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For all you troubled guys (and gals)..

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Chlor
16 years ago
First of, I have to thank you and Garth for the advice, this is actually more helpful than I thought it would be. (And Garth, no you don't suck... What's more constructive than telling a story from personal experience?)

For the moves she basically does all the stuff that Garth listed; the hugging, the stroking the arm, the peck on the cheek, the compliments and holding hands. She calls me regularly, not only because she feels she have to talk about something, just to check up on me and see how everything is going, what i've been up. I don't know if it's just me being naive, taking these things as trying to make a move.

As for the nutjob part. I can't tell for sure how "insane" this girl is. As I haven't seen that side of her, and the only ones I've heard it from is her ex-BF or people backing him up. Yes I said that she has issues, but doesn't everyone? And aren't the faults of a person really the parts that make them who they are?
I feel that if i'll go wait for that perfect non-moldy banana I'm in for a long, long wait. And as I posted in the "Life is Simple" thread my belief tells me that true love can be found anywhere, and that I shouldn't miss it when it appears.
Where I see a confused, sweet, independent girl, my friend see a... nutjob...

So simply put. You guys tell me to wait, my friends tell me to give her up (Basically, since most of them doesn't know I'm interested in her.) And i'm afraid to do both, but also afraid to mess things up if I go for it.
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LostQuartet
16 years ago
Spoiler:
Chlor wrote...
First of, I have to thank you and Garth for the advice, this is actually more helpful than I thought it would be. (And Garth, no you don't suck... What's more constructive than telling a story from personal experience?)

For the moves she basically does all the stuff that Garth listed; the hugging, the stroking the arm, the peck on the cheek, the compliments and holding hands. She calls me regularly, not only because she feels she have to talk about something, just to check up on me and see how everything is going, what i've been up. I don't know if it's just me being naive, taking these things as trying to make a move.

As for the nutjob part. I can't tell for sure how "insane" this girl is. As I haven't seen that side of her, and the only ones I've heard it from is her ex-BF or people backing him up. Yes I said that she has issues, but doesn't everyone? And aren't the faults of a person really the parts that make them who they are?
I feel that if i'll go wait for that perfect non-moldy banana I'm in for a long, long wait. And as I posted in the "Life is Simple" thread my belief tells me that true love can be found anywhere, and that I shouldn't miss it when it appears.
Where I see a confused, sweet, independent girl, my friend see a... nutjob...

So simply put. You guys tell me to wait, my friends tell me to give her up (Basically, since most of them doesn't know I'm interested in her.) And i'm afraid to do both, but also afraid to mess things up if I go for it.


You're welcome. Yes, Granth you do not suck. :]

Yes, it seems that she likes you from what you've said. I would say she is making moves on you.

Ahh. So, your friends may just be saying she's insane? You are completely correct in saying that those faults also make the person who they are. Everyone has issues, but a complete "psychotic bitch" is different.

It WOULD be a very long, long wait. Everyone is looking for their perfect non-moldy banana, but as I said before, a moldy, insane banana is different. If you truly want to go for it, go for it. I would still wait a little longer to make sure that she is completely over your friend, then move in.

I hope I helped!
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Chlor
16 years ago
It really helped... I think. I have to get some time and think things over for a bit.

As pointed the "psychotic-bitch" part was a quote from my dear friend that do not approve of my attraction to the girl. It's his opinion, not mine. Yes, my friends might just be saying that she's insane. As I haven't really noticed anything of the sort.

Yeah... I think I will wait to. Just to make sure she is over him. That really sounds like a good start. If things don't work out, i'll just keep on waiting for my mold-free banana(I love the banana metaphor btw.) to show up.

Big thanks to you.
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Homac
16 years ago
Variety is the spice of life. Sometimes having a relationship with someone who turns out to be completely psychotic can help you avoid those relationships later on in life. Sadly I do speak from experience.
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Granth
16 years ago
Chlor wrote...
First of, I have to thank you and Garth for the advice

Lol I are Garth.

I'll spoiler this. In case you want to read it, it's just me going through scenarios. (Love is not written, yet I fail at not making scenarios.) But if you follow Lost Q's advice you'll probably do fine.
Spoiler:
Chlor wrote...
For the moves she basically does all the stuff that Garth listed; the hugging, the stroking the arm, the peck on the cheek, the compliments and holding hands. She calls me regularly, not only because she feels she have to talk about something, just to check up on me and see how everything is going, what i've been up. I don't know if it's just me being naive, taking these things as trying to make a move.

