zeroniv_legend Posts

Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Thank you for the speedy and quality editing! As an amateur, I highly appreciate your feedback, as such I will take your suggestions into consideration when editing. I will definitely use your edits to making my work better. Thank you for the help.


You're quite welcome, although you do not appear to be an amateur in the slightest, though your modesty is commendable.

Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Another one is my sentence composition, sometimes I feel that they become running sentences while I pour in the ideas. I aim to improve soon to provide better reading experience to readers.


The only sentence I truly felt could have been a run-on would have been this one in chapter one:

Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Among the Faerie-folk are dwarves (who are the best blacksmiths around), fairies (not to be confused with Faerie-folk), elves (trusty pointed-eared spell casters who you do not want to get on the wrong side of), and the giants (who merely act as the gatekeepers to the entrances of the continent, watchers to everything else but never attacks, given their immense strength and sturdiness, serve as recorders for the land itself) to name a few.


However, it is grammatically correct, albeit complex. I've taken the liberty of coloring each parts of the sentence that are spoken separately because of the breaks whether it be a comma or parenthesis. As such, it becomes more clear just how long-winded the sentence is, so much so that I had to find more codes for colors than the forum provides. I do not mind that it is long so much myself, but I know it will be a headache for others, and the meaning of the red part, as I said in my edits, is confusing in its meaning and thus slows down and interferes with the comprehension of the sentence as a whole.

This is the only one that stuck out for me, but others might notice more.

Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Chapter Three might be out by tomorrow along with the edits, I hope it would pique your and other's interest because some action starts with the coming of Chapter Three.


I look forward to whatever you will provide in the future.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Hello and welcome to Writing & Fanfiction. Hopefully you'll continue to share with us your work.

As a whole, I find it a nice entrance into a beautiful realm you have created. I expect any fans of Tolkien fantasy would enjoy it. You have created quite a unique element within the small details of the world, from the properties of an animal's hazards to the trends and personalities of particular races. If there is more, I think it will likely be just as enjoyable.

Alas, I do feel this is a kind of creative fiction that even leonard could enjoy with the account of history the introduction contains.

I'll include in this post edits I think would be more appropriate for your work, but feel free to take it as you like. I wish you the best of luck on its continuation.

Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Spoiler:

Once upon a time, a continent unknown to most mortals in the world, save for a few, flourished in the center of the wide expanse of the planet. The continent, known as Lagria teems with a very wide and assorted array of flora and fauna.

Vast plains full of trees and various shrubberies that(I would remove this because including it makes the sentence a fragment without an object) give sweet fruits to those who desire it. Lakes, rivers, and bodies of water surround and dot the whole area, enabling aquatic resources to just be in just a short reach for everyone that fancies bony fish. Mountains and hills create natural walls that split lands and serve as barriers to some perils of the uncharted areas. The sky is an alleviating shade of blue in the morning and a dreamy twinkle in the night.

A shortage of resources was then unheard of, for everyone and everything followed the all-encompassing golden rule of the land: to cultivate and enrich whatever resources the present currently possesses, and to provide adequate sustenance to the next generation. For decades and perhaps centuries (because all history in this land areis mostly told and not writ), this endless repetition performed itself time and again.


Chapter One

Spoiler:

Most of the population which consist in the continent are diverse, confusing, and interchangeable with the mortals living in it. And the term Faerie-folk was established by the humans to identify them from those who are not. Among the Faerie-folk are dwarves (who are the best blacksmiths around), fairies (not to be confused with Faerie-folk), elves (trusty pointed-eared spell casters who you do not want to get on the wrong side of), and the giants (who merely act as the gatekeepers to the entrances of the continent, watchers to everything else but never attacks (who never attacks? They never attack or others never attack them?), given their immense strength and sturdiness, serve as recorders for the land itself) to name a few. These peaceful creatures of Faerie Folk are known as the Fair Ones. And their opposites are the Ilken Faerie folk or just Ilken, who, as suggested are darker, more sinister, and destructive than the Fair Ones. They consist of Vampires, Werewolves, Shapeshifters, Banelings, and the Dark Ones; all of the listed are the only ones noted by the mortals inhabiting the continent. The humans resided in the upper most part of Lagria, known as Ygrin, wherein they have access to terrestial and aquatic resources. Long ago, the land owned by mortals iwas only a small part of the continent, but due to the conquests and fervor-filled attempts of King Sharda, the Powerbringer, Sseventy-second Lord on the Obsidian Castle, the humans slowly but surely gained influence among the lands surrounding their original abode, and soon, the territorial right to them. With his death, and crowning of the seventy-third King, the breadth of the human-controlled lands multiplied fifty-fold, and the Age of Flourishing came to Ygrin.

