Girlfriend broke up with me... :(

There's a TL;DR at the end, so if you're not interested in the drama, skip to the last line (just a friendly warning :D ).

So my girlfriend and I had a spat. I'm kinda wondering if she's really breaking up with me or if she just got really super pissed. I hope not, because it's kinda a silly argument, but she seems to take the topic seriously.

The topic, btw, is "The Merits Of Feminism" and we do not seem to see eye to eye. I want evidence of her claims, she basically tells me I'm just a misogynist and I "don't even realize it."

But then, *she* pressed it on *me*. She asked me if I was a Feminist and I said no. She said something like "You don't believe men and women should be equal?" I said "Yes, but that applies to everyone, not just to men and women. That's not strictly Feminism, that's Egalitarianism." Her obvious response? "Then you're an Egalitarian and a Feminist." Ugh. I tried to explain to her that Feminism receives a bad name because women try to force these labels on men, but she just kept pushing to make me agree that I was a Feminist.

Finally, we get into the chicken and salad, so to speak, if chicken is a metaphor for my belief system and salad is a metaphor for something I don't really like very much. She asks me a series of questions, such as "do you think men are stronger than women?" Of course, anyone who has dabbled in biology like she has--it's her college major--would know that humans are a sexually dimorphic species, and as a result their bodies naturally develop certain ways and react differently to internal and external stimulae. Mentally, women are many times stronger than a man--and if you don't think so, how do you think they get through childbirth? Squeezing a child through such a small opening is a lot like a man having all of the bones in his legs broken and then being forced to win first in decathlon in every event versus twelve Olympic medalists, and they're not allowed to rest between the events. Women win hands down when it comes to the mind.

But physically, no, women are inherently weaker, and that's what every biological, medical and scientific study has ever found. And because the science supports my claim, I tell her just that. Her response? "So you don't think a woman could ever out-bench you?"

Oddly enough, I'd heard that argument before. It's not exactly new. I don't remember where I heard it, but I've heard it somewhere, and there's really only one truthful response that can be used here--as you may have guessed, I'm big on honesty, which is why I have such a problem with most Feminists.

The response I gave is "Yes, of course she COULD, but she would need to train harder than I do. Women can't just overpower men given the same set of circumstances. They just can't."

Push eventually comes to shove and we start getting deeper into a heated argument. What it comes down to, and in her own words, she told me, "If you don't agree with me, you are against me."

At this point I'm tired of playing nice. The Great Wall of My Patience was attacked by the Mongols Of Vapid Crap and I was in full-on defense mode. "Oh my God, REALLY? So if I have a fundamental agreement with you, I CANNOT just talk with you about it, I must unilaterally agree and not challenge any of your positions, regardless of how utterly wrong and devoid of substance it is? So if, for example, I brought up your argument about women being paid less than men for the same job, and my research shows that the study that you cite saying women make 77 cents on the dollar to a man for the same job, and I say 'They're just grouping different jobs together because they belong to the same field and that skews the data,' then I'm against your whole movement because the evidence points in my favor? Is that *really* what you think?"

Finally, after more back and forth, she ends the Skype call and tells me, "We're done."

...

8|

Fffffffffff.......


tl;dr: I'm back in the dating market. Looking for a woman in her twenties. Here's a pic of me being all broody. I'm 26, currently full-time employed, and a computer nerd. I'm a cat person, I like to work out two or three times a week and play all kinds of video games. And in case it's not quite clear, I am heterosexual. Send me a message if you want to chat.

lol first off, this isn't a dating site.

Secondly, sounds like your girlfriend was maybe a little iffy anyway. I obviously don't know her well, but that line "if you don't agree with me, you're against me" really kind of rubbed me the wrong way. People should be allowed to have their own opinions, even if they're in a relationship. And if the opinions are different on the same issue, then you can just agree to disagree--one person shouldn't have to concede their viewpoint to appease the other. That's just unfair.

So if you're apart, oh well I guess. That sucks. But that might have just been an argument. My guess is she'll try and contact you again because it'd be weird if she just didn't anymore.

lol Hey can't help to advertise myself a bit, huh?

Anyway, it's not a 100% serious ad or whatever. I'm just kinda pissed at my girlfriend, and if she is going to play games, I might as well look for someone who won't.

Also, she doesn't like porn or hentai and I ended up deleting my entire collection because I wanted to make her happy. Next time I'm just going to find someone who likes hentai. Might make the relationship a little more interesting, lol

Fair enough I guess...but you can do that here.

Dang, your whole collection? I hope you had a back-up or just had them in your recycle bin.

Usually this section is for asking for relationship advice, not advertising yourself.

I would not like to be hard on him. It is a light hearted joke and the emphasis is obviously on his former friend.

It is a shame that she cannot stand others with views differing from her own. I do really hope that she did that in a fit of anger rather than an earnest attempt to break up.

It is hard to believe that someone would abandon a relationship just because they don't share the same views on everything.

PS: As you can see from my username, I am a male. I don't qualify but I am more than glad to make your acquaintance.

lol on the internet to date, maybe that's why your relationships don't work, and won't work.

What this man says.

lol what girlfriend? she dumped you remember...hell read the topic title.

I would go for the Hail Mary pass and appeal to her emotional side. If you love her, let her know that and that the only way you want to be involved with someone is through an honest and mentally open exchange of discourse.

She can't and shouldn't expect you to be a 'yes-man', and ask her if it's just really a fundamental issue that she can't and won't get best, or if you can find a way to be honest with each other, and disagree on some things, but still love and support each other.

