Don't know what to do.. help?

My husband has been replying to women for men ads on craigslist. Why would he do this?

I know I'm not the perfect wife, I burn everything I try to cook, some days I'll waste away playing video games instead of being productive, I can be moody, I nag him for sex even when he's tired, but I really do try to do good for him.

I gave up school and moved away from my family and friends to be with him. Just recently I shampoo'd the carpets in the house until I had blisters on my hands, I scrubbed every inch of the bathroom and the kitchen, because he likes things clean. I do his laundry and hang it up according to color. I'll buy him any game he wants, I try to motivate him to do his best. When we both had jobs, I still paid the bills. I massage him when his back hurts. Everything I do in my life is for him..

I moved away from home a little over a year ago, and we just recently moved to a new town, but I haven't made any friends here or in the last town.. He knows how depressed I am that I have no friends, yet we never go anywhere. When I finally coax him out of the house, we'll be somewhere for 10 minutes before he tells me it's time to go. Regardless of how lonely I am, I would never respond to craigslist romance ads..

I just don't know what to do.. How do I fix this? He doesn't know that I know.. I don't want to tell him, I just want him to love me and not feel the need to do this.. I don't know who to talk to about this, will someone please advise?

Ouch. Simply ouch. Sadly reminds me of my own mother before my father abandoned us. Your case though....must be horrible if not terribly worse. Him being an asshole that has a hypocritical complex on his life and undoubtedly yours I can offer no advice as your much in love in him but I don't see how that will matter,he's probably gotten tired of you because of some change. What comes after or in this rough time I can try to share some light though, as you said you don't have any friends and don't go out, do you have any outputs?(such as hobbies like anime,manga,video games, or something more healthy) in this situation sadly I've seen there is only depression, self anguish ,and torment. Even if it's unhealthy and unbecoming, no matter what happens you must shift your meaning to whatever that is, you will find no reason to continue if you don't.

If i were you, i'd just confront him about it.. odds are, if he is doing it, then he'll either cheat on you, and eventually break it off... or just keep it secret.
Confront him, demand to know what he's up to. Get moody if you have to, fuck, throw some shit. Demand to know whether he's been sleeping with anyone else... if he has, kick him out of the house, etc.

not meaning to scare you or anything, just hypothetical.
but yes, confront, and ask.

It's probably because you missed a spot on the carpets...now he's trying to find another one that can do a better job, maybe the next one can actually cook as well. Shoulda taken those cooking classes and rented that carpet cleaner from home depot!

Jokes aside, it sounds to me like the spoiled child syndrome (don't google it, it's one of my made up terms). Usually get this problem with hot girls. What happens when you spoil a child too much without discipline? The kid gets fucked up, takes things for granted and loses respect for their parents. We're more grown up now...but this hasn't changed. You still need to keep your pimp hand strong lol.

This has nothing to do with you not being enough, it's because you are doing too much and letting him get away with too much. This gave him too much undeserved power in your relationship. As a result, he takes things for granted...and loses respect. Every behaviour stems from a deeper root. Messaging other girls is just one symptom of the root cause.

It's not cute going through other people's privacy...but neither is answering romance ads while married. Call him out on it, get it sorted...do not let him get away with it. You want to keep this secret is because you went through his stuff when you're not supposed to, it's also not in your nature to confront your husband, and you may feel a little inadequate because of the ads. But if you don't get this sorted...it may just get worse. Fear and secrets lose their power when it's out in the open.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck sorting it out.

I know he hasn't cheated yet. So far there have just been a few responses to ads. He has done something along these lines in the past, but that's a very lengthy, complicated story. I can't leave him or kick him out, I made a promise that I would stand by his side, I'll leave when he's done with me, but until he expresses that, I'm his wife and will remain so. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, he can't be happy if he's doing this, but everything I do is in an attempt to make him happy. I know I sound foolish and weak, but when I married him, I knew the promise I was making and I did it with every intention of keeping it. I just want to figure out how I can make him happy.. maybe spice things up, spark his interest.

I don't have any healthy outlets, I'm very depressed, I can't sleep much, and I can't say I eat much either, I have very little energy because of this and it makes it hard to be motivated to do anything for myself. After everything that I've been through with him, I am beginning to feel very defeated, I don't want to allow myself to just sit here and give up, but I'm very close to that. Which is why I am asking for help. I feel like I'm running on auto pilot, I've lost myself, he's all I have. I just.. don't know what to do.