(Here you begin to switch to present-tense. That is fine since you are giving an account of how their lifestyle is presently, but the previous paragraph deals with history, so past-tense is more appropriate previous to this point. However, being consistent is important according to context, so keep aware of your tense use.)

Many years had passed since the Age of Flourishing of the powerful Ygrin,. pPeace is, by default, experienced by every mortal and non-mortal inside it. Many Faerie-folk who trust, and have gained the trust of humans, decided to live inside in sturdy and unbreakable walls of Ygrin. Within, dwarves found themselves to be useful to soldiers and people who are engaging in hard labor or utility, they made friends mostly with the male population. They created durable armor for knights, who sought out the dangers and perils outside the wall,. Dwarves rarely make swords, spears, and other fighting weaponry, for the potential of dwarven weapons is very powerful, but very tricky to use. Only those who have proven their worth and strength are capable and allowed to use the dDwarven-forged weapons. Dwarves prefer to work and seclude themselves withfrom the outside world when they are working in their smithing chambers, however they are very jolly fellows when encountered in the public, such as the local taverns,. pPeople who come to drink away their own worries and problems in the taverns, find themselves new and slightly shorter friends that will listen, cajole, and sing with them. The Elves, on the other hand, are on better terms with the womenfemale (or 'woman') population for the reason that they invented many different kinds of cooking implements and different household mechanization that eased the workload of wives who found grime that is too stubborn to remove, or dust too tricky to dust off. But their selling point with wives and young women are their wide, assorted, and very specific range of beauty products. Potions in bottles that are said to remove wrinkles, bathing pebbles that are dropped into tubs and dissolved until the steamy water becomes pinkish, it is said tohese restore the skin's tautness and smoothness. Hair dyes that enables people to change not only their previously hated hair color, but also their hair composition. The fairies are the playmates of children from their babehood and in rare cases, to their adulthood. Since fairies are childish in nature, despite their intelligence and wisdom, most of them prefer to have the company of children who have not a single ounce of worry of the world and wonder about what food mother will cook tonight, or when will(redundant, already said 'will' later in the sentence in a more appropriate place) the apples on the orchard will grow ripe. The fairies are mostly found in the playgrounds or nurseries as they have proved to be the most knowledgeable and proficient in child care, it is not unusual to see a household with young offspring to have fairies that reside in the child's bedroom. The older fairies, however, prefer the company of the elderly, where they seem to share the ideas, principles, and tales of old.


The governing system of Ygrin is both a lenient and a strict one, the King rules over the whole land with his elderly advisers (a mixed group of individuals of each race) who provides advice on trifling matters that of which the King cannot may not handle on his own. There is also a small group inside the government which deals with matters of humans and non-humans; in short, this is a group of individuals who each represent his/her own race,. wWhenever each race, elven, human, dwarven, or fairen has a plight, the Conclave hears them out and filters the unnecessary to from the ones of utmost importance. After the process of sifting is over, the chosen plights are then submitted to the office of the King where the King would make a decision to hear it out and act upon it,. iIf it proves to be difficult to manage, the King asks the Advisors for help. (Extra space)With this system, the favorability of each race is meted out and is equal to everyone else.


(One should avoid beginning a paragraph with 'however,' thus I suggest a shift down the sentence.)However, tTrouble brews for the days to come, however; blight is felt by not only the magically inclined elves, the wise fairies, or the crafty dwarves, but also the persevering and cunning humans. Dusk carries certain eerie darkness to it, and dawn does not appear to be as pleasurable to witness as before. Everyone lives accordingly, but like the victim of murder who sees nothing but the glint of the cold and unfeeling knife that inches slowly to his throat, the people of Ygrin becomes more restless and anxious as each day passes.



