Flaser Posts

#!/usr/env ruby
#
# bones
# by Jonathan Drain

require 'bones'

# I recommend that you change the name of your bot and the channels it joins to avoid
# conflict with other dicebots. Check with your network operator to ensure they allow bots.

# NB: As a security measure, some IRC networks prevent IRC bots from joining
# channels too quickly after connecting. Manually encourage it to join with this:
# /msg bones @@@join #channel

your_bot_name = "Bones" <-- This is where you set the name of your Bot. I use "Bones-Unity"
server_to_join = "irc.esper.net" <-- This is where you set what server the bot connects to, for us it'd be "irc.sorcery.net"
port = 6667
list_of_channels = ["#bones,#cocac,#d20"] <-- This is where you set what channels the bot joins by default, for us it'd be ["#FallOfUnity"]

# NOTE: To join multiple networks, you can copy this file to create two Boneses.
# Alternatively, if you're familiar with Ruby, it should be straightforward. ('_')b

begin
client = Bones::Client.new(your_bot_name, server_to_join, port, list_of_channels)
end

1st SESSION

An Interrupted Matchmaking Party

Lady Lynn Sarton was holding (yet another!) party, de jure to find a groom, de facto get the local lords off her case. Overseeing the event and acting as the master of house was Baron Randal Feist, liege lord of the late Lord Sarton and guardian of Lady Sarton. The graceful and the not so graceful but aplomb scoundrels Miang nar Umoth and Jack O'Leahy were on the lookout for some windfall of the event, the later posing as the nobleman Jack Schiglibowgowitz.

The merry occasion, for unless you were 16 year old girl with all the unwed bastards eying you like a piece of meat, the event was merry indeed, took a sudden turn when one of the guests tried to rape a maid. When the lady of the house and the two swindler turned heroes of the time tried to intervene to their astonishment the maid turned on them as well.

2nd SESSION

Disease Revealed

Lady Lynn was gravely injured in the tussle and Miang also took a beating. After a good night's rest as the guests of honor, the company assembled to find out the cause of yesterday's peculiar events. Meanwhile the strong downpour forced two travelers - Grezus, the cleric of Fharlanghn, and Rouke Pardathian - to stay at the manor. To their befuddlement the Baron also demanded their attendance.

The physician's report quickly gave reason: Yesterday's assailant and his victim were afflicted with a disease that is slowly spreading. It is transmitted via fluids and causes people to become feral and go off of their base instincts, loosing all their wits and coherence.

On The Run

A quick examination showed that none present were yet infected. That was quick to change. Several mindless assailants stormed the manor. Although they managed to hold the mob for a while, once a half giant crashed through the wall the adventurers were forced to flee for their safety. Escaping down an apple tree in the courtyard they headed for the stables where to their horror they found the seemingly dead Baron. Taking a wagon with two horses the companies fled in haste only to see the Baron rise with his wits gone, he has become one of the afflicted. Their last glimpse of the manor showed an giant, unidentifiable creature collapsing it.

In the wagon they found some supplies, the baron's signet ring and a strange gemstone next to 500 gold coins. They decided to head for a mountain or some such to survey the country as they judged going to town unknowing too risky. On their first night, a stranger in a black cloak approached them, his nature evidently that of an immortal. He identified the gem as a soul-stone, only useful to his kind holding the souls of a little girl, a paladin and a mule. In trade for the stone he offered various things but finally - at Lady Lynn' insistence - the adventurers traded it for an antidote recipe to the plague as well as some information on how they could thwart it.

3rd SESSION

Morning Hassle

In the morning Lady Lynn & Miang decided to check a nearby stream to refill the group's water-sacks and wanted to take along Grezus as cheap muscle, ahemm... protection. Rouke's foul up with on of the horses delayed that which Jack's "electric solution" (he wanted to stun the horse) blew out the window. Afterwards as Miang was trying to get everyone's attention Lady Lynn finally wised up to the fact that Jack "Schiglibowgowitz" wasn't who he claimed to be... so they had a pointless argument at (her) sword-point while the horse got away. Miang got on a horse to chase it, Rouke was miffed that they didn't allow him to shoot it.

