[Winter Contest Entry 2015] I’ll Never Give Up

A comfortable, ambient air filled the small apartment room. Only the squeak of a chair, the light tapping of a keyboard and hum of a laptop could be heard.

“Ahhh, I’m bored! Did you find anything interesting?” Vy tossed her phone on the table and plopped herself on the bed next to Peter who was lying down with a laptop open.

She looked over his shoulder, “That’s rare for you. What are you doing on there?”

Peter could feel a tinge of a terrifying aura emanating from behind him. Vy sounded casual, but there was a little tick on her last word that made him want to clear his throat.

“Wait- Wait Vy. There’s a good reason for this. Calm down.”

“I am calm.”

Now Peter knew she definitely wasn’t calm. “I was just checking something! You just happened to look when I was on the front page.”

“You’re like a full page down!”

Peter paused and thought to himself. Shit.

“What is this?!” She climbed out from the bed and stood up looking down at Peter. “I’m not enough for you? I’m not good enough?!”

“Wait Vy, let me-“

“I see you some nights, sneaking away to the living room. I peek out and I see you on this site all the time. Are these girls better than me? Do you need porn more than you need me?!”

Vy was in a fit of rage. Her eyes were welling, her arms were flailing as she lashed out at Peter who was frantically trying to interrupt and calm her down.

“What do you want more? Do you want a wife, or do you want a waifu?!”

Peter sat on the bed resigned and silent, looking up at Vy who loomed over him menacingly. He felt like he wouldn’t be winning this argument.

The air was filled with a chill now. The room was silent save for the hum of the laptop and Vy’s sobs.

“I know what you’re into. You’re into that kind of stuff huh? You’re saying you can only live your dreams in the 2D world huh?!”

“Uh, well…”

“I thought you said you would never let me down! I was fine when you were browsing some of the more i-interesting tags,” She stuttered as her eyes narrowed and she seemed to recall something she didn’t want to. I was fine when you were ogling that NaPaTa Pandemonium announcement post.”

“But last night, I saw you open the laptop and,” She paused for a moment and the tension was palpable. “I saw you reading… Free.”

Peter immediately gagged and coughed, “Wait, what the hell?!”

She glared at Peter before abruptly remarking, “Wait a minute.” Vy tilted her head slightly, and suddenly wore a look of both confusion and curiosity. She looked into the distance searching for something in her memories.

“Uh, that was me wasn’t it?” She awkwardly rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed and blushing. “H-hehe.”

“Don’t give me that!” Peter comically fell backwards on the bed, lightly rubbing his temples.

“Sorry sorry, I’ll make it up to you later babe,” She said as she sat down next to him, and picked up the laptop.

“I saw you almost laughing when you said †˜waifu’!” The two of them lightly laughed in unison.

“Anyways, what were you doing here anyways? Find something nice?” She said nonchalantly while browsing the frontpage.

“Pandemonium I guess.”

“Well, other than that.”

“I really was just passing by. I was going to check the Writing and Fanfiction forum.” Peter nudged Vy over who looked curiously at the screen.

“For what?”

“Remember, they have that annual writing contest or whatever. There’s that guy that writes about us.”

“Oh, ooooh yeah! That uh, Nine guy. What was his name? Nine-eight or break or something?”

Peter laughed, “I’m pretty sure his name is xninebreaker. Look right here, he posted on the thread.”

“You know Peter, I’m pretty sure he isn’t writing about us.”

“Well maybe not, but isn’t that a crazy coincidence that he uses the name Peter and Vy? And he always uses them as a couple.”

“That could be anyone! Do you know how common our names are?”

Peter pondered, he wasn’t really convinced, but it’s not like he had any proof otherwise. “I suppose so. But, just what if someone was writing about us? Like you know, uh-”

“Like Tuan?”

“Oh yeah! Like Tuan! He writes stories right?”

“You’re crazy babe,” Vy took back the laptop and began reading the contest thread as Peter was furiously typing on his phone. Just a moment later, his phone beeped. Vy looked up at Peter, “Tuan is so quick sometimes. What’d he say?”

“He says †˜no’.”