Chapter Two

Spoiler:

Lord Rendall of Castle Ygrin is dire with uneasiness; he expects his life to expire in the next week, if he were lucky. But driven by his strong sense of duty, he cannot leave his beloved Ygrin and citizens behind while he transcends into the other unseen plane of existence.

It all started while he was out on his own private hunting trip, he encountered a mighty Twisttusk, a boar so rare that only old legends from the elders awere the sole accounts of it. As he met with it in a small clearing, he ignored the cries of caution, and broke the ranks of his own hunting group and chased the beast into the uncharted Mystical Woods of Moonlight. When he was finally able to corner the beast in a small cave, the Twisttusk sensing imminent danger, faced the surprised Lord and charged towards the exit, with Lord Rendall in its midst. The King barely dodged the beast's assault and was grazed in the process.

The Lord layid at the left side of the entrance, cursinged his stupidity and his youth that iwas starting to leave him; fortunately, he was able to track the exit of the enchanted forest and rendezvous with his party. Seeing the Lord needed medical aid, the hunting party immediately covered his injury and carried the middle-aged Lord back to the Obsidian Keep.

Now there are Twisttusk only have a few documentations about itthe Twisttusk. nNot only is it a creature rarely seen, but also due to the fact that the injuries it inflicts are lethal, which leaves survivors a last merciful taste of life, before it devourings them. The injuries a Twisttusk inflicts are very tricky to treat,. iInstead of covering the wound up, the victim must let the fresh wound be exposed to open air and let the wound become stagnate and filthy, as the only substance that removes the rare enchantment which covers the horns of a Twisttusk is the saliva of bloatflies and its maggots. If covered up, like a sensible healer would do, the substance will react to the darkness and slowly turns the flesh into stone, until the victim is a decoration no more than a marble statue. Lord Rendall decided not to consult the elders as he dismissed the wound as a mere graze.

Some time had passed until he noticed that his body startsed to grow sluggish and hard to move, his appetite is similar to that of a cat whose maesters feed it grass. But it was too late, the Lord knows by now that his existence as a person is going to halt, and he did the best he canould to solve the problems of his domain. But his biggest problem is not that of the farmers who had strife with each other’s cultivating grounds, nor the problems of the hicspotch which afflicts everyone with an uncontrollable series of hiccups. No, his problem lies to the successor of the throne, but, as luck would have it, he only was able to raise two daughters in his household, both of which is very much unique and sometimes, a pain in the hind. He decides to take his remaining luck into a gamble, the result of which he will no longer witness.

Three days passed by uneventfully, with the maids dust-a-dusting away in the halls, and the gardeners clip-a-clipping away in the gardens, and the horses clop-a-clopping away in the stables when a soultwisting scream was heard in the maesters quarters. That morning, a maid knocked to the door of Lord Rendall to provide his daily bath and breakfast, the Lord, always punctual, did not reply as curtly as he does. When the maid could not wait anymore, she shamefully opened the door and found a magnificent marble statue in place of the ailing King’s bed, and screamed until her voice rattled the horses so badly that it gave the servant more equine waste to clean that day.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Well, A, tell her to join us so we can both understand our bearings. Plus, I don't like the feeling of that ripple.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
crazr wrote...
Here's another more well-known dirty one:

There once was a man from Nantucket
His dick was so long you could suck it
He said with a grin
While wiping his chin
If my ear was cunt I would fuck it


I grew up knowing the less dirty, albeit scandalous version:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Though, making your own is quite fun indeed. I wrote several limericks in honor of users during last year's winter contest.

Here I shall write one completely on the spot about my day:

Today I have been awfully sick,
Like someone walked up and gave me a kick.
It is quite unsightly,
blowing tissues frightfully,
I hope this passes real quick.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
YQII wrote...
Lo, I'm the translator for FAKKU Books.

I've done the script for all of our announced books, and I'm currently working on the 8th one. After the translation, I'm involved in the entire process—from proofreading to editing—assuring the quality of the book, up until the point where we send it off to the printers.

Right now I'm finishing up a post regarding honorifics, in which I'll explain and motivate our stance on them for our future book releases. That topic will hopefully be ready and posted by tomorrow.

If you have any other questions suitable for me to answer, ask them here. I'll probably fill in this post with more information (depending on the questions I receive), or make a separate thread in case it's a big topic.


