Rbz Posts
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
...Oh my god. I forgot ALL ABOUT THIS until now. I'm late by like 4 days.
I, AssasinZAssasin would like to lay claim to Aurica Nestmile as my Third Reyvateil Partner from "Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia" Also known as "Ar Tonelico: The Girl Who Sings at the End of The World".
Sorry I took so long, my dear Aurica! But I'm finally here to get you!
She's a Class D Reyvateil in the 3rd generation Reyvateils. Although Class D Reyvateils are generally poorer in ability, she won't lose in feelings for her partner when singing for him! And I'd clear her cosmosphere anytime...As long as it eases her pain.
She's a very shy girl who is very distrustful of humans because of what happened to her during her childhood...She's just an innocent, tortured soul...trapped and waiting to be rescued.
She can only live to be 15 to 20 years of age unless she takes the Diliquity crystal which hurts a lot...I'd administer it with loving care anytime!
Though, she can be a ditz and she gives some really weird names to things, but...She's a devoted, loving girl. She relies a lot on her love, and I wouldn't mind it at all!
Her dream was to become the holy maiden of the church, but after meeting the love of her life, She decided to make music boxes with him, together, forever.
"I want to be with you, forever. Even with my past, body and being a Reyvateil...If I knew I had to choose all of those to meet you, I wouldn't hesitate. Thank you. I've been meaning to tell you that for a long time."
-Aurica
You can't help but love her, right? I just want to hug her, rub her head and tell her that everything will be all right, that I would protect her forever.
I, AssasinZAssasin would like to lay claim to Aurica Nestmile as my Third Reyvateil Partner from "Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia" Also known as "Ar Tonelico: The Girl Who Sings at the End of The World".
Sorry I took so long, my dear Aurica! But I'm finally here to get you!
She's a Class D Reyvateil in the 3rd generation Reyvateils. Although Class D Reyvateils are generally poorer in ability, she won't lose in feelings for her partner when singing for him! And I'd clear her cosmosphere anytime...As long as it eases her pain.
She's a very shy girl who is very distrustful of humans because of what happened to her during her childhood...She's just an innocent, tortured soul...trapped and waiting to be rescued.
She can only live to be 15 to 20 years of age unless she takes the Diliquity crystal which hurts a lot...I'd administer it with loving care anytime!
Though, she can be a ditz and she gives some really weird names to things, but...She's a devoted, loving girl. She relies a lot on her love, and I wouldn't mind it at all!
Her dream was to become the holy maiden of the church, but after meeting the love of her life, She decided to make music boxes with him, together, forever.
"I want to be with you, forever. Even with my past, body and being a Reyvateil...If I knew I had to choose all of those to meet you, I wouldn't hesitate. Thank you. I've been meaning to tell you that for a long time."
-Aurica
You can't help but love her, right? I just want to hug her, rub her head and tell her that everything will be all right, that I would protect her forever.
Spoiler:
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Spoiler:
Welp, I'd love to see that, Haha. A crazy plot made even crazier? That'd be a thing to behold.
But really, I generally am only on here for contests and such, I post on fanfiction for my ongoing fics.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
I don't REEEAAALLLYYYY care THAT much...As long as it's good.
But I generally watch ones with people around teenage times to make it slightly more...nostalgic, perhaps?
I dunno. Like, High school settings mostly have them at teenagers, right? And yet, also in Hentai, they're all 18+...so...
But I generally watch ones with people around teenage times to make it slightly more...nostalgic, perhaps?
I dunno. Like, High school settings mostly have them at teenagers, right? And yet, also in Hentai, they're all 18+...so...
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Spoiler:
Haha, Harsh.
But well, I can definitely see where you're coming from. I was kind of pressed for time, and I was kind of wondering how to fill the middle part so I just went ahead and put references, which kind of made no real sense whatsoever, anyhow.
Hmm. You are a bit blunt, But i always appreciate your critique. Haha. This WAS rushed. And i'm never really good at portraying a sad end as much as a happy end so, Well, you know. Hah, Excuses.
Hmm. Well, what can i say? It's not as well developed or structured or, hell, as inspired as my previous works. Inspiration plays a big part in the success of a story too, IMO. Man, I just wish there was a contest for Valentines Day or something, because I think i'd have a good piece for that. (I tend to fare better writing romancey mushy stuff)
Haha. In all the contests I entered, I was most proud of my first one. That one was really inspired and taken from a piece I am still considering possibly trying to publish in future. Hmm. The second one was a bit...uninspired but i tried to go with it. The third one was pretty decent IMO. This one is downright horrible. I might have been drunk off tiredness, if that's what you mean.
