[Winter Contest Entry 2012] - The little things...
4
Livided
FAKKU Writer
Alright my last minute story for the winter contest 2012! I have tried going over it as best I can but if I made some horribly spelling error or weird mistakes please forgive me. Thanks to Medzy and Xenon for letting me use their names. But I wanted to be apart of the contest in every manner I could so here goes my attempt at a submission.
The little things...
Edit: Happy new year all! =)
Edit 2: Decided to drop the last paragraph upon reading it again.
The little things...
Spoiler:
Edit: Happy new year all! =)
Edit 2: Decided to drop the last paragraph upon reading it again.
0
8/10
The world and the scenario they were in seemed interesting.
There were some times where the pacing was a little to fast, I had some trouble setting the proper surroundings in my head... Then again, I am a bad read, so that might be the fault of me and not the story... Also, you had a short time frame to write the story...
Overall, I really liked it. I'd like to see a extension to the story.
Edit - The pacing is good, I'm just an idiot.
The world and the scenario they were in seemed interesting.
There were some times where the pacing was a little to fast, I had some trouble setting the proper surroundings in my head... Then again, I am a bad read, so that might be the fault of me and not the story... Also, you had a short time frame to write the story...
Overall, I really liked it. I'd like to see a extension to the story.
Edit - The pacing is good, I'm just an idiot.
0
FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
So I ended up registering here to comment after all, huh. Well you know my comments already so let's keep it at it. Keep it up.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
sora_coltrane wrote...
I read the last paragraph before you dropped it though o.o I liked how you connected them at the end with the water bottle this time round. It would’ve been great if you slightly hinted it somewhere near the beginning as well since it was felt rather sudden when you introduced it at the end (at least to me)
Your fight scene flowed really well and I liked how the length of it finally paid off when they decided to call a temporary truce.
For some reason, half the time I was reading about the hounds of death they appeared as Houndoom when I tried to visualize it o.o…
By the way, I’m a writer as well and I’m looking to improve myself, so I really appreciate it if you gave me your thoughts on my entry if you have the time.
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=97942
Aye I agree I could have hinted at it in some small fashion early in the story but alas me being a dumb ass with planning and time management I did not have time to work on a story until the very last day so I rushed it a bit. I just wanted to be able to participate with everyone. =)
This is, of course, no excess and I may probably have missed adding a early hint regardless. But when I think back I believe I wanted a little bit of confusion and at the end some shock value once you found out the "little thing" that had caused such a intense fighting.
As for the Houndoom I have never known about em till now when I just googled them, interesting. The story I wrote takes place in a fictional universe I am writing on called "Tales of Ventera". I decided to write a story based in that world for this contest using 2 news that inspired me to craft these new characters and I may decide to create a more elaborate story of the pair in the future.
I am glad you enjoyed it though and I completely share your desire for improvements and hope we have both learned something from this experience!
Edit: If you read before I deleted the last paragraph you were quite fast indeed.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
sora_coltrane wrote...
Ah, I definitely did felt the impact when the bottle was brought up at the last part. If I recalled correctly, there was another 2 to 3 sentences more or so in that dropped paragraph about the water bottle. And, nah not really I wasn’t fast -.- I did read about it the day you released it but it was only until now that I left a comment. So… slow lol, my bad…
Anyway, that means there a sequel sometime in the future right? Or at least set in TOV’s world… o.o I’ll check that out when you post it in the future…
Thanks for sharing such a great spirit, it’s really encouraging!
There was a whole other paragraph that I decided to discard and this was within 20min after posting the story, hence why you were fast. =)
And yea I may or may not make a sequal or simply integrate it into the novel series. And you are most welcome, thank you as well for reading and I am glad you enjoyed it.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
It is very well written. I could never describe in detail fight scenes as well as you do. I would like to ask what was the setting and context of this entry though. Were both of them fighting over buried treasure in the desert?