Big Guy, Small Guy, COOKIES!

Then something unexpected happened. Someone was munching... really loudly. Then the horse flew back... without it's head. Then the half-giant from the "party" arrived and knocked Ming off her horse rattling her bones in the process (Grezus took care of that with a healing spell). As everyone was busy hiding some one else showed up...

A midget (5' tall guy) showed up and proceeded to smack the half-giant around then he climbed the guy and continued to torment him. At this point Jack got the bright idea to play hero. He electrocuted the half-giant which was the only effective thing the party has done so far... then rushed in to promptly get his ass handed to him. Meanwhile Miang was helping Grezus don his armor, Rouke was wasting ammo and Lynn was busy being a new-found fangirl of small guys beating up big things.

Finally the mysterious hero finished the fight - danced on the desecrated body of his opponent - then proceeded to the party and exclaimed:

"Knives kill big guy, knives do good! Knives get cookie?"

While everyone was busy face faulting (...and Lynn was picking up the broken shards of her teenage dreams) the man proceeded to the wagon and conjured to celestial horses out of thin air. After a bit of hassle and ribaldry everyone got on the wagon which took off - flying. This made Grezus airsick and taciturn, while Lynn was sick, terrified and clingy... so she clung to the closest thing - Knives. The later made crude romantic remarks so she let go. During the flight Knives was busy doing crazy stunts, Miang thoroughly enjoyed the ride through the air and eventually Jack joined in the fun. It took Lynn all the ride but she overcame her fear to look around.

Polis of Medeval Skyscrapers

The town they were approaching was the one they saw in the Merchant's vision, the place where they could find powerful allies. When they landed, Jack jumped off the wagon then tried to step down from the roof... and almost fall to his death as it was a skyscraper. following Knives they descended through the structure. Inside a small band of warriors received them who led them to a council chamber where they were introduced to rest of the survivors, among them Master Markos the Alchemist who seemed to know about them and the recipe and asked to receive it.

Lynn - once again to the chagrin of some of his companions - was unwilling to hand it over until the Alchemist vowed to use it for the good of all. Then she tried to rally the survivors and organize them, but she made a stupid mistake - not following the other conversation, she misunderstood an off hand comment and - took on of Knives' cookies. She was struck down on the spot. (A priest had to raise her).

Afterwards - and throughout Lynn's bossing around - Miang was trying to get everyone to cooperate, but was ignored. Growing disgusted with the proceedings she left the hall.

4th SESSION

All We Wanna Do Is Eat FUCK Your Brains OUT

Wanting some fresh air Miang went for a walk in the arcades surrounding the main hall. The sight was breathtaking: Pornbies everywhere in town... She called everyone's attention of the minor problem of a couple thousand pornbies trying to claw their way in. This was the best moment for the half-ling Angelus to introduce himself and attach himself party.

Everyone was busy panicking and evacuating to the roof... except our heroes who went to main lobby to get Knives your homicidal cookie maniac and pornbie repellent. Knives was busy... tearing down the only door separating the pornbie hord from everyone!

After Miang snapped her out of her post cookiematic panic attack Lynn dashed off to the kitchen still muttering about cookies...

Knives Got Issues

Miang tried to use intelligent common sense to dissuade Knives of the notion which Jack repeated with hot-blooded nonsense... to no awaile while in the kitchen Lynn was forced to exclaim: "Knives.... knives.... THIS GUY HAS ISSUES!"

In the lobby there was no stopping Knives who was well into disintegrating the front door (he apparently found it more satisfying than using the doorknob).

"But they has it and knives wants it!"

...all the knives in the kitchen were gone. The guy had issues. Lynn found what she came for and probably saved everyone life than and there: COOKIES! The only handle on the maniac. Miang and Jack started to make a barricade at the door leading to the stairs and that's how Lynn found them on the way back. They briefly deliberated whether to leave an opening for Knives but decided against it. Miang summed it up pretty well:

"I figure Knives can just summon his flying horses and get to the roof, no need to leave openings for the infected."
"Why? That guy's gona have fun all day. Heck, he wouldn't die if you killed him!" added Lynn.
"Lynn.....people die if they are killed." admonished Miang.

