I Fucking Hate Mondays

El Chacal · 2012-06-17T23:27:58+00:00

Do you know how much blood comes gushing out if you stab a man in his left eye with a kitchen knife? Allow me to answer that for you; no, you fucking don’t. Chances are you probably never had to stab anyone in your life. But I’m betting you felt the urge more than once. Truth is, there are a lot people out there that should be stabbed on principle. So here’s a little piece of advice: if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to indulge someone’s dire need for a good stabbing, make sure you don’t aim for their fucking eyes. They bleed like a motherfucker. Seriously, if I had known about the ridiculous amount of blood that jets out when you plunge six inches of stainless steel into a human being’s eye socket, I sure as shit wouldn’t have stabbed my roommate. I mean, I’d still have stabbed him, but not in the fucking eye. The motherless, lily-dicked cabbage lover bled like a disposable extra on a low budget horror flick. He bled on the couch, he bled on the carpet, he bled on my face, he bled on my shirt; even the fucking cat had that condescending fuckwad’s blood on its fur. I had to scrub Sir Coconut for two fucking hours to wash all the gore away. The worst part of it though, was that he didn’t even have the common courtesy of dying on the spot. What kind of inconsiderate shit sack does that? And how the hell is that even possible? He had a Kyocera bread knife literally planted in his brain and he still managed to dart out of the living room like a Jack Russell fucking Terrier chasing after a tennis ball. He was screaming like a bitch too; you know those really high pitch shrieks that a grown-ass man let’s out when he’s scared out of his wits and he doesn’t care if he sounds like a Hollywood scream queen? Yeah, it was much worse, since he wasn’t a grown-ass man and he had a naturally high pitched voice. As a matter of fact, that was one of the reasons why I stabbed him. It was annoying as fuck. Thankfully, he didn’t get too far. Well no shit, he had a knife crammed in his fucking eye; you don’t see many Olympic runners winning marathons with that kind of gimmick. On a side note, he did almost make it to the main bathroom. It was a stupid fucking place to run to, but still a remotely impressive feat. What he was expecting to find there, I will never know. Vain little prick that he was, he probably wanted to check himself out in the mirror for one last time. Maybe try turning the whole “knife in the eye” thing into a fashion statement. Fucking hipster. But what pissed me off the most wasn’t the fact that I had to clean the mess he’d made. I was prepared for that shit. I had twelve gallons of Lagasse industrial detergent and a big fucking cleaning brush just waiting for some action; I was ready to wipe out every trace of his sexually transmissible existence. It didn’t even bother me that I had to cut his slowly rotting corpse into small, square pieces and drive all the way to the radioactive Tejo River in the middle of the fucking night in order to dump them. What really made me rage like a basement dweller with a suspended World of Wacraft account was beyond that petty crap. I’m talking about some serious shit. Can you believe that that scarf-wearing, vagina intolerant, hoity-toity scumbag used the last roll of toilet paper, just moments before I arrived home to stab him? He couldn’t have waited a couple of minutes, NOOOOOO, he had to clean his pretty white ass before I arrived. And I only found out about that later, when I took a break from scouring the floorboards to make some supersonic sewer sauce. Un-fucking-believable. Even in death, Miguel still found a way to make me lose my shit. One needs to be a world class thundercunt to pull that off. And tomorrow’s a work day. God, I fucking hate Mondays.

Pages 12

mantisprime1250

13 years ago

animefreak_usa wrote...

Spoiler:

Edit: the other is more awesome but i ain't posting here man.

why is she cutting it?!
how are we supposed to play with it later?! DX

cbb4ebd6db776143e2b2be0a4

13 years ago

Kona-chan wrote...

Cormac wrote...

SeventySevenMillion wrote...

I seperated my left leg (below the knee) interly at the age of five, and was still conscience for seven hours after. Yes, I do know how much blood that is, and yes, I know what something like that feels like.

Whoa, what the fuck does that even mean? Like, your leg was off your body, severed, etc? Holy shit.

It's most likely a lie because a 5 year old would easily bleed out way before 7 hours...

I was in the hospital before that, I doubt theres anyone who can stay alive for that long.

Drifter995 Neko//Night

13 years ago

Gambler wrote...

Kona-chan wrote...

You're my hero...

Drifter995 wrote...

I... I think I may love you for this post. Have my cubs.

The same boring Mod Note message from myself gets a little boring, doesn't it?

I just happen to be in a different kind of mood today. :D

@Drifter995: You already have a girlfriend! Lol!

I'm sure she wouldn't mind if I had some cubs along the way ;D

artcellrox The Grey Knight :y

13 years ago

Gambler wrote...

Mod Note: Let me try a different approach this time round.

1) If the above story is made up, the topic will be moved to the Incoherent Babbling section.

2) If the above story is true, I am calling the newspaper and then the police. Why the former? So that I can get some pocket money for giving them leads to a story.

I went with option 1. :D

Sorry for the inconvenience caused.

... why is your mod note not bold?! o_O

opanihuya

13 years ago

Aww man, why you do this. Do you really want to see her nippleless? That's not love at all...

mantisprime1250

13 years ago

opanihuya wrote...

Aww man, why you do this. Do you really want to see her nippleless? That's not love at all...

O_0

opanihuya

13 years ago

what? I thought the man had a shed of sympathy for Urabe. And now he's posting grotesques, saying there's even more to come. It's not enough that her oral fluids look retarded but now the girl's off cutting nipples. Feel the pain man

animefreak_usa Child of Samael

13 years ago

^_^ ^_^ _)(_

Post Reply

Pages 12