“You see! Why would anyone be writing about us? Besides, do you see this guy’s stories? He’s always trying to kill us.”

Peter looked over Vy’s shoulder who was now looking at xninebreaker’s post history. “Oh I remember his first one! That’s when I died huh? Ah, that was so sad! I left a note and stuff.”

“His one in 2012 was about you being all scrawny,” Vy laughed as she poked at Peter’s chest.

Peter poked her back and then the two of them entered a furious brawl of pokes and tickles.

After a few minutes, Vy was left clutching her sides, hardly able to contain her laughter. “Okay, okay okay, I lose.”

After a moment’s rest they turned back to the laptop and Vy commented, “That one was sad too though wasn’t it? We had terminal illnesses.”

“Yeah. He doesn’t really end it, but I mean, the outcome can’t be good. The one after that is rough too. It’s kind of long though,” Peter said.

“I don’t remember; let’s see, click it. The 2013 one.” Peter clicked it and let Vy read it. “Oh this one! It’s sort of like an abandoned city or something.”

“Well I think it’s more like the place is beaten up from war. I just think it’s just sad because I die in the end looking for your grave.”

“Like it’s implied that Peter and Vy made a promise to be together? Well that’s kind of sad.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty sad,” Peter responded in agreement, reading bits of the story before making his way back to the 2015 Winter Contest thread. “Anyways, he didn’t write anything last year since he was judging. But, look, he’s entering this year!”

“Oh, you’re right. He says †˜he’s game’, but isn’t there only like 6 hours left? And look at the themes, comedy and elderly. I guess he could do elderly, but trying to imagine him doing a comedy for us after all these years is kind of hard.”

“I thought you said he wasn’t writing about us.”

“Whatever! It’s just fun to think he is okay?”

Peter laughed at the pouting Vy, “Well, anyways, he’s been commenting on the thread, so I guess he’s just stuck on the theme. I like his stories, I hope he enters.”

“Why don’t we ask him?”

“What? How?”

“Message him babe. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

Peter mulled over the thought. Peter felt there was nothing was really wrong with that, but the idea was weird to him. The contest was almost over anyways.

“I’ll start then,” Vy took the laptop and began composing a message.

[Hello xninebreaker. I’m your biggest fan ever <3. I wanted to know if you are entering the writing contest this year.]

“Wait!” Peter shouted upon noticing what she was writing. “You’re on my account. That’s embarrassing!”

“It’s not like you post on the forums. It’s okay! I bet he’ll be happy!” Vy struggled for control while mischievously laughing, but eventually folded and gave the laptop back.

“Okay let me do this,” Peter said, rewriting the message.

[Hello xninebreaker, I read the Writing and Fanfiction forum sometimes and noticed you haven’t posted something this year. Are you entering?]

Peter sent the message after which Vy chimed in with a groan, “You’re so boring! What if he ignores you now? Really though, I guess if he’s working on it, he probably doesn’t have time to answer.”

Peter shrugged and clicked on the site’s logo to return to the frontpage. Much to his surprise something was different. There was a notification for him.

Vy and Peter looked quizzically at one another. “New upload?” Vy asked. “Go check, maybe it’s Free.”

“Wrong account.”

“Well actually, yesterday…”

“Oh god.” Peter’s face slightly contorted. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Vy, who was wearing an innocent face, said, “You can enjoy it with me you know…”

“Dear lord, you were just yelling at me!”

“I was just kidding! You know I’ve always wanted you to read some.”

“No.”

Peter clicked his notifications while Vy was chuckling to herself. It was a message from xninebreaker. “Well, that was fast,” he remarked.

[Yes. And nice to meet you. Are you entering as well?]

Vy looked over, surprised. “Oh, he’s just like Tuan. So fast.”

The two of them looked at each other again. “You think it might be him?” Peter asked.

“Uh, probably not?” She said questionably, not entirely sure herself. “Anyways, you should reply.”

“Yeah, it’s probably not him. And yeah, give me a second.”

[Glad to hear it! I’m not entering, I just like to read the stuff here sometimes. Do you think you’ll win?]

The two of them waited a minute, before refreshing and lo and behold, they got another message.