Well those things would certainly classify as being flirts, at least in a non-emotional (as when she's crying or something) context. Normally (at least not with guypals) a girl doesn't really tend to do that (except if she was a really clingy girl), because they don't want to give the wrong impression. So I'd say there is something there.

But as Lost Q said, it's very soon after her break up. Chances are that she's either using you, or is trying to use you to "fill up the void". As downright awful that may sound it is a possibility, and she might just be using you.

But for now let's shove aside the negative possibilities and assume that, yes she does like you. Considering the small amount of time between her last break up I'll go and assume that your friend is going to blame you or is going to despise you for "getting it with his ex", because that's just how men tend to be. They tend to act like they're over someone just to look tough and to disguise the fact that they aren't over them yet. This MIGHT NOT happen but chances are it can happen, how are you going to deal with that?

Are you willing to get into a fight with your friend about it? Or are you willing to ditch the thought of having a chance with her because you don't want to risk getting into a fight with him?

NOW, other scenario.

Let's assume she isn't REALLY into you and is basically just randomly flirting with you because she's not over/getting over her boyfriend. This is something that's hard to figure out, especially since it's only been a week. If this were going on for weeks then it would be much safer to say that she genuinely is into you. So it's hard to confront her with it just yet because it's been so soon, so asking her is she's serious isn't the best choice because chances are she isn't. Then again waiting it out will be hard for you because once you expect that there's something you'll naturally want to make something out of it...

But acting too soon might make everything come crashing down. But waiting too long might make it appear as if you're not interested. But then again if you confronted her with it now it might be too soon and she didn't mean it in that way just yet... But waiting it out is hard because you expect something, and you want to find out-...

See where I'm going with this?

I'd say the safest thing to do right about now, in my opinion after all. Is to gently return them, don't make it too obvious but respond in a similar way. Try to find out if she's considering dating again, don't stress the fact on you or anything just in general. It's hard figuring out whether she's still interested in him, but there should be some clues if you look hard enough. Basically as hard as it is you'll have to sit it out a while, but don't neglect her. If she really is into you, you can use the time to build up your relationship. And eventually after some time has passed things will be more certain and appropriate. If you play along chances are she might make a move before you, but let's not assume that she will for your own safety. Time will tell whether she's serious about it or not (seeing as you are somewhat serious about her).

That can result in either your sadness, or your happiness.

Chlor wrote...
As for the nutjob part. I can't tell for sure how "insane" this girl is. As I haven't seen that side of her, and the only ones I've heard it from is her ex-BF or people backing him up. Yes I said that she has issues, but doesn't everyone? And aren't the faults of a person really the parts that make them who they are?
I feel that if i'll go wait for that perfect non-moldy banana I'm in for a long, long wait. And as I posted in the "Life is Simple" thread my belief tells me that true love can be found anywhere, and that I shouldn't miss it when it appears.
Where I see a confused, sweet, independent girl, my friend see a... nutjob...

So simply put. You guys tell me to wait, my friends tell me to give her up (Basically, since most of them doesn't know I'm interested in her.) And i'm afraid to do both, but also afraid to mess things up if I go for it.

If I could get a buck for every time I've heard somebody say there ex was a nutjob, then I'd be quite a few bucks richer. Don't buy into that, everyone has their weird side, that's just how people are. I have yet to meet somebody who's weird side was dominant that it made me want to stay away from him/her.

Well your friends tell her to give her up because:
1. They think she's a nutjob.
2. She's your friend's ex, and it would be awkward for them so they don't want you being with her.
3. They probably don't like her anymore because they believe she's a bad person for what happened between her and her ex, because they support her ex (your friend).

Overal it's a quite a hard situation, I doubt your other friends (aside from her ex) will give you a hard time if you're serious enough but what concerns me is them telling your friend (her ex) and that resulting in a fight and much drama.

For her case, time will somewhat tell if she's serious about you or not. Just don't try to seem like you're desperate for her, because she'll notice... For sure.


(A big ass long post and still I feel like I've done nothing but give shallow empty words of advice lol. :S

I am the sucky love doctor.)
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LostQuartet
16 years ago
Chlor wrote...
It really helped... I think. I have to get some time and think things over for a bit.

As pointed the "psychotic-bitch" part was a quote from my dear friend that do not approve of my attraction to the girl. It's his opinion, not mine. Yes, my friends might just be saying that she's insane. As I haven't really noticed anything of the sort.

Yeah... I think I will wait to. Just to make sure she is over him. That really sounds like a good start. If things don't work out, i'll just keep on waiting for my mold-free banana(I love the banana metaphor btw.) to show up.