That said, I can't match your writing. Nonetheless is it alright if you could read my entry. My style is that of dry, depressing and self-depreciating humour and I was wondering how would you react to it.
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=97777
That said, I can't match your writing. Nonetheless is it alright if you could read my entry. My style is that of dry, depressing and self-depreciating humour and I was wondering how would you react to it.
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=97777
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
It is very well written. I could never describe in detail fight scenes as well as you do. I would like to ask what was the setting and context of this entry though. Were both of them fighting over buried treasure in the desert? That said, I can't match your writing. Nonetheless is it alright if you could read my entry. My style is that of dry, depressing and self-depreciating humour and I was wondering how would you react to it.
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=97777
Looks like I have failed in my story in regard to your view, I deeply apologize for not being clear enough. Perhaps I needed the extended ending to avoid this from happening.
They fought over the water bottle that both of them found simultaneously and without a word spoken began to fight over it. The reference to this was made how both were tired and dehydrated and near the end where Xenon offered to share it rather than fight over it and get it all. Hence the "little things" as it all started over just a bottle of water.
As for your story I will make a reply to it shortly, but I can already tell at the least in the area of vocabulary you are using a lot of awesome words so I cannot say you cannot match my writing. As for quality of stories, there are no better or worse in my opinion (although I suppose there are degrees) but more how there are differences. Since we all like different things we will all enjoy certain differences of some authors more or less.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
^ Not at all! It was definitely well written as if I were watching a movie that starts off with a fight. I was curious as to why they were fighting and failed to spot the paragraph that indicated that they were fighting over a water skin.
0
I'm quite jealous of your action scene, it's exactly what I've been wanting to do but just can't find a way to do it. I love it, are you going to make more stories like this in the future?
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
The Randomness wrote...
I'm quite jealous of your action scene, it's exactly what I've been wanting to do but just can't find a way to do it. I love it, are you going to make more stories like this in the future? I am very flattered you seem to like it so much, I am a bit worried my type of writing was out of touch as I do not seem to find many action/fantasy type stories here. As for other stories like it I have posted an old short story (first one I ever completed) you can also read on fakku which is also action/fantasy based.
Dunno if ya read my replies to the other posts here. But like I said I am a wannabe writer (just write for myself really hehe) and I am writing on my novel series in the fictional world/universe Tales of Ventera. This is the second story I have ever completed as the novel series is ongoing and incomplete so it doesn't count.
This scene was not taken from there, but it does take place in that same fictional world and I created these 2 characters after being inspired by the names I was allowed to use on fakku users which I am very thankful for.
I have gotten some positive feedback on the chars and story and I will probably make the 2 chars part of the fictional world I am working on.
As for this specific story I am so far unsure if I will directly continue it.
One of 3 things will happen:
1. I will make a whole new story concept with these 2 chars unrelated to the story you just read but have the same personalities and powers.
2. Make a time leap so you do not see the conclusion of this story but instead join them on a future adventure.
3. Make a back story for both characters before this story took place.
0
Whatever you end up doing, you already got a fan and already planning on reading your future works.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
The Randomness wrote...
Whatever you end up doing, you already got a fan and already planning on reading your future works. Haha thanks, never had a fan before and I greatly appreciate your kind words.
If I publish more I shall do my best to not disappoint!
0
okay then I hope you don't mind me commenting like this, it's more of my own personal preference of reading the stories than the actual quality which your story could possibly deliver to me if my literacy level was enough to understand what's going on (just skimmed it by the way, when I put too much thought on reading works with high technicality, it made my head hurts so I'm really sorry for this)~
the battle scenes were pretty great, it reminds me of some author which I knew well on being very capable to sculpt well-developed fantasy world, though it kind of made me confused on what's going on next, probably because it's too detailed (I have a really poor imagination) and I can't really relate to the combatants; their feelings of hurt, pain, at whatsoever like that. when I want to write the battle scenes, even though it wasn't up to the level of detail you described, I usually want to put myself on the shoes of one of the fighters, focusing more on the emotional aspects rather than the detailed descriptions and etc, well it's not my expertise really.
