otakumax Posts

Not too bad a chapter, some down time, some battling and action, some traumatic events, some insanity. It seems like it had it all, in addition to progressing the story. Hopefully the pair are on their way to vanquish whatever evil in whichever ways they can.

There were a couple notable errors I'd thought I'd point out to you:







In addition to those oddities, I see that you're consistently ending your quotations with periods and then beginning the next sentences with lowercase letters. That's usually never acceptable. If the end of the quotation marks a new sentence, begin the continuation with a capital, but if the sentence persists after the quotation, end the quotation with a comma and continue with a lowercase. Here's an example where you do it correctly:







But here you do it incorrectly:











If you have any questions, feel free to ask me to elaborate.

What an interesting monologue, it also might as well have been non-fiction if there wasn't this descriptive side-story about the focal character's trip. I sometimes think about submitting something like a non-fiction philosophical monologue about life and living, what it means to love and have true love, the difficulties of growing up and taking responsibility, stuff like that. There's something about that melancholy dwelling that makes for a somber yet satisfying piece, like getting a good rant out.

Hm, a cold tale of a relationship that just isn't working out as they would have liked it to. It made me feel a bit melancholy and sad.

This is a really cute story. There are some powerful emotions expressed between these characters and it's nice to see.

This is a very interesting beginning to this story. It's mostly well-written and the background is alluring enough. It reminded me of the new anime Gate, but well, not in modern times and failing to repel the demonic invasion.

In terms of improvement, I didn't spot many typographical errors to fix with spelling and the like. The way you did an em dash was a little weird but it seems everyone does them differently these days. However, you consistently used "lied" when talking about when someone "lied" down. Thus, I should mention to you that "lied" is not the correct word to be using in that situation as it has no meaning other than not telling the truth. You're looking for the past tense form of "to lie," which is what someone does to rest. I "lie" down before I go to sleep for present tense and I "lay" down a while ago but I simply couldn't sleep, for past. Past participle is "lain," as in I have "lain" on the bed for hours. When it comes to objects, you use a different form, "to lay." This is really confusing because "lay" is used for objects but is simultaneously the past tense of "to lie." To use "to lay" appropriately, here's some examples: I "lay" my pencil down on my desk, for present. Past tense for the term "lay" in that instance is "laid." I "laid" my pencil down on my desk a moment ago. Past participle for "lay" is also "laid," so, my pencil has "laid" on my desk for a while.

Here's a chart to remember this in the future and an article to the Grammar Girl site which can explain it again perhaps more simply:



Anyway, the story itself is already obviously rich with back-story, so I think you have a pretty neat gem here. It should be interesting enough for others to read.

A story with a very intriguing and attractive background. At first I believed the women to be nymphs or dryads or some sort, perhaps even djinn. However, they could be outright aliens, and honestly, it's even possible for them to be akin to the Irish, but with dark skin and worship the stars. People have been witch hunted for less. I'm sure you have your intentions, but thought I'd simply let you know my suspicions. I'd like to think they were just dark-skinned Irish heretics because then it makes their deaths seem based entirely on worthless racism, and that idea is so stupid and yet so true to human history.

I couldn't help but notice that my submission has been skipped over on the accepted list. Is there something I need to change to meet criteria within the next few days or is it just an error?

Sigh, I saw this coming. It would have been nice to have been so simple, and yet this is a story about drama at its finest, isn't it? Mayhaps we'll see some interesting developments and these two arch nemeses will become begrudging allies? Or perhaps their sinister plot will be revealed. Who knows? Time will tell.

Not too bad a chapter, the first official admission to the Sorrowsworn plot from Jessi. I only feel bad that she's basically lying to them about being an actual Sorrowsworn, of course. That will lead up to some interesting drama in later chapters.

This slice of Miami vice sure is interesting. Makes me wonder what the rest of the story would be like.

I think this is pretty incredible, honestly speaking, though I did have to paste it into Word to make it better on the eyes.

Forget the fact that it isn't professional, you wrote this when you were 14-15. I don't know how old you are now, but that's a decade ago for me. I have an intensive collection of my personal records including stories I've written when I was about how old you were when you wrote this. Certainly, they were more simplistic, but they also had contained within them a life I fear I lost growing up. I mean, take a look at yours, there is a lot of life in these characters and situations, a lot of action, so much epicness is going on and that says something about you, who you were when you wrote this, what you were interested in and what you wanted to write about.

People often get timid and embarrassed when they look at older material they worked on, but I think those feelings are folly. We grow up and change all the time, and even if embarrassment is an encouragement to keep changing, there is still value in what helped make us who we are today.

So yeah, I feel that all things considered, this is a pretty awesome story and work for the you who wrote it then, and even is pretty decent now. I mean, it could be littered with errors and typos, but at least you had the courtesy to spell-check.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Growing up is simply a part of Adolescence.

