mibuchiha Posts

Feb 10, Thursday

“That’s all, class dismissed. Take care on your way home,” the teacher says and leaves the class. Then students begin to exit the door.

I’m putting my stuff into the bag slowly. Not that I have any plans for the evening anyway.

“It finally ends… I’m tired,” I think, but end up saying it out. I sneak a glance to her as she goes with her friends. If only an act is more noticeable the more feelings it contains.

“Yo Aize! I see you’re gloomy as usual,” a voice I know says from my right. “Wanna hit on some girls to cheer yourself up?”

A whacking sound is heard. Ahaha, Sarah’s as quick as ever. “That’s not something you say when your girlfriend’s right next to you, Nash!”

I stand up, facing the couple. I shrug my shoulders and say, “You reap what you sow man.”

“Ouch…” Nash rubs his head in pain. No wonder though, Sarah used a thick encyclopedia just now. Nash holds her chin up and whispers, “I love you Sarah. But if you can be a bit softer…”

“Let’s see you flirt less with other girls first!” Sarah jabs Nash in the gut. His body falls on her. “Whaa… wait, Nash!” Sarah yells, it’s too sudden for her to support his weight. Just as she’s falling Nash wraps her neatly in his arms.

“Your flustered expression is cute too, Sarah,” Nash smirks. Ugh, how can he say it so smoothly…?

Damn, I can feel myself blushing. I better buzz off soon. “Okay, I’d rather not waste time so I’m going home. Bye guys.”

Nash looks at me. “Already? Come on, hang with us a bit more.”

His embrace is probably loosening. Sarah quickly uses the chance to stand up.

“Nah, I’m just disturbing you lovers anyway. See ya later Nash, Sarah.”

“Bye Aize. Take care…” Sarah waves to me, smiling. Dammit Nash, you sure are lucky.

***

“Finally,” I sigh, doing revision really drains me out. I go downstairs and make myself hot choc. Then I sit on the bed.

I look at the picture I put on my desk. I think I’m… smiling. A bittersweet feeling fills me up. My chest feels tight, and my eyes start to feel watery.

“I wonder what she’s doing…” I utter, a lot is put into those words. I wish she’s doing well. I hope she is as cheerful as her figure in this one picture I have.

It’s been a while since I started feeling like this, but I never got used to it. So I’ll say it again. I guess this is how being in love feels like.


Feb 11, Friday

Evening. I exit the supermarket carrying the things Mom asked me to buy. I walk briskly, wanting to finish the errand as soon as I can.

Suddenly a strange thought pops in me. Buying groceries is just an everyday thing. No, maybe that’s exactly why I’m happy. I’m thinking how nice it is if I can do this for her. That would mean we’re living together. How can I not smile at that? I love her!

Okay, I know it’s just me imagining things. But hey, one can at least wish right?

I walk past the junction and turn right. Then I suddenly stop. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m stopped. She’s just some meters ahead, walking into this direction. Ugh…

An abrupt conflict. My shy side wants to run away from this. I’m embarrassed. I don’t want her to see me like this. At the same time my yearning side demands me to stay. This is my chance to talk to her, to get the least bit closer to her. Who knows if I get to know how she feels about me? I can finally get my answer, and the first step towards it is to be courageous.

“Hi Izzie. The weather’s nice today,” I say. I hope I didn’t stutter. That’s about all I can force out, being this nervous.

“Oh, Aize,” she says as if she just noticed me. “That’s a lot you’re carrying there.”

“Um, yeah…” I nod. I’m a bit disappointed actually. I wish she’d smile at me, even if slightly…

“I gotta go,” she says. “See you later Aize.”

There she goes. I’m both smiling and crying. She seems so far away…


Feb 12, Saturday

9:00 a.m. I lie lifelessly on the bed. I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. But one thing is clear, Izzie’s occupying every single corner of my mind since yesterday.

Damn it. I envy Nash. I don’t really want to hit on girls like him, but I want a bit of his nonchalance. If I have that, then I’ll be able to talk to her much more smoothly. I wouldn’t feel nervous. We’ll be able to talk about a lot of things. And who knows, we might even be friends… or… no, stop it Aize. I’m in no position to consider that possibility yet.

I sigh. Then I smile. Looking on the bright side of it, I got to hear her voice. Not the usual eavesdropping, but a sentence she said to me!

The phone suddenly rings. Geez… I’m not in the mood for this…

“Yo,” I say as soon as I answer it.

“You’re cruel, Aize… your soul mate is coming to play with you, and you don’t even bother to invite me in…” Nash says with his usual playful tone. This guy really can make me feel better.

“I’m coming now,” I say, terminating the call. I go out of the house and see Nash standing in front of the gate.

“I’ll tell you again, use that bell,” I say as I open the gate.

“But then I can’t be sure that it’ll be you inviting me in…” Nash grins at me. Eww… I feel a chill from the way he says it.

“Why does it matter? I’ll be seeing you regardless.”

“Oh no Aize, you hurt my feelings. You know that it has to be you…” Nash drops down, looking really disappointed. As if I’d buy that.

“Okay whatever. Why are you here anyway?”

“Oh ho ho… this! I’ll have you bite the dust today!” Nash shows his table tennis bat to me. Hah!

“You shouldn’t speak too carelessly man,” I accept the challenge. “Or you might regret it later.”

***

The game ended a while ago and we’re resting now. Nash doesn’t look happy though. Haha, that’s what he gets for declaring victory way too early.

Suddenly his phone beeps, interrupting our talk. Nash takes it out. “That Sarah… she’s really possessive at times.”

“Haha, it’s because she loves you,” I laugh. Dammit Nash, you don’t know how much I wished for a girl to worry about me…

“I’m glad…” Nash lies on the floor. “But I guess I just gotta complain sometimes!”