[Aw that’s too bad, we could always use more entries! If you want, feel free to stop by the Writer’s Lounge and chat. Anyways, to answer your question, I think I’ve got a great chance at winning. As you might know I write about two recurring characters, and this time the themes comedy/elderly were tough, but I seriously have something great. I just need to edit it right now. Look forward to it, it’s one of the greatest endings I’ve thought up. I’ll have it up an about an hour.]

“Geez, the guy types a damn essay,” Peter said.

“He’s pretty nice though. I think I saw him telling some other people to stop by the Writer’s Lounge in his other posts too.”

“Well, it looks we don’t have to worry. Let’s check back later.”

The two of them decided to cook something, and leisurely ate while discussing what xninebreaker could write.

A little over an hour passed and the two of them laid back on the bed and refreshed the page. xninebreaker’s post was up.

“Look babe! Go look,” Vy said excitedly. Peter was eager too so he didn’t hesitate.




Part 1


Part2 (Please read part 1 first)

You might find yourself writing a sequel to that story. I have read your entry. Will go into more detail about what I thought after the contest is over.

Now this is my type of comedy! A touching tale of a man who couldn't give up his woman no matter what. Well played.

It's definitely possible.



Glad you enjoyed it. Honestly, coming up with the powerful, touching ending took me at least a week alone. Hopefully others will appreciate it just as much.

There's a video for a certain song that the title of this made me think of. A part of me was hoping for a reference to that in this story, but I wasn't really expecting one. I thought to myself, "Could he really? Nah, he ain't gonna do it."

Anyway, not too sure how I feel about this. It's amusing, but given how much of it is devoted to talking about whether or not you're going to enter the contest, I kinda get the feeling you didn't put too much effort into this. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

Well I certainly get where you are coming from. It wasn't really 'low effort', it took some drafts and 1-2 weeks of trying to get it how I wanted it. However, what you should know is that I definitely didn't write how I normally would. It was very free-form and most of it is just a kind of meta commentary as I do a 180 on my normal style and take jabs at my usual writing. The longer you've been with me and my Peter/Vy pair, the funnier the story I think. It's kind of endearing.

I don't expect my entry to go very far, but if I made some people laugh, then that's enough for me. The theme wasn't my forte, so I took the chance to have some fun. In a way, I guess that's low effort huh? Either way, I'm glad you enjoyed it d!

The forth wall stuff just seems like a last resort kind of thing, I guess is what I was trying to say in my last post.

I actually feel like the comedy/elderly theme forced many people to write outside their comfort zone, so you're not alone in that OP.

With references to me and what I scrawl on this forum preferably.

Wow, for once they live. What the heck hit your head this past year, bruh?

How should I say it... I expected them, but didn't expected them to live through the ending.

That said, I was laughing pretty hard knowing most of these references, except maybe one story about the grave (guess I got spoiled), and damn you even used your own name. It's nice to see something that's genuinely sweet and softcore out of you where it's not tinted to the grim with something tragic--even if that's more of my thing.

It sucks that I was almost expecting them to say something about the actual entry and go like "what the hell?!" but I suppose that wasn't meant to be.

Needless to say, I don't agree with Peter; I think you take a while to respond to messages, especially when writing an essay. Hehe. But I guess if it's in your head then it travels fast, eh?

All of that aside, I feel like the comedic effect may get halved for other readers if they haven't read your previous entries. I think you went for it knowing that anyway.

Good job regardless, Xnine. You didn't seem confident but you did managed to make me laugh. I wish you luck for both this contest and the educational hurdles that we'll both be facing this year.

Cheers!

I read it again, so here's some stuff that's a little more in-depth than before.

Some lines of dialogue that I think need work:

The repetition of "do you want".

This one just reads awkward to me.

This line doesn't make sense compared to what comes before it when Vy is angry at him for looking at porn in general. I know this turns out to be a joke, but this confused me the first time I read through this. Even now, I don't know why Peter doesn't call her out on it.



It's not really funny when you tell me something has happened funnily.



Similar to the first line I mentioned, there's some repetition here, and it doesn't work for me.



You mention visiting the writing section for the contest, but you never actually mention the contest thread itself until now. I was able to put two and two together, as I'm sure everyone else was, but this still created a moment where I had to stop and think.



