Tell me about your first love...

I guess i'll have a go.

I was in secondary school. In my primary years i've had two girl friends. One from my first school in england (learnt english quickly but i was generally a sheltered child and knew nothing of the makings of the world, i just wanted to play "it" and football and i was doing pretty badly at school since i had no concept of learning through a classroom...didn't even know wat a poem was and wenever it was time to write something poem or fiction, i always tried writing down a story). I was a strange a quirky person, so naturally i was in the upper social circle. I winked at a girl (something i learned on TV-lol) and before i knew it, i was suddenly her boyfriend. Clueless i was, no frelling idea wat to do with her. We talked briefly and just hung around awkwardly as if she were some chain holding me back to what i really wanted to do, eventually she got the courage to end it. One thing for certain, i definitely know she wasn't my first love-such a thing among boys and girls was an alien concept at the time.

Years later, i moved schools. I got my second girlfriend whom i was a love rival with my best friend unbenounced to me...from what i recall, he confessed to her (at this point i vaguely got an idea wat love is) but said that she liked me instead. Overhearing them i came over and at that point he announced her to make a choice, she didn't. So instead, we had a contest for her heart, and me being the competitive person i was, i agreed without any real thought on wtf i got myself into. eventually i just won because of my good looks and no one got themselves a boyfriend or girl friend for that whole time.

It was on my 4th year in secondary school (year 10), that this hiatus ended. At that point i finally got a clue on wtf is going on thx to pooberty. On my ride on a bus (i usually walked but for a reason i cannot remember, i needed the bus to go home on a few occassions) i got news of her and me wanting to hook up. I lived quite near her up the hill so it was a simple matter of going to her to start things off. In those days i really had nothing to offer, i had no allowance and i was too young to get a job (nor was getting a job a tempting thing to want), hell i even had no internet. I was completely cut off from the world culture and the makings of how we as humans work. All i had were my 1337 gaming skills of which i helped with on things she was stuck on. and my reward was endless amounts of hugs and kisses that frankly wasn't satisfying me in the least. I didn't have the guts to end it and i had no idea how to really get close to girl let alone seduce her to my bed. So it all ended in me doing something stupid and she misunderstanding it as rape (we were all clueless fks really...every single one of us)

At this time, i had me meditating on what is it that i really wanted with women and how would i go about getting it. My year certainly had a nice collection of hot totty. Stephanie, the new girl came in 8th year and had the body of a goddess, cheerful and energetic but balanced with a sense of gleeful wit (found her the most attractive sexually but i don't know if i woulda loved her). Francesca, the red head of celtic features, intelligent, proper and passive. Amy, the dirty blonde the makings of a woman having the past of a tom boy, certainly liked her partying. Enya of the lower social circle of the year group but i found her beatiful, also blonde and very approachable-it was said that if i did ask her out, it was certain that she would've accepted (i decided against it because of my lack of assets-my family wasn't poor..just stingy, resulting in me having near to nothing) and of course my choice Shauni, another blonde (yes another one), kind, shy and adorable by far with her high softly spoken voice, an angel in my eyes. don't get me wrong though..there were plenty more on offer...about 17 more girls (so 20ish hotties and 30ish guys and dogs...thats quite high % considering)

For awhile i'd like amy, enya and shauni (yus, i had a blonde fetish at the time) but eventually my choice was the angel and i damn hell do not regret it. by the time i'd made my choice it was half way through the LAST year. usually i would have made my move through working my way through the social ladder but no, i had no time. I needed to do something decisive if i were to seriously be with her as her boyfriend (but because of my lack of assets i was hesitant on whether or not i should-in fact, right when my feelings were found out, all herfriends gave me her number and all were wanting me to call her on that very night and she was definitely willing to submit...i decided against it (i think it was a good choice) 1. i hate phones 2.i was bat shit scared 3.my confidence in being a decent boyfriend was shot with good reason as you'll see above)...

at best i wanted, was a relationship where my own actions and my feelings can be enough to please her but given my social standing it was unlikely i'd make it up in time before the year ended. SO, my plan was to do something so damn "brave" (fking crazy) that the whole school wouldn't dare mimic it. What was the most crazy romantic thing one can do?

SERENADING!

first though, i got friendly with her friend stephanie ( gathering allies in the larger goal was key, and someone of her influence was crucial). So on a field trip i sang her a song (i promise you she was taken aback-i'm actually pretty good) but upon that kowing my feelings she knew i only did that as my priciple of keeping my promises. Later, i indirectly gave shauni a letter (snuck it into her pocket...i wanted to give it to her directly but i was disheartened by her friends when she didn't here me over their voices). It was my first bad move (sort of), it was much misinterpretted that stalked her to put it in her pocket (actually i was just very damn dexterous to not get noticed) but the intended effect was made.

the whole school went into a fking uproar and my little stunt with steph was nothing more than a warm up as i planned to publicly do it infront of all in the school at any given time. I was showered with praised, playfully teased (teased whom yo admire and all) and there even the subject of all the girls changing their second name to mine.

but i dilly dalled to long and my hesitation got the better of me. I had the window of oppotunity to be part of the greatest couple in the school right before i graduate. the loser underdog, shooting up suddenly to become the most popular guy in school and goin out with one of the goddesses of it.

soon the effect was starting to wear off, i had to do it soon, i soon became desparate and deeply frustrated and in the end at an year group trip to wales, the final decision was made and my heart broken with broken dreams and the dishonour of my first broken promise. I cried on the day the "i wish we were friends" speech which was obviously a mere formality than an actually portrayal of wat she wnted. she wanted to stay as far away from me as possible. and all the way to graduation, i barely got the chance to get near her, ever...i decided against going to our year's prom and it all ended there. I'm sure she woulda been beautiful in her dress. In the end i had become the biggest low-life of the school's social history. labeled a stalker, dangerous and insane, weak, poor, indecisive wen it really counts and all around hopeless

but that first love was the start of the me that is today. if only the me that is today was the me of that past. Ii have everything i want now...except...her.