This guy really makes me feel jealous. That grin. Ugh!

“Say, Nash…” I hesitate. This might not be a good idea, but I want to know.

“Hmm?” he looks at me, question mark written on his face.

“How does being loved feels like?”

“That again?” Nash sighs. Of course, I asked the same question many times before.

“Well, you know me…” I can’t think of anything else to say.

“You still love her? It’s been more than a year you know,” Nash says, sounding serious.

“Yeah. We haven’t talked much, but somehow I just…” I force a smile out. “I wish I have your courage… I’m so hitting on her.”

“Aize,” Nash taps my shoulder. “Why don’t you just… move on?”

Eh? Did I hear him wrong?

“What are you saying Nash? I haven’t even made any moves on her… I should move on from what?” I ask, confused. Greatly confused.

“It’s been so long, Aize. You didn’t make any direct moves, I know. But indirect ones, plenty. And she doesn’t like it,” Nash looks at me with a sad expression.

I feel a chill in me. My mind is showing me memories I refuse to see. I admit though, even a part of me agrees that it’s pretty much impossible for her not to notice my glances.

“N-no!” I deny both his words and my memories. I convince myself Izzie still knows nothing about this love. “We won’t know until I try!”

“I’m sorry Aize. I didn’t notice until it was too late. I’d definitely give the push you needed if I noticed it earlier…” Nash shakes his head. Stop it, Nash. What’s with that hopeless expression? I just take longer to muster my courage, that’s all!

“No… we still d-don’t know… how she feels…” I stutter. I’m scared. I’m starting to even see our meeting yesterday. Her voice and expression… they lacked cheerfulness…

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Nash says to me. I see him leaving.


Feb 13, Sunday

“………………………” I stare blankly at her picture. I hate to admit it, but Nash was right. My chances are nil. Izzie thinks I’m a creep. I know that. I guess any girl would hate some spineless guy who could only glance from a distance… fuck me and my shyness.

I love her. I know that this emotion is definitely real. Now that I realized it’s an impossible dream, what am I supposed to do with this emotion? Should I just forget it? Can I? I know how strongly it burns. Just her presence is enough to stir all sorts of emotions in me. So I’m to pretend those emotions never existed just because I can’t get her?

I start to cry. I regret everything now. Why couldn’t I make a move before it’s too late? Why must I realize all this now? Since I have no chance anyway, might as well I stay drunk in that illusion forever…

I notice the small calendar in front of me. Tomorrow’s Valentine huh… the world sure knows how to rub it on me. I lie on the bed, hoping I won’t be as tormented in my sleep.

***

I wake up, feeling so empty. It’s 23:45 now. Lazily I switch the lamp on, slowly the sadness is pooling back in me.

I walk to my desk, seeing more clearly as my eyes adjust themselves to the sudden ambience. I look at her picture again. I know doing this would only add to the pain, but somehow I can’t help it. I’m so helplessly in love with her. I want to see her, even if just in printed form.

Izzie really is beautiful. Her smile shines so brightly in this. I envy everyone that is capable of making her smile like this. I can’t imagine a greater bliss than having her smile at me. But a wish is just that…

I take a pen out. I guess I am hoping for the miracle of Lovers’ Day…

Dear Izzie,

Umm… how are you? I hope you’re doing well. I guess it’s kind of strange for me to write you this, but there’s something I want to tell you…

Do you remember our first week of high school? People were all making friends with each other. But there I was at the corner of the class, all alone. I hated myself for lacking the courage I needed to reach out to people.

Fortunately, you were there. I don’t think you remember it, but you were the one that saved me. When I was about to fall into despair, pretend as if I never needed any friends, you came and talked to me. I know I am making a big deal of it. You were just asking me to participate more in the class discussions after all. But to me, it was very meaningful. Thanks to that I was able to muster my courage and got myself two really close friends.

Also, thanks to you I finally understood how it’s like to love someone. I love you Izzie. I want to mean as much to you as you mean to me.

Yours sincerely,
Aize

I read the letter again and nod. I carefully put it into an envelope, feeling excited for the day to come.


Feb 14, Monday

“Achoo!” the sound of me sneezing strikes my ear. Daaaamn, it’s cold… what a brilliant idea to come to school at 6:30... But I guess this is better than having someone see what I’m about to do…

I cross the school gate. Ignoring the surprised guard, I walk straight to classes block. Heh, he probably doesn’t expect there’s a student that would come this early…

I notice the teachers’ room is already bright. Tch, I kinda want to be the first to come to school for once. Oh well, I have better things to do now. I enter my class. As expected, I’m the first one to come. It’s still dark here so I switch the lamps on.

And finally... I’m gonna do what I came so early for. Even though I know there’s no one here, I’m still trembling. I look around just to convince myself again there’s really no one watching. Then I put the letter I poured my heart on into Izzie’s desk.

***

School is boring… especially on this darned Single Awareness Day. This is the one day I desperately wish would fall on Sunday. Well, I’d be bugged about myself being single either way but at least I’ll be spared from the pain of having to watch others flirt around in school!

“Mmmggh…” I grumble as I laze on my desk. This is how I usually spend lunch break when I don’t feel like eating. Damn, those chocolates look delicious…

I look at Nash’s desk. He’s not here, probably went off somewhere with Sarah. We didn’t talk at all. Figures, after what happened before. At least he’s considerate enough not to make me watch him and Sarah go all lovey-dovey… oh well, I guess I’ll apologize later. It was partly my fault too.