Perfection—if there had been a word to describe the scene, that one would have been what the boy chose. A solar light purified the area, enshrouding the coast in its warmth. Blue waves repetitiously bathed the shore, cleansing the beach. The sounds of water rushing against rocks came and went. Light mist from a wave sprayed Kenji’s face, calling him back to reality from his nostalgic euphoria. He stood on a rock at the edge of the beach, just as he had in years past.

“Hey, Kenji. Why do you always come to this spot?” A girl called to Kenji from behind, eventually growing bored from his passive stupor. He turned his head to see her, leaning against the cliffside and arms crossed. The white handle of the lollipop in her mouth rose and dipped as she manipulated the candy with her tongue. The boy barely gave it much thought before responding.

“Simple, Airi. Because this is the best spot on the beach, that’s why,” he said so matter-of-factly it almost sounded pompous. Airi rolled her eyes before something else caught her attention. A wave disturbed something in the sand and caused it to stir, collapsing the sand as it unearthed itself. A large crab skittered out and sidestepped its way in front of Airi, passing her surprisingly quickly. She crunched the lollipop on reflex and the tip flicked up as her attention was piqued. The rest of the lollipop dropped out of her mouth as she saw the crab travel into a cliffside cave.

“Kenji! A huge crab just went into the cave. Wanna see?” Airi took off after it almost immediately.

“Absolutely!” Kenji exclaimed as he hopped off the rock and followed his equally excited friend. Airi followed it as it crawled into a dark corner of the cave behind some big stones. The light from the entrance wasn’t enough to reveal just where it had hidden, though she tried to squint her eyes and find it. “Where did it go?”

“I think it squeezed into a hole in the wall. It’s gone.” Airi sounded disappointed and Kenji did too but he began to hear mysterious sounds getting close. She kept looking but to no avail. “I don’t—,” her sentence abruptly ended as a hand covered her mouth forcefully, initially scaring her. She tilted her head to see Kenji holding a finger up to his lips, looking from her to something behind the large stone they were behind. She slowly pulled his hand down and moved to see what he could.

Two people had entered the cave, a boy and a girl. Kenji and Airi’s eyes dilated after looking at the entrance; the light only provided the boy and girl’s silhouettes. “Are you sure no one’s gonna come?” The girl spoke in a mousy tone.

“Trust me, no one but you and me,” the boy cleverly responded confidently as he raised one of her legs and pinned her against the rocky wall near the entrance. He fidgeted at his waistband and moved the girl’s swimsuit bottoms aside, then pressed himself into her. She gasped as her arms wrapped around his neck and shoulders. The boy thrust his hips and grunted as she moaned; the lewd sounds of their act filled the cave.

Kenji could feel the sweat drip down his forehead and temple as Airi’s face blushed an intense shade. Neither had ever witnessed or experienced something like this, aside from the small things mentioned in health class. Fortunately the corner they were trapped in was dark enough to hide them but unfortunately at the same time the shameless pair was blocking the only exit. Kenji and Airi felt as if they had little choice but to remain silent.

The boy continued his sexual attack on the girl, yanking the bikini top stings loose and revealing her moderately developed breasts. He cupped one and orally assaulted the other, causing the girl to let out all sorts of meek and squeaky sounds. Airi grasped her own breasts on reflex, unable to keep looking and leaned back against the cavern wall. Kenji swallowed the spit that had gathered in his throat and felt tension against his swimming trunks. The situation made him hot and awkwardly uneasy, yet he could feel the stimulus of witnessing such a sight. He turned his head to see what had become of Airi. She looked like she was suffering from a fever, her legs locked together and a hand pressed at the center of her throbbing chest.

Kenji moved closer to Airi genuinely out of concern for her, his lips mouthing a request if she was alright. She grabbed the hand he outstretched and gripped it tightly, pulling him closer so that his face was inches from hers and kissed him. She felt years of the schoolgirl love she hid and bottled up overflow and pour forth. It happened so fast, Kenji couldn’t properly process what was happening but inevitably fell into the intoxication of the moment. His body sunk into hers as the kiss deepened, wet from gathered saliva and their lips burning as if on fire. He tasted artificial cherry—the flavor of the lollipop she had earlier.

If Kenji had been honest, he would have admitted to hiding a crush he had on Airi, but he was afraid she had only succumbed to the sexual tension of the situation they had found themselves in. Nonetheless, he didn’t say a word and instead buried himself in this point in time. She moved his hand to her chest, allowing him to grasp with her encouragement. They finally separated their lips in desperation for air, feeling what they imagined it must have been like to be drunk or on some mind-altering drug. However, as the affects began to waver, the two realized that the only sounds in the cave were them panting in addition to the waves outside. They took a moment to listen and then looked passed the boulder only to find the couple from before missing.

