[Winter Contest Entry 2012] - The little things...

Yupp I 100% agree with your thoughts, I definitely lacked in some areas and I understood this going in. It is very nice to see that is being hammered in, I will work hard to ensure my next story has more of what I lacked this time around.

I will only add that my plan was to reveal very little about these two and instead make the reader decide based on what little is shown of em what sort of people they are. I have gotten several requests to reveal more of them and I am already contemplating a story in my head about the pair.

That was actually really good. I think it's my favorite out of the final poll choices. The action was intense and paced well, the universe drew me in and made me want more, and Medzy's a trap. Who knew? Anyways, I only spotted a couple grammatical errors that weren't serious and felt that there should have been at least a short dialogue to start off why they're fighting (although it's not really needed since you picked up in the middle of it). That's my two cents; and probably my vote.

Thanks for yer thoughts. =)
Definitely agree about the grammatical errors hehe.
I never wanted the fight to start with a dialogue as this was completely abrupt the way she suddenly just attacked Xenon without a single word being exchanged. This was to showcase her personality and also make the impact of their short conversation near the end more important.

Are we...in Avatarland?

OH BABY! SHIT'S GETTING INTENSE!

SHIT DID NOT DISAPPOINT, 9/10, ACTION NOVEL OF THE YEAR.

Zoomg thanks. =O
Big words if you mean the year 2013 as it has just begun haha.

I appreciate the compliments, thank you!

It's very easy to fall into the "choreographer's notebook" when writing action scenes and though some areas came close, you stayed out of that pit. Nicely done! I literally lolled at the water bottle.

Hehe thank you, I completly agree it is a delicate balance to not fall into that pit.
And yea exactly what I was going for with the water bottle, very happy it came through. =)

That was a really enjoyable piece of writing, well done Livided!

I must apologize, though, for not dropping my thoughts here till this really late stage of the competition.

First off, I have to say I was actually kept on the edge of my chair reading your story. Really impressive. Though those guys might say that they had troubles following the story, I find it really easy to understand it, and that's a good thing. To create such easy-to-understand AND deep-thought piece like this is really awesome.

The battle scene is very well-written, despite the amount of words used in the part at first glance. I actually wanted to write a fightting-fantasy driven story in the first place when I first start off my writing for the contest, but then after having considered many things if I had done it, I decided not to do it, then change it to the piece you can see now. One of many things I considered was the fact that I don't consider myself as a very good writer when it comes to describing battles and the like (Not that I'm great at other field either, haha). Both the first fight when Xenon and Medzy fought and the second one when the hounds appear were very great. I can clearly see the images of the fight in my head as I read. The action the characters did appear very lively, too. I may get look at your work as a reference if I decide to write a story which have fighting in it later, haha.

But then, like every other stories, there's upside and there's a downside for the story, too.

Starting off with grammatical errors. I can spot some wrong words and words that should not be used in the context of the story, but like Bearded Face's comment, it was actually insignificant. The only thing I would add to this matter here, it's that your use of commmas. Yes, commas. There were sentences which I can clearly see it needed commas in between the clauses of the line. I think you should work on it next time.

Other things, related to the story and the characters. First, why are they fighting for? I think you may think that you have explained in the previous posts in this topic, but when you really think about it, I find it quite strange, nevertheless. They are in a desert (though I can easily know where were they, I see some people have trouble seeing that not until the end), and they are looking for water. If that was the case, I think there's a lot of questions going on through my head right now.

"Why is there water bottle lying in the middle of nowhere?"

"They must have really been tired from days in the desert (But I think that a person is dead after not able to drink water from days, leave alone in the desert, too), then why do they fight, I think it can't do them any good?"

I don't think I have seen Xenon use his power, though I can see Medzy can easily squash him like a bug if she want to?

And one last thing, I don't personally think this piece have the in-depth concept just yet. I mean, like those guys, I had trouble emotionally sympathetic with the characters, simply because they appear as total strangers to us. I mean, all Xenon was, to me "a guy who appear in the story and fight but lose to girl". Who is him? You have to make those emotional backstory with him to really get the readers to "get" him, to really imagine our selves being within the story. Characters' development helps to get the in-depth characteristic that your characters, as I may be so rude, lack. Every good character has their life story, which is one of the main things that affects the behavior of the character, which will consequently lead to the next thing happens in the story. That's why I think you should develop your characters more.

Overall, I find this awesome and totally deserve the first place, it's not official yet, but everyone can see it already. I may not vote for you, though. No hard feelings! Sorry for the wordy review and if you find it in the pain in the ass to read it :P Also sorry in advance if I sound critic-ish at some points, although I'm not that good and, apparently, lost the first round.

I like the setting and the world you have created, and I would love to see how will you turn this piece into in the future. So if you decided to upload anything here, remember to drop me a line, if not too much trouble? I'm really looking forward to hearing some great news and reading some great story from you.

I agree with the grammar errors of course, even if I had more time to work on it, commas are one of my weaknesses. So you are absolutely spot on with this.

The idea behind the water bottle, let me respond.

These two have had their own separate stories up till this encounter, the reader will imagine what has brought em to the middle of a desert and why? Wandering for days and running out of water and supplies they both at the exact same time (coincidence?) meet in the middle of nowhere and in between them spot a water bottle half buried in the sand...
Is there still water inside? Is the water bottle even real? Neither can afford to doubt the possibility of finally be able to drink and so with their last ounce of strength jump at it and get into a fight over it.

This was sort of the idea I was going for. I was inspired to write these two characters by the names alone and I have already begun preparations to make room for them in my novel series "Tales of Ventera" where more information and back story will be given.

Consider this a small tease of two chars where you use your own imagination of what subtext lies beneath both of the chars. Both will have their own story, either together or separate.

What I am working on now is to decide WHEN, WHERE and of course HOW that will happen.

Also about Xenon, he used his powers quite a bit, as made a lot of smoking corpses and burned Medzy quite badly. And yes, if Medzy caught Xenon she could crush him with her gauntlet hands without much difficulty.

Lastly you were hardly critical, at least not in a bad way. For each of yer "negative" feedback you provided very insightful reasoning behind it which can only help me become a better writer. I deeply appreciate you taking the time to write such a long review, thank you.
I respond in kind with a long response of my own. =)

Yeah, I can understand the idea behind the bottle a little bit clearer now. And those two's story is what I would like to see in the piece.

Sorry, I think I was half-asleep when I wrote this, Xenon surely did use his burning power in the story.

I would really like to see how it will turn out. Are you gonna up it here on Fakku? Novel series... Sound really big, as in professional writer big, haha. I'm planning to do one myself, actually, but maybe it'll take some more time, hmmm. Notify me if you up something, okay?

P/S: And the name "Tales of Ventera" reminds of a game series, you know which one, haha.

Gatta say right of the bat, I am faaaaaaaar from a professional writer hehe, have not even gone to school for any writing education. I have just been working on it as a hobby since I was 15. =P

And yea I might, at the very least gatta write up and post the story/stories of Xenon and Medzy.

And sure will definitely let ya know if something goes down!