Big thanks to you.


It's always good to think about things... Yet I'm an impulse person so I shouldn't be saying anything.

Exactly. Since you've never witnessed such behavior, they may be exaggerating.

Great! Haha. I didn't know whether you'd like that banana metaphor. Either you'd think I was an idiot or you'd love it. Glad you like it. :]

You're most welcome!

Granth, your other post just took everything else that I wanted to say. Haha.
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Chlor
16 years ago
Granth wrote...
Chlor wrote...
First of, I have to thank you and Garth for the advice

Lol I are Garth.

I'll spoiler this. In case you want to read it, it's just me going through scenarios. (Love is not written, yet I fail at not making scenarios.) But if you follow Lost Q's advice you'll probably do fine.
Spoiler:
Chlor wrote...
For the moves she basically does all the stuff that Garth listed; the hugging, the stroking the arm, the peck on the cheek, the compliments and holding hands. She calls me regularly, not only because she feels she have to talk about something, just to check up on me and see how everything is going, what i've been up. I don't know if it's just me being naive, taking these things as trying to make a move.

Well those things would certainly classify as being flirts, at least in a non-emotional (as when she's crying or something) context. Normally (at least not with guypals) a girl doesn't really tend to do that (except if she was a really clingy girl), because they don't want to give the wrong impression. So I'd say there is something there.

But as Lost Q said, it's very soon after her break up. Chances are that she's either using you, or is trying to use you to "fill up the void". As downright awful that may sound it is a possibility, and she might just be using you.

But for now let's shove aside the negative possibilities and assume that, yes she does like you. Considering the small amount of time between her last break up I'll go and assume that your friend is going to blame you or is going to despise you for "getting it with his ex", because that's just how men tend to be. They tend to act like they're over someone just to look tough and to disguise the fact that they aren't over them yet. This MIGHT NOT happen but chances are it can happen, how are you going to deal with that?

Are you willing to get into a fight with your friend about it? Or are you willing to ditch the thought of having a chance with her because you don't want to risk getting into a fight with him?

NOW, other scenario.

Let's assume she isn't REALLY into you and is basically just randomly flirting with you because she's not over/getting over her boyfriend. This is something that's hard to figure out, especially since it's only been a week. If this were going on for weeks then it would be much safer to say that she genuinely is into you. So it's hard to confront her with it just yet because it's been so soon, so asking her is she's serious isn't the best choice because chances are she isn't. Then again waiting it out will be hard for you because once you expect that there's something you'll naturally want to make something out of it...

But acting too soon might make everything come crashing down. But waiting too long might make it appear as if you're not interested. But then again if you confronted her with it now it might be too soon and she didn't mean it in that way just yet... But waiting it out is hard because you expect something, and you want to find out-...

See where I'm going with this?

I'd say the safest thing to do right about now, in my opinion after all. Is to gently return them, don't make it too obvious but respond in a similar way. Try to find out if she's considering dating again, don't stress the fact on you or anything just in general. It's hard figuring out whether she's still interested in him, but there should be some clues if you look hard enough. Basically as hard as it is you'll have to sit it out a while, but don't neglect her. If she really is into you, you can use the time to build up your relationship. And eventually after some time has passed things will be more certain and appropriate. If you play along chances are she might make a move before you, but let's not assume that she will for your own safety. Time will tell whether she's serious about it or not (seeing as you are somewhat serious about her).

That can result in either your sadness, or your happiness.

Chlor wrote...
As for the nutjob part. I can't tell for sure how "insane" this girl is. As I haven't seen that side of her, and the only ones I've heard it from is her ex-BF or people backing him up. Yes I said that she has issues, but doesn't everyone? And aren't the faults of a person really the parts that make them who they are?
I feel that if i'll go wait for that perfect non-moldy banana I'm in for a long, long wait. And as I posted in the "Life is Simple" thread my belief tells me that true love can be found anywhere, and that I shouldn't miss it when it appears.
Where I see a confused, sweet, independent girl, my friend see a... nutjob...

So simply put. You guys tell me to wait, my friends tell me to give her up (Basically, since most of them doesn't know I'm interested in her.) And i'm afraid to do both, but also afraid to mess things up if I go for it.

If I could get a buck for every time I've heard somebody say there ex was a nutjob, then I'd be quite a few bucks richer. Don't buy into that, everyone has their weird side, that's just how people are. I have yet to meet somebody who's weird side was dominant that it made me want to stay away from him/her.

