK, my paragraph separations were merely changing of time, scene, and switching the speaker of a quotation. I will definitely have to keep my reader in mind when submitting in the future.

Regarding the bad: spot on. In the beginning, his dream representing perfection is that he wants to be a child because he yearns for a life of innocence, and yet ignorance to be without responsibility. The reasons for this go a bit deeper, however. The ending merely is a reinforcement that he achieved that which he sought. So, in theory, he did in fact devolve if one deems becoming more juvenile a devolution. This was the end goal for him, so his evolution.

Regarding the ending: I understand your confusion. Without revealing all my cards, I'll simply say that it would make no difference if she was actually with him or not. His perfect world was one where he could reside as a carefree child, and it also housed her because, although he did kill her out of rage, he did in fact love her, which was the cause for the sorrow after his recollection of his deed.

Regarding the word usage, good catch. I didn't use the thesaurus much for the main piece, but I did not know the word "capricious" before I came up with the title. As a fun factoid, I was going to use a word that represented the chaos of the struggle combined with the main characters desire for a juvenile existence. I had a couple title drafts, mainly involving the word "torrent" to reference the semi-theme of water and rain, but it became unsatisfactory and so I checked the thesaurus for a different word more fitting the overall theme and found "capricious." I looked it up and it seemed to match the necessary feeling that I wanted to give off, but it does sound a bit winded, doesn't it?

Thanks for the input. I went into a bit of a trance writing this and I just had to write everything I was seeing in my mind. The trouble I usually come across is I always want to fill a scene with every camera shot angle, so to speak, and it results in me surpassing the word count (in this case, by 150) and fighting to find things to cut in order to make it meet the requirement. Your review helped me analyze my own thought process through this a bit more, so I humbly appreciate it. Now, on to your's.

It's about time I return the favor of reading my piece and offer what little constructive criticism I can.

For starters, let's face it, the piece of work that you've written is extremely strong. It stands as a one-shot short story and it does it well. The writing immerses me in the story with a background and plot that seems to be well thought of in the confines of the 1500 word limit. But you're a serious writer and praise is nice, but like you said before, it's the flaws that you can improve on. That being said... (And remember to take my criticism with a grain of salt. I'm quite far from being an amazing writer.)

The staggered scenes where the man is at his car seem to be my only problem.



From the get go, I feel like when he throws up and falls out from the driver's seat that the scene is a bit strange. I'm imagining him opening the door, leaning over and then throwing up, Afterward he loses his balance and doesn't have the strength to stabilize himself. Naturally he would fall to his side or face forward, and perhaps his legs still within the car. His 'fall' is more of a him losing balance and dragging himself out of his car to lay on his back.

But I'm not just nitpicking. I can visualize the story, but that is with my filling in the dots and replacing the inconsistencies.

Some other details that bothered me a bit are like when he opens the trunk and vomits soon after, he is still holding onto the glass; I mean the guy is wheezing on the floor at one point. In his state of mind, he will very likely only be able to process one thing at a time; that's part of his insanity (or least that's what I'm imagining). If I were to put myself in his mindset, I would've thrown the bottle off the cliff in disgust of having the bottle in hand, while looking at the loved one he just killed.

Question!
"I raised the bottle, smashing the driver window on my car door open like I wanted to smash the demonic frame of my friend’s cell. The bottle crumbles in my bleeding hand."

What does 'the demonic frame of my friend's cell' refer to? And the bottle crumbles in his hand? I feel like where he is holding the bottle should be intact, but rather the shattered glass of the window that he is breaking would be what would cause him damage.

In a more broad way of looking at the details I seem to have nitpicked, I feel like there was a (SLIGHT) lack of flow during the car scene. Because you establish his insanity so well, I can fill in the blanks, but because he is insane, I expect him to be more emotional, I expect him to be increasingly degrading the more he reflects, the more he remembers. I feel like he should've leave out some screams or let out a maniacal laugh in his fit of both rage and depression.

You do, however, create his ultimately broken mind when he reverts and enters his own utopia, but I feel like through the entire scene, he is in a state of shock rather than a continuous rising level of denial/insanity until which his mind can no longer handle the situation and he breaks (such as what happened at the end). He has had plenty of time to ingest the initial shock especially with the car ride to the cliff, but he seems to be stuck in that state.

