FAKKU Writers' Lounge

Livided, you are my first victim in this little mudslinging campaign of mine. Any entry that contains actual references to real people must be exploited and milked. So your entry inspired me to pen the following which is a story that definitely has Xenon in it and has me in it. If high_time minds how he is portrayed in this parody, raucous laughter would erupt from my vocal chords:

This story is not unlike the great Nordic sagas where great deeds are done, evil is banished and good triumphs at the very end. Ignoring the fact that the ending of this story is spoiled already, this story would guarantee to attract eyeballs and garner the interest of many a reader because I said so.

It takes place at a place that transcends space and at a time that transcends time. The actors in this great theatre of space and time transcend both space and time.

Dear readers, the hero of this story was noble for he was a noble gas.
His name is Xenon and one hundred and thirty one was his molecular mass.
He is noble for he is not flammable, immune to leonard267's flaming.
He is noble for he is not reactive, resistant to chemical bonding.
Now the author of this poem is fed up with rhymes.
So he is going to write in normal prose and stuff your orifices with limes.

If one were to look past the appalling threats made in the last two lines of that poem, one would indeed marvel at Xenon's qualities. He is not reactive, not flammable, utterly expensive and rare thus useless if you were to ask your chemist. Yet, there is a cloud in every silver lining. All of these qualities are psychopath bait. Already after the reader reads this line, trouble is looming in the horizon for that noblest of gases.

The evil leonard267, having learnt chemistry in high school wanted to make Xenon the very opposite of what he is: Inflammatory, reactive, rather obnoxious but still utterly expensive thus useless.

Who was he and what were his origins? Accounts differ wildly.

Some say that he is the 267th incarnation of some demon called Leonard. This demon plagues this earth by whining and moaning. Upon discovering that no one wanted to listen to him, he decided to put his whining and moaning into writing. He forced people to read his entries, threatening the pain of utter online harassment should they refuse. What a terrible demon!

Some say that he belongs to the Order of Leonards which was 267 strong. They, sharing the namesake of that demon, specialise in whining, moaning, harassment and lowering the quality of literature in this very plane of existence. The 267th Leonard, was aptly named leonard267 went mad one day and forced 265 Leonards to give up their names. The 266th Leonard decided to adopt a surname instead and was now known to the world as Leonard Nimoy, a mediocre B-movie actor.

Some say that his name is generated by a Neopets username generator. As to why he chose to use that username of a game that boasts 50 million accounts all which generated by one person as his persona is way beyond the realm of comprehension.

His plan to subvert the very nature of Xenon must be very diabolical indeed if one has to spend 3 paragraphs to describe him in contrast to a William McGonagall-esque poem and a redundant paragraph for Xenon's introduction. And diabolical indeed it was because he had to rope in another villain, equalling leonard267's capacity for evil and mischief, to see that the evil deed was done.

That villain goes by many names but the most used name of all was high_time which is obviously an abbreviation of the phrase, "high all of the time". Now, it is hard to say whether he is a frequent abuser of mind altering chemicals or whether his grasp on his mental faculties was as weak as that of leonard267. What was surer though, is his ability to blight the world with great evil by describing in graphic detail hermaphrodites and their out of place genitals and their bone-chilling romps.

Their ploy against Xenon was as such. They intend to throw Xenon into a special freezer that lowers the temperature of its contents to dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice. In that freezer, they would have to put in tremendous pressure on him and that meant forcing him to listen to their awful readings of poorly written writing contest entries whilst judging them.

What was to be gained through all that fuss? The answer lies in making Xenon a volatile liquid. As every layman knows, a volatile person is a reactive and mercurial one. This is much more fun than Xenon, the noble gas, noble but inert.

They hired some mercenaries to ambush Xenon in some tavern but they all succumbed to Xenon's powerful powers that involves flames and claws and spheres of light and other physically impossible and implausible manifestations that originate from the mind of the creators of children cartoons.

leonard267 and high_time knew that they had to act fast. Punching a very conveniently located switch that was placed the entrance of the tavern that was very conveniently not accidentally pressed by many a patron of that tavern, the tavern transformed into that terrible freezer that subjects its contents to temperatures, dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice.

Xenon, knowing that he is trapped and cornered and somehow aware of the presence of leonard267 and high_time cried,

"Leonard and High,
I know my end in nigh.
I have a request
That I hope you acquiesce.
I have nothing but love and friendship for you
Why attempt to turn me into goo?"

leonard267 replied in the vein of the great Edmund Hilary who said that he climbed Mount Everest because it is there and in the vein of many an evil person who committed evil deeds because it can be done,

"Oh! I did that because it was fun!"

As the temperature well and Xenon felt not well, leonard267 and high_time started mounting pressure on Xenon by reading aloud a certain contest entry. The nature of that reading was so terrible and vile, it can't be replicated here, all neat and well. Readers, you will have to deal with links:

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1zN4KoRmWzt
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1V94ijuG2AI

As soon as those terrible sounds reverberated throughout that fell enclosure, the pressure within it immense, poor old Xenon began to condense. It appeared that evil was the victor and all of us felt sicker.

Triumphant and exhilarated, high_time and leonard267 embraced each other in joy and entered the freezer to bask in their victory.

high_time roared with glee, "We have made Xenon a volatile liquid. Surely he will be easier to tease!" leonard267 cackled with delight. A reactive, feisty and frivolous Xenon was created, so they thought. He would join their ranks and cover the entire world in darkness and despair, so they thought.

But any competent student of chemistry should know that volatile gases are gases that evaporate easily. It is not going to be reactive or flammable. It would just return to the gaseous state it was before!