Then I look at Izzie’s desk. She’s not here too… Well, she’s usually with her friends during lunch break. I wonder if she read it… and how would she react to it… I hope… yeah, I hope she smiles at it…

***

After school. Nash and Sarah went back some time ago. We still haven’t exchanged any words. I stay without doing anything. I guess I’m reluctant to go back just yet. I’m waiting for her…

I do some revision waiting for time to pass. Her bag’s still here, so Izzie hasn’t gone home yet. 15 minutes into the revision, I see her enter the class to take her bag. Seeing her here suddenly makes me nervous. I feel divided again, one part wanting to know her answer, the other wants to avoid facing the truth.

As I keep pretending to revise, I notice her looking at me for a short while. Then she gets ready to return home. “It hurts…” I hear my inner self crying. I can’t take it. I don’t want my feelings to be answered just by an indifferent gaze. Before I know it I find myself standing.

“Izzie…!” I call her name. She stops in front of the door and turns to me. Nothing is said, but I can tell from her eyes she’s asking what business I have with her.

Timidly I ask her, “Did you read it? My letter I mean…”

A simple answer, “I did.”

Her expression still doesn’t change. I can’t read the emotion in her voice either. Trembling, I ask, “Um… so?”

“So what?” she asks, again with the indifferent tone.

“I want to know your answer…” I push myself to say it, despite my fears.

“Aize…” she says, her voice is finally filled with some feelings. “You can’t even figure it out yourself?”

The question feels like a stab to my chest. Or maybe it’s her tone. “W-what do you mean, Izzie?”

I don’t know why, but Izzie grits her teeth. Trembling, she says with a deep voice, “I mean just stop this love thing already. It’s annoying.”

Eh? Wait… did I hear her wrong? Why did she say that?

“Ridiculous. How can anyone possibly love someone like you? You can’t even begin a conversation by yourself!”

No… I guess that’s true… but still… I don’t know why, but every part of me desperately denies that. Losing my composure, I cried out, “But my love for you is real! Please, I know we can make it work…”

She makes a disgusted expression. “I refuse. Just accept that it’s impossible, Aize.”

***

I can’t remember what happened afterwards. All I know is I’m on my bed, crying as hard as I can. It hurts. It hurts so much. Why can’t she accept me? There’s no one who loves her more than me!

…………………

…………………

The phone suddenly rings. I don’t know how many hours has it been. I don’t know why I decide to reach for the phone, but I take it anyway. I see… I’m well into Tuesday already… and Nash is calling me. I answer my friend.

“Aize, I guess I said too much back then… I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s cool Nash…” I say, he was completely right anyway. “Confidence and courage… sure are important huh?”

“What the…? Well, sure they are… why?” Nash asks, not getting why I said that.

I don’t feel like talking anymore, so I switch the phone off. Then I begin to reflect what I did earlier…

“So… Izzie rejected me,” I say as a matter of fact. I wonder how I can say it so calmly. Then it strikes me. I laugh a bit, tickled by my feelings.

Yeah, it ended horribly. Tomorrow onwards is gonna be crazy awkward. But still… it’s a fact that I finally took that step. I’m no longer the me who would run away from my own feelings. I guess I can be proud at that fact.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Kinda late for this but… Happy Valentine’s Day, Aize.

It’s ending.

This year is ending.

Damn it.

Aki’s sitting on his bed. 2010’s ending and he feels so empty. There’s no accomplishment worth being proud of, no sweet memories to smile at, no hatred to curse, nothing. A cold, silent fear creeps in him, the fear that time passed with him feeling nothing at all.


***


“Oh, Matt. Come in,” the lady warmly greets her guest. She’s in her 40s, looks can be deceiving indeed.

“Thanks Aunt Rachel. Aki’s inside?” Matt politely asks.

“It’s Sis, Matt. Anyway, he should be in his room. Do me a favor and take him out,” Rachel says, looking a bit worried. “He hasn’t come out all day.”

“Haha, that’s Aki-ish alright. I’ll go see him,” Matt says, entering the house. “Oh yeah, you’re as hot as ever Aunt Rachel. Uncle Jack’s so lucky to get to do such a hot woman.”

“Ohoho… you want me to rip yours apart, Matt?” Rachel asks, her face is slightly red.

“No thanks. I still wanna use it.”


***


Matt enters the room. “I dunno how you can stay inside for so long. You’re scary sometimes, Aki.”

“Sup?” Aki asks without looking at him.

“Just visiting my buddy. Aunt Rachel’s worried about you.”

“I couldn’t have known. Mom didn’t say anything,” Aki replies.

“As if saying it makes any difference…” Matt shrugs, sitting next to Aki. Finding a box of darts near him, Matt takes one out and throws it to the dartboard.

“Dangit, not even in the triple ring,” Matt grunts.

“Gimme,” Aki says, throwing one. It’s very close to the bull.

“You’re not even looking at it. Amazing.”

“Not really. I know where the dartboard is.”

Minutes pass, only silence fills the room. Matt occasionally glances at Aki. “Sometimes I wonder how I became friends with him…” Matt’s unable to name anyone more silent than him.

“It’s time,” Matt says, there’s 1 hour left until midnight.

“I have no say in this?”

“Nope. You’re just gonna read or lurk Fakku anyway. Celebrating the New Year with me is way better.”

“I don’t understand. It’s just another day,” Aki says.

“It’s supposed to be a new beginning, a new hope,” Matt says, sighing at his gloomy friend.

“Yeah right. Lurking the net is better than some empty hope,” Aki grunts out, thinking this is a hassle.

“Say what you want, as long as you’re coming with me.”


***


“Oi, Aki,” Matt calls out as they’re walking to the celebration grounds. “Why bother joining a forum you’re not gonna post in?”

“Fap material,” Aki answers simply. “I’m not interested in being crazy popular like you.”

“Ahaha, that’s exaggerating it.”

“You give talks at cons and stuff. That’s crazy popular to me.”

“Well, maybe. But we all love the same thing, just in different ways,” Matt says, smirking. “You should give talks too man. Your anime reviews are awesome. Share them!”