I didn't mean to go through his stuff, he asked me to set an alarm on his phone and his gmail is linked there so when I unlocked it, it was already on his inbox.. I've only ever seen his messages once before, a long time ago and I was so racked with guilt for looking I was sobbing when I apologized. I don't like to invade people's space, I respect him and trusted him.. I had no reason and no intention of looking, I wish I hadn't. Ignorance is bliss in this marriage.

still, you should confront him about it.. else risk things progressing... if you don't want to leave him or anything, talk to him about it perhaps? ask him what you're doing wrong that makes him feel the need to look for somebody new. ask him what you can do to keep him entertained? iunno.. i should really stop watching tv whilst replying to these threads.. it puts me off >.>

Drifter's GF says:

I know what its like to have someone close to you and feel very closed off from the rest of the world, including family and friends. he has become your world, so to speak. and you want to do everything within your power to please him, even if that means scrubbing the carpet until you bleed. You can't help but love him even if you know he's doing something you know he shouldn't.

IMO marriage is 50/50, give and take, push and pull. Both persons involved do half the work, share half the rewards, and give half of the answers/questions.

WARNING HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION: Personally if i found out my husband had an account on a dating site i'd confront him about it. Ask him why he has it? Is he unhappy with his love/sex life/marital situation? And if he responded with he wanted more, i'd probably kick him out. (You seem to me, very dependent on his approval which you should have already being his wife...)

which brings me back to where i started. i understand that you need him, and you believe he needs you as to the reason he keeps you around (not to sound harsh). i think you need to speak up. ask those few simple questions. then try and solve the issue. i know confrontation is hard but it will eat you up if you dont understand why he does it. sometimes these things just make relationships stronger.

GOODLUCK.

-Drifter's GF

Confront him now, let him know you still support him fully but really need him to be honest about what is the reasoning behind his replying to such sites.

What compelled him to do so? Is something wrong that you can talk about with him? It will be tough to bring up, but do so sooner rather than later. The more you wait the harder this will be...

He wants something different. What that is, I'm not aware of. You can check it out if you know what posts he replied too.

It's either one of two things really. He's into something he's afraid/disgusted about and doesn't want to bring it up to you. Or he's just looking for not-you. In other words, his life is not completely satisfying, so he's tempted to go for something new. I call it the restless dick syndrome.

If you're really going to stick by him regardless of the outcome, then to be honest, you shouldn't expect much happiness now that you've found this out. You sound monogamous, and particularly vested in the concept of marriage. It's going to be in the back of your mind forever if you just let it go, and I have no idea if you can take that.

It may be that your husband is straying because of your depression which makes him a cockdoucheweaselmonkey. It really isn't your fault that you are depressed--with the lack of outlets for your emotions, it is totally understandable that you would be feeling this way. If it's at all possible, try to get therapy for your depression--for your OWN sake, not for your husband's. I know personally how debilitating it can be, and CBT or drugs or other methods can really make a difference.

But this is the part that you guys should remember--a relationship is a two-way street. Right now it seems like you are doing all the work and all the sacrifice in this relationship, while he is just reaping the benefits. I mean, he can't even sacrifice going out with you so you can meet new friends? It's unfair to you, and like you said, it's unhealthy. He should help you now, in your time of need.

Depends on what he doing on craiglist.. you could just blacklist the site so he can't get on it or slice his... well i said too much.

I've confronted him on things like this in the past and it just made things more frustrating, because he would rather try to lie his way out, even when he is clearly caught, than just fess up and be honest. I guess at this point, I don't have the energy to fight with him.. I'm pretty much at my breaking point, this is not the life I wanted for myself, I know I can't change him, he's exactly the man I married, but I think I'm going to try to start focusing on improving myself. Doesn't matter what he does, I can't stop him, and he's too much of a coward to work through these things with me..

Ugh... I'm no expert on romance (never had one myself), but I agree with improving yourself first. As I've been told in the past, you can't help other people unless you help yourself first.... or something like that...

I dont know more about your relationship than what you have told in this thread, but I thought of something, and I cant really get it out of my head if I dont say it.
People here have already told you several reasons that could have driven your husband to what he's doing, and I have one more. Since you seem to be living your life for your husband, its very possible he feels its too much, like its suffocating him. And maybe because of that he's seeking for something outside of your relationship. Its just a quess, but thats the first thing I thought after reading your post.
But if thats the case, you'll have to find a way to spend some time apart from your husband, like a hobby or something.

Goodness ZQ! My heart really goes out to you. I think some serious soul searching is in order, though!

1. I heard what YOU do for HIM in the relationship- but what exactly does he do for you? Relationships require two people. Marriages are CONTRACTS in which both people covenant to fulfill eachother's needs, but both parties should be reaping the rewards as well as sharing responsibilities.

2. I think a plain fact here is that BOTH of you are too afraid to call it quits. You stick w/ him and will only leave if he breaks things off. He is apparently doing everything in his power to alienate you from his affection, disrespect you as a person, and sabotage the relationship. That sounds like a man who wants out and is too chicken to say it or make it happen. Besides, if he's getting pussy on the side and a housekeeper/caretaker at home- does he have a reason to call it quits? This sounds like a loser plan for you, regardless.