Your Ass Is On The Line

That's when the infected burst through the door and once again pinned Jack and Miang to the floor... again. Their ass was on the line. This was the moment of truth when Lynn threw a cookie she raided from the kitchen onto the assailant pornbies. Knives made pornbie mincemeat out of them, then proceeded to eat the cookie sitting on top of his handiwork... and the frantic Miang pinned underneath! When they finally distangled the harried heroine the party fled through the stairs. On top Markos was glad to see them... until they told him that they left the only guy who could evacuate the survivors down there with the pornbies.

So all our heroes could hope for was Knives would tire of playing whack-a-pornbie and come rescue them. Didn't seem likely though. All through the commotion Rouke and Angelus were wasting ammo shooting down a couple dozen infected that didn't do anything to ward off the thousands of other pornbies. Lynn started to wave and loudly munch on the cookies. This almost got Knives attention, but a shiny knife made him loose interest. This gave Miang the idea to conjure a huge (illusory) cookie in the air and woe Knives back onto the roof. This was a huge success. (Making a noter here). Knives once again using Miang as an impromptu chair and munching a cookie on top of her was not.

After some more procrastination involving some heroic nonsense (whether the party should go with the first or the last flying wagon out of Saigon Pornbie Town) the session was cut short and everyone magically achieved level 5.

5th SESSION

Looking for Group

After the hair-raising rescue that only arrived at the last minute (but had to be cut from the screenplay due budget overruns) the group finally got their quest from Markos to make the antidote:

Get him stuff. Find the "thingie". Likely do this several times.
He also gave them a teleport device that would "hop" an errand boy back to him wiht the latest "thingie" as well as map of the area where the first "thingie" will be found.

Miang was elected the leader of the group and even Miss Bossy decided to support her. She made splendid copies of the map, and after redistributing their supplies our brave... and not so brave but gallant... or not so gallant but sour heroes went forth.

Giant Spiders? If only...

Their first task was to get the "Thingie of the Deadly Forestâ„¢" so on the way to the forest they found their first challenge. Rouke and Lynn decided to scout ahead. Soon they noticed something strange. It thankfully didn't notice them...
...it did react to the rest of the party though. The earth split and everyone was busy running for their lives. Giant Worms! They promptly ran away.

Tolling Through

The party consulted their map and decided to go around the worms by detouring to a nearby canyon - though they didn't want to go into it. At the site they found an encampment of soldiers - wearing the crest of Mellio - holding back a mob of peasants. Apparently the local lords thought that taking the virginity of all their cute girls and a tenth of their crops (as well as "birthday" & "not-birtday" presents every other month) wasn't enough. The plebes also have to pay a toll to know their place.

Over the racket of class struggle no one noticed the party. Several plans were thought and dismissed - yes, Jack, lightning's bad! - including Rouke using his BOOM-stick to get their attention - didn't get around to do it - as well as inane chanting "Make way in the name of King Keneth!" - "good idea" in the presence of a bunch of close to rebellious peasants - to no avail. Finally the guard noticed them on his own and for once Lynn's much vaunted rank was of use. Using the privileged status of their companion in the medeval maffia nobility they not only got away scot-free, but the guards also arranged transportation for them.

It's a Bird...It's a Dragon!...It's...

...a gnomish flying ship. Apparently Mellio's airship was finishing its patrol. As they party boarded they were once again restrained and tested for the plague. When they were cleared the Captain asked for Lady Lynn to accompany her to speak with his lord. However Lynn demanded that Miang should be the one to lead negotiations as she was the leader of the group, at the Captain's adamant refusal Miang was left behind.

In the Captain's quarters she was served tea, and recieved a holographic (magic!) conference call from King Mellio. After exchanging pleasantries she gave the king a detailed explanation of their travels and situation - omitting her companions take on class warfare. Though credulous the king seemed to believe her and instructed the airship to drop them off at their request. At Lynn's further request he even provided some guards to assist them.

Afterwards the Captain escorted everyone to their quarters. Miang and Jack tried to extract some more info on the ship and its build, but their efforts were stonewalled. Apparently House Mellio excersized strong op-sec where magick of national importance was involved.

