Mental health and romantic relationships

This is meant to be a discussion of sorts, since it has been mentioned briefly in other topics about dating/relationships mostly in regards to those pursuing or interested romantically in someone with known depressive tendencies. It seems that there is a division between people who feel that it is best to steer clear of those with a history of poor mental health, and others who think it is best to judge on a case by case basis. I'm more in the later position - it is hard to determine for a whole group of people what they can or can not handle in a relationship, and there are so many individuals who suffer from depression, anxiety, and/or have personality disorders that it is hard accept that they are not relationship material simply due to that diagnosis. However, I was curious what the community here on Fakku thought of the topic.

Would you date someone with mild depression? Severe depression?
Anxiety only in direct situations, or frequent anxiety?
Someone with a personality disorder or extreme phobia - what kinds do you find acceptable? Which ones are not?

Is it alright only if the person focuses their symptoms inward (towards themselves) or outward (towards others) as well? Is one more acceptable then the other? Why or why not? Since these sorts of problems have a strong genetic disposition, would you worry that your significant other/spouse's condition might impact family life negatively - if it got to that point? Would this be a huge deterrent for you?

Naturally, each person will have different specific symptoms, and some you might not be able to tolerate (recklessness/impulsiveness, drug/alcohol abuse, self-mutilation, eating disorders, schizoid personality types, extremely controlling behaviors), but do you believe that if you love someone then ultimately you could love them through extreme problems like these that could impact them as deeply as mental health issues often do?

Would I date someone with depression, anxiety, or an all out disorder or phobia.
In this order, yes and yes as long as levels are not to extreme and there is something I can do to help, disorder and phobia is dependent on said disorder or phobia.

Case to case basis is the best method in my opinion on deciding how to handle it.

Depression and anxiety is a common problem among people and is workable and can be managed if you take the right approach, the level/extent being able to work with it is of course is dependent on the severity of it. A disorder is a entirely different level to work with mainly understanding if its something that will actually affect you or needs to addressed regularly and if so what is needed to do so. Phobias are case to case.

With the way to deal with symptoms my thoughts are deal with them inwards unless outside help is needed, because I believe that everyone should be able to handle their own problems on their own but a helping hand is occasionally needed along the way. The genetic disposition part, while yes genetics can play a massive role environment is just as big in that effect so that would be factors to consider but i would agree if it affected family life negatively it can be a major deterrent for me.

The last part I am not able to give a answer so I refrain from answering.

I do believe that it could certainly be a problem, but how severe that problem would be depends on how bad the issues are. Some issues won't pose a problem beyond what one would expect from a "normal" relationship, due to it either not being severe or having a good way to handle it. Of course, it's an issue if the person in question can't handle it. I saw plenty of people in my old high school that had severe mental problems that, in spite of having warning symptoms, were hard to control or stop and some even became severely violent when they passed the breaking point. Although the shitheads in charge of preventing it had no idea how to handle it... If it's someone like that, then I'd avoid being in a relationship with them. Some people may be able to handle that, but it's too much stress for me.

If it's something relatively minor to the point where it could be hidden, then I wouldn't mind. There were some people that I knew that supposedly had mental health problems, yet they never really shown signs of it. There was even one kid with a large anger problem, yet you'd never have known it without being told. Sure, it could slip through at times, but it was rarely anything more than what a normal person would experience when they're upset. So long as it doesn't slip through too often, I wouldn't mind it.

Mild is fine, but moderate/severe is not. I've seen firsthand that while yes, there are ways to counter it semi-reliably, it would simply be too stressful. It may not define them, but it's a large part of them.

We're all crazy, deep down inside and that's the part that scares us the most. The reason we have Laws, or people trying to tell others what to do, is the fact that we, individually might not be able to control that 'crazy' side. I wanna blow everyone's minds here though:

People in authority, however, do not hold authority. In other words, they're crazy too. Only the 'idea' of the Law, holds these people to a degree of responsibility. If pushed far enough, we've seen even lawmakers break the laws and in fact use their position as a shield to justify their innocence.

I'm the same way: To other people, I'm insane. And perhaps, I'm now starting to accept that insanity. Accepting the insanity, is a huge part of actually dealing with it. Whereas we Humans typically try to surpress it. People like Loughner and Holmes were on massive depressants before their acts of terror.

Now, getting back on topic(as I was slightly off of it). In Romance, I'd want a Yandere, gimme the crazy chick. She'll love me unconditionally, and I, vice versa. We could do some BDSM, I wouldn't mind being tied to a bed, or having blindfolds on me. In sexual intercourse, that's the ultimate place where one can experience to an extent a personal fantasy.

Basically, we're all insane? Well, I guess so. Cultures are extremely different, and what may be the norm for us is insane to others. But I'm sure you already know that. :P

I'm not scared of who I am, since I know myself well enough. I do have a side that wants to defy all laws and kill whoever gets in my way, but that side hardly exists. I can control it as easily as I can move my fingers. I know that my "dark" bit isn't going to surface any time soon, so why should I be afraid of it? Even if nobody saw it, I wouldn't be able to let it go if it were to ever surface.