Despite what a lot of people are saying, I think there is a huge difference between talking through superficial differences and attempting to talk through fundamental differences. In my opinion, differences on this topic (feminism) are too important to really have major disagreements on. Regardless of whether you thought she was right or wrong, mature or not, I think it is understandable that she would want someone who agreed with her much more then you do about this particular topic.

I was dating someone very briefly, and we got in a huge blow-out about the exact same topic. I also chose to end the relationship, because it is one of those things that really can not be worked out. It's almost like an atheist and a devout Christian trying to make things work, or a Democrat and a Republican... you can attempt to make it work, but the differences in opinion will always drive you apart in the end. When it comes to fundamentals - the things you strongly believe in - it is natural to want someone who respects your views and believes similarly.

^

That is strange. I would never think that differences in views towards the feminist movement would so damning that they can't be reconciled. Maybe this is because I can't appreciate how important the feminist movement is in my daily life.

Of course, that is not to say that I would happily be with anyone with different views of mine. It really depends on what views they hold. I would not get along with a person if his or her attitudes towards life, towards their social circle, the principles they stand by and their sense of responsibility are those that I can't accept.

These views I believe would influence my relationship or friendship with another person much more than an allegiance to some interest group. It is a difference between not accepting someone because they hate curry and not accepting someone because they are truly detestable.

ED: On second thought, if that person decides to break up just because of these comestic differences, that person is not someone to be with.

If the picture we get from this is anywhere near correct (we only hear one side of the argument, after all) the differences in their views are really more about terminology than substance. Op doesn't want to use the term 'feminist' about himself, while the girlfriend sees the world divided to feminists and other people, in which other people are those who don't use the feminist label.

I seriously think that you could get through this, it's just a conversation that needs a bit calmer state of mind. Also if they haven't dated a long time and/or they are feeling lazy, it might be easier to just move on to the next victim partner.

Remember to post updates if the girl gets around, this is better than the shit going on in my facebook right now.

I guess I'll try to reason with talk to her tomorrow. I just have to convince her that I am on her side, even if we disagree.

Sounds simple, right? ;;;

K, I talked to her, and we made up. Things are back to the way they were.

Ahh, drama. What would we ever do without you? :3

^ Thank goodness! I don't believe anyone would break up over differing views on feminism! What did you say to her?

Unless she provided the best sex of your life, she isn't worth THAT much moral compromise.

No, no moral compromise involved, actually. I don't believe the Feminist movement is totally wrong. Women do get discriminated against in some way. I personally believe that some Feminists try to see cases of discrimination where there may be none, but that's not all of them.

Also, no, no sex. Right now it's kind of a long-distance relationship, but my income allows the two of us to take vacations together while we wait for the gap to close a bit. Right now is not one of those times.

Basically I appealed to her using what she knows of me and my personality, and got her to see that I mean well and I'm on her side.

I said we shouldn't end the relationship because we couldn't meet halfway on something. She told me "You can't meet halfway on this." I responded with confusion, saying "Well I don't know what you mean by that, considering you told me that if I don't agree with you I'm against you. If the stated goal of Feminism is equality between men and women, then disagreements should be okay as long as we agree on some basic fundamentals.

"Such as... There IS discrimination against women. Women ARE at disadvantaged in some ways. I don't think it's right. In fact, it's just wrong. But I want to know the WHY here. WHY are they discriminated against. WHY are they at a disadvantage. DO men get special favors based on gender/sex and WHY?

"If all you do is repeat things that are told to you unquestioningly, and then force labels on men, you cannot claim to be for equality. It would be the same thing if the situation were reversed.

"I have often been on message boards where a woman presents an idea, and a man has a disagreement, and the woman immediately calls him a sexist pig. And I can't remember exactly what was said, it was something about the jobs women take, by statistic. But he wasn't saying that women should only be allowed THOSE jobs, and I'm sure if the lady had bothered to ask him that, he would have said 'No, they can have whatever job they want,' or something like that.

"And I agree. Women can have whatever job they choose. But there have to be limits based on ability, wouldn't you think? I mean, I certainly can't be a biologist, and you can't be a computer scientist, right?"

She agreed, saying, "Well duh, they'd have to be qualified just like a man would have to be. Feminism isn't 'Lets get women as doctors even if they don't earn it,' If I studied, then I could work on computers just fine, and don't think I dont have the ability."

I said, "All I'm saying is you find the best people suited for the job. If a man is more qualified, then you hire him. If a woman is more qualified, absolutely give her the job."

At this point, she countered: "That's not the issue. It's not 'Hire this woman instead of this man even though he's better,' it's "Hire this man even if he isn't as qualified, just because he's a man."

I asked, "Can you tell me any recent examples of where that's happened? Because if it has, then absolutely I will be just as outraged as you are."


I'm not going to post the whole conversation, but not long after that we started discussing possible solutions for fixing discrimination.

So we've patched things up. Everything's cool now. :)

Smooth as fuck. So much so that I have to ask: had you thought those lines beforehand? :D

I feel like there's nothing wrong with finding out if that's really where things are. If they can't learn to accept these differences, try to come closer together and learn from each others' reasons and opinions.

I agree wholeheartedly with you, Dia, that fundamental differences can be a healthy reason to terminate, but I also feel like there should be enough effort expended to find out if things really are that important, and really are that different that it's necessary for them to part.