Thank you very much for producing this AMA, you have been on the scene for a long time and I remember seeing you release works years and years ago. So, thank you also for a fine history in producing quality content.

That said, I have a couple questions:

What is your opinion of literal verses metaphorical translation? Obviously, Japanese language structure differs from that of English, and that undoubtedly comes up when translating. Are you more likely to find a suitable English counter-part or go literal and give a side-note explanation?

Over the number of years you've been working in the translation scene, who are your more favorite artists you enjoy personally, who are your favorites to work on, and which couple of your previous works stick out to you even today as being favorites?

Looking forward to your post on honorifics, a topic sure to pique interest.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Sure, A. We must be willing to take some risks, after all.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
DatYuriThough wrote...
Wasn't for a while but I've seemed to recover. Got to report back for the results of a few scans on Monday. Thanks for worrying.

I'd prefer not to focus on it since it's a point of stress but I get where you're coming from. Need to decide on what to do soon anyway.


I think we've all been there, so you're not alone. Good luck deciding on what to do.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
DatYuriThough wrote...
Sorry for the lack of updating been a pretty shit week.

I've been in Hospital for the better part of the (and by that I mean the entire) week but I'm out now. I've started jotting down ideas for Chapter 5 & 6. Only problem being school is starting in about a week and I either have to prepare for that or get myself a job. So in fact the next instalment might be a "Aim to get in done in a month" kind of deal rather than the next week or so. Thanks for sticking with me~


Oh, jeez. Hope you're doing okay physically.

In either case, don't worry too much about here. If you have stuff you should be focusing on in life, then it should come first.

Much luck to you, and if you do find the time to upload chapters, I'll read it.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Mike wrote...
Spoiler:
Amen brother.

Working for the FAKKU team is definitely a dream come true for me. I'm a huge pervert. Always have been. Always will be. The fact that I have been given the opportunity to work on this team and create English translated hentai for the community I have loved and been a part of for so long is the greatest feeling. I couldn't be happier or more proud that I am a part of this.

I am giving my all to make sure these books are what I want. But what that means is basically I am a huge fan, and as a fan, I am making these books look and feel how I think fans would want them. I want all of you to want our books, but for that to happen I have to want to own our books. I want you, the community, to buy our books not just because they are good artists or because it's the only printed version, but because we created something that you see and say, "Wow, that looks really good!" Or, "Look at the color work in this! I can't believe they did that! These pages look great!" This is what I'm striving for and envision when working on these books.

We have a great team of passionate people working for us. I couldn't be more pleased with the talented and hardworking group of people here at FAKKU Books. This is only the beginning for us and I am excited to bring even more releases to all of you. Having all this positive feedback makes everything worth it. I'm a fan doing this for my fellow fans and having your support is what we love.

Thank you all! And look forward for even more to come from us at FAKKU!

<3 Mike


I think what you guys are doing is simply amazing, nearly revolutionary for the industry.

Who knows what fortunes we'll see come of this in the future? Besides from more released editions we can enjoy legally, think of the industry this can create in our world. We're making the move to becoming legitimate, being taken seriously as a community-base, not having to resort to lurking for this kind of content in the shadows.

I think it's a beautiful thing, and I'm a positive person, so I'm focusing on the good things to come out of this, and I am fascinated and excited.

Thank you for all the hard work of the FAKKU Books team in initiating this at FAKKU, but also thank you to all translators, editors, typesetters, and more who have done this for years to bring us to today.

May there be rewards to reap for us all.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Poetry is nice,
I wish I could be better,
Practice is ahead.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
CoffeePrince wrote...
Hentai Writing:

"I've found your weakspot!"

"Noooooo my virgin pussy! My body is going CRAZY"

"I've poured aphrodisiac ALL OVER YOUR BODY. YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS AN EROGENOUS ZONE!"
(Sidenote: Who the fuck supplies all these guys with that magical aphrodisiac?)

"Oh noooooo! My body pussy is going crazy!"

"Prepare for literally liters of cum (that may or may not dehydrate a normal human being if it were in fact even possible) all over your body!"

...

My head hurts.


I laughed hard at this, I wish I could +rep it more.

Don't forget the obligatory "If you go that hard, you're gonna break me!"