It depends. I have a lot of things to consider, though I basically prefer "healthy" person.

I would, but only if they would take steps to try and better themselves I wouldn't want to always worry about them going into an episode or something. I wouldn't mind if it cost me anything, if they become even a bit better then that's fine by me.

Yeah, I would. Actually, I guess it kind of depends what it was. Like if they had serious anger issues and would take it out on me physically, then I'd get out. But if it were something like depression or some shit like that, then I'd want to make it all better and help them. Gotta help each other out man. Unless it dangers your life, but someones got to help crazy people, yes? Haha.

Please read the first entry in this article and educate yourself properly on the matter of "nymphomania". There's really nothing tolerable about it.

Alright, hmm. Well I guess it is hard to say depending on the severity and how it actually pans out with the person.

1) Would you date somebody with mild/sever depression?
-For me, probably not severe. And a maybe on mild, I am not really a super positive person either so I think depending on how the person acts it might be difficult. However I think if you truly love somebody then you can get over that. Also, there is always treatment options if it is a problem. Although I personally don't bother with it.

2) Anxiety in direct situations? Or Frequent anxiety?
-I personally don't think this is a problem and I would say it is a non issue for me. I worry about things too, but I figure that it is something normal for people since there is always so much going on in the world and it is different for each person. One person may find an election troubling because their candidate seems to be losing. Another may be concerned about school.

3) Personality Disorder? Phobia?
-Well I suppose it depends on the severity and personality disorder. I think as long as it isn't too severe it probably will be fine.
-Phobias...hmm I suppose that is a tricky one. I suppose extreme phobia is fine unless it is a severely hindering one that interferes with daily life. Not something like scared of heights, scared of insects, and so on. Those are fine and avoidable even if it is an extreme fear.

4)Focusing symptoms towards others or themselves.
-While focusing it inwards does make it so you deal with it less, it is actually a false sense of "everything is fine" type thing. If it is focused outward it can be somewhat easier to deal with or so on. But in terms of acceptability...I think I could deal with most things, depressiveness that is focused outward might be difficult. And lack of social interaction would also be difficult to deal with. But I think it is possible to overcome it. (though I definitely would have a hard time since I don't really want to add more depressive moods than I already have. Even if I get over it eventually anyways.)

5) Passing it on?
-I honestly wouldn't worry at all, If it happens it happens. Something relatively small such as anxiety and depression really shouldn't interfere with a relationship and the choice to have a kid. The positive impacts really outweigh the negative impacts here. Assuming this is only talking about passing on the mentioned disorders.

As for the last question, if you truly do love a person I think you can overcome a lot of things. Relationships are never easy. And everybody has their own type of baggage or own set of problems. Getting over them is part of it I think.

I hope I answered well but more than likely I probably made a few errors here and there :P.

This might be very mean to say, but I am a realist, people date people who are cute or hot regardless of anything else. So if the person is physically attractive they'll get dates. If not suddenly their condition will become too much of a problem for others to deal with. But for an attractive person people will put up with just about anything. Of course there are exceptions but this is in general for the most part. You asked a lot of specifics I could give my opinion on each one but what I said is pretty much the bottom line for all of what you mentioned.

I think the only thing that makes the difference is if their issue just becomes too overwhelming that the relationship is overshadowed by their condition and it just gets in the way too much to the point the person getting mentally healthy is more important than dating them. Then you have to make adjustments because you can distract them from getting better or become an enabler. Otherwise it takes a very very patient person to deal with it.

No ones perfect so some issues are fine, but we should all anyway strive to better ourselves everyday if we want to keep healthy happy relationships.

Only if i was in very deep love .-.

As someone with borderline personality disorder, I have to admit that out of the 4 serious relationships I am/have been in, 3 of them went to shit, and my mental issues DID have something to do with it.

Dating someone with a mental disorder can be extremely stressful, so if I were someone else, I probably wouldn't date myself. The thing about BPD is that I have a tendency to use reverse logic and push people away, when the very thing I actually want is to bring them closer. I used to have REALLY low self esteem, and would do almost anything to gain my partner's approval.

I would make frantic efforts to avoid any and every sort of real or imagined abandonment. Whenever I felt like I wasn't doing enough for my SO, I'd start getting depressed, feeling useless and incapable...constantly questioning if I'm good enough for the other person. (Up until my current bf though, it turns out that I was way out of their league, according to pretty much everyone but me. ._.

I'd go through periods of idealizing and devaluing my SO, seeing goods and bads of the other person, but to an extreme that either made me really love or really hate them. (this was the "push pull" thing I was talking about)

I'd also be EXTREMELY impulsive, spending my entire paycheck on a random 3DS or just anything that caught my attention. Around 17-18 years old (turning 19 in a few weeks), I started having sex and doing drugs, all on impulses. I felt lonely one day and asked my bf at the time to sneak over to my house while my parents were out, and we had sex. The month after that on my 18th birthday, I got extremely drunk, after never having anything near a desire to drink for my whole life up until that point. And a month after that, I tried smoking weed and also did half a hit of acid. When me and the guy I lost my V-card to broke up, I went on a hook up spree, trying to find SOMEONE to fuck on 4chan's /soc/. (None of these attempts actually came to fruition, I backed down.) I camwhored like crazy, because I had literally no self esteem by that point, and I wanted some kind of approval. Any kind would do for me at that time, even if it was just a primal "I want to fuck you" response, because to me, that meant that I was good enough for at least that.