Then again, you were at the 1500 word cap, I'm not sure how much you could've done even though I feel like the story was thought out with the 1500 word limit kept in mind. Remember! Grain of salt... I don't mean to offend you or the work, but with a work of this caliber, slight flaws are the only things I can pick up as a regular reader. It was a great read.

You humble me with a review of this caliber, xnine. I just skimmed through your's and it gave me the same fluffy, albeit melancholy memories of your piece in the winter but I didn't bother to critique, so thank you for this. I appreciate every moment you took to review, even if you believe yourself not to be taken too seriously, it's very helpful.

To give some explanation, the scenes of him falling out of the car and after opening the trunk were originally longer and more descriptive, but had to be chopped to respect the limit, unfortunately. I appreciate the mention nonetheless and it speaks for your ability as an accurate critic to catch such a specific case.

In regards to the bottle, I tried my best with respect to the limit to emphasize his need for his own personal comfort, and I tried to mention this when he first grabbed it that he was hoping the bottle would provide that as a safety item. Merely, he lost his comfort in it when he fully recalled the moment that he killed his wife with it. That's when he smashed it against the window in rage, which follows his lack of control with his deeper emotions.

"The demonic frame of my friend's cell" refers to the plastic frame of his friend's cell phone and his portrayal of it as the informant of the beginning to the downfall of his seemingly calm life. I probably could have just had the word "phone" after "cell" to clarify, but I mistakingly thought it to be a given which was an error on my part. The bottle's frame was also shattered when colliding with the window, thus its decay in his hand. I didn't specify whether it was the bottle, the window, or both that caused his wound. I didn't see it as too significant to speculate on because it didn't provide progress to the themes I put priority towards.

I find your comments on the main character very interesting. I won't comment too much on that, though, because interpretations of him and his actions—I feel—should be unique to the person reading. Thank you for putting in the time to give this an honest read and commenting so genuinely.

Ahhhhhh! That make's a lot of sense now. For some odd reason, I thought that the 'cell' was a reference to the trunk of the car. As if the trunk was a prison that locked away the dead body of his wife. The word 'friend' threw my implications off though. Now I understand...

Holy crap, the descriptions... I'm in love!

I've noticed that there is no mention of Fakku in this entry. Otherwise, it made for a good read. Did I miss something?

You had to either mention fakku OR have a fakku member cameo. Look closely, and you'll see him.

Oh... Mention of a member (Jerry). I understand.

I'll be adding the thoughts that I haven't written before in here.

Review #2

Comments:

- Very descriptive, allowing the plot to be better reinforced with the events properly described.

- I didn’t see it as an NTR story, nor as cheating... but as forced. I assumed as such since she confesses that she was forced. We don’t get to read an actual confirmation of whether she really told the truth or not. The main character not trusting her isn’t a real confirmation - it was only the result of anger, we don't really know the truth.

- The display of rage, to an extent where it leads to suicide in that fashion is definitely something not known to me, making it all the more interesting to read.

- I liked how you made the story to have a dark theme and used words that had actually complimented it, giving a far better flow to the tale. It was simply awesome, leaving me with wanting to read more.

- This dark theme... I feel that it could be darker, but that would only deviate from what we, the judges wanted the participants to write for this contest even more. In terms of my feelings for this entry; it's probably one of the most mysterious entries that was posted. It leaves some questions to the readers in a good way, I believe. This unique feeling of mystery and darkness also leaves a lasting impression. That said, while I think that you want the readers to assume something and take that as an answer; I still want to know from you what whether the main character's wife was telling the truth or was a 'whore'.

- Few of the sentences were awkwardly worded. But I don't think they hurt the overall entry in a way I'd have to deduct a point. But that doesn't mean that it's not worth noting. If not for the word limit, perhaps. This resulted in those few sentences to seem compressed, caused me some confusion when I tried to visually imagine the scenes serially as the story had presented.

- Despite a few instances with the issues with wording sentences; the flow in this entry is still really smooth.

- This would definitely have been better without the word limit, because it seemed as though the word limit was holding it back from spreading it's wings. However, that's the challenge the contest has offered. To have made it this far is big enough of a feat.

- Is it just me? Or did you focus too much on everything else other than the theme(s)? Why? I believe the main reason this couldn't win the First Place is because it barely fills nails the themes. If you do wish to win next time; try to focus on the type of story we want you to write.

Thanks for all the input, Rise. I appreciate the commentary.

