mibuchiha Posts

I yawned while reading the tablet on my bed. It was just another lazy Saturday. I had hoped it would be a little different since I was in a different country, but it was too cold for me to go outside. To begin with, I lived all my life in a region where the temperature almost never dropped below 20 degrees Celsius. So the freezing air of European winter was uncomfortable, to put it mildly. To think I used to say that I would like to experience how it was like in the poles… silly me.

Suddenly the device in my hand rang, telling me that I received a new message. It read, “Hey, have you registered yet?” It was Aiko, my colleague. I imagined her sweet voice asking me the question.

After a few seconds, I realized I had no clue what she was asking about. I typed in, “Registered for what?”

“The school in March!” she replied. “We agreed that the whole lab would apply for it.”

“…ah,” I finally recalled what it was about. “Nope, I completely forgot,” I told her honestly. “When’s the deadline?”

“In three days,” she answered. “Good thing I reminded you about this. Hurry up and register.”

To be honest, I was not particularly excited about attending it. Sure, it was going to cover the same field of study, but it was not directly relevant to my research. Getting some money to go would be nice, of course, but I would be losing roughly a week of silent and peaceful lab in which I would get to work alone… hmm. Oh well, whatever. I decided to take all the fun I could from it. At that moment, it meant teasing her. “Will you be going?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I applied, if I’m admitted I’d go…”

“That won’t do,” I typed in. “I want to go only if you’re there.” Although, taking all things into consideration, it would make no difference whatsoever to the both of us.

“What are you talking about?” she replied. I imagined her being flustered. “You’re always like that. Don’t tease me.”

“That’s not easy to do,” I told her. “It’s too tempting.”

“Hush, enough with that. Just go and register already.” Yes, she responded exactly as I expected her to. She would always brush things off when she was embarrassed. That was the usual dynamics of our interaction. One of my smaller pleasures regarding human relationships.

***

Night. I was just finished having dinner. With nothing else to do, I picked up the tablet on my bed. I noticed that she sent me another message. “Hey, what are you doing?” I thought it was a little strange, she never asked me such trivial questions. With a cup of wine in my hand, I replied, “Nothing in particular. Just about to read something and call it a day. What’s up?”

The reply came unexpectedly soon for a message that was sent two hours ago. “I can’t sleep. Keep me company.”

It was morning in the home country. Whatever. “Sure… but how do I do that?”

“We can chat. I want to know more about you.”

Okay, something was definitely strange. After a while I chose to play along… I was a little curious about her after all. And I finally got my chance… I told her a few things. Some events from my childhood, my teenage years… the things that would seem personal to her. I did not understand how did knowing these things matter to anyone but whatever… she asked and she seemed eager to know. I guessed it meant something to her. A few minutes passed and I started to get sick of talking about myself. I asked her to talk.

And talk she did. About all sorts of things. She kept on and on and it surprised me. All I had to do was to ask questions, showing her half-feigned interest. It almost felt like going on a quick tour of her life. I learned about her childhood, the problems she had with her parents, how it made her into a superficially cheerful person on the outside, the things she would do to forget about her sufferings… all the things I never expected to know about. And I found it a pleasant surprise. I was curious to see how far could I take this… and I decided to ask her to explain in detail about a topic that piqued my interest; her past relationships.

Well, another unexpected response. She told me so much about them. She even answered all questions I had, down to the minutest details. About her first boyfriend, some guy older than her. How did the relationship came to be, how did they spend time together, what she loved in him, how it eventually came to an end… and then, she went on about the second one. It was different, yet similar. And honestly I thought both of them were somewhat boring… of course, I did not say it to her. She was not to blame though. I knew that from the standpoint of an observer, all relationships seemed boring. In a way I expected that reaction from me.

A knocking sound was heard. I opened the door and saw my friend, Kouji. He was with me in this trip. I guessed it showed on my face when he asked, “Tarou, did you not sleep? What were you doing?”

“Just chatting with some girl… Aiko from my lab. You know her?”

“I don’t think so…” he said, mulling for a while. “But hey, if you chatted for so long, things must be going good.”

“Nah, just talking about some personal stuff…” I said, somewhat embarrassed.

“Man, you’re smooth. How do you do that? Chicks never open up to me.”

“No idea, I just asked some questions and it took off somehow,” I said, shrugging.

“Why don’t you take it further? Who knows you’d get some action?”