This is the part right here that made me think this is a rush job on your part. Just pointing that out.



You could have just had Vy ask Peter to message that writer guy Xeightbreaker to begin with.



I get what you mean, but this line's kinda stupid when you think about it. He did just choose to go to a different page.



lol



I don't wanna be the guy who thinks too hard about something that wasn't meant to be that serious, but if Vy tried to get Peter to read porn in the past, why did he even remotely believe she was angry at him earlier?



Kind of. Not really.

I would have liked to see some more of what the characters are thinking. There's a lot of dialogue in this and for the most part, it sounds realistic and moves smoothly, but I think breaking it up a little more at a couple of points could help the flow of the story.

Also, I'm disappointed we don't get any details on the story Xeightbreaker was working on. It feels like the story is building up to a reveal. And instead we get rick rolled.

By the way, who's Tuan?

Seems like this year's theme made people think that the entries are not to be taken seriously. I mean, comedy is a literature genre and can be as well-regarded as any other form of writings. I can see the effort (or my own imagination of effort) behind leonard's stuffs, even though he usually denies them.

And I'm glad I can see X-7's effort being put into this as well.

This entry was in the higher spectrum of the scale in my opinion. Besides some grammar errors, it was good it a lot of ways.

The characters are well-established. Though X-7 used the same name every year for his pair of main characters, they are all different people, so every characters bring out something fresh every time. I can see they are relatable and believable. What's so hard to believe about a couple on a night of Netflix and chill, right? It can be argued that the characters are so simple that X-7 didn't have much to write about anyway, but I would say that the characters are only as simple as the writers make them to be. That is to say, a pair of well-written-out simple characters can be way more immersive than a pair of poorly-planned complex characters. While X-7 have his way around more complex characters, as shown in the previous contests, this pair served just what purpose that they were supposed to, and I'm glad that they served it well.

About the story, it is also a simple story about an everyday situation. Even though I won't dare to browse a hentai site in front of a girl, Peter can, and it adds to both of the character's personalities and their relationship. She's obviously interested in the same kind of stuffs like her boyfriend, but even then they would fight over small things like that. Then they made up again, that kind of stuffs just happens irl. It adds up to make a light-hearted story and I just buy that kind of stuffs.

And given that I started to participate in the same year that you did, your story was a delight to read for me this year! I can remember those things you wrote. Also because not at least one of them have to die this year, I can't imagine you doing some kind of twisted ending with the theme and your usual style of writing.

I had to scurry back to look over some of your old works and then read this again, it was even more enjoyable. It brings back some good old memories too. I miss the time when we had more people participating and discussing stuffs just a few years ago. I even made you cried.. Nice stuff.

And the ending was superb.

Overall, I like this entry. It just works for me.

I also found it strangely funny when it's the Dec 31st, with two people alone inside a bedroom and they aren't 'having fun', if you know what I mean.



I thought it was the usual name of a third person of X-7's stories whenever Peter talks about college or something, but when I looked it up, I couldn't find it.

The real name iirc, or maybe just a name he likes. =P

Ahhhhh! This is the worst. I hate that I didn't pick this up. Thanks for pointing it out d. I should make it a New Year's resolution to avoid these kinds of mistakes.



I agree. The repetition here is in especially poor taste.



Oh I see. You aren't entirely wrong. I changed the time to match up with when I turned it in. Intended effect? I'm not sure myself. I just thought it would be interesting at the time.



I imagined it as a recurring topic. He's always gotta be a little cautious eh? Part taking her seriously, part playing along.



Point taken. Most of your other points I understand and appreciate, but I'm more neutral on them. I actually learned a lot from writing this and some of the criticism being put out. Unexpectedly pleasant feedback for future writing. Thanks!



Heh, sorry to disappoint. Stick around and maybe I can get your approval next time!





Tuan is a recurring character in some of my works. For instance, he delivers Peter's letter to Vy in my very first winter contest entry. The name rooted in reality.

---

I considered ending it like this for a while, but it created an odd gap in the ending presentation. I still don't know how I feel about it. And, I gotta say, writing this style isn't too bad. Pretty refreshing actually.