Anyway, screw it, I'll do better next time, hopefully. Sorry fer, well, wasting your time. Maybe some people are even more bored than you that they'd think this was better than doing nothing, but haha that doesn't help at all.
Yup. Not at all.
Hmm. I feel like i'm rambling. Anyway, To summarize, I'm not so petty as to hate you for honest criticism, even if you are...well, amazingly blunt. I admit, it did hurt a bit to read it, but well, it's for my own improvement so i appreciate it. you wrote it at the risk of me hating you, which in the end wasn't even a risk because i'm not that much of a petty person.
Welp. Now that i think about it i could have developed it better. I suppose. I need to go brush up my skills, I can't publish shit like this and expect to earn anything.
I suppose I won't really be on here anymore for a while til the next contest, so have fun I suppose.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
Here I am having my spirit washing down the drain pipe because I failed once again T_TGood luck to the people who are in this poll, and congratulate the ones who have passed the first, FGRaptor, HumbugsAssociate and mibuchiha. I have read their entries and they sure are deserved to advance.
Hey man, Don't let it get you down. I mean, There's always next time (Might sound like a stupid consolation, but...) We can always improve and try again next time, yeah?
I mean, Look at my crap entry this year. I definitely could have done better, And so i am in the midst of regret, kind of. But I figured i oughta start reposting on Fanfiction again (updating) and improving so that I can make a success like the first time I made the finals back in...er, few years ago.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
That's nice. Playing games for charity.
I'd do that too if I had the skill to speedrun anything, but I'm just a casual gamer, haha.
I'd do that too if I had the skill to speedrun anything, but I'm just a casual gamer, haha.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Hmm. Congrats to those who made it past poll 1~
and of course, best of luck to those in poll 2 as well! Let's hope all your work on the story pays off.
and of course, best of luck to those in poll 2 as well! Let's hope all your work on the story pays off.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Hmm. Well, Good luck, guys.
Haha, I just wish I wrote a better piece now that I see myself in the polls. But oh well, no one to blame but myself. I'll improve and hopefully do better the next time.
Haha, I just wish I wrote a better piece now that I see myself in the polls. But oh well, no one to blame but myself. I'll improve and hopefully do better the next time.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Looks Like i'm not in this one...
If i have time I'll vote after a quick read/review of the works listed...
If i have time I'll vote after a quick read/review of the works listed...
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
With this many Fakku Writers around now, we should hold a contest between these recognized and talented writers, one of these days.What does one need to accomplish to be one of those "Recognized" or "Talented" writers, though? That qualification sounds a bit...vague.
I think a contest like this is fine, new talent is always welcome too.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
leonard267 wrote...
Make it more nonsensical! This is leonard267 writing! Will be parodying your entry very soon perhaps by the day after tomorrow! So many entries...You go ahead and make it nonsensical, then, yeah?
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Well...Sometimes I get bored beyond belief and have nothing else I feel like doing, nothing like booting up a nice game to pass the time.
That or I've recently started a new game/series that I just HAVE to finish.
That or I've recently started a new game/series that I just HAVE to finish.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
I truly haven't been on here in ages, haha.
And yeah, I was wondering if Rise might put out any stories, But i guess not, this time.
Welp, Good luck to all in the contest!
And yeah, I was wondering if Rise might put out any stories, But i guess not, this time.
Welp, Good luck to all in the contest!
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
FGRaptor wrote...
Winter... Winter never changes.But maybe AZA’s writing does? Has it taken a turn for the worse? I do remember your entry from last year, which I liked a lot. I think the writing was more proficient then. With your choice of words and sentence structure this story seems lazier and more rushed.
I won’t go into detail regarding grammar since I’ve done a lot of that today, feel free to look at my other feedback comments if you care. The issues here are mostly sentence structure and choice of words – it reads like a piece that’s been rushed out. There are repetitions (I did, I did, I did – which is an issue of the first-person narrator, but it can be circumvented), and strange capitalizations throughout. Some words are in full caps, some are capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
It also feels fragmented overall. After almost every sentence is a line break, slowing down the flow of the text.
I found his wish for a white Christmas quite amusing. He cursed in the enticing intro and when I read the wish a few paragraphs down I couldn’t help but laugh, since I knew he was going to regret this later.
The story is structured well and the protagonist is fairly well developed, though more details could help paint a better picture. You say he replies to Mark, whose message was just like him – this tells us something about Mark (I somehow knew what was gonna happen), but we don’t see our protagonist’s reply – which would have told us something about him. He also says his girlfriend is a †˜lovely girl’ – tell us how she is lovely. Knowing why he finds her lovely tells us not just about her, but also about him.