And, "Today may or may not be a safe day!"
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Nice, though the last line seems to have a bit of redundancy. Did you mean to write 'size of the' twice?
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
D, I still say collect our thoughts and think about what to do. We can go with trying to climb a tree again, but I don't think it'll go differently. Look for more solid and mineral vantage points like hills. A main problem is she can't tell us if she has any other ideas, so I want to be a little patient and have her play some charades while we go over what we know.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
The Purple Swan wrote...
Hello dear fakku users,

I'm currently looking for someone who has experience with hentai scenario/story/dialog writing. I've recently got in touch with Mr. Gravy himself and shared an idea for a hentai I'd like to work on (drawing wise) and he was really interested in it. It is a very serious project and if any profit is made from said project, you'll get a percentage of it (which we'll negotiate).

Inbox me ASAP, your help is more than appreciated
You can also contact me on skype: shigeru_swan

Sincerely:

-The Purple Swan


You mean Grady? Jacob Grady? Okay. Well, you came to the right place.

I think most anyone here can help you with writing, but you may need to provide more details as to what exactly you're looking for.

As you may very well know, the diversity for storyline in hentai can be quite large depending on the genre. Are you looking for the more romantic and vanilla kind or darker tales of NTR, cheating, and betrayal?

We have a diverse cast of writers here and I could recommend some regulars but I think I need to know a bit more about what your plans are for such a project.

I think communicating that in this thread is fine for the writers themselves to see, but feel free to PM me if you choose.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
C. It would pay off to get some more understanding of what we're doing. Perhaps D if we are cautious of tree monsters.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
A dark piece of commentary on the act of chasing one's dreams, both for progression and to console loneliness. I have written such things before, and writing does a good job of helping us express our emotion.

I hope that this piece helped you deal with whatever circumstances you are going through currently and you will feel the need to express much more positive emotions through your writing in the future.

Well done.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
C, we must move on despite our circumstances. We cannot be cautious and defend against monsters we cannot defeat. We must use our agility to our advantage or we will never escape.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
A. Well, I had a feeling this would happen. Obviously the knife would be better use against Kevlar armor, but it doesn't matter. We're not here to battle, we're here to find the exit and every attempt to fight them is a loss of time and energy. We need to find a way around this swamp and a way to avoid them. Nonetheless, keeping the knife would be necessary.

D. Offer something else in an attempt to keep the knife.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
Great fourth chapter, Yuri. That was quite romantic, I must admit. Dat confession, though...

I'm loving how it's developing, and the drama is proving to be interesting and entertaining. Funny how Chloe said she wouldn't do anything risqué so soon, but just look how things turned out.

Anyway, I don't know what was up with this chapter, since I know you took an extra long time reviewing it, but I've caught a lot of errors. I'm reporting their locations in the paragraphs in the spoiler here, but I've only posted the paragraphs I found errors in, so it should be fairly easy to navigate:

Spoiler:
Chloe exited through the automatic doors at the entrance of the school as she played with her hair. It was in a ponytail, which was a new sight to Danni, but she soon pulled off the band around the tail and let her hair flow down to its natural length just below her shoulders as she whipped it clean of any tangled(tangles) or knots. The light from the setting sun gave off a dark orange glow that contrasted with her bright golden hair that managed to even outshine the sun. The light beams bounced around and close to her but avoided her directly as if they were afraid to darken or damager(damage) her beautifully white skin. She played with the creases in her uniform and fluffed it out before she turned her attention to Danni and offered the most gentlest of smiles.

“Did Blake tell you to ask that question?” All happiness and kindness had been sucked out of Chloe in the breath(breath? What are you saying here?) few seconds of silence after the asking of the question. Her voice was cold and somewhat irritated with the question.

“Yes” Danni looked down guiltily but glanced above the rim of her glasses to see Chloe had turned back to her with eyes full of tears and a bright smile on her face. Never before had she seen Chloe make anything close to that expression in the short time they had known each-other(the hyphen is unnecessary), it was slightly off putting and gave rise to even more anxiety within her being, clearly something did happen with this Jazmine person. The smile on Chloe’s face seemed to reflect something, of both grief and love, a very odd combination to say the least.