Exactly what I was hoping for. I went in knowing the intended effects, but I'm glad that people are enjoying it so that is enough for me. Got you to laugh, not too shabby eh.

---

Ooo, thanks dawn!



I'm glad you see it this way, because that's what I was going for. It's not a one-dimensional love relationship. They have their fights, but they are comfortable around each other. I think that's important.



Glad you enjoyed it dawn! Really, this is my small gift to anyone who has decided to stick around for all of Peter and Vy's adventures. It's nice to see them getting some time to play around, even as the author.





Edit: I should stop mass replying and reply as they come huh.

the meta sense of comedy felt rather fresh. i do like it in terms of humor. but for the story-wise though, i don't feel like there's much to it. i was thinking that the elderly theme in which i want to analyze wasn't present in here at all (besides the actual mention about it being the contest theme).

it's still well written but i think you can write something with more content. though yeah, good work on this. i do enjoy it.

An amusing read, considering I have been following the story of this pair and your obsession with tragedy involving them. Happy to see they didn’t die, but only because it’s supposed to exist within a universe addressing the fourth wall. It makes me wonder about who these people are in real life, if they even exist at all, because let’s be honest, you invent such drastic properties to their story, they probably have different names or something like that.

Anyway, although it may be a bit basic to write a contest entry about writing about a contest entry, I did find the atmosphere in this entry to be quite endearing.

Critically, however, you have comma problems, and problems involving both repetition and punctuation when it comes to ending quotation. You also need to improve your ability to be consistent. You can’t see on my copy because I just copied the font, but on the forum, you italicized Free! the first time, but not the second. Try to remain consistent.

Other than that, I’m glad you entered this year, and more importantly glad that you didn’t kill off this cute couple.

In before “they died anyway seventy years later from old age!”

Below are the major things I found issues with, but I have more on my .docx file. If you would like it, feel free to PM me and I'll email it to you.



This paragraph has little reason to be separate from the previous one. She’s even still the one talking.



You already said “anyways” at the beginning of the sentence. Only use one to decrease repetition.



He just said “just.” Again, best to avoid repetition.



Repeated “was” after "nothing."



The series name should be italicized like you did previously. (Unless you meant maybe it's free, which I feel like a lot of people were doing on Fakku earlier.)



"well, it looks like we don't have to worry.

All points noted and taken. Some of those I should've caught, especially the repetition errors. I'll work on it.



The first time "Free" is italicized is to indicate emphasis. In this instance, Vy is saying "Free" in a casual manner. Or at least that was my intention.

Also, if you could PM me your full edited draft that would be great. Always good to learn from mistakes.

I understood and generally enjoyed this entry, though not as much as the some of the other entries. Let me briefly give you my impressions of your entry using the same 3 criteria:

1. Must be readable:

I have read a bit of your work and so I understand who Vy and Peter are, I understand that you are making references to a commercial site dealing with drawn smut and I understand the references to real life events that concern you and them, mainly the protagonist (i.e. you) including Peter and Vy in your stories. That is what made it enjoyable for me. However, I were to put myself into the shoes of someone who is not aware of this, I am quite sure these references won't be picked up that easily.

So this is really the main reason why I did not select your entry to be the top three or even give you an honourable mention. These problems might be resolved though if you devoted one or two sentences explaining what the website is about or even summaries of stories that involve Peter and Vy or even a link to those stories!

I have to give you credit though. While I dislike to and fro dialogue in my reading material, I felt that the dialogue in your entry is quite like Sound of Destiny's entry. Thank goodness for the breaks in dialogue that explained what is going on.

2. Must be funny:

Alas, it is too sweet and saccharine for my tastes to be funny! Where is the anger, shock, horror and bloodlust that I expect once I read that a certain user in a commercial pornographic website write stories about them dying! Where are threats of lawsuits and attempts at murder? Where is the bloody leonard267 reference?

3. Must be written in leonard267's style:

See Number 2. I might consider placing your entry among what I deem to be the better ones if it took a laughably nasty turn!


That aside, having thrashed your entry, care to thrash mine?

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-non-entry-2015-an-attempt-at-comedy-about-an-old-man