Final Thoughts:
So, has it gotten worse? Was it horrible? I don’t think so. This was an enjoyable read – at least until the end. I have to agree that the ending is not very well done. It doesn’t really make much sense for him to die. I don’t mind a bad ending, but this one just feels a bit lazy.
Stylistically not much has changed from last year’s entry. This story does however feel more rushed as I mentioned above. It could be more concise and more detailed. The dialogue and the middle part in general also felt a bit unreal. While I like the idea of referencing your stories, it somehow broke up the vision I had of this story a bit. The dialogue also felt forced, but this was partly true for the entire piece. Especially in the middle the protagonist seems to be overly happy, which we are told basically in every sentence.
But winter never changes.
Yup. I guess that was the biggest problem for me, There was word limit and also I barely had time to really do much with this due to how busy I am. I'll probably have to get back into the writing groove and update my Fanfics more to improve.
Still, I really appreciate the review. It's great to see someone noticed exactly what I was wondering. That some parts were just bad.
But, Well, you liked the starting? That's great. The middle part was just for fun, mostly, And was kind of setting up how he was going to get his happiness totally crushed so much that he turns suicidal.
But yes, I knew that ending was nonsensical. I didn't know what to do with it, TBH.
And Yeah I suppose i missed out some details I could have added, and again i would blame the word limit but i guess it's also my own incompetence.
Hmm. If only I could get a contest with a good theme...One that actually gave me true inspiration. That would be awesome, kind of like the original first contest i entered.
But welp, Doesn't matter, thanks a lot for the review. I'll keep the words in mind for next time.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Maybe. I am a self proclaimed VN expert so maybe bad ends influenced me of some sort.
And yes, when i originally planned this i was thinking of doing a happy end too. But then i realised i already covered the "Companionship" feeling in my previous story, So i just decided to give it a bad end.
Yes, Thanks for the opinion. I tried my best to convey his feelings without being too...overbearing. And quite possibly that too, I mostly write mushy nice happy Vanilla stories. But this was an...interesting writing experience. I might do more haha.
Thanks.
your welcome. I for myself believe that the change of tone and feel in the writing will be a refreshing experience when you're not overdoing it too much and just take it easy =D
will look forward to more of yours in the future. for now, no need to rush and just keep your own comfortable pace.
Much thanks, And i shall endeavour to do so.
If i ever have the time, i'll be sure to check yours out...If i can.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Hmm. This is one work I would put in the category of: Letting my writing brain take over my hand movements and just letting it flow. The end result?
...No idea.
I think the biggest problem I had with this was that the ending didn't really seem to fit. Like, it's nonsensical to have him just die off like that...
But I have to say I really love the part where I referenced all 3 of my previous stories. The one with Claire the homeless girl, Sora the transforming cat, and Snowy, the companion dog.
All 3 guys found their own brand of happiness...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
well I think there's the thing called Bad Endings in VN's. maybe your entry took that peculiar turn. I myself did not have a distaste for bad ends, and it gives a refreshing tone amidst the usually happy stuff commonly found.
in my opinion, it was somehow successful in giving some impact and feel about what the MC was going through. maybe it's because of your preference to vanilla stuff where everyone ends happy, that you find it much to your distaste.
don't worry about it too much.
Maybe. I am a self proclaimed VN expert so maybe bad ends influenced me of some sort.
And yes, when i originally planned this i was thinking of doing a happy end too. But then i realised i already covered the "Companionship" feeling in my previous story, So i just decided to give it a bad end.
Yes, Thanks for the opinion. I tried my best to convey his feelings without being too...overbearing. And quite possibly that too, I mostly write mushy nice happy Vanilla stories. But this was an...interesting writing experience. I might do more haha.
Thanks.
leonard267 wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
I agree with High. This is the entry that I enjoyed the most because it has a bad ending and it is a trifle absurd as well thus it felt like one of my monologues.
I say absurd because it appears that the moral of the story is "I should get a girlfriend so that I don't die of the cold". I feel however that the moral of the story is, "You need to dress up for the winter so that you won't die from the cold". Most likely, there is no moral to this story at all just like my monologues!
You should make it more absurd Assassin. You must join the dark side. I can suggest improvements:
Start off by saying that you have no girlfriend and you are wandering around the city with your boxers on due to the emotional trauma.
I first saw a couple behaving immodestly. Some may call it a form of love. I call that being stoned and asking to be stoned.
I then saw a sadomasochistic couple full of drivel about their master-slave relationship. Some may call it a form of love. I call it sadomasochism. May they die attempting kinky sex!
Finally I saw a man with his dog. Some may call it a form of love. I call it downright bestiality!
When are you going to do an obligatory 1000 word review of my excellent entry Assassin? I know that you are obliged to go for New Year parties but I like to see your reaction to what I write.