Well your friends tell her to give her up because:
1. They think she's a nutjob.
2. She's your friend's ex, and it would be awkward for them so they don't want you being with her.
3. They probably don't like her anymore because they believe she's a bad person for what happened between her and her ex, because they support her ex (your friend).

Overal it's a quite a hard situation, I doubt your other friends (aside from her ex) will give you a hard time if you're serious enough but what concerns me is them telling your friend (her ex) and that resulting in a fight and much drama.

For her case, time will somewhat tell if she's serious about you or not. Just don't try to seem like you're desperate for her, because she'll notice... For sure.


(A big ass long post and still I feel like I've done nothing but give shallow empty words of advice lol. :S

I am the sucky love doctor.)


Woah! Perspectives...
Now that I've slept on it, and spent most of my morning thinking about this (Not nearly enough time) I feel that I should take your advice and wait. Since I don't want to move to fast, nor to slow. But I certainly don't want to mess things up with my friend. (Although, there is a third friend that I think would react the strongest, as I believe that this would be severely breaking his "Bro Code")

As for returning her gestures in a discreet, non-desperate way feels like it will be hard. But I guess I'll go with the flow and hope for the best on that one. As you noted, time will probably tell what she feels for me. And all I can do then is that it turns out for the best.

Lol I are Garth.

Sorry, I honestly thought your name was Garth... I apologize and blame it on lack of sleep. (Had been going strong for 30h when I posted my last post)
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Dante1214
16 years ago
LostQuartet wrote...
Spoiler:
@Polter
I sent a message to Zeph about the club.

Why are you starting to hate girls? Unless you plan on playing for the other team (which is totally acceptable and I in no way intend to offend anyone who does), then how are you going to "get rid of them out of [your] system"? That's ridiculous.

@Dante1214
I agree with your first two sentences. Women as a whole are not terrible. If you want to look at that way, I could say men are equally terrible. But people in general can be terrible. It's not just a certain gender or race.

@ThorW
Hello fellow advice-giver. :] I PM'd Zeph about your suggestion.

Thank you! I will try to give the best advice I can.

@mwong04
I promise not to try and track you down. Lol.

First of all, sending her multiple links to youtube and chatting with her on facebook does not constitute as flirting or hitting on her. Please understand that. That isn't beside the point. It's a very good point that I needed to know. You are not letting her know that you like her by doing those two things. If those are the only things you've done, I doubt she knows you like her. Second of all, unless you two are the closest as friends can be and you two know everything about each other, I can't honestly believe that you love her. You may be attracted to her looks and her personality, but the way you've described it seems that it is simply that and not love.

"Sealing the deal" takes time. It's like a game. You need to know what the game is and how it's played to win.

You can't just tell her "I love you and I think we should go out". It'd freak the girl out and (hopefully) you know this. Get to know her more. Start by having casual conversations (in class if you are in highschool or college). Work your up by having longer conversations and deeper ones. This takes time. Not what you want to hear (or read), but it's true. Good relationships have a foundation of friendship that supports it. Become friends with the girl. You didn't describe your relationship with her so I can't really speculate on exactly what to do right now. If you reply with how your relationship is, I'll be able to give better "instructions".

I'm glad you posted! Reply and I will be able to type up much more! Even with this one reply, I hope it helped even a little. Thank you for posting!


I said people in general. I even said, "PEOPLE" in all caps like that.
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mwong04
16 years ago
Well replying back, I have a normal relationship with her, well we are kinda in different friendship circles but I do talk to her sometimes about certain things, for example one time she was sick and I asked her if she was alright stuff like that. And I agree it will take some time, its like a very tough Silence spell I don't know how to spark a normal conv with her I think I need to know more about her.
1
LostQuartet
14 years ago
I was going to make another thread like this buuuuuut I'll necrobump instead. Many of my friends have begun great new relationships and talking with them/giving advice to them reminded me of when I made this.

Sometimes people don't want to share their relationship troubles with a lot of people (even a bunch of people on a hentai forum). Maybe they're afraid of trolling or rude remarks, but if anyone wants unbiased advice sans trolling, I'd love to help through PMs.

Everyone is met with romantic troubles at some time and hopefully I'll be able to offer some good advice to those who seek to improve those troubles.
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Quadratic
14 years ago
*sigh* I know my problem, I just don't have a clue how to go about solving it. Some people just say, "Don't worry about it." But it just makes me worry more. x.x

I'm kinda shy. For some reason, I have trouble starting conversations. Even when I'm with people I know, I have to wait for someone else to start talking before I can say anything. I know what caused it, and I know it's a bad reason, but I can't drop the habit for some reason. There's only a few people I know that I can say something to without waiting for them to start something.