“No.”

“I knew you’d say that.”

“Then why ask?”

They’re walking silently again. Minutes later they encounter two girls from their class.

“Oh my, where are you two going? Another cartoon convention?” the blonde girl asks in a condescending smile.

“……………………” Aki looks at them silently, feeling uncomfortable.

Matt feels the same way as Aki. He hides it better than him though. “Ahaha… we’re gonna celebrate New Year at the square. You girls?”

“Wow, I didn’t think you two would do that… well, you know why…” the brunette says, her stretching of the last part annoys Aki greatly.

Matt lets out a relieved sigh after brushing off the girls. Forget about Aki, even he felt like snapping right there and teach them a lesson. Aki’s still silent, his eyes reflects the hatred in him.

“Whatever. Let’s get this over with,” Aki says, continuing his walk.


***


The festival has just finished, it’s a new page of the calendar now. The two are having coffee.

“So what do you think, Aki?”

“Crowded. Annoying.”

“Hey, come on. People were so cheerful back then, even you gotta be touched a little.”

“If anything, I’m curious. Tell me why you made me go through all this.”

“It’s fun hanging out like this.”

After a while, Aki suddenly asks, “Say, Matt. When you said about hopes, new beginning and stuff… do you really mean it?”

Matt looks at Aki, surprised. After thinking he says, “Not as seriously as you think but yeah, I do feel positive towards the concept. Why?”

“You do know that it means nothing right? It’s not like anything will change just by being hopeful.”

“Indeed. But your feelings will change. By looking at things more positively we get the strength to push on,” Matt says after carefully choosing his words.

“Yeah right. How convenient would the world be then,” Aki says, annoyed at Matt’s words. He gulps his coffee down and says, “I’m outta here.”

“Wait, Aki!” Matt says, quickly following him.


***


Aki bumps to a girl and fell down. “Sorry,” he says by reflex and quickly stands up.

“U-um… A-Aki-senpai!” the girl yells.

“…?” Aki stops, feeling very strange. Who in the world uses –senpai in public? This isn’t Japan!

“Aki…!” Matt catches up to him. Aki doesn’t hear him, his eyes are too fixated on the girl. “You…”

“You’re here. Good. Aki, she’s Mina, our junior.”

“Okay…”

Mina stays silent, unable to look at Aki.

“Come on, Mina. You have something to say right?” Matt urges her.

Mina nods timidly. Then she softly says, “A-Aki-senpai! I love you, so can y-you be my b-boyfriend?”


***


“Damn it, you have a lot of explaining to do Matt,” Aki says, annoyed. One can tell that he sounds livelier than before.

“She was watching you for some time. I investigated a bit and staged the whole thing with her. She has no chances otherwise,” Matt smirks. The Aki a few hours ago would definitely turn her down.

“Mind your own business.”

“Don’t say that. I just wanted my loner friend to have a new beginning.”

Aki smiles.

“Let’s break up, Aize. This isn’t working,” Ana said suddenly. We were chatting happily seconds ago, hands together, just like a happy loving couple.

I don’t know how I managed to go home. Ana dear, you sure rocked my Eve hard. Thanks loads.

Everything after that was torture. The family gathering, present giving etc. I don’t hate particularly Christmas but after that happened, my mood was terrible.


***


26th. It’s so bright out there. I get up and take a bath. Out of things to do, I turn on the computer. Maybe I’ll go there. At least it takes my mind off this pain.

Fakku. I love this site. The community, while is a bit too wild sometimes, feels alive. I just lurk around mostly, I don’t post much. But I love reading the threads. I enjoy reading opinions that are not my own, and try to understand the thoughts that gave birth to them. Well, of course I also love how I can get my bodily needs here. Now that I broke up, they’re all the more important, lol.

I read through the front page. The usual hentai updates and… oh? Seasonal writing contest… this, I have to learn about more. So I go to the thread and read the rules. Thinking I know all I need to, I give myself a nod. Writing isn’t my forte, but it’s refreshing to do something I usually don’t. This is just the push I need.

Thirty minutes pass by silently. Damn… The brainstorming was a huge failure. Whenever I thought about what to write, romance came to mind and with it, the whole thing about Ana and her randomness. I’m supposed to distract myself with this…

Trying to brush off the feeling, I go there, the liveliest place on the site; Chat Topics and Forum Games section. It’s fun to read the posts and see the interactions between people. Virtual it may be, but I get the feeling that to many users here, this place is like their second home already.

I chuckle as I read the posts. “They’re at it again…” I say to myself, smiling. I refreshed the page, wanting to read the next post. Oh? Someone sent me a PM…

It’s from Luc, my only close friend here. Well, we just talk mostly about otaku stuff, but she’s the one I talk to most often.

Luc: Mib, you there? I wanna talk to you.

I feel a chill. Sure they’re just words, but I somehow feel the difference.

Mib: Yeah. Sup, Luc?

The reply comes almost immediately.

Luc: Do you have Skype?

And we get there.

Luc: I broke up.

Yeah, this is so different from our usual talk. But since Luc trusts me to talk about this, I should at least support her.

Mib: Why?

Luc: He’s too nice to me. I’m scared.

Mib: Huh?

Luc: He should be more selfish…

Mib: Explain.

Luc: I want to spoil him too. But he never asks anything from me… he doesn’t even talk about his troubles to me. It feels like my love isn’t reaching him…

Mib: That’s why?

Luc: Yeah.

Mib: ……………………

Luc: I know it’s weird, but…

Mib: Have you asked how he really feels?

Luc: I couldn’t bring it up…

Mib: Ask him. -__-

Yeah, my expression is exactly like that. Poor bro, I wish I’m there to give you a back pat.

Luc: <.<
>.>
But.

Mib: No buts. It’s not fair to him.

