Ecchiviathan Posts
So...not to bug anyone, but can anyone bother reviewing my work? As I've said before, it got reviews, but they were from before I made the final edit. I'm asking pretty much anyone, though obviously I would like to know what the judges thought, since it made it to Honorable Mention. The link to my story is in the Honorable Mention section.
I'll be honest. Even though there are a ton of things I can point out wrong, I know that it's a lot better than my first fanfiction that I wrote at that age. For my own sanity, it is no longer posted on the internet, but dear God was my first fic bad. I decided to do a crossover story that crossed over Gundam, Final Fantasy, Legend of Dragoon, and even Parasite Eve. Yes, you read that right. I basically took all the RPGs I played at the time, then crossed them over with Gundam Wing and you can guess the result. My subsequent fics didn't get any better, if only because I was going through that Gary Stu phase where I essentially inserted myself into [insert fictional work] and own everything just because I was writing the fic. You can imagine how that turned out as well.
In any case, if you SERIOUSLY want me to review it, I would review it knowing that it was written by a 6th grader.
In any case, if you SERIOUSLY want me to review it, I would review it knowing that it was written by a 6th grader.
Congrats you guys and also to all those in the Honorable Mentions. I was surprised that I managed to make it into that section myself. Honestly, I was more interested in the custom title of Fakku Writer than I was any of the prizes, since I don't have a lot of good hiding spots in my house and I don't have any mangas/doujins that I absolutely wish were translated.
On that note, I am still available for reviews if anyone wants them and I'm still asking for reviews on my work, judges or otherwise. While I had a few reviews, they were written before I added in a major edit. The link for my story is above with the other Honorable Mentions.
On that note, I am still available for reviews if anyone wants them and I'm still asking for reviews on my work, judges or otherwise. While I had a few reviews, they were written before I added in a major edit. The link for my story is above with the other Honorable Mentions.
Wow...can't believed I missed this gem of a story.
Good: Damn, AMAZING mech action. As a fan of mechs, I enjoy any story like this. Actually, that is why I was so critical of Pulse of the Stars, since it was a Gundam-related story with no action. With your exquisite use of details, I could just imagine Deckard's situation and I'll give you additional props for putting him in a lower ranked suit compared to his foes. I can go on and on, but I think you get the idea that I enjoy this story much more than the others I've read due to a personal bias.
Bad: Unfortunately, just as equally, I can see many flaws with this work. Unlike Pulse of the Stars, this is all mech action and no romance, and barely qualifies as part of summer. I'd like to think that this isn't a vacation. All in all, it barely utilizes the themes and even the FAKKU reference is a bit of a throw-in opposed to something integral. Additionally, I feel that this is part of a larger work that you've submitted for the purpose of the competition opposed to something that can stand on its own. I had a ton of unanswered questions at the end, such as why Deckard was there and who he was working for. I think my last gripe is that Deckard, while in a lower-ranked mech, essentially pulled a Kira Yamato. Actually, it was EXACTLY like what happened in GSD Episode 34/35. By all means, Deckard should've died. I understand an explosion and surviving, but a stab through the cockpit should be a deathblow no matter what. Considering the status of Deckard's mech, I can't see why he would survive and what's worse, that the enemy wouldn't finish him off.
Even though I am listing a ton of issues I've had, this is by far one of my favorite stories that I have read, just because it satisfied my itch for mech combat.
Good: Damn, AMAZING mech action. As a fan of mechs, I enjoy any story like this. Actually, that is why I was so critical of Pulse of the Stars, since it was a Gundam-related story with no action. With your exquisite use of details, I could just imagine Deckard's situation and I'll give you additional props for putting him in a lower ranked suit compared to his foes. I can go on and on, but I think you get the idea that I enjoy this story much more than the others I've read due to a personal bias.