And, according to a few of my friends, I'm extremely awkward, though I don't know how so.

The few times I actually have been able to become good friends with a girl, and get together enough courage to tell them I like them, it usually ended with them saying, "You're too nice." , "I don't see you that way." , "I think of you as a brother.". The one time I did get with someone, they broke up with me soon after, saying I wasn't 'normal enough'.

After all these rejections and stuff, I've kind of lost faith in myself. >_>

I'll just put a tl;dr here...

tl;dr: Shy, confidence issues, 'too nice'.
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anud
14 years ago
Ive got myself into a dilema.
Im 18 and im new and fresh in the world of dating.
Because my first love was a long one with a nice girl after we break up (we still talk to each other and were breety good friends) its kinda hard to find myself a "perfect" sort of speak girl. I kno that there isnt a perfect girl out there.
The problem is that the "scar" left from the first love is slightly keeping me to "fall in love" with another girl.Adding the efect its the age at witch the girls arent focusing on long relation (senzitive tipe here :) ) soo im kinda force to wait until they get mature enought.
Even if i understand that the biological need for sex interveene and it kinda mess everything up soo i need an advice
(sorry for my english i havent written and spoken in an eternity)
Looking forward for youre answer.
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LostQuartet
14 years ago
@Quadratic

"There's only a few people I know that I can say something to without waiting for them to start something."
You feel as if you are able to say things because you are very comfortable with these people?

Saying that you are unable to start conversations makes me believe you worry too much of what other people think of you. If this is the case, I would say that you should try and get rid of that fear slowly. Next time you want to say something but are afraid to, just say it anyway. Simply asking, "So what'd you guys do this weekend? .... Oh really? I did this and that" is an easy convo starter.

You say you know the cause of why you started to back out from conversations, but didn't mention what it was. Wish I could help you with that part, but since I do not know the reason I can't say much.

So, you've been placed in the friend zone one too many times. Girls like to be slightly teased and are attracted to those who exude confidence. Working on the latter takes time and effort towards bettering yourself as a person. Forget the girl who said you weren't "normal enough". Everyone has their quirks and weird things about them. Don't let one person rejecting your unique weirdness make you think everyone will do the same.

Being shy is not a bad thing, but you're basically saying you want to grow out of your comfort zone. Talk to people. As your friends said, "Don't worry about it." What is the reason that you worry in the first place? Rejection? Everyone faces rejection in their life, although some more than others. When you do get rejected, know there are other people in the world who will accept you. I think it might be nice surprise for you to see that you can kick this unwanted habit by telling yourself so and trying. Being your own cheerleader is a good thing. You really have to believe in yourself. At first, it'll be only a little encouragement. "I can do this. It's okay." That encouragement will push you to do something out of your comfort zone, small or big, and it will go well. More encouragement will be able to build after you see that getting out there benefits you and works.

Building confidence and faith in yourself is a slow and constant process. To change things about yourself takes effort and a continuous checkup in the emotional and mental department. So, keep trying to talk to people. I hope I helped in the slightest and remember to put yourself out there! Life continues to go on whether you put yourself in it or not, so enjoy the time you have now.
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Granth
14 years ago
Seeing how Lost Q has picked this thread back up, I shall once more share my opinion and try to help some people out.

@Anud

From what I can understand is, your last break up is still affecting you, so you're having problems falling in love with other people due to it? Are you still in love with her? Elaborate on this if you'd please. Well there indeed isn't something as "the perfect girl", every relationship has its flaws. However even you'll meet someone who is so special to you that you'd be willing to take on all of these problems and flaws regardless. Finding this person is not an easy task, but you'll just come by her eventually. I just want to know if you still have feelings for your last girlfriend.

@Quadratic

I'll have to agree with pretty much all Lost Q said. I can relate to you on being a bad conversation starter, I've had the same problem, and still somewhat have it to this day. However this is something that can be overcome, it just takes a lot of effort. But it is possible. Breaks up can really affect your self-confidence, someone always gets hurt when it happens. However while me saying this might not help you very much but you shouldn't lose faith in yourself, doing that will only drag you down further. Keep your chin up, be confident in yourself, it'll help you a lot to have faith in yourself when talking to others. I had the same problem, I had no confidence in myself. However once I had overcome this I had a much easier time talking to people, and I've gotten many positive responses due to this.
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