3. What do you want out of life? What are your goals? I submit that if taking care of a man who doesn't appreciate what you do for him is your current trajectory in life- maybe you need to set yourself some higher standards. You're potential and worth are being wasted. Let's not forget that women have a finite time in which to make a family and enjoy our youth. Do you really want to spend your youth on a toolbag?

I have no doubt there is a lot more to you than being a downtrodden cook-and-clean. A good mate, one worth having, is a compliment to our life- not the total sum of our life. Gather your dignity and womanhood and demand better. If not from him, definitely from yourself! You can do it! Keep us posted. We're worried about you and hope things work out for you. Good luck Queenie.

1.Do not think about leaving him for now try and save the marrige.
2. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house, btw where do you live is it a big town? or a small one with a close nit community. you need to find local community centre and attend some activity 2 -3 times a week.
3. As others have said you do way too much for him, do less and show him you have a life away from him it'll make him realise that some of the tings you do he takes for granted.
4. talk about the situation, do not ignor it, its a shame it seems like your close support networks are nonexistant, maybe he knows your all hes got and he is abusing this.

be calm and rational at all times !

hope that helps!

Now, wall of text incoming. I know just as much of the situation as you told us so I can only guess a lot. What I say might be completely off.

Here goes though.

First, from what I read of your posts I got kind of a similar impression as Raparperi did. Actually, you come off as a little clingy. No offense. Wanting to be around the person you love is perfectly fine, don't get me wrong. But the fact that you quit school to be with him, they way you write about him ... It might just be too much. And I'm saying this out of the experience of having had a clingy SO. I'm the type of person who values the time spent alone. Not to check ads on craigslist, mind you, or think of other ways to betray my SO but still, it's something important to me and whoever my next SO is going to be, that person definitely has to respect that I sometimes need my time alone or with other people. In that relationship though, I almost never got the chance for that. And it made me feel uncomfortable. It's hard to explain, really. But having someone put so much love and faith into you without thought or care of anything else, other friends or interests, solely focusing on youself, can be quite intimidating. It was for me at least.
But it wasn't that serious in my case. If my SO gave up on school however, just to be with me and marry me ... that's a whole different story. That'd put a lot of pressure on me, would suffocate me.
Anyway, this might be a reason, or just a part, or not applicable to your husband at all. It's just how I feel about such a situation.
So I would say try to find things you can do without your significant other, join the gym, go jogging, read books, start up on some education again. It might be hard at the beginning, but try to find friends. No better way than that but to start with some hobbies and go outside. Slowly but surely you're going to feel better, and find people. I'm sure.

What's much more important: Stop giving yourself the fault for everything. It's NOT your fault and you are NOT entirely responsible for this situation. You are NOT doing anything wrong. If anything you are trying to hard. Jesus, reading your posts in this thread, it's almost heart-breaking how kind-hearted you are and how hard you're trying. Seriously, it's absolutely his fault for not realising how self-sacrificingly you're caring for him and for not seeing what he might lose. He might be unhappy with himself, or there might be a million other reasons for his behaviour. But, again, it is not your wrong-doing, so don't shoulder all the weight. I can't stress how important I think it is for you to understand that.

And what's even more important: it doesn't sound like you can go on like that much longer. As pretty much every one else in this thread mentioned already, you need to talk to him about this. About everything. About the craiglist stuff, about how you are currently feeling, that you are depressed. If that's difficult, seriously, just show him the posts you made here. Or rather say what you said here, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this board. Nothing more needs to be said, you summed up everything perfectly in your posts. He has to talk to you about this, about your relationship. Talking is the most important thing in a relationship. Honestly, you have no chance if you just try to eat up your feelings like that. It won't get better at all, just worse. Don't try to keep this up. Talk it through. If you can't even do that much with him, while it may sound harsh, he might not have been the right person.

Relationships are also about getting over problems together. Go talk to him and do just that. Since this thread is a couple of days old already, I hope you did talk already. Best of luck to you.

You have seen the light. first, syphon away your portion(no more) of any joint savings. then, once you have all your money separated from his, make sure to remove your name from any joint leases or bank accounts. next, start liquidating your personal property to get ready for the escape. you want to have as little to carry as possible when the time to leave comes. material possesions are fleeting, they can be replaced later. anything you can't replace, get a storage locker and slowly move out. if he's as self absorbed as you describe him, he won't even notice your stuff is gone. it's best to do the final escape/move out when he's at work or won't be home for several hours. last, blast this song as you drive away.


i've used this method to "end" two relationships. it works very well when executed properly. it took one of them a week before she even noticed i was gone. the other lost her lease because she was expecting me to pay and over spent before the rent was due.


also:


i'm so stealing that.