Luc: G-gao…


***


27th. I’m strolling through the park. It’s cold but the view here is too nice to pass up. Then I see Ana. It’s awkward. We pretend to ignore each other.

I go online as soon as I’m home.

Mib: What was his answer?

Luc: I didn’t ask.

Mib: Why?

Luc: It’s okay. I couldn’t understand him, so I’ll just hurt him again. He deserves better.

Mib: ……………………

Luc: Don’t worry.

Mib: If you say so.

Luc: What about you?

Mib: Just broke up too.

Luc: Why?

Mib: She wasn’t happy with me.

Luc: But you’re nice! You always listen to me…

Mib: It’s her decision.

Luc: You okay?

Mib: Love can’t be forced.

Luc: T_T


***


We spent almost all our time online for the next three days. We discussed many things together. I never knew I’d enjoy talking to Luc this much. We’re a lot closer now.

30th, 22:11. I’m browsing the forum at the moment. I go to the Random section. Something catches my interest. After I read it, I feel a strange urge in me. I remember this feeling. It’s just like when I first confessed to Ana.

Mib: Luc, can I meet you?

Luc: You’re so far away. o.O

Mib: The †˜Who?’ thread, last post. You live in the same town as me.

Luc: Really? Sure, I’d love to!

Mib: Thanks… I’m so glad…

Luc: How do I know it’s you?

Mib: I’ll be wearing a TTGL shirt, blue jeans.

I’m always scared to have people know I’m an otaku, but who cares. I’ll wear that tomorrow.

Luc: Me too then. ^_^


***


31st, 14:54. I have 21 minutes left. I’ll do some reading.

“A-Aize?” Ana’s in front of me. She appears horribly shocked. When I see her I’m also just as shocked.

Tell me this is a coincidence. No, a dream. Why is she wearing that shirt?

I manage to ask it somehow. “Y-you’re… Luc?”

Ana nods, her face is deep red. I don’t know what to say too, so it’s silence for a few minutes.

“S-sorry about Eve…” she says softly. So the bro I wanted to pat is… me.

“M-me too… I just didn’t want to trouble you but I hurt you instead…”

Oh well, guess I get my new year present some hours early. That night, in the †˜Marry your beloved user’ thread, these two posts pop up.

Mib: Luc, you’re mine.

Luc: Yes, Mib! <3

Oh no, I forgot about that contest…

It was the final period and he was spending his time at the rooftop reading. The wind felt nice to him and he liked it up there. Suddenly, he heard the sound of the sound of the door being opened and his expression changed, disliking the fact that others came there while he was enjoying himself.

“There you are…!” the class rep yelled as she walked toward him. “Why didn’t you join the class meeting?”

“Why would I join?” he asked back, his eyes still on the books. However, his focus was shifted to the class rep and he was aware of it.

“Because you’re a member of the class, obviously,” she pointed out. “Why do you avoid joining the class activities so much anyway?”

“First, because being in a crowd suffocates me. Second, because I don’t see how my presence or lack of it makes any difference in whatever you guys do. Third, because I dislike most activities you guys decide on,” he answered, still staring at the book. “Is my answer satisfactory?”

“Mmmgh… fine,” she grumbled, sitting at the bench next to his. “We were discussing what gift to give the class treasurer for her birthday. Now we’re pooling the funds for it, so pay up!”

“A birthday gift eh… you sure like things like that…” he shrugged. “No way, I ain’t paying.”

“Eh? Why?” she asked. “Everyone has to pay equally!”

“Well… last week, who’s birthday was it… what did you choose to buy? The complete set of a manga about a herd-mentality girl who’s craving for some guy who refuses to live like one… I refuse to let my money be part of those things.”

“Well that’s what she likes…” the class rep retorts. “It’s her birthday, so what’s wrong with giving her a gift that makes her the happiest?”

“The act of giving a gift is an interaction. It involves both the giver and the receiver…” he began after thinking about it for a while. “I understand your point about making the receiver happy… but as it is something I give… it contains a part of me too. So… as much as I want the receiver to be happy with the gift, ultimately the one who chooses the gift is me. And there are gifts I will never choose to give, regardless of how happy it would make the receiver.”

“Isn’t that just you being judgmental about others’ tastes?” she asked. “It’s not good to judge, you know.”

“Judgmental huh… I think everyone does it, but okay. Let me give you an example then,” he said, slightly smirking.

“An example?” the class rep asked curiously.

“Suppose you and your boyfriend are about to have sex,” he started. “Then…”

“Wha? Wait a bit! I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m still pure! I don’t know what you’re talking about!” she cut in, flustered. Her face was red from blushing.

“I don’t care about that! It’s just an example! I’m trying to illustrate a point!” he yelled at her, annoyed at the interruption. “Continuing. Then he reveals to you that he’s into scat and totally wants to eat your shit, it turns him on. Now would you let him?”

“Of course not,” she answered with a disgusted expression. “That’s just repulsive.”

“But it would make him happy. So by saying that it’s disgusting you’re being judgmental about his preferences,” he told her while shrugging. “I admit that the example is blown out of proportions but that’s pretty much how it is for me. I don’t want to contribute to something so without content like the gift you guys gave before.”

“I really don’t like your analogy but I kinda understand your point…” the class rep reluctantly agreed. She still looked dissatisfied however and added, “But you see…”

“Yeah?” he looked at her with curious eyes, wondering what she was trying to say.

“The class treasurer couldn’t afford a phone, as you already knew. So we decided to buy her this phone she really likes as her birthday gift,” the class rep explained. “She’s really kind and she did a lot for the class, so there shouldn’t be anything you hate in it, right?”

“I see,” he said, grinning. “That’s totally fine then. Sorry, I just assumed things since the class always chooses terrible things. So how much do I need to pay?”