To top it all off, I always felt pretty empty inside, which was why I was constantly pursuing relationships, however shallow they may have been. I couldn't stand being alone.

(other symptoms I have: extreme mood swings, paranoid ideation, recurrent suicidal thoughts)

But anyways, (now that I'm more self aware of my problems) I think dating someone with a mental disorder (especially something like BPD) is generally a bad idea if you want a smooth ride. There are ways to make it work, but it's usually pretty stressful and takes a LOT of patience.

My story does have a happy end though. I became a LOT more self aware of my issues after meeting my current boyfriend, because he also has BPD. He told me once that he got formally diagnosed with it, and when he explained it all, I realized that I have the same exact issues. Both of us have gone through horrible relationships and break ups, and since we both saw so much to love about each other, we had a mutual desire to NOT fuck up this relationship. We promised each other to make more of an effort to be conscious of what triggers our BPD responses, and to be more understanding when we do go off the handle like that. That in itself has really helped both of us gain more control over ourselves, and many of the symptoms (lack of self esteem, mood swings, chronic empty feelings) are starting to fade. :D

We're both still pretty impulsive (sex, drugs, spending), but we've learned to control ourselves so that we both can stay pretty healthy and problem free.

I am dating someone with multiple mental health issues, and I am someone with multiple mental health issues as well. I struggle with severe depression and rapid mood shifts (I don't say I'm bi-polar because I have not been diagnosed with this). My boyfriend struggles with depression, schizophrenia and severe anxiety. In all honesty, I prefer being in a relationship with someone who has mental health problems because I've been in relationships where my partner didn't and they didn't work out. They didn't work out because I have problems of my own, that they could not understand and/or deal with. So yes, I would be in a romantic relationship with someone who had mental health problems. I have mental health problems too, so I'm actually more comfortable dating someone who can relate. This way, when both of us are feeling a little crazy, we can be crazy together.

It's a hard and solid No. Focusing emotional problems inwards means you're repressing, and it festers. You need the support of others during times of adversity, especially emotionally trying times. Romantic relationships simply do not thrive when one or more of the people involved are mentally unstable or suffering. I know this firsthand because I have very deep, long-term problems that have ruined all of my relationships. You need to be stable, to know yourself and feel functional, before you involve someone else in your life. If you don't, that other person no matter what you do, how hard you try, they will end up affected by the stress you yourself are under. Or vice versa. It's a responsibility that no significant other should have to shoulder.

I also have to stress that this is not just an opinion, it's common sense in the Psychology world -- if you're not okay, someone else won't fix that. If you think it will, that in and of itself is an issue you need to address. Romantic love can't survive the instability of one or more people being stressed out. Behavioral disorders color and influence your every action, thought, and feeling. That being said, why on earth would you want to try to add romance into that messed up equation?

yes.

being someone who has studied psychology as well as having multiple diagnosed mental illnesses, i would absolutely give someone else a chance. unless the other person cannot cope with their sickness or is unwilling to learn how to, i don't think it's a big deal. the person has problems, but they're not problems to fix. we are not broken, we don't need fixing, okay? therapy and medication will probably never, ever make them go away, and it's about learning to live with and maintain yourself and your mental health.

it can be a hard, long journey, especially for the significant other. i have been in a stable relationship for over two years now, and i've had a few other serious ones throughout my life. my mental illnesses were diagnosed at a young age, so it was never unexpected or anything new, and i've always been upfront about it with anyone that i've had feelings for.

it may be harder to be with someone with a mental illness, or it might even be the same, but i feel that if you can stick with it (willingly), you'll have an extremely strong bond and an incredible amount of love that other couples might not get to experience. it takes a lot of trust or confidence to share your illness with someone, but it's a whole other level when you let someone into your world romantically. that is when most people are at their most vulnerable. that means you're really special, so why not give it a chance? :9

/probably makes no sense

Ah, a topic I'm well versed in. I have answers to your questions and if asked I can provide specific instances based off of my experience.

-standing ovation-

THANK YOU.

It irks me to no end to think about how willing people are to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, thinking these are things that... can easily be overlooked or worked through. These are serious fundamental issues. If someone is unstable, you unwittingly shoulder responsibility for their happiness.

It's not a suitable foundation for a lasting relationship. Not by a long shot. It's one thing if someone had a rough childhood, and they've had years of therapy to move on and medication to remain stable... But when your scars are fresh, or untreated... you can't give anything to someone. You're too busy licking your wounds and trying to find solid ground, that you can't compromise, or feel secure, or be there for someone else without feeling too emotionally invested.