“I love you Chloe…” Danni leaned on Chloe’s shoulder and gently stroked her arm below with her free hand. And it was true, beyond true, Danni couldn’t imagine sharing this tender moment with anyone else. It was still odd and didn’t make a(remove 'a') much sense to her but it was a happy confusion, one she wouldn’t trade for anything.

The building itself was a marble white building with balconies on each and every side of the building with sliding windows that acted as doors which connected the balcony to the insidesimplied.(This sentence makes my head spin) Danni couldn’t see that far in because of the angle she and Chloe was stood at, but she more or less could assume what the interior was like. From the spacing between each balcony and the width of each balcony she could easily tell the rooms themselves were quite large.

“Couldn’t help myself, when you apologise you look so cute Jazmine-!” Chloe began saying but caught herself on the final word of her sentence and bit down on her lip in frustration. Her shoulders shook and she let go of Danni’s hand so she could clench her own tightly to the point where her skin would go pale. “Sorry…it’s just…” Chloe took a short second to breathe in an out in a calming fashion before returning to face Danni, except her eyes looked away guiltily “I was just thinking about her that’s all…no more substance to it than that…just…a lot of memories came back at once…” Chloe dried her eyes and led Danni through the revolving doors of the building. Danni still wasn’t sure of what to make of the situation, Chloe’s own confession of love felt genuine to her but at the same time what Chloe had just said left her wondering more and more what had happened between Melanie and Chloe and if Chloe felt a stronger love or not for Melanie than she did for Danni herself.(Do you mean Jazmine and Chloe?)

Chloe now walked ahead of Danni like they had done previously on their walk, always staying several paces ahead of Danni and keeping them perpetually in the same formation by their linked hands, although at this point it was more like Chloe was dragging Dannie by her wrist. The first room of the building was the lobby, off to the sides of the room was some expensive looking red-velvet sofa’s and armchairs that guests could use to sit around, using the coffee table in the centre of these variously placed furniture to rest their drinks if necessary. At the back of the room was a semi-circular desk that was manned by several men and women whom were well-dressed in smart clothing. They all sat at computers and typed in information whilst helping guests, most likely to find their rooms or provide other useful information, Chloe didn’t stick around long enough for Danni to get a decent amount of time to listen in and discern what was being said. (A second line is needed here, the paragraphs blend together.)
As Danni was lead through the long hallway, she noticed how expensive and exquisite looking the halls and furniture was(were), pillars and professional paintings lined the golden walls with professional paintings lining either wall on her sides. Regardless of this, Chloe took Danni to the side of the semi-circular check-in desk to where an elevator waited with nobody in it. It had a railing surrounding its walls with mirrors on the upper half of the walls.

Chloe pressed a button labelled(labeled) †˜6’ and waited for the elevator to rumble into action before rising upwards to the floor in question. They stood in absolute silence as Chloe kept her gaze fixed solely on the ground below with the bangs of her hair casting a shadow over the upper half of her face as well as covering it as well. Despite this though, Danni could easily tell it was not a happy or proud expression like Chloe would normally wear, even on their walk to this building she had still worn an expression of pride despite the fact she had been shedding some tears. But it no longer remained and now only a look of guilt remained(already said 'remained' just a couple words ago, consider 'was present' or some other way).

After what seemed like minutes of unbearable silence, the elevator dinged and the doors split apart for the two of them to exit. A long hall stretched before them with doors placed along the walls like you would expect from a hotel or apartment complex, except there was only 3-4 doors along a hallway that was easily 30-40 metres in length. At the end of the hall the path divided into two separate halls moving in opposite directions. Chloe grasped Danni and brought her halfway down the hall. before sStopping at a door numbered †˜6-3’, andshe took out a golden key beforethat unlockinged the door and openinged it.(Try to stay in past tense.)

Inside was an exceptionally large apartment. Directly insideThere was a coffee table with several pillows led around it for sitting, or so Danni presumed. Off to the right of that was a small kitchen area with a refrigerator, counters, dishwasher, oven and cabinets overhead(So...a kitchen? I love being specific in details, but I think these things being present are clear when you say "a small kitchen area"). The rest of the room was relatively bear except for a desk in the corner with lots of papers piled messily on it in addition to the same situation with pens and pencils. Finally at the back of the room was two armchairs in front of a television. They didn’t remain in the room for too long for Danni to think too deeply about the connotations of the apartment except for the fact that Chloe must have had some rich parents in order to afford such a nice looking and large apartment.