“I’m not too keen about it…” I sighed. “How to do it, anyway?”

“Well, it’s a cliché move, but try asking about her experiences,” Kouji was grinning. “Physical experiences.”

“Hmm…” I mulled. I did not find the idea to be entirely agreeable, but admittedly a part of me wanted to know more. I chose to act as suggested, fully expecting a negative answer. We barely talked before, and when we did, it was all so superficial. I saw no reason for her to tell me these kinds of things.

It turned out I was wrong. She talked about it. A whole lot. I imagined every sentence and it excited me. She answered all my questions. It went on for hours with us sharing our fantasies. It felt somewhat hypocritical of me as I was totally inexperienced, but I was too immersed in the moment to care.

“You must dislike me now,” she suddenly said. “I’m a dirty girl.”

Understandable concern, for in our place, girls being so open about their sexuality was frowned upon. Personally though, I could not care less. It was more convenient if we both know what we wanted. “No, I don’t dislike you,” I told her. “In fact, I like you more now.”

“Really? You mean it?”

“Yup, so much that I wish for you to be mine,” I said. Unaware of the weight it carried.

***

We had something resembling a relationship following that. On the outside, at least. Deep down, I found it to be quite disagreeable. It seemed to me equally superficial to what we had before, but in a different sense. All that happened was our interactions getting increasingly sexual in nature. We had cam sex, we almost stopped talking about anything else. I disliked it. But lust and curiosity got the better of me.

One night, we were counting the days of my return to the country. “I miss you…” she told me. “I want to hug you and do many things…”

I disliked the idea. I was never good at getting physically close with anyone. Kouji was about the only person I could touch without feeling uncomfortable. “Me too. I can’t wait to embrace you,” replied my lust.

For that night, we settled with the usual.

***

I was surprised again the next day. She said that she wanted to stop. That she was not supposed to do all this. She asked me to forget everything and get rid of all the pictures and mails we exchanged. Must be her religious impulses kicking in. I was not religious, so I thought it silly… but it did come off as a relief as well. Because it meant I would be spared from going deeper into this mess.

But the darker side of me thought otherwise. “I disagree, I want you.” Or to be more precise, I wanted to know how it would be like to do you.

We had an argument. In the end, we settled on a deal; she would let me do her, but afterward I would do as she wanted. Damn it. So I had fallen so low to resort to blackmail… honestly, what was I doing?

It was frustrating and exciting at the same time. I had no idea where this would take me… but at the moment, I was too horny to think.

***

As we inched closer to the appointed date, things slowly changed. She was strangely becoming more eager, no longer concerned with the deal. I, despite the excitement, tried as I could to null the deal. I kept proposing absurd things to scare her off, but she kept agreeing to all of them. Even so, I was unable to say it myself that I wanted us to stop. The fact remained that I wanted to do her. Eventually, I simply ignored the screams inside saying that it was not the proper way. I decided to enjoy it as much as I could, letting my baser sides take over. It was probably the only chance I would get to do someone, I told myself.

The arrangement was that we would spend the entire day together. My first time taught me a lot. The sex was great, true, but as we embraced each other, I understood more clearly why I was so aversive of physical contact. Despite the warmth, I felt even more alone than I ever was. I tried to ignore the feeling and focused only on her. But the more I tried, the harder it became.

At the end of the day, I was unable to sleep. I had Aiko, the girl I liked, sleeping soundly in my embrace. But I was not the least bit happy. Far from it, I was utterly depressed. At myself for resorting to underhanded methods to reach this point. At her for accepting it all eagerly, seemingly without regard for what was proper. At Kouji for suggesting me to venture into this. Once again at myself, for still trying to make excuses for my shortcomings.

***

The following day was horrible. The thought kept tormenting me. I felt so low, so base. I was angry at how I did it more as an organism than a person. It was not the kind of self I wanted to be. I knew that I had to settle things as soon as possible.

I called Aiko. I got rid of everything and I told her that I wanted for this to be over. She did not look happy about it and asked me why the sudden change of heart.

“I can’t keep on being like this,” was my answer.

“You know… actually… I liked you…” Aiko said, she looked like she was about to cry. “That’s why… even though you suggested all those crazy things, I was fine with them…”

“Thanks,” I said, giving a smile that I felt was genuine. I’m really sorry about what happened… but I finally understood that I’m not cut for human relationships. I like my solitude more.”