Cinia Pacifica Posts
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Sounds legendary.SAO would turn to Water World online, only the water is my semen.
I'm sure you spelled Sperm World Online wrong, dear sir.
Preddy much
So basically everyone would be wielding your sperm as weapon in said world.
They would all be dependent on my children, ye.
So it's like everyone will fight with pet.
Maybe Pokemons.
Maybe Shikimons.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
winter55 wrote...
Nana a shitA SHIT
Shhhh.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Masayoshi wrote...
I could just be because there were a lot more questions than answers, but I couldn't seem to get emotionally invested in either of the characters. It could just be that I'm used to more gradual character development, because though I didn't understand much at first, most of my questions were answered later on.I can relate to what you're saying. It's very hard to get emotionally invested in some characters appearing in a short story. Development is a very long process and it's borderline impossible to outline all of it without actually detailing them in a long scene. Suffice it to say, given the word limitations of this contest I couldn't take a broader approach with my tale. Incidentally, my piece is about 2000 words including title itself.
I had a prior objective of ending around 1500 words. You can imagine how hard the failure at my succinct attempt was.
Masayoshi wrote...
I myself am biased toward longer works, so pay my opinions on that matter little heed.I wouldn't be a writer if I didn't listen to the opinions of my readers.
Masayoshi wrote...
I think my only other problems with this is that the setting was unclear the entire time. Even as the personality and history of the character known as Mrs. Hailey became more detailed, the setting did not. For all I knew, this was a bedroom in someone's home. It was only at the very end, where there was a line saying 'Giving the device beside her bed a glance, I wondered how she could bare to live in this noisy room. I suppose sleep was indeed a luxury.' that I realized this was probably not taking place in a bedroom. At least, not a normal one. The line 'The beeping noise from the device became continuous.' clued in that this was a hospital room, but there are some problems with that line itself, mostly because the beeping was not mentioned even once prior, and so this vague description of a mysterious device was a huge surprise to me.
Granted, take all of that with a grain of salt, as I realize that leaving the setting a mystery as well could be an intentional part of this work, in order to deepen the intrigue of the readers, and I'm probably just spoiled, since most of the descriptions in stories I normally read are incredibly clear-cut. Sometimes, they're even absurdly descriptive, to the point of being annoying.
Yeah, the way I kept the setting unclear in the beginning was my very intention as you have guessed. I like to think people finding their answers is a virtue of a kind. I know there are writers out there who loves to provide you open details about their world. I have done so before too, but for pieces like these I want the readers to use their brains for once.
Evidently, your thought process progressed exactly as I thought an average reader's would.
Thus there was no mention of any devices or noises. After you see the mention of the device, you'd realize that Lucy was internally laughing at Mrs. Hailey in the beginning because she was hospitalized due to straining her body far too much. This was just her being salty, of course. As one would guess, she didn't assume her condition was in any way serious, because how could someone so awesome die so soon?
The last one was a hint I didn't expect many to figure. The reason why Lucy didn't even doubt her mother's possibility of death was because Mrs. Hailey was around the 30s. Meanwhile, her mother probably knew about her body more than anyone else.
Masayoshi wrote...
I don't want to rate anything with numbers, since each person's experience reading this will be different based on their own experiences/emotions/etc., so I'll give it a more 'enigmatic' rating: Obscuring yet enlightening.What I want you to take away from this, however, is that I enjoyed your work immensely. Enough so to write this ludicrously long review, considering the length of this story.
I'll leave you a joke telling you how 'brief' my review is, in response to your reply in my thread in IB.
Thanks! I didn't expect asking would actually get you to read considering how busy you appear to be.
If you like long stories with descriptions and one where character development is a thing, try out my RP. As you'd realize while reading how long it is, we've had more than enough time to work with developments in many ways. Albeit, first few pages are littered with old codings and there may have been some typos. I can't even edit old posts so it can't be helped... but if you do find the courage to try reading that I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I do like long review posts though so I really appreciate it. Thank you once again.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
While it was an amusing read, I have to say that some of the developments happened as expected, so I wasn't surprised. Not that it's a bad thing.
If I found anything funny, it'd be the part where the protagonist's parents were busy fucking each other while their son was in danger of peril. That said, though, this was a total cowboy duel face-off Christmas edition and that's probably what I really found distinctive in this piece, even if it was a bit gay.
Good for him that he would be fucked every Christmas for being a naughty grandma's-panty-sniffing bastard, and good job to you for writing this piece. I don't think it was a bad attempt at comedy.
If I found anything funny, it'd be the part where the protagonist's parents were busy fucking each other while their son was in danger of peril. That said, though, this was a total cowboy duel face-off Christmas edition and that's probably what I really found distinctive in this piece, even if it was a bit gay.
Good for him that he would be fucked every Christmas for being a naughty grandma's-panty-sniffing bastard, and good job to you for writing this piece. I don't think it was a bad attempt at comedy.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Masayoshi wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Cat-ness wrote...
OP to bad your writing project didn't work out.I honestly thought he could continue managing it. I mean, he has to post chill and post around IB.
It was mostly because, at the time, I was at a critical juncture in college, which made me unable to put as much time as I'd like into it.
I want to do something similar in the future, but, that will probably have to be a summer project only, since juggling that alongside working full time and taking college classes at 14-16 credits per term is too much for me.