I usually want to put the descriptions towards the minimal amount of level in order for the readers to easily get what's going on first, then focus on the emotional aspect, just my own preference really.
I often like to use the references from Visual Novels with many battles such as Fate/Stay Night for example, one work which I truly love the battle scenes of because you could easily feel the characters' pain in the battles, not just a showcase of excellently choreographed technique; there's also the moment when you're also able to experience the feelings of being near-death when the characters fought. Again, just personal preference man, just take it for granted
It's probably because I'm not experienced at third person view stories that I'm having trouble on relating myself with the characters on the story, so it's not really your fault for this~
overall I think it's pretty great like many of people here said, even though I can't really understand the story I applaud you for all the work you put on this entry, good job
P.S : my opinion was pretty much biased because English wasn't my native language and I got serious problem on comprehending detailed written works, so I'm sorry if there's many wrong things in what I said earlier
the battle scenes were pretty great, it reminds me of some author which I knew well on being very capable to sculpt well-developed fantasy world, though it kind of made me confused on what's going on next, probably because it's too detailed (I have a really poor imagination) and I can't really relate to the combatants; their feelings of hurt, pain, at whatsoever like that. when I want to write the battle scenes, even though it wasn't up to the level of detail you described, I usually want to put myself on the shoes of one of the fighters, focusing more on the emotional aspects rather than the detailed descriptions and etc, well it's not my expertise really.
I usually want to put the descriptions towards the minimal amount of level in order for the readers to easily get what's going on first, then focus on the emotional aspect, just my own preference really.
I often like to use the references from Visual Novels with many battles such as Fate/Stay Night for example, one work which I truly love the battle scenes of because you could easily feel the characters' pain in the battles, not just a showcase of excellently choreographed technique; there's also the moment when you're also able to experience the feelings of being near-death when the characters fought. Again, just personal preference man, just take it for granted
It's probably because I'm not experienced at third person view stories that I'm having trouble on relating myself with the characters on the story, so it's not really your fault for this~
overall I think it's pretty great like many of people here said, even though I can't really understand the story I applaud you for all the work you put on this entry, good job
P.S : my opinion was pretty much biased because English wasn't my native language and I got serious problem on comprehending detailed written works, so I'm sorry if there's many wrong things in what I said earlier
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
high_time wrote...
okay then I hope you don't mind me commenting like this, it's more of my own personal preference of reading the stories than the actual quality which your story could possibly deliver to me if my literacy level was enough to understand what's going on (just skimmed it by the way, when I put too much thought on reading works with high technicality, it made my head hurts so I'm really sorry for this)~the battle scenes were pretty great, it reminds me of some author which I knew well on being very capable to sculpt well-developed fantasy world, though it kind of made me confused on what's going on next, probably because it's too detailed (I have a really poor imagination) and I can't really relate to the combatants; their feelings of hurt, pain, at whatsoever like that. when I want to write the battle scenes, even though it wasn't up to the level of detail you described, I usually want to put myself on the shoes of one of the fighters, focusing more on the emotional aspects rather than the detailed descriptions and etc, well it's not my expertise really.
I usually want to put the descriptions towards the minimal amount of level in order for the readers to easily get what's going on first, then focus on the emotional aspect, just my own preference really.