6th SESSION

Tree Hazard

First thing first, after getting dropped off, Miang almost killed herself climbing a tree to check out the path ahead. Looked safe...suspicious. She saw a shiny. Having nothing better - or wiser - to do the party went and checked it out. It was an amulet. They decided to keep it, but no use it until it's identified.

Mushroom, mushroom, mushroom...

So they went deeper into the forest following the path into depravity. They came upon phallic indicators of the DM's frustration: Giant tentacled mushrooms. Miang and Lynn managed to hide while Grezus charged into them. One of the guards also joined the fray just in time. After a brief tussle they were downed, and the guard Justin Time got poisoned.

Random Encounter

Next they found a treasure chest in the middle of the road. Since it was an obvious trap they didn't fall for it... but since it was an obvious trap it must've held something valuable they couldn't leave it alone. So they tapped, de-trapped, and banged it around...

Justin meanwhile knocked himself out with a detect magic spell. Not a good idea in a freaking magical forest. (Like using a night vision spell in a fireball testing range). At least it didn't fry his brain.

...finally Miang tried to open it. The very pissed off mimic finally attacked her. She gave as good as she got, but was stuck: it was an adhesive mimic. Soon enough Lynn joined her. (How come all these sticky, crawly, tentacled monstrosities always go after the girls?). Anyway soon it was dead and our heroines free.

Miang found a +2 AC ring, and Lynn also decided to try out the shiny amulet. It turned her into a man. She took it off and got better. Some ribaldy ensued when everyone tried it out, but then all of a sudden a god made everyone asleep.

7th SESSION

Morning Hassle ...and More Trees! (Groan!)

When they woke up everyone was overtaken by the urge to breakfast and do their morning toiletry - which in Lynn's case involved first hand introduction to male anatomy. She took off the amulet, so it would another two sessions later that she got the advanced course. Miang figured out that it wasn't the gender-bender jewelry that put them to sleep.

This time it was Lynn's turn to climb a tree, which she did... only to fall from the top, do a perfect backflip to a branch below that would make you go "Ahhh..." in a circus... So she climbed back again... to fall down again! She did another perfect acrobatic recovery! (Whew! Two natural 20-ies in a row!) Third time's a charm! ...or not. She fell off and was caught by Rouke. While she was busy getting her mind over all the falling and leaping he was bussy holding a handful of girl... (and not grinning like and idiot). Miang was next to give it a go - it couldn't have been that hard! - only to fall herself and be caught by Grezus. By this time Lynn finally figured it out that it was not the wind, but the hands of a marksmen that were still, ahem... caressing her, so she got out of the, ahem... embrace. From now on, it was personal! Rouke finally thwarted this obstacle and (beside seeing a monkey laughing its ass off at the funny hairless apes who couldn't even climb a tree) saw the objective of the session:

The Hut

Being in the middle of a freakin enchanted forest, they did find it slightly odd, that anyone would live in such a pastoral locale... so they sneaked ahead... and sneaked some more... to be almost killed by all the traps around the place. Grezus could the wind knocked out him by a tree whip. Lynn got the strange idea, that maybe they should try the front door...her idea was dismissed and Miang took the lead, clearing all the traps that Lynn didn't find. Proceeding wiht caution, they were making some progress when a bush started to growl at them... a dog! Since it was just a dog everyone tried to befriend and pet it and befriend it, but its owner called it back before they could do so.

Mad Tea Party

It was a minotaur with a monocle and top hat. It greeted the party cordially and wondered why they didn't use the front door. Lynn was the fastest to switch into "Mad Tea Party Modeâ„¢" and replied in turn. After more boori..., err, "civilized" small talk, the party was invited for some tea and conversation. This made attendance a must for the party's resident Tea Junky. The inside of the hut turned out to be a huge lodging (that physically couldn't fit in the hut) of palatial tastes. Beside "Mr. Minus" the minotaur, the two other hosts of the hut were a gnome who reffered to himself under a different name every five minutes - and changed colors! - and a mysterious cloacked figure who was later identified as something called an "avatar". While Minus was playing buttler and went to fetch the tea and cookies the Gnome was busy molesting Lynn.