“Hmph, make sure you know the whole story first next time!” she scolded him. “Now fork out thirty bucks.”

“Awright,” he said, handing her the cash.

“Okay, now I’m returning to the class,” she said after taking the money. Before she left she said, “You should join the meetings too. You’re a member of our class after all.”

“Yeah yeah, we both know that’s unlikely to happen,” he said, going back to the book. Then, just as she reached the door he said, “By the way, I’m sorry I lied. Actually I do care.”

“Yes?” the class rep turned back to look at him, wondering what was he talking about.

“Nah, it’s nothing. Forget it,” he said with a grin.

“What a weird guy,” she sighed and walked down the stairs.

***

“As I thought, you’re here,” the class rep said, coming to the dorm library. “Why don’t you join the birthday party? Everyone’s having fun.” The library was empty and he was the only one there at the moment.

“First and second reason,” he answered. “And if it’s fun, why are you here?”

“Because there’s a member of the class who deliberately distances himself from pretty much all class events,” she sighed. “I feel bad, so I’m checking on you.”

“Why bother?” he asked. “You don’t see any other class members coming to invite me.”

“I’m the class rep. If even I ignore you, then you’ll be completely detached from the class,” she answered, sitting in front of him. “I don’t want that.”

“I don’t see what’s so bad about that…” he sighed, closing the book and looking at her. “It’s more peaceful for me and less hassle for you. Just perfect for both of us, right?”

The class rep sighed. She thought for a while and asked, “About your second reason, I can’t say I agree with you, but I do understand where you’re coming from. But even so, don’t you want to celebrate these things too? Maybe not for everyone, but you obviously cared about the class treasurer since you contributed for her gift.”

“I do want to,” he answered after a minute of silence. “But there’s the first reason and all things considered, I dislike being in a crowd more than I like celebrating her birthday. So I don’t attend the party. Speaking of which, does she like the phone?”

“So that’s how it is huh…” the class rep mumbled. “You’re calculative even in your likes and dislikes… oh, she likes it very much. She even cried while thanking everyone.”

“That’s good to know,” he said. “So aren’t you going to return to the party?”

“Nah, I’m going to stay here a bit more,” the class rep shook her head. “I’m trying to understand this peace you like so much.”

“Up to you,” he replied, picking the book up again. About fifteen minutes passed by with them not saying anything, only the sound of the flipped pages could be heard.

“Hey,” she called out, breaking the silence. “My birthday is soon.”

“So?” he asked.

“What are you going to give me?” she asked, trying to tone down the eagerness in the question.

“You’ll get a gift from the class,” he said with the same monotonous voice.

“That’s not what I asked,” she pouted. “I wanted to know what you are going to give me.”

“Hmm…” he thought, putting the book down again. “None this year.”

“Why?” she asked. “You gave me a birthday gift every year!”

“There’ll be none this year,” he said. “What happened to last year’s gift?”

“It’s in my shelf,” the class rep told him. “Why?”

“I told you, a gift carries with it a part of the giver. I chose that book for you very carefully. I had hoped that as much as it made an impact to me, it would to you. But ever since you thanked me for it last year and told me that you don’t know when you would start reading it, you never talked about it. It’s just forgotten,” he explained to her. “If that’s how a piece of me was to be treated, I don’t think it’s worth the feelings and effort that gave birth to it in the first place. That’s why there’s nothing for you from me this year. Just enjoy whatever others get you.”

“I’m sorry…” the class rep apologized, looking sad and depressed. “I didn’t know you put much thought into it… I’ll get to reading it now.”

“It’s fine,” he answered, going back to his usual tone. “I’m not telling you all that to force you to read it. I’m just explaining why I won’t be preparing any gift for you this year.”

“I don’t mind,” the class rep said with a serious expression. “I’ll still read it. I’ll honor your thoughts from last year.”

“It’s your choice,” he sighed as she left the library.

***

Days passed and they never talked ever since. It was her birthday and as it happened to fall on a public holiday, the class decided to have the party at a better place than the dorm hall. As for he, nothing seemed to have changed and he was spending his day the way he usually would; reading, strolling and doing other similar activities alone. That day was no exception, it was morning and when he got out of his room for his morning walk, he saw the class rep waiting in the hallway.

“Morning,” he greeted.

“Good morning. You’re not joining it this afternoon?” the class rep asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Nope, as usual,” he answered. “Surely you’re not waiting just to ask that right?”

“Um… yeah. I just want to tell you something,” she explained. “I read your book. Twice.”

“That’s unexpected,” he replied. “Well?”

“I don’t think I’ve fully understood everything yet, but I now know what you meant earlier. The message of his last speech… I think it’s beautiful. I like it,” she said, looking flustered. “Maybe I’ll read it again later to understand everything the book had to tell. And well… what you tried to say by giving it to me.”

“I see,” he answered after a while, trying to sound indifferent as he usually was. “Good luck then.”

“Thanks,” the class rep replied. “That’s all I wanted to say. Have a good day.” Then she walked away from him, heading back to her room.

After she was no longer within sight, he let out a sigh. “Now that’s a change to my plans. Oh well.”

***

The celebration lasted until evening and it was just before midnight when the class rep was back at her room. As she was unlocking the door she noticed a box by it with a card glued to it. She opened the card and it read, “Your birthday present, class rep.” The card also bore his signature.

“He said he didn’t have any this year…” she said in surprise. “I wonder what it is!” she quickly entered her room and after putting the other gifts she received on the bed, she opened the box. She saw a jigsaw puzzle board and two pouches. One of them contained the pieces for the puzzle and the other contained pieces of solid which she did not know what it was.

“There’s nothing else… so I’m supposed to just solve the puzzle?” she guessed from the lack of instructions given. “Weird gift,” she smiled as she started assembling the jigsaw puzzle. It did not take the class rep long to finish the jigsaw puzzle. It was a letter and she read it attentively.