I often like to use the references from Visual Novels with many battles such as Fate/Stay Night for example, one work which I truly love the battle scenes of because you could easily feel the characters' pain in the battles, not just a showcase of excellently choreographed technique; there's also the moment when you're also able to experience the feelings of being near-death when the characters fought. Again, just personal preference man, just take it for granted
It's probably because I'm not experienced at third person view stories that I'm having trouble on relating myself with the characters on the story, so it's not really your fault for this~
overall I think it's pretty great like many of people here said, even though I can't really understand the story I applaud you for all the work you put on this entry, good job
P.S : my opinion was pretty much biased because English wasn't my native language and I got serious problem on comprehending detailed written works, so I'm sorry if there's many wrong things in what I said earlier
The emotional connection you mentioned is definitely a flaw I agree with fully and is something I actually aim to deliver when I write. I hate to use the "I was a moron and didn't have enough time to finish" excuses, but that's pretty much it on this aspect at least. But hell, even if I had the time to build on the scenes more and add more perspective and emotion I may still not have delivered the punch well enough.
I would love for ya to elaborate on not understanding the story. Another reader also had this mistake so it seems I indeed failed with the hints on what was going on. Would appreciate some more info on this one.
The rest of yer feedback I either say thank you for, or that I disagree with hehe. ^^
0
I have nothing much to add since I kind of skimmed it up, but if I had the liberty to do so I would read it slowly and slowly next time~
overall it's mostly about my fault, not yours, so please don't worry 'bout it and just ignore what I said earlier
overall it's mostly about my fault, not yours, so please don't worry 'bout it and just ignore what I said earlier
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
high_time wrote...
I have nothing much to add since I kind of skimmed it up, but if I had the liberty to do so I would read it slowly and slowly next time~overall it's mostly about my fault, not yours, so please don't worry 'bout it and just ignore what I said earlier
Well like I said, some I agree with fully others I indeed do not quite understand. It was a valid and interesting review and I deeply thank you for yer input and insight.
0
ah okay, your welcome about it~
that aside, I think many others are rooting for you to win and please at least look at the brighter side 'bout these =D
that aside, I think many others are rooting for you to win and please at least look at the brighter side 'bout these =D
0
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Holy moly, this is excellent. A real change of pace from what I am used to reading~ Once again, writers and their ability to produce such great material in what you call 'last minute' continues to amaze me.
Sometimes, the only way to communicate is through exchanging blows eh? I thought the fighting throughout the entire piece was really well done. You kept my attention the entire time, but at the same time I felt like I wanted more. With 2000 words to spend, I find myself in awe of your ability to articulate the action, but with little back-story, or like High was saying, the absence of being able to emotionally connect with the characters until the very last bit where I learned that they were fighting for the water,, I find myself wondering if you could have fleshed out your characters a bit more.
With such little space, by about halfway through, I remember thinking to myself, "This is really good, but is the entire piece going to be fighting?" Aside from fleshing out the characters, you might want to look into building the world a bit. It's clear the two characters are in the desert, but that isn't revealed until the very end, or the middle if we count the relentless sun as a hint. The crackling of dry land, the kicking up of dust, etc. I see that the girl has split the land at one point, but there are sand dunes by the time monstrosity shows up. There is quite the difference between a sand desert, and a desert simply drained of water, leaving nothing but hard, dry land. If you plan to build atmosphere without fleshing out the characters, you can engulf the reader in both the fight and the world they are in.
I gotta say, I was taken away by surprise. I did not 1.)Expect an entry full of fighting and 2.)Expect Xenon to be brawling. Really good stuff. I join those that encourage you to continue on with the story, or at least, continue to produce more writing~
Sometimes, the only way to communicate is through exchanging blows eh? I thought the fighting throughout the entire piece was really well done. You kept my attention the entire time, but at the same time I felt like I wanted more. With 2000 words to spend, I find myself in awe of your ability to articulate the action, but with little back-story, or like High was saying, the absence of being able to emotionally connect with the characters until the very last bit where I learned that they were fighting for the water,, I find myself wondering if you could have fleshed out your characters a bit more.
