[Winter Contest Entry 2012] Mid-december spring

I’ve heard people say who we are when no one is looking reflects who we are.
But when is it really that no one sees us?
The last session for the cultural clubs ended just half an hour ago, which means I’m not going to see my friends and most of all, club prez.
The river to my left started frosting, and soon enough it would freeze over. At waters that cold…. Just why did I ever think of taking a dip? It was a typical scene you’d see from any anime, kittens… why the hell did I risk my life for kittens.
The cold embraces me warmly, like a mother would. It was cruel, yet it envelopes gently… Yup, my mind must be fuzzy because of the cold. I must be dreaming, yeah that must be it. Cuz there’s no dimension that club prez, one of the three school idols, would ever touch her lips with mine.
But there she sat, beside a small blonde girl holding the pair of kittens. She’s so much like the kittens it was funny. Her short wavy hair, the color of sunshine, was wet and clinging to her face. Her white polo was see-through as she hastily put on her black coat. A white bra, how innocent, it almost doesn’t match the mature aura around her, but at the same time it was cute.
I got home late, but there’s no one to get mad at me. Dad’s abroad working, and mom wouldn’t be home till late at night, probly drunk again.
“I’m home” I said to the house that wouldn’t respond. It was always winter in this household. I make my meal silently and pray to show gratefulness to God.
Even as a Christian, I still have my vices. I boot up my laptop, plugged in my headphones and headed to Fakku.
The next day I received a message from an unknown number, it was the club prez, she wanted to thank me for saving her younger sister’s pets. She also wanted to apologize after leaving wordlessly as soon as I woke up.
“Naoto-kun, would you do me a favor?” Was the first thing she said as I entered the room. Is asking a favor really a way of thanking some one?
I almost screamed in protest, which was very unlike me. I’m normally quiet, almost invisible; the cold must really have got to me. Almost, but I couldn’t as she leaned over me seductively. She was wearing her school uniform as usual, except that it was only the inside polo she was wearing.
We sorted out papers and finished club reports by noon, but for some reason, we continued meeting every day for the rest of Christmas.
Sempai ( club prez) was going out with her family on the 26th onwards, so tomorrow’s the last day we’d spend together. Neither of us questioned why we spent the time together anyway, so I wouldn’t question why we wouldn’t.
Sempai wanted to spend the day outside for once, so we ended up going out on a date. We spent hours in the amusement park, there I saw different sides of her.
She was playful and loved freight rides (which on the other hand, I’m dead afraid of, but for her I rode about 6 of them) She has a cute fear of ghosts, which I realized as she held my sleeve end ended up embracing me in the horror house.
We spent till evening in the shopping district in the shopping district.
I found out sempai was leaving… she dropping out due to sickness… She had to go abroad for treatment, not that Japan didn’t have the facilities but that there was a good friend of her father abroad.
She embraced me as she cried in the town circle, other people never noticed, as the place was filled with couples, that she was crying.
We spent Christmas in my home, I introduced her to mom and dad as she held my hand tightly the whole time.
“She’s not pregnant is she?” My dad didn’t sound serious, but he didn’t disapprove.
All that’s left was to meet her father.
______________________
I look up, it’s been two years, I graduated high school and I’m in university now. So many things happened. But even if I never saw it for two years, I knew from the bottom of my heart, one thing never changed.
It was the smile of a girl framed with curly hair, the shade of bright sunlight.
“I’m home” I say as I enter my house, as usual it was empty. But as I entered the home holding her hand, it feels like the snow just melted away for the sunlight of spring.

I love reading stories which are short and to the point. I think this entry achieved that. Others may want character development and a more fleshed out scenario but with 2000 words that can't be achieved easily.

That said, have you read mine by any chance?
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=97777

I didn't want to dilly dally but I wanted to elaborate the feeling of solitude in his home, then I realized it was 5am in my time zone and my mom was terribly cranky, further more I'd have no time when i wake up

And I have to say it produced something that I really like. At times, I have to plough through words trying to figure out what is the author trying to get at. (I am quite sure that you will have the same experience reading my monologues) However, I encountered no difficulty reading yours.

I am currently deciphering yours, and by that I mean I saved and downloaded it cuz I gave up after 2 paragraphs. I'm gonna read it later, the new mangas are far too tempting, sorry.

I still have to learn how to write properly, thank you for the feedback.

It's just that different things floats people's boats. There's always an audience that each work would appeal to and not to some, the only reason a work is called good is because it happened to appeal to more people, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily better.

Well I am not used to reading stories like this so not sure if my feedback is useful here.

It just doesn't seem like a normal story to me that I am used to reading, but perhaps this is just a flaw in my narrowness on what I read.

What I can say though is I enjoyed the emotion I felt from reading this piece and that indeed you got to the point and kept me engaged in this area.

A good story! It's quite a standard set up (which is not a bad thing), but a nice development I think. I like the ending as well and your general style of writing which is not too flowery but still uses some imagery effectively.

The only negative thing for me really is the formatting (no empty lines between paragraphs makes it harder to read), some grammatical issues (I don't want to make a big thing out of this, but since I tripped over a few things I wanted to mention it; don't take it the wrong way, I e.g. am not a native English speaker so), and the way you separated the ending. For a while I didn't even see it and thought the ending was weird, thinking that line was your signature. It confused me a bit but eventually I got it.

All in all a good job.

Haha, I put a comment when I posted it (in the forums) that since I copied and pasted that from microsoft word it screwed up the format.

Good one, I fairly enjoyed it.

Not a very special setup of any kind, but it has its own perks. The choice of the character depiction is quite classic, too. But when you said "Prez" of some sort, any sort really, you would automatically and immediately think of tsundere, which I can see you like them (from your signature), and I guess it really is the case when you show us all sides of her, except for the thing that she lean on him "seductively", tsundere would be more like "she scares my ass off!" kinda way, so you might want to think about it. You know how tsundere are like.

You want to get to the point quickly, and I guess it worked out just fine for me, but I also think more development would make story more complete, as it still feel kinda rush to me.

And you might want to work on your English, too. I can see you got some part wrong. And sorry but I still don't get the opening of the story, what's all that supposed to mean?

Well, that's my thought anyway. And you have my well-wish for the contest.

It's an opening that would magnify the feeling of his solitude, I cut out a lot of parts from the written draft I wrote honestly. I would've have portrayed how he feels lonely for the lack of communication with his mother, in term giving him a tendency to like elder women, thus sempai. And th reasons he go to fakku would be the complete opposite of who he is. He seems to be kind but shy in the public but he's a bit of a pessimist and masochist when alone.