“No. My Uncle was the one who paid for this apartment” Chloe took a deep breath before looking over her shoulder at Danni “My parents died shortly after I was born. I’ve been on my own ever since because my Uncle works oversees (overseas)"

Danni felt herself gasp a little at the thought, the more she learnt about Chloe the more tragic everything seemed. Firstly someone who was once considered her friend betrayed her, something happened to the first person she loved and now she had been alone all this time without family? How could she walk around with a smile on her face? She seemed more like the figure who should be acting cold and distant like Blake and yet she shouldered all this pain with a smile. It seemed crazy and yet…somewhat admirable. Admirable to be able to keep up such a kind demeanour despite such a terrible history.(Sentence fragment)

Inside was the picture of a girl, she wore a different school uniform to what Danni and Chloe were wearing, that was what she first noticed. What she then noticed was the figure of the girl, she looked somewhat athletic with a nice think(thin) figure with long legs and a small bust. She had long silver hair that reached the end of her back and sparkled in the light of the photo. She looked happy but very pale, beyond the pale any regular human should be. But she was still incredibly beautiful with perfectly proportioned features and a warm amiability that existed even in the form of a photo.

“Danni…this is Jazmine…or what I have left of her anyway…” Chloe said with sadness, but a sadness that she had come to accept rather than one that would debilitate her with depression, clearly she had already moved forwards and Danni was experiencing the aftermath of whatever happened. Chloe sat down on the edge of her bed and beckoned Danni to join her,. oOnce Danni sat down, Chloe reached out for a box of tissues and placed them between them. “Let me explain. From the start. (Another line needed after this.)
For most of my life when I had free time, I would go down to the local park and sit on a bench. All I would do is watch people and observe what they did; having fun, spending time together and everything else. You learn so much from just watching other people, their idiosyncrasies and patterns, how to be social among other things. It was fun for me to observe and learn like this. And then one day someone kicked a ball my way and it hit my arm. I looked over and saw Blake with a timid and shy girl by her side…” Chloe looked over and took Danni’s hand in her own “Quite like yourself” The thought made Chloe chuckle a bit and brought life and happiness back to her face “That was Jazmine. The three of us became very close and the best of friends in our childhood. But I and Jazmine(Jazmine and I) were closer than any of those amongst us, we were very close to each-other and eventually…we fell in love. But like everything else in my life…something had to go wrong…Jazmine had a rare disease where at any time in her life all her internal (organs) could shut down randomly and kill her. Not all at once of course. One day her kidneys began to shut down,. fFortunately, we could give her a new kidney and save her. And only one of us was a match for her…” Chloe took off her cardigan, sweater vest and then began unbuttoning her shirt before pulling it to one side to reveal a long scar bending along the side of her stomach. “But another organ failed during the surgery that made it all for naught: Her brain. They managed to put my kidney back inside me but…this scar…will always remind me that not even I could save Jazmine…even if I gave her a piece of myself” Chloe took a tissue and wiped her eyes clean of tears before giving a few to Danni, who was crying fountains of tears and hiccupping(hiccuping) from her crying.

“Yes. It was very sad. But I think it was the best way she could have gone. Thinking that I was going to sacrifice a whole piece of myself for her and hearing these last words…” Chloe picked up Danni’s head and looked longingly into her eyes “I love you” and then their lips softly connected with their tongues trading blows and saliva. “It hurt me for a long time. But when I saw you for the first time…I had that same feeling of when I first knew I loved Jazmine. My chest tightened and my hands shook. Danni: I love you now. Nobody else matters to me. Just you” She kissed Danni’s head and made her way downwards before sharing a deep and impactful kiss that left Danni gasping for air. Chloe rolled Danni onto her back and straddled her by the waist before placing her hands either side of Danni’s head and brought herself closer.(period) “Can I show you how much I love you?” Chloe asked.