Bad: Unfortunately, just as equally, I can see many flaws with this work. Unlike Pulse of the Stars, this is all mech action and no romance, and barely qualifies as part of summer. I'd like to think that this isn't a vacation. All in all, it barely utilizes the themes and even the FAKKU reference is a bit of a throw-in opposed to something integral. Additionally, I feel that this is part of a larger work that you've submitted for the purpose of the competition opposed to something that can stand on its own. I had a ton of unanswered questions at the end, such as why Deckard was there and who he was working for. I think my last gripe is that Deckard, while in a lower-ranked mech, essentially pulled a Kira Yamato. Actually, it was EXACTLY like what happened in GSD Episode 34/35. By all means, Deckard should've died. I understand an explosion and surviving, but a stab through the cockpit should be a deathblow no matter what. Considering the status of Deckard's mech, I can't see why he would survive and what's worse, that the enemy wouldn't finish him off.
Even though I am listing a ton of issues I've had, this is by far one of my favorite stories that I have read, just because it satisfied my itch for mech combat.
Alright then, I just reviewed the 5 stories, though I realize that it was very delayed. In fact, I am currently trying to get through Xenon's, then Rise's story. Asides from those two, I am free to do a few more stories that need it.
Slightly sadistic? That’s an understatement…
Good: I love the dialogue between your characters and also how just Fakku played into the story instead of being an obligatory reference. Hell, Decus and Alice’s antics had me laughing and even the ending was hilarious. As odd as it is, this is probably one of my favorite couples among all these stories so far.
Bad: You had a little wording error, but asides from that, my major gripe with this story was the lack of detail. I was very interested in the world that you set up, which seemed to be a swords and sorcery type world, but then you threw in Fakku, so I was confused. In fact, you just sort of glazed through what should be the climax of the story, being Alice finally wearing a swim suit, and as such, the falling action feels more like the rising action. On top of that, you talk about a Vanguard and Commander Brute, along with Decus’s habit of decapitating pedos, but I was left confused because I wanted more detail in this area.
Otherwise, this is probably one of the funniest stories I’ve read so far. And now…I find it interesting if I substitute Alice with Rise…
Good: I love the dialogue between your characters and also how just Fakku played into the story instead of being an obligatory reference. Hell, Decus and Alice’s antics had me laughing and even the ending was hilarious. As odd as it is, this is probably one of my favorite couples among all these stories so far.
Bad: You had a little wording error, but asides from that, my major gripe with this story was the lack of detail. I was very interested in the world that you set up, which seemed to be a swords and sorcery type world, but then you threw in Fakku, so I was confused. In fact, you just sort of glazed through what should be the climax of the story, being Alice finally wearing a swim suit, and as such, the falling action feels more like the rising action. On top of that, you talk about a Vanguard and Commander Brute, along with Decus’s habit of decapitating pedos, but I was left confused because I wanted more detail in this area.
Otherwise, this is probably one of the funniest stories I’ve read so far. And now…I find it interesting if I substitute Alice with Rise…
Actually, I agree with that rubric. When I was doing reviews, I had my own style, but that one makes a lot of sense. I take it that it means that we will be finding out winners soon?
Good: What an opening. Not only could I picture the setting, but I could practically hear the thunder from your vivid descriptions. Also, the general concept takes a somewhat typical concept and puts an interesting spin on it. Actually, I’d say that you’ve combined two concepts together successfully. Hell, I was even satisfied with the resolution.
Bad: While I do appreciate the ending, my main gripe is that the falling action of this story was all exposition and, as previously stated, the level of detail went down. Don’t get me wrong, though. It was necessary, but a bit too much exposition at the cost of details. Also, the beginning was a little vague and confusing at times. Specifically, Miyako waiting for Kiyako.
Bad: While I do appreciate the ending, my main gripe is that the falling action of this story was all exposition and, as previously stated, the level of detail went down. Don’t get me wrong, though. It was necessary, but a bit too much exposition at the cost of details. Also, the beginning was a little vague and confusing at times. Specifically, Miyako waiting for Kiyako.
Oh, I understand and respect your authority. I was just confused when I saw the notice as I could not pick out any noticeable difference in editing.
To elaborate, I felt that you did not actually have to have the epilogue separated and it could have been incorporated into the story a little better. It wasn't a terrible epilogue at all, though it felt very disconnected from the main story.