As for posting in IB - that's stress relief. Mostly me venting about inane shit or talking about stupid shit, it helps me keep my head.
I'm not saying you have to give out time in a critical time of life, but your project could've just continued in winter instead of being completely terminated, you know?
Also... gib my latest writing a read. o 3o
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Cat-ness wrote...
OP to bad your writing project didn't work out.I honestly thought he could continue managing it. I mean, he has to post chill and post around IB.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Sounds legendary.SAO would turn to Water World online, only the water is my semen.
I'm sure you spelled Sperm World Online wrong, dear sir.
Preddy much
So basically everyone would be wielding your sperm as weapon in said world.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Sounds legendary.SAO would turn to Water World online, only the water is my semen.
I'm sure you spelled Sperm World Online wrong, dear sir.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
( †¢—†¢) One cup of rice pls.Sure, just scoop one out from me.
*glop glop glop*
Is that 2 years worth?
2 years worth would look like a teaspoon compared to this glop.
So what, 200 years?
This glop will end a drought.
Sounds legendary.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
( †¢—†¢) One cup of rice pls.Sure, just scoop one out from me.
*glop glop glop*
Is that 2 years worth?
2 years worth would look like a teaspoon compared to this glop.
So what, 200 years?
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Ezlare wrote...
Not that I would find any notable errors anyway, I actually enjoyed reading this. Giving you the deluxe abridged version from my reaction in Skype, I'll say, holy fuck that ending. I'd think I was so starstruck from it because I probably didn't note the hospital scene, or any of your many hints. Bah, maybe that's just me or my neglect of wearing me glasses.Characters were cool. Can't say that I was turned off by their conversation, but it does seem a little long.
I suck ass at giving feedback. Sometimes I feel like it's not my place to do it.
But yeah. Good read, yo.
Hi, thanks for the more elaborated version of your comment. I really appreciate it.
I actually wrote the ending with such an intention, and am glad the hints weren't easily caught out. I happen to like making some kind of a surprise factor in my works as you may have noticed in my RP. I did not make the hospital room very apparent until the device was mentioned, so don't fret!
Thanks for reading, even if you did without glasses.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
( †¢—†¢) One cup of rice pls.Sure, just scoop one out from me.
*glop glop glop*
Is that 2 years worth?
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
I don't remember my old score for this.
6/10
6/10
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
( †¢—†¢) One cup of rice pls.Sure, just scoop one out from me.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
I guess it's no surprise that the edgelord would toss out profane words like it's absolutely normal regardless of the situation, but I liked how it helped portray the character.
I found some words repetitive, so maybe it's not a good idea to always rely on profanity. Since it was based on a real life story, however, preserving the originality of the event instead of making changes is usually preferred by writers. I would say that writing a real life story is simply not the best method, but if you just felt like writing about it, then that's fine.
For winning, I'd recommend trying to appeal with creativity instead. Keep punctuation, and your tenses in mind, always.
Good job participating, though. I really wasn't expecting you to turn up. Let's hope you enter the next one too and perhaps show us more growth.
I found some words repetitive, so maybe it's not a good idea to always rely on profanity. Since it was based on a real life story, however, preserving the originality of the event instead of making changes is usually preferred by writers. I would say that writing a real life story is simply not the best method, but if you just felt like writing about it, then that's fine.
For winning, I'd recommend trying to appeal with creativity instead. Keep punctuation, and your tenses in mind, always.
Good job participating, though. I really wasn't expecting you to turn up. Let's hope you enter the next one too and perhaps show us more growth.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Fallan wrote...
While the story isn't badly written in any way, there's something that makes it hard for me to be caught up in the conversation between the two. It feels like I am that guy who's listening to two people talk in a subway.Anyway, 77 Doritos/1 mountain dew.
Well, I did wanted people to figure things out as they read. Instead of being completely contextually informed way ahead of time.
Would 77 grains of rice do?
I only accept Cool Ranch Doritos, the perfect gamer fuel for today's gamers.
Spoiler:
But rice is what keeps you alive and happy and shit.
Okay, that is actually a notable point. I will admit that my opening line wasn't the best, but hey maybe the line just above the real story was more chuuni!
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Fallan wrote...
While the story isn't badly written in any way, there's something that makes it hard for me to be caught up in the conversation between the two. It feels like I am that guy who's listening to two people talk in a subway.Anyway, 77 Doritos/1 mountain dew.
Well, I did wanted people to figure things out as they would read. Instead of being completely contextually informed way ahead of time.
Would 77 grains of rice do?
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I think you did a great job with the characters in this. I get the feeling that Hailey is someone who's done a lot in life (not all of which she's proud of) but despite her experience, she isn't all that comfortable dealing with Lucy. Lucy starts off the story also not too sure how to deal with Hailey, but she has a strong idea of what she wants to do for with her life, and as her conversation with Haily stretches on, suddenly she's not so sure of herself. It's nice to see Lucy's interaction with her mother affect her in this way.However, while I enjoyed the characters and the conflict between them, there's something about the story that made it difficult for me to get through, and I don't know what that is. It could be there's nothing wrong at all and it's just me. I really have no idea as of this point. I'll have to read through it again.
Thanks for the feedback. I did dropped hints or implications about pretty much everything I could think of regarding whatever takes place... for instance, how the room was plain and in reality she was pitying her for being hospitalized. I don't know what was difficult to get through but if you do realize, I'd love to know.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Good day to you all.
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
5/10