After gathering themselves as the awkwardness between them slowly dissipated, they agreed to return to the main beach where their class would be. They arrived just in time for a snack before everyone was to board buses back to town. As they were traveling back with the class, two friends of theirs caught up with them. “Hey, Airi! Did you have a good time? Souta taught me how to swim a bit.”

“Yeah, plus Yui and I found this neat cave separate from the main beach. It was a great spot for—” Souta was cut off as Yui covered his mouth with her hands.

“Exploring!” Yui said loudly over whatever Souta could mumble between her fingers. Airi and Kenji stared at the two in utter disbelief. They had made the official realization that this boy and girl’s voices seemed oddly fresh in their minds. Yui and Souta gave them innocent smiles, mistaking their looks of incredulity for simple suspiciousness. Airi and Kenji looked towards each other and had a subtle and quick agreement.

“That sounds great, hope you two had fun. We just sort of hung around the spots I remembered from years ago,” Kenji said scratching his head in as little a discomfited manner as he could manage.

“Yeah, though we got to see a big crab! Or at least I did before it got away from us.” The anxiety between the four of them became a bit more tolerable as they entered the bus together. Naturally, Souta and Yui sat together as they were open as a couple. Kenji and Airi sat together as well, but they had been simple friends for years, despite the questioning of their friends.

As the bus started up and filled with the chatter of a normal high school class, Kenji and Airi were unsurprisingly quiet. Kenji leaned his head against the window and sighed. “I really can’t wait to come back again next year. I really like this place.” Just then, he felt a hand press sheepishly onto his. His head naturally darted towards Airi next to him, though she couldn’t look him in the eyes. Her cheeks turned beet red as she spoke softly.

“You know, we don’t have to wait until next year to…you know. If it’s with you then…I would like it.” Kenji’s mouth parted in awe at first, but a warm look of adoration crept its way onto his face.

“Then it’s a promise,” Kenji responded equally as quiet as Airi, then held her hand back, intertwining their fingers. Airi’s eyes shifted embarrassingly towards Kenji as he rested his head against the window and exhaled calmly. The corners of her lips tilted upwards as she beamed. The rest of the trip between them was quiet, yet serene—that was the word the girl would have chosen.

---

A/N: 1,475 words including the title.

Decided to write a more erotic entry this time around. Took me about half a month to passively conceptualize, but the real progress came in just writing it all out over an evening, set it aside for a day or so to re-read a couple times and make some adjustments.

Best of luck to all other contestants.

Well, I guess you can't kill a statue, sort of. There's that. Arguable whether that's preferable to an eternity of mental anguish and torture after losing a love interest.

I'll post more thoroughly on my thoughts about it after the contest, of course. Just wanted to send you a little note for now.

Also, I thought this might seem amusing you, I'm not sure if you noticed this, but you really seem to specialize in symbology within your writing. Looking at your past four submissions, they all are about something that is revealed to be something else not quite human, despite having the mentality and emotions of one. I find this fascinating.

You know your writing has such a unique and identifiable method when you end up using "Leonard" as an adjective to describe it.

At least they ended up being a statue this time and not, you know, CatDog.

Poorly began and containing errors, it starts off on the wrong foot.



It's not planning to make anyone do anything. The sentence comes off as opinionated and negative. If she wanted to make this sentence more factual, she may have considered writing something along the lines of "After eight years of freely offering many forms of aggregated hentai, a pornographic subgenre of Japanese anime—Fakku.net is planning to offer licensed and copyrighted material for a price." Also, there's an overlooked typo.



Removing all unlicensed what? We know but anyone who doesn't know the site or what's happening doesn't. I'll attribute this to hasty writing and yet another overlooked typo. Simply add the word "material" after "unlicensed."



She had to write "or so" to cover her ground because no number has yet been announced, as far as I'm aware, for how much the monthly subscription will yet cost. As such, it's purely conjecture and has no place in a factual news piece.

The rest of the article seems fine and factual enough from a neutral journalistic perspective. Sad that it begins in such a way.

You're not the author, are you gizgal?

Always nice to see poems show up. The presence of prose does tend to overshadow the more poetically rare entries.

Well, that's a yandere if I ever saw one. Good on you for the entry, Chronus.

My pleasure, and it may very well be that everyone is different, but I suppose take it personally and try to imagine yourself in the situation. You have a pretty steady relationship with your girlfriend, and thank goodness for that, but I'm sure you must have squabbled about something in the past. Perhaps it was small or dumb, in either case, if you fought with your significant other and had a fight that upset you both, how long would it take you two to work through and rediscover your love for each other?