While I have written a very negative review and this may be interpreted as kicking a man while he's down, but I would hate to see someone disqualified. Honestly, did Walker even edit his work? It looks exactly the same and I still see the same errors I did before. How was this edited? Even if it was edited, it wasn't enough to make it coherent and while I highly doubt this entry will win, I still think it deserves to remain, if only because I can't see any signs of editing and also because it really doesn't make a difference...
Good: Average? No, this is easily above average. Actually, the “hello-goodbye” theme works pretty well here, although I would’ve liked to know a bit more about the characters. However, the vivid details were outstanding and I could easily picture the scenery. I also enjoyed how the story begins and ends in the train station.
Bad: Sadly, the main error with this outstanding piece is grammar. Granted, it is not horrible with grammar, compared to that other story I have reviewed, but I am disappointed that what could have been a near flawless story was ruined by something that is easily fixable. Honestly, I believe the best thing to do before submitting a piece is to actually read it out loud.
Still, definitely a worthwhile entry, considering I was not originally interested in the subject matter, so good job.
Bad: Sadly, the main error with this outstanding piece is grammar. Granted, it is not horrible with grammar, compared to that other story I have reviewed, but I am disappointed that what could have been a near flawless story was ruined by something that is easily fixable. Honestly, I believe the best thing to do before submitting a piece is to actually read it out loud.
Still, definitely a worthwhile entry, considering I was not originally interested in the subject matter, so good job.
Er...wasn't this a SUMMER contest? What's with the winter?! [/jk] All joking aside, a nice entry.
Good: The details are amazing. Just...amazing. Also, when I was reading this, I enjoyed that it felt like I was reading a poem more than a story. While I did joke about the winter setting, it actually works to your advantage. The ending was interesting, considering it comes off as a happy ending.
Bad: I don't have too many negative points, though I noticed that the word choice was off at times and sometimes, your fragmented sentences could've been put together to form complete sentences without losing the effect from fragmented sentences. I think my primary gripe with this story was how out of the blue the marriage proposal is, since it didn't seem to build up to it as well. Also, I'm guessing that Cecil and Remi are Saku and Room's kids, though it wasn't completely clear to me.
Otherwise, well done and quite gutsy of making a winter story during the summer contest.
Good: The details are amazing. Just...amazing. Also, when I was reading this, I enjoyed that it felt like I was reading a poem more than a story. While I did joke about the winter setting, it actually works to your advantage. The ending was interesting, considering it comes off as a happy ending.
Bad: I don't have too many negative points, though I noticed that the word choice was off at times and sometimes, your fragmented sentences could've been put together to form complete sentences without losing the effect from fragmented sentences. I think my primary gripe with this story was how out of the blue the marriage proposal is, since it didn't seem to build up to it as well. Also, I'm guessing that Cecil and Remi are Saku and Room's kids, though it wasn't completely clear to me.
Otherwise, well done and quite gutsy of making a winter story during the summer contest.
Honestly, if there was a voting system, I can see it more of as a popularity contest rather than what truly is the better story. Also, while I am hoping to hear about a winner soon, I counted the entries and realized that, despite the many reviews I and Coffee have done, we might've reviewed a little more than half of the total stories and that's merely a guess, so major props to our esteemed judges.
And I've been accused of being called an old man... In any case, for what it's worth, I did edit my story a bit, though the central premise remains the same. I did take your suggestions into account, since you did bring up good points. Also, as for the driver, I took it as some random stranger, honestly. If it was supposed to be the Dad, then I missed out on some details.
Or, you could do what I do and copy your post with the edits, then delete the post and re-post in its place. Not sure if that's against any rules, but it beats double-posting and gets people's attention.
Okay then, asides from Rise's story and the five recent stories she recommended, I have reviewed all other works posted here and even one from the main topic. As for the five, I have read some, but just haven't written the reviews. After all, I am on vacation and just haven't gotten as much computer time...
On a random note, would anyone care to check out the new version of my story? A modest request I would think...
A Place Beyond the Blaze
So...actually, I probably should check out Xenon's work, since Coffee recommended it...
On a random note, would anyone care to check out the new version of my story? A modest request I would think...
A Place Beyond the Blaze
So...actually, I probably should check out Xenon's work, since Coffee recommended it...