I will tell you one thing in regards to the "truth" about the situation, and that is that it doesn't matter if it's true or not. This story was not about his wife and it wasn't about finding the truth. It was about a man who lost his wife and took his life because he could not cope with the quaking that his life sustained. He did not kill himself out of rage, but of sorrow in losing his object of love and affection, because even though he knew she had sex with another man, whether forced or not, he still loved her. Regardless, his life was still shattered because he could not control himself in a drunken state. I wanted it to pierce the reader's soul that they hope to never experience the loss of a loved one that they care so much for.

You, and it seems Waar, were under the impression that I wrote off-theme, or that the only mention of summer was the heat. This is slightly frustrating for me because I feel like I've been misunderstood, or that I simply wasn't proficient enough to emphasize the nature of a summer setting, despite my heavy descriptive attempts in the first and last paragraph on the nature of summer, of trees and grass and spending summer evenings with them, which I took directly from my past and planted into the story.

From the contest rules themselves, you state that the themes are to be Summer, Vacation, or Romance. Although I wrote it as a broken summer romance, and quite dark, I feel irked to hear from you that I barely fill those requirements of the theme when it wouldn't be the story that it is without the angst of his love life and the comfort he found in the perfection of spending a summer evening amongst nature.

I don't intend for this to sound bitter, or that I don't appreciate your comments. Merely, the accusation that I wrote off-theme and being misunderstood hits a deep nerve in my writing past that I apparently still need to work on because it, as you said, probably cost me first.

I'm happy for the writing experience, at least, and to know I'm not too rusty. I'll be looking forward to trying again in the Winter.

Ooh, I see, well, you should leave a hint or something like that in order to satisfy the lasting curiosity. Or else it's so hard to contain the desire to read more. If you know what I mean. ;)

Uhm. You do realize that the fact that Waar and I didn't catch the broken summer romance, emphasis of summer and implementing it into the story with the descriptions, etc means that it didn't blend into the story properly, right? We felt that it just didn't. I'm sorry about that. Either it's our inability or it's a flaw on your part. I just don't feel that the themes were properly put.

Wait, trying again in Winter? I thought you'd be one of the judges in it?

If the fact that you don't have that knowledge generates the desire to read more, then my work here is done.

I'm well aware, which is why I stated it probably was my shortcomings in describing it with enough detail. I just spent a lot of hard work generating the themes into the story and it seems that hard work did not pay off enough.

Oh, Rise. It's impossible to attain FAKKU Writer as a judge. I hope to achieve that rank at some point in time. Swag and translations are fine and all, but what I really want is to write a piece that is so remarkable that the community and judges see me worthy of the title. Labels aren't everything, but creating something beautiful and receiving the recognition for one's amazing work is probably my highest hope in this forum, ever since I joined it. So, yes, I look forward to trying again in the Winter.

You so evil. I was trolled. D:

Just kidding!

Ah. I see. I'm not sure who are going to the ones hosting ut, but good luck!

Pros

The descriptions. My God, man. THE DESCRIPTIONS! I actually pictured the whole thing exactly while I was reading it, not later during my afterthought! I also felt that class that I definitely expected from the likes of you and Jerry. Grammar was top-notch, as usual, and the feelings definitely hit home. Sucks to be cheated on, let's face it. Also, it's interesting how, despite given themes like "summer" and "romance", you managed to take those two and still dish out something depressive, but powerful. Good job.

Cons

I'll be honest... I actually did a double take when I noticed the tenses. Took me a while to figure out that you were actually changing perspectives. Quite frankly, you did OK with it, but it was confusing for a moment. That's really the only con I can get out of this, though.

Final Thoughts

Seriously?! You thought my entry could have beaten THIS?! Z, you are on a class of your own with this entry. It's like... to do this justice, you'd need Morgan Freeman or Patrick Stewart to narrate it. Mine could easily be done by... well, me, I suppose, since that's the voice I was always hearing. >__>

But anyway, this was an excellent piece. Would definitely come back to it again.



Fun Facts

Due to Jerry always using that avatar, I pictured him as Joseph Gordon-Levitt in this. XD

Haha, your words are quite flattering, art. I'm glad you liked it and deem it worthy to be narrated by those two gods amongst men. Don't worry if it felt confusing, that was entirely intentional, but somewhat experimental. Honestly, I somewhat envisioned Jerry as Joseph Gordon-Levitt also when I wrote it.

Thanks for the comments, and I look forward to reading future original works of your's.