This sent Miss Bossyâ„¢ into a crank and she spent the rest of the encounter trying to her impress the hosts - and bore her companions - with her anecdotes of the magical artifacts in the Sarton's possesions including an alcoholic knightly armor that granted drunken fencing and a wonderous sword that could be only used on Wednesday when it rained! (Everyone else agreed that it was ridiculous and if such an artifacts did exist it could only proove that the gods had a wry and sadistic sense of humour). It was only the bergamont tea - and a chance to get fix! Tea Junkies can be scarry - that made her more amiable...but no less irritating. When Minus showed them an RPG, she told a tale of how her ancestor killed dragon with such an artifact... (Actually he killed his entourage. The dragon was allergic to the fumes and died from explosive hissing after a week long agony. The hills have been called Fiery Sneeze ever since).

Nap Time

After a bit of their respective class money envy and magic envy interplay between an Miss Practicalâ„¢ and Miss Bossyâ„¢ the party finally found out that their hosts were cursed to be friendly and tied to the hut. Mr. Minus explained to them, that the whole forest was enchanted to follow every whim and folly of a single person. For instance if "The Young Master" fell asleep so did everyone else. He also told them that there was a magically hidden city nearby, though he has never set foot in it or saw it, since he and his companions were tied to this place. The chance of some long overdue shopping made the party restless and they wanted to set out at once, but they were finally convinced to stay once told that here they could sleep of their own accord (...and the DM wanted to end the session anyway).

8th SESSION

A long awaited Victory...over Trees!

The next day, the party treated itself to a splendid breakfast - courtesy of an exceedingly corteous Mr. Minus - and set out to find the hidden city. The guards decided to stay at the hut and wait for them since it would be harder to infiltrate with that many people. It was time to... climb a tree! (Collective Groan from party!) This time though they had a secret weapon: a rope! For once the tree couldn't do anything, and Miang could climb to the very top of the a colossal one without fear of falling. With a reveal spell she scanned the area, but she couldn't see the city... however she did see "something"...or "someone" who was invisible and busy scurrying away.

Plot-Holes

The party decided to tail it. It picked up the pace, so they had to be less circumspect and ....Oops! Collectively fell down a (plot device) hole in the ground. Down the rabbit-hole they found themselves in a trash compactor a hall that opened into a mundane corridor with statues and sensor triggered automatic doors... that closed and trapped the party all of a sudden. A door opened up, cast in light their stood their elusive "shrub": a little guy, who motioned for the party to follow. When they reached a tablet the creature wrote that it couldn't speak, so it had to communicate in writing. After the party explained the nature of their quest, it offered to get the party into the town through the sewers. He cautioned the party to stay away from the "Lord" - probably the same person to whom Mr. Minus referred to as "The Young Master". All of the party, but Lynn were willing to accept his benevolence at face value, while the later wondered what the tunnel janitor gained through letting them through.

Mucking About

The sewers tunnels were wide enough... and full of muck. Grezus cast a spell on himself to light the area, while Miang, Lynn and Rouke crept ahead to pincer whom or whatever came their way... too late. Trouble found them first: big damn, bugs. Rouke didn't dive for the muck fast enough, so he had boogies inbound. Three bugging boogies to be precise. He gave one some hot lead then reatreated to get some more elbow room. Miang lamed one of the bugs with a spell then also retreated to buy time. Lynn was too slow to do the bug-out-buggy so she was in for this dance...missed one, ha! ...and the other promptly rusted off her chain mail! These bastards were rust bugs! She returned the favor and downed the first bug of the day. While pulling out the other bug wrested her sword from her arm and promptly destroyed her family heirloom. Grezus cast a sonic burst, which knocked out the lamed bug but missed the other one so it caught up with him and melted off his armor. Miang gave it a bolt in turn, pushing it close to the brink of death. Lynn put it out its misery. Grezus marched back to the unconscious bug and smashed it to vent some frustrations. His game was cut short by Rouke blowing its brains out.

Among the remains the party found a pen-case, with a big "S" engraved on a side. It was the late Dole Sarton's pen that turned into a Vorpal sword every Wednesday... when it rained. The gods were having a chuckle.

Finally the party climbed out through a manhole into an abandoned alley of the city.