Good: I apologize in advance, but I can't think of too many things for this section. I guess the fighting was interesting, albeit short, and sadly...that's all I have to say.
Bad: Dear lord, just look at the grammatical errors and spelling errors. No offense, but did you actually review your own work before hand? Also, you have an issue of switching between past and present tense. This is literally from me reading the first paragraph. It was almost unreadable for me. Then, there's the issue of the story itself, which lacks logic in many areas. You failed to mention until later that they had known each other for a long time, so it seemed quite random for Walker to go on a 4 hour plane ride to meet a stranger he knows online. Also, the story's pace is just...painful. It starts out painfully slow, then all of a sudden ramps up when she's being kidnapped, to him taking a knife to the stomach, spilling his feelings and blood, then miraculously surviving and they live happily ever after. I'm sorry, but even with the word limit, it is possible to adjust the pace.
Again, I am really sorry that I can't give any positives, but simple things could have salvaged this work. Honestly, show it to your friends. Read it out loud. JUST READ YOUR OWN DAMN WORK. I can tell you're inexperienced right now, so hang in there and maybe if you keep working at it, you just might come up with a good story.
Bad: Dear lord, just look at the grammatical errors and spelling errors. No offense, but did you actually review your own work before hand? Also, you have an issue of switching between past and present tense. This is literally from me reading the first paragraph. It was almost unreadable for me. Then, there's the issue of the story itself, which lacks logic in many areas. You failed to mention until later that they had known each other for a long time, so it seemed quite random for Walker to go on a 4 hour plane ride to meet a stranger he knows online. Also, the story's pace is just...painful. It starts out painfully slow, then all of a sudden ramps up when she's being kidnapped, to him taking a knife to the stomach, spilling his feelings and blood, then miraculously surviving and they live happily ever after. I'm sorry, but even with the word limit, it is possible to adjust the pace.
Again, I am really sorry that I can't give any positives, but simple things could have salvaged this work. Honestly, show it to your friends. Read it out loud. JUST READ YOUR OWN DAMN WORK. I can tell you're inexperienced right now, so hang in there and maybe if you keep working at it, you just might come up with a good story.
Well, after hearing all the hype, I just had to read this story, though I apologize for the late delay.
Good: Amazing premise and certainly a bittersweet ending. Adam is easily one of the more memorable characters among all the original stories I have read and his interaction with Xenon was outstanding. I actually agree that it could've been even better if this was from Xenon's POV, but I digress. In any case, the details were quite intricate as well. Hell, even though Eve had little presence, I liked how much of an impact she had.
Bad: While the premise is amazing, I will admit that I was a little disappointed. It could be that the hype gave me unrealistic expectations, but in all fairness, while you had great details, they tended to get a bit confusing. Half that time, I kept rereading earlier passages to confirm that Adam was dead, since you made him seem so alive. Also, I was a little delayed in understanding the ending until I realized the title played into the story. While I have no objections with the ending, it was a bit vague and if it was not for the title, I probably would still be confused about it.
By all means, this is a good story, but for some reason, I can tell that it can be so much better and considering your credentials, I have a nagging feeling that this was not as thought out as your other stories. Despite this, I still enjoyed this story, so bravo.
Good: Amazing premise and certainly a bittersweet ending. Adam is easily one of the more memorable characters among all the original stories I have read and his interaction with Xenon was outstanding. I actually agree that it could've been even better if this was from Xenon's POV, but I digress. In any case, the details were quite intricate as well. Hell, even though Eve had little presence, I liked how much of an impact she had.
Bad: While the premise is amazing, I will admit that I was a little disappointed. It could be that the hype gave me unrealistic expectations, but in all fairness, while you had great details, they tended to get a bit confusing. Half that time, I kept rereading earlier passages to confirm that Adam was dead, since you made him seem so alive. Also, I was a little delayed in understanding the ending until I realized the title played into the story. While I have no objections with the ending, it was a bit vague and if it was not for the title, I probably would still be confused about it.
By all means, this is a good story, but for some reason, I can tell that it can be so much better and considering your credentials, I have a nagging feeling that this was not as thought out as your other stories. Despite this, I still enjoyed this story, so bravo.