With such little space, by about halfway through, I remember thinking to myself, "This is really good, but is the entire piece going to be fighting?" Aside from fleshing out the characters, you might want to look into building the world a bit. It's clear the two characters are in the desert, but that isn't revealed until the very end, or the middle if we count the relentless sun as a hint. The crackling of dry land, the kicking up of dust, etc. I see that the girl has split the land at one point, but there are sand dunes by the time monstrosity shows up. There is quite the difference between a sand desert, and a desert simply drained of water, leaving nothing but hard, dry land. If you plan to build atmosphere without fleshing out the characters, you can engulf the reader in both the fight and the world they are in.
I gotta say, I was taken away by surprise. I did not 1.)Expect an entry full of fighting and 2.)Expect Xenon to be brawling. Really good stuff. I join those that encourage you to continue on with the story, or at least, continue to produce more writing~
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
xninebreaker wrote...
Holy moly, this is excellent. A real change of pace from what I am used to reading~ Once again, writers and their ability to produce such great material in what you call 'last minute' continues to amaze me.Sometimes, the only way to communicate is through exchanging blows eh? I thought the fighting throughout the entire piece was really well done. You kept my attention the entire time, but at the same time I felt like I wanted more. With 2000 words to spend, I find myself in awe of your ability to articulate the action, but with little back-story, or like High was saying, the absence of being able to emotionally connect with the characters until the very last bit where I learned that they were fighting for the water,, I find myself wondering if you could have fleshed out your characters a bit more.
With such little space, by about halfway through, I remember thinking to myself, "This is really good, but is the entire piece going to be fighting?" Aside from fleshing out the characters, you might want to look into building the world a bit. It's clear the two characters are in the desert, but that isn't revealed until the very end, or the middle if we count the relentless sun as a hint. The crackling of dry land, the kicking up of dust, etc. I see that the girl has split the land at one point, but there are sand dunes by the time monstrosity shows up. There is quite the difference between a sand desert, and a desert simply drained of water, leaving nothing but hard, dry land. If you plan to build atmosphere without fleshing out the characters, you can engulf the reader in both the fight and the world they are in.
I gotta say, I was taken away by surprise. I did not 1.)Expect an entry full of fighting and 2.)Expect Xenon to be brawling. Really good stuff. I join those that encourage you to continue on with the story, or at least, continue to produce more writing~
Most if not all of your criticism is right on the money and I had the exact same concerns as you do when I first posted this. I just lacked the time to properly edit and enhance the story like I wanted to. But I decided to still post it as I wanted to join in on the fun and not be a lazy ass as I usually am with this lol.
My normal writing where I have time to finish I usually get an opposite complain of me taking to much time fleshing out and explaining everything, so it is quite interesting to hear the opposite hehe. =)
I apologies for not posting a half finished work. As you noticed indeed I went the full battle route because of the time constraint. Originally I had planned to add about 500 more words into the mix or so for some other stuff.
BUT even if I had 20 more days I could still have done the exact same mistakes, so I will not deny that. Either way to hear your feedback only confirms the things I were aware of. It reinforces that I should try and spend more time working on it even if I am short for time the next time I attempt to write.
Like mentioned in a earlier post this takes place in a fictional world I have spent almost a decade constructing and I may introduce this world a little if I decide to post anything more taking place there.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and thank you for your honesty and feedback.
0
Its hard not to enjoy a good fight scene, I don't see it enough in writing so I was happy to see it in your work.
What threw me off has mostly already been said, slight confusion at the situation and you've already answered it so I won't bring it back up.
I wanted to see a little more of the characters themselves that's probably the only thing that got me.
I loved the fight scene and how strongly they were going after each other but I felt a little distant at it if that's the right phrase.
I understand these two are fighting (and the reason why later on) but what about them.
I would like to see them again so I can learn more about them.
What threw me off has mostly already been said, slight confusion at the situation and you've already answered it so I won't bring it back up.
I wanted to see a little more of the characters themselves that's probably the only thing that got me.
I loved the fight scene and how strongly they were going after each other but I felt a little distant at it if that's the right phrase.
I understand these two are fighting (and the reason why later on) but what about them.
I would like to see them again so I can learn more about them.