“Hey class rep, sorry for making you sad some days ago. I didn’t mean to, it’s just that I was upset that my gift was forgotten and before realizing it, I ended up lashing it out on you. Also, thanks for finally reading the book. It was one of the best books I’ve ever read and I wanted to share it with you. So it made me really happy when you read it and happier still that you tried to understand its meaning.

Anyway, the pouch with the solid pieces is your actual birthday present. It’s a 3D puzzle and this one is just an instruction manual of sorts for it. That said, I won’t be giving any concrete advice to solve it, since I’d like to find out if you’re patient enough to find what shape those pieces will form. All I’ll tell you is to just follow the shape that forms in your mind as you assemble them. Follow your instincts and I think eventually you’ll be able to solve it. Good luck!”

“Hmm…” the class rep mumbled. “There’s no class tomorrow, so I might as well…” She took the pieces out of the pouch and examined them, trying to plan the solution in her mind. Then, with a vague initial impression she gained from the pieces, she started putting them together.

It was dawn when she finally had a clear solution for the puzzle. She was getting more excited by each piece she assembled, the shape she was thinking of becoming more concrete with each addition. Then, as she attached the final piece, a big smile came to her lips and she was feeling very warm. “You’re a weird guy alright,” she said, embracing the assembled puzzle close to her heart.

There was this color called white
The color of my purest feelings
The color of totality
However, its vagueness disturbed me
I broke it up in attempt to find clarity

There was this color called red
The color of wildest desires
The color of how much I want you
However, passion alone felt so inadequate
I tried to express love with something else

There was this color called orange
The color of soothing embrace
The color of warmth I hope I'm giving you
However, warmth alone would not do
I shook my head, I needed to express this better

There was this color called yellow
The color of happiness and bliss
The color that I began to see since I started knowing you
However, I love you not only during the happy times
I moved on, yellow wasn't quite how I felt

There was this color called green
The color of fertility and harmony
The color I dreamt of to be with you someday
However, it wasn't just the dreams that drove me
I started to worry about not being able to convey this to you

There was this color called blue
The color of trust and loyalty
The color of my loving only you
However, my love wasn't just about being loyal
I disliked how I couldn't even word my love properly

There was this color called indigo
The color of wisdom and curiosity
The color I imagined venturing into with you
However, exploration wasn't all that I want to do with you
I turned sour at how I might not be able to express it at all

There was this color called violet
The color balancing passion and loyalty
The color of how I want to cherish you so tenderly
However, it was still lacking all the other things
I started to despair, I failed to express something I felt so strongly

There was this color called black
The color of solitude and death
The color of me having lost my way
However, that was when you came to me
I received a kiss on the lips and was told that I wasn't alone

There was this color called white
The color of sincerity and purity
The color I used to dislike for its simplicity
However, that was a thing of the past
I realized my love for her is indeed pure white

I yawned while reading the tablet on my bed. It was just another lazy Saturday. I had hoped it would be a little different since I was in a different country, but it was too cold for me to go outside. To begin with, I lived all my life in a region where the temperature almost never dropped below 20 degrees Celsius. So the freezing air of European winter was uncomfortable, to put it mildly. To think I used to say that I would like to experience how it was like in the poles… silly me.

Suddenly the device in my hand rang, telling me that I received a new message. It read, “Hey, have you registered yet?” It was Aiko, my colleague. I imagined her sweet voice asking me the question.

After a few seconds, I realized I had no clue what she was asking about. I typed in, “Registered for what?”

“The school in March!” she replied. “We agreed that the whole lab would apply for it.”

“…ah,” I finally recalled what it was about. “Nope, I completely forgot,” I told her honestly. “When’s the deadline?”

“In three days,” she answered. “Good thing I reminded you about this. Hurry up and register.”

To be honest, I was not particularly excited about attending it. Sure, it was going to cover the same field of study, but it was not directly relevant to my research. Getting some money to go would be nice, of course, but I would be losing roughly a week of silent and peaceful lab in which I would get to work alone… hmm. Oh well, whatever. I decided to take all the fun I could from it. At that moment, it meant teasing her. “Will you be going?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I applied, if I’m admitted I’d go…”

“That won’t do,” I typed in. “I want to go only if you’re there.” Although, taking all things into consideration, it would make no difference whatsoever to the both of us.

“What are you talking about?” she replied. I imagined her being flustered. “You’re always like that. Don’t tease me.”

“That’s not easy to do,” I told her. “It’s too tempting.”

“Hush, enough with that. Just go and register already.” Yes, she responded exactly as I expected her to. She would always brush things off when she was embarrassed. That was the usual dynamics of our interaction. One of my smaller pleasures regarding human relationships.

***

Night. I was just finished having dinner. With nothing else to do, I picked up the tablet on my bed. I noticed that she sent me another message. “Hey, what are you doing?” I thought it was a little strange, she never asked me such trivial questions. With a cup of wine in my hand, I replied, “Nothing in particular. Just about to read something and call it a day. What’s up?”

The reply came unexpectedly soon for a message that was sent two hours ago. “I can’t sleep. Keep me company.”

It was morning in the home country. Whatever. “Sure… but how do I do that?”

“We can chat. I want to know more about you.”

Okay, something was definitely strange. After a while I chose to play along… I was a little curious about her after all. And I finally got my chance… I told her a few things. Some events from my childhood, my teenage years… the things that would seem personal to her. I did not understand how did knowing these things matter to anyone but whatever… she asked and she seemed eager to know. I guessed it meant something to her. A few minutes passed and I started to get sick of talking about myself. I asked her to talk.