Danni felt trapped, both physically and emotionally. With Chloe being on top of her and having her hands placed either side of her all means of escape were cut off. But she didn’t want to escape, she wanted to be enveloped in Chloe’s love for all eternity. Sweat slowly dripped down her body and her chest heaved up and down whilst her body grew itchier with desire as each second passed. “Yes…I want to know all your love Chloe…” Danni begged and wrapped her arms around Chloe’s head to bring her into another sensual kiss, causing her saliva to leak out the corner of her mouth as their tongues sloshed against each-other, almost like they were competing to see who could kiss better. Despite Danni’s efforts, up to a few days ago she had never kissed anyone whereas Chloe had Jazmine. So she was always on the loosing(losing) end. Danni began to moan from Chloe licking down her neck and kissing it at certain points, leaving her mark behind, she then moved back up to Danni’s head and nibbled on her earlobe and licked the inside of her ear. Heat erupted from within Danni, causing her legs to spasm in reaction. “Chloe!” She moaned as her entire face turned red with embarrassment after the convulsions of her hips had stopped and she had stopped writhing in pleasure.

Chloe immediately understood what this had meant but decided against teasing given how it was Danni’s first time and wasn’t expected to have the longest endurance ever. She led by Danni’s side and cradled Danni’s head in her naked chest “There, there. No need to be frustrated. Happens to everyone” Danni eventually rolled back over and rubbed her cheek against Chloe’s soft bosom. Chloe took the chance to move her hand down and underneath Danni’s skirt and panties before finding the now hard node at the top of her vagina. Danni immediately gasped as (she) pressed her face hard into Chloe’s chest from the electric surge being sent up her body in response to Chloe’s light teasing of her clit before moving her way lower to slowly stroke the folds and lips below, sometimes spreading them the(to) tease the pink innards of Danni’s vagina.(This sentence goes on way too long, needs revision.)

“D-Don’t tease me…” Danni said and looked down in embarrassment. Chloe nodded as she moved both hands under Danni’s skirt and removed Danni’s(her) silk-white panties and tossed them over the bed before straddling her waist again. Danni unzipped the side of Chloe’s skirt and watched in(it) fall to one side as she eyed Chloe’s black cotton panties,(period). sShe brushed the back of her fingers against them and took in the softness wondering all the while what Chloe’s skin felt like down there?(The question mark is unnecessary. There is no question being asked. It is a statement of wonder.) Chloe manoeuvred(maneuvered) herself lower until her head was level with Danni’s pelvic region. She unzipped Danni’s skirt and threw it away as Danni took off her sweater-vest and unbuttoned her shirt to relieve herself of the intense heat her body was now giving off. Chloe eyed Danni’s vagina that was now glistening with moistness. Her lubrication ran all along the inner segment of her thighs and had begun to drip onto the bed itself. An oddly sweat scent was coming off from the region and Chloe stuck her mouth onto the region(region was just used a couple words ago, I would find an alternative.) and began licking the folds of her vagina while slowly caressing her clit. Danni writhed and held onto the blanket of Chloe’s bed as each lick from Chloe’s tongue sent off a small explosion of pleasure all over her body every time(You already said "each lick" so "every time" is redundant.). Eventually she felt the feeling of pleasure and euphoria build up to the point where she couldn’t take it anymore. Her hips tightened, and her eyes began to roll back and her entire body went numb before she was washed over in a feeling of pure joy and happiness.

Danni was left in a state where she was gasping for air, her eyes were glazed over from the euphoria and her hair was frazzled. Chloe crawled over to her as she rested her head next to Danni’s, and entwined their fingers and pressed their palms together as they shared an intimate smile and giggle before a romantic kiss that lasted for ages.

“And I love you even more” Chloe said and closed her own eyes, but not before stealing a glance at the picture by her window, and letting out a bright smile “Thanks Jazz, I won’t forget you or what we shared but…” She looked down to Danni’s sleeping figure in all its perfection “I love her now” Chloe admitted and closed her eyes, and drifteding off to sleep.


Let me know if you want me to explain any of the errors I found, or find some of them confusing.

Overall, wonderful job and good luck on chapter 5.
Xenon FAKKU Writer
11 years ago
The Logophile wrote...
I'm sorry I haven't responded. I investigated your document (because machines are faulty) for passive sentences and encountered a sentence I was unsure about, so I posted a question asking about it. This was what's been delaying my explanation.


No apologies necessary, but thank you for looking into it. I suppose the accuracy of an automatic check means less to me than the answer and explanation. I was merely using it then as an example to point out so we were aware of what I was referencing.
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