I never planned a moral ending, unlike my first entry with John and Claire (Edit: enchanced ver. changed his name).
I can't make it too absurd, it goes against my principles haha. That's why i was really bothered, it was just too absurd.
Besides I can't very well copy you completely LOLZ. And about those "improvements"? Pfft. The 2 couples and one person with the dog are REFERENCES to my previous works.
Wil and Claire - The Greatest Gift (Ench.)
Man and Sora - Where we are least alone
Man and Dog(Snowy) - A lil thing called companionship
Seriously dude? That first one? Makes him some kind of emo cynic pfft.
Master-Slave? Er, Sora IS a cat(girl). Technically he "Owns" her as a pet.
The one with the dog? gods, it's just a pet. Bestiality, REALLY? X.x
But well it suits you, i suppose. You can go ahead and do that haha. I'm fine being halfway submerged in darkness. And half Light. Makes me feel like i've achieved equilibrium.
Still, i appreciate the review.
And about your piece...Er...When I get time. I rushed this piece out in about an hour or so.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
high_time wrote...
well, if what you posted right now was bad, I don't know how good will be your 'good' is.honestly I have no problem reading things through from the start to end, probably much better than the previous attempts, I think.
the story was somehow related to the previous stories so I could get the big picture of it. in the end, it fits quite well with the theme and no issues with the writing itself. so yeah, well done.
Hmm. This is one work I would put in the category of: Letting my writing brain take over my hand movements and just letting it flow. The end result?
...No idea.
I think the biggest problem I had with this was that the ending didn't really seem to fit. Like, it's nonsensical to have him just die off like that...
But I have to say I really love the part where I referenced all 3 of my previous stories. The one with Claire the homeless girl, Sora the transforming cat, and Snowy, the companion dog.
All 3 guys found their own brand of happiness...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Been forever since I visited this place.
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-cold-winter
So...Before you read it, Fair warning...
It's absolutely ridiculous and probably doesn't make sense.
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-cold-winter
So...Before you read it, Fair warning...
It's absolutely ridiculous and probably doesn't make sense.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
To be honest, I have no idea what I wrote for you guys.
In fact, I feel myself that it's downright lousy. I really have not been writing for a long time and I feel like my writing quality has taken a turn, a BAD turn.
In fact, you might be scratching your head by the end thinking 'Just what in the world were you thinking, AZA?' or something, Hah.
Not even mentioning passing round 1 in this contest, I just joined for fun. I haven't been on here for ages after all. Some R&R is enough for me than placing anywhere.
It gets like...Super predictable at some point about what will happen.
(The middle part are just references to my previous works)
Still, I'd appreciate your thoughts on it, even if it's criticism, haha. It's just...BAD. But if it's bad, why am i posting it? Who knows, I might be high today.
WARNING: What you are about to read is absolutely ridiculous, and I claim no responsibility for damages whatsoever to your precious brain XD.
Not counting "The End", it should be about 1998 words. This includes the title so without the title it would be 1996 words.
So, Horrible, right? What was I thinking? Predictable to the end, too, seriously. If you actually read it...Haha, thanks.
I just hope none of my known followers read this. They'd be like "What Happened to you, AZA? What happened to the legendary(my friends called me this before) author?"
Haha...Sorry guys.
In fact, I feel myself that it's downright lousy. I really have not been writing for a long time and I feel like my writing quality has taken a turn, a BAD turn.
In fact, you might be scratching your head by the end thinking 'Just what in the world were you thinking, AZA?' or something, Hah.
Not even mentioning passing round 1 in this contest, I just joined for fun. I haven't been on here for ages after all. Some R&R is enough for me than placing anywhere.
It gets like...Super predictable at some point about what will happen.
(The middle part are just references to my previous works)
Still, I'd appreciate your thoughts on it, even if it's criticism, haha. It's just...BAD. But if it's bad, why am i posting it? Who knows, I might be high today.
WARNING: What you are about to read is absolutely ridiculous, and I claim no responsibility for damages whatsoever to your precious brain XD.
Spoiler:
Not counting "The End", it should be about 1998 words. This includes the title so without the title it would be 1996 words.
So, Horrible, right? What was I thinking? Predictable to the end, too, seriously. If you actually read it...Haha, thanks.
I just hope none of my known followers read this. They'd be like "What Happened to you, AZA? What happened to the legendary(my friends called me this before) author?"
Haha...Sorry guys.
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
luinthoron wrote...
Nice, thank you! And congratulations to the other winners! :DYo congrats, And also congrats to all the other winners.
And more contests like that would be cool, who would say no to a free lotto, right?