What happened in the very end of this story which is filled with awkward lines that rhymed and even more awkward transitions to lines that don't rhyme?

Xenon went back to what he was before, an inert but noblest of gases. While leonard267 and high_time perished in the extreme cold of that enclosure with burst eardrums, having succumbed to their awful readings of that lousy contest entry.

who the heck am I?

/random

When I realised that your entry was about demon slaying and use of foreign and dead languages, I already had an idea of how my parody would begin, develop and end. Here it is:


This tale is set in a world where good things are caused by welcome visitations of angels and bad things are caused by not-so-welcome visitations by demons. Should the reader want a proper description of what angels and demons are and how they look like, let him think of the almost extinct good Samaritan that you will never meet and that bloody bugger responsible for the bad things in their lives that they will almost always meet. Angels are extremely hard to find or locate, while every now and then a demon gets burnt on a stake.

Their powers are incantations, singing, reading, prayer, chanting and other ear-jarring vibrations originating from the larynx. Unlike the real world though, the sounds made by these supernatural creatures were the source of their power. Good things happen when an angel talks. Bad things happen when a demon squawks.

Come to think of it, this world is no different from how our ancestors thought our world functioned. In such a world, expect technology to be backward, mortality rates to be high, superstition to be rife, plenty of incentive for procreation, huge disincentives for innovation, and other things that made living half a millennium ago a living nightmare.

Indeed, this story takes place in that liveliest of towns and a reputable centre of commerce which would be viewed today as a collection of hovels with no electricity, no sanitation and no life. The blacksmiths, the merchants, the paupers, the slave drivers, the slaves, the professional murderers (also known as mercenaries) are all happy and content making an honest living, something that the urbanite of our time and place would find rather horrifying.

However, their peace was to be disturbed and their way of life disrupted. Leonard the demon had his sights on that town. What struck dread into the hearts of these honest and down to earth bumpkins in that town was not Leonard's prowess to level cities and summon storms but his ability to strike fear and madness through his constant whining and moaning, his horrible voice and his ability to destroy and denigrate great works of culture like prose, prose and more prose.

A force of arms was no use, attempting to burn him on a stake was no use for his weapon was his voice and the written word. One glance of the words he had written, one moment of listening to his fell voice would render any living being grovelling on the ground crying with their ears and eyes bleeding crying, "Mercy! Mercy!"

So, it was no surprise that nary a soul was outdoors when the demon Leonard arrived at the townsquare. Doors were locked, windows were closed, medieval and ineffective soundproofing devices like dried droppings and bird saliva lined the buildings. Every attempt to block light into entering the retinas of those townsfolk were made.

However, Leonard the demon had a very loud voice and his ability to threaten and harass the townsfolk with it was unparalleled in that mortal plane of existence. Slowly but surely, the townsfolk came streaming into the townsquare in a trance. That was when the evil Leonard made his move.

He summoned a patch of grass and two familiars, one thin, the other fat, both very ugly. Sinister music begun to play out of thin air. It sounded like some plucked instrument, played very furiously. The music looped and looped and looped without end. Anyone who heard it suddenly realised that they were backward country bumpkins and their hearts sank. To make matters worse, the two familiars begun squawking.

What proceeded was so terrible that only a video recreating that scene could do it justice:



Everyone who heard and saw that disgusting and fell performance begun foaming in the mouth, their grasp on their faculties of reason severely compromised. No one could sit through that entire performance! Such was the power of their fell incantations!

As the music ceased and the chanting stopped, the demon conjured and unfurled a large banner, spanning several feet that contained the following lithographs:

在场观众 敬请听，
小弟感激 很感激！
既然曲子 受欢迎，
不妨再听 好好听！

Though no one knew what it meant, it made an unhappy situation even unhappier for these lithographs filled the hearts of those reading it with confusion and dread. To make matters worse, the demon started to produce vibrations from his vocal chords. A recording of that can be found by clicking this link:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s03Phg0Pt0LO

"The end is nigh! The end is nigh!"

These were the thoughts of those who managed to survive that onslaught of ear-shattering noises. Indeed, it seemed as if social order, the way of life and civilisation itself were thrown into ruin, when a towering figure stood up defiantly, hammer in hand.

Many a time good things meant the end of bad things happening. This was the call and duty of angels, to destroy utterly the evil works of troublemaking demons and dispatching them in whatever way they thought appropriate.

That towering man was no ordinary man and the hammer was no ordinary hammer. For he is an angel and he is armed with the greatest of all hammers known as the 'Banhammer'.

The Banhammer was the perfect embodiment of fear. Not the fear that Leonard struck but the fear of God. As if in challenge to the lithographs, the angel, wielder of the Banhammer, with a wave of a hand produced words that were in mid-air, shining and shimmering.

Do NOT create any threads in any other language other than English
- [Update by Gambler] In addition, please refrain from posting in languages apart from English.

This instruction can be found in the following link:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/feedback-suggestions-and-support/rules-and-faq

All of a sudden and in a flash, the angel swung the Banhammer as hard as he could in the direction of Leonard the demon. After a while, nothing but smoke and ashes remained on the spot where the demon stood. It was that his last words were, "I really regret that, I won't do it again I promise!"

There was utter jubilation! Everyone who was afflicted from the demon's evil recovered on the spot. Parties, revelry and festivals begun, lasting for seven and seven nights. The anniversary of the day where Leonard the demon fell was commemorated for ages to come.

Truly, this is a story where good triumphs and evil fails but what is the moral of the story?

Do NOT create any threads in any other language other than English
- [Update by Gambler] In addition, please refrain from posting in languages apart from English.

to tell you the truth, I don't really understand Spanish at all.