And talk she did. About all sorts of things. She kept on and on and it surprised me. All I had to do was to ask questions, showing her half-feigned interest. It almost felt like going on a quick tour of her life. I learned about her childhood, the problems she had with her parents, how it made her into a superficially cheerful person on the outside, the things she would do to forget about her sufferings… all the things I never expected to know about. And I found it a pleasant surprise. I was curious to see how far could I take this… and I decided to ask her to explain in detail about a topic that piqued my interest; her past relationships.

Well, another unexpected response. She told me so much about them. She even answered all questions I had, down to the minutest details. About her first boyfriend, some guy older than her. How did the relationship came to be, how did they spend time together, what she loved in him, how it eventually came to an end… and then, she went on about the second one. It was different, yet similar. And honestly I thought both of them were somewhat boring… of course, I did not say it to her. She was not to blame though. I knew that from the standpoint of an observer, all relationships seemed boring. In a way I expected that reaction from me.

A knocking sound was heard. I opened the door and saw my friend, Kouji. He was with me in this trip. I guessed it showed on my face when he asked, “Tarou, did you not sleep? What were you doing?”

“Just chatting with some girl… Aiko from my lab. You know her?”

“I don’t think so…” he said, mulling for a while. “But hey, if you chatted for so long, things must be going good.”

“Nah, just talking about some personal stuff…” I said, somewhat embarrassed.

“Man, you’re smooth. How do you do that? Chicks never open up to me.”

“No idea, I just asked some questions and it took off somehow,” I said, shrugging.

“Why don’t you take it further? Who knows you’d get some action?”

“I’m not too keen about it…” I sighed. “How to do it, anyway?”

“Well, it’s a cliché move, but try asking about her experiences,” Kouji was grinning. “Physical experiences.”

“Hmm…” I mulled. I did not find the idea to be entirely agreeable, but admittedly a part of me wanted to know more. I chose to act as suggested, fully expecting a negative answer. We barely talked before, and when we did, it was all so superficial. I saw no reason for her to tell me these kinds of things.

It turned out I was wrong. She talked about it. A whole lot. I imagined every sentence and it excited me. She answered all my questions. It went on for hours with us sharing our fantasies. It felt somewhat hypocritical of me as I was totally inexperienced, but I was too immersed in the moment to care.

“You must dislike me now,” she suddenly said. “I’m a dirty girl.”

Understandable concern, for in our place, girls being so open about their sexuality was frowned upon. Personally though, I could not care less. It was more convenient if we both know what we wanted. “No, I don’t dislike you,” I told her. “In fact, I like you more now.”

“Really? You mean it?”

“Yup, so much that I wish for you to be mine,” I said. Unaware of the weight it carried.

***

We had something resembling a relationship following that. On the outside, at least. Deep down, I found it to be quite disagreeable. It seemed to me equally superficial to what we had before, but in a different sense. All that happened was our interactions getting increasingly sexual in nature. We had cam sex, we almost stopped talking about anything else. I disliked it. But lust and curiosity got the better of me.

One night, we were counting the days of my return to the country. “I miss you…” she told me. “I want to hug you and do many things…”

I disliked the idea. I was never good at getting physically close with anyone. Kouji was about the only person I could touch without feeling uncomfortable. “Me too. I can’t wait to embrace you,” replied my lust.

For that night, we settled with the usual.

***

I was surprised again the next day. She said that she wanted to stop. That she was not supposed to do all this. She asked me to forget everything and get rid of all the pictures and mails we exchanged. Must be her religious impulses kicking in. I was not religious, so I thought it silly… but it did come off as a relief as well. Because it meant I would be spared from going deeper into this mess.

But the darker side of me thought otherwise. “I disagree, I want you.” Or to be more precise, I wanted to know how it would be like to do you.

We had an argument. In the end, we settled on a deal; she would let me do her, but afterward I would do as she wanted. Damn it. So I had fallen so low to resort to blackmail… honestly, what was I doing?

It was frustrating and exciting at the same time. I had no idea where this would take me… but at the moment, I was too horny to think.

***

As we inched closer to the appointed date, things slowly changed. She was strangely becoming more eager, no longer concerned with the deal. I, despite the excitement, tried as I could to null the deal. I kept proposing absurd things to scare her off, but she kept agreeing to all of them. Even so, I was unable to say it myself that I wanted us to stop. The fact remained that I wanted to do her. Eventually, I simply ignored the screams inside saying that it was not the proper way. I decided to enjoy it as much as I could, letting my baser sides take over. It was probably the only chance I would get to do someone, I told myself.

The arrangement was that we would spend the entire day together. My first time taught me a lot. The sex was great, true, but as we embraced each other, I understood more clearly why I was so aversive of physical contact. Despite the warmth, I felt even more alone than I ever was. I tried to ignore the feeling and focused only on her. But the more I tried, the harder it became.

At the end of the day, I was unable to sleep. I had Aiko, the girl I liked, sleeping soundly in my embrace. But I was not the least bit happy. Far from it, I was utterly depressed. At myself for resorting to underhanded methods to reach this point. At her for accepting it all eagerly, seemingly without regard for what was proper. At Kouji for suggesting me to venture into this. Once again at myself, for still trying to make excuses for my shortcomings.

***

The following day was horrible. The thought kept tormenting me. I felt so low, so base. I was angry at how I did it more as an organism than a person. It was not the kind of self I wanted to be. I knew that I had to settle things as soon as possible.

I called Aiko. I got rid of everything and I told her that I wanted for this to be over. She did not look happy about it and asked me why the sudden change of heart.

“I can’t keep on being like this,” was my answer.

“You know… actually… I liked you…” Aiko said, she looked like she was about to cry. “That’s why… even though you suggested all those crazy things, I was fine with them…”

“Thanks,” I said, giving a smile that I felt was genuine. I’m really sorry about what happened… but I finally understood that I’m not cut for human relationships. I like my solitude more.”