The Asian Way of Raising a Child

I am ethically Chinese, both my parents are Chinese, but I was born in Australia. I consider my parents quite mellow,and carefree. I think their method of 'parenting' was pretty good. I've only ever been beaten once in my life by my parents and that was so many years ago. If I had to learn life lessons, they'd teach me. I once stole a two dollar coin from my mum's purse, and she found out, she took me by the hand, asked me what I did wrong and scolded me. Safe to say I ended up in tears, but the only punishment I had gotten was a smack on the hand (to me that's not beating). Sure it stung, and I thought I hated my parents but at the end of the day I'm grateful, they punished me, teaching whats right from wrong. I'm definitely one of the spoilt kids (I got what I wanted most of the time), but I'm not out there thinking, I deserve things, I should have that. I earn things. I get good grades, I'm allowed to buy something as a reward.

I don't get the best grades, and I'm definitely not a straight A student. I get As and Bs. They don't push me, I'm not constantly told, "you're not good enough" or "you must get an A". I'm told: "try your best" and "that was a good effort". I like praises, and I strive to get more by getting better grades, and letting my parents be proud of me.

Also I think my parents have given up things that they might have wanted to raise me, and I think in return, I take care of them when they are older. It's not about I owe them something, its about caring your family and being filial. (I'm an only child)
These are just my thoughts and feelings about raising a child.

Well discipline is a must if anybody wants to have any success in their future....

but it is also important to let the child breath every once in a while so he/she can grow up well...

Every parent has a method in their ways for raising their children...
being strict, child abuse, restricting kids from enjoying life....

Sure the Chinese moms wants the best for their kids and their success and there is absolutely nothing wrong with pushing your kid forward.

Personally I find this method kinda good... as long as there doesn't involve any abuse and that the moms have a weekend talk with their kids about how it is the best for them and that the kids agree...

I'm Asian and my parents are like that. When I was young I was expected to get As and if I don't I'll be scolded quite badly. My mother used to cane me if I tried to take a break while doing homework, and invests heavily in tuition and assessment books. I was never allowed to go out alone with my friends or attend sleepovers either, although I wasn't forced to learn the piano because my family only prioritizes academia.

I understand where they're coming from now though. To the Chinese there is a lot of pride and bragging rights if a child is successful. And of course parents want their children to take a well-paying job to secure a comfortable life not only for themselves but their children. They prize pragmatism more than personal enjoyment.



I think it is a mentality of the older generation. They have been raised in the same, if not more demanding ways and resign themselves to hardship easily. So they suppose it's natural that their child can take hardship as easily, not regarding how changing times have affected our take on 'bearing hardships'.

My parents have relaxed their control over me by a lot now, and my grades have started to slip. XD I both resent and respect them; resent for taking my childhood away but love them because they have sacrificed a lot for me. Whether or not parents raise their child very strictly, I think it's down to their own ways of expressing love for their children. They are still their children and they still love them, isn't that what's most important?

I do not thing I would the person I am today if I was forced into a certain way of living. My mother and father raised me with the belief that if you are not the one learning life lessons first hand...it just will not stick with you.

For example during my middle and high school years (minus my senior year in high school) I was just addicted to gaming. My grades where not in jeopardy of failing or anything but a C average was all I was managing. However my parents never once forced me to stop playing games to do better in school, did they ignore me? no, they simply told me that if I take this path down life I am going to regret it later on. During my senior year of high school I finally took a look at my life and decided that if I continued down this path I was in for a long, boring, and miserable life. So I got my act together and started to take school seriously and pulled straight A's my senior year. I am now a B-A range student in college and it feels great to do well in school as a result of my own passion.

In all I think when a person learns a lesson like highlighted above for themselves the weight that carries on them is much higher then just taking commands from parents and the like.

In regards the way that many Asian families seem to raise their children, i believe that the process seems a little ridiculous. As I'm sure repetition and familiarization to a certain habit or practice can obviously make one better in terms of proficiency ( for example the piano), it can also lead do detriments in overall expression. If one can not express themselves on the individual level in regards to their own aspirations and wants, i believe the ending result of the said child's personality to be only shaped by the conformations set in play by their parental or guardian figures.

In my opinion, it seems as though this parenting style can potentially cause displacement in terms of a child's true muse (or whatever it may be), which may not necessarily become expressed due to the strict guidelines set in place by their parents. (ie: If you never got the chance to do martial arts due to your parents only stressing the vigor of academia, how could you ever realize your true athletic potential? etc.)

In that light, how is it possible for a child to progress in life without a diverse and lush personality and habit base that was constructed based on their own intentions and aspirations? I believe that the displacement caused by repressed/blocked individuality combined with the constant pressure to excel could actually cause them to think too much, and feel to little. While this parenting style might promote a sense of cleverness and knowledge through study, how could the child express true kindness when the aspects of humanity and love are set out of focus?

I believe the parental aspirations can cause these obstructions and somehow with they could alter their perspectives not to just promote academia, but also the study of living a happy and fulfilling life. Either way, constructive qualities like kindness, gentleness, and love can be tough to establish within academia if there is an outstanding amount of pressure to do well (ie: not being able to hangout with friends and stuff cause your Asian parents say you "gotta do your calculus homework and then practice piano...etc.), and these qualities are what make us really human. Without these qualities, life would be violent. The parents that take part in this habit need to truly remember and comprehend that we are human.

At the root of humanities core, we are not "machine men, with machine hearts, and machine minds". While technology gained from education and science have been made us excel as a race and as a society, i believe greed has poisoned our minds because we forget what it is to be human and to love life and enjoy what it has to bring. Deep down inside, i believe we all have the love for humanity in our hearts, and i believe that many Asian parental figures (or any parental figure that acts in the similar "stereotypical" matter) should promote their children to feel as much as they think.

~Zigen
PS: Leading the life of a professional MMA fighter at 18 and don't have much contact outside of the gym, care to send me a pm? :3

Yeah..... This article is giving me lots of nostalgia. See, I'm a Chinese Malaysian. The chinese of this country comes directly from China in my great grandad's era. I'm 20 so I guess it's about 80+years ago. So this means my family is part of this typical, Chinese family way of tort-er..... educating their child.

Until, I was 18, I was practically under Authoritarian rule. Every time, I got an average grade(B or C) I would get scoldings that would last god knows how long and canning depending on her mood(I guess?) I remember going for tuition classes for EVERY SINGLE subject I was "bad" in(B or C, never got a D in my life). Used to go to Mental Arithmetic classes to improve my math as well. No tv until ALL homework is done. Games only available on weekends. BTW, tv and games are limited to 2 hours(more or less). No sleepovers or traveling or camps or anything that does not get you back home by 7pm. Internet? Forget it. The best I got was permission to go to the internet cafe on Sundays(if my mom is in a good mood) for 2-3 hours.
Outing with friends? Nope. Fat chance brother.

Although, I don't really think that the child is 'obliged' to repay their parents but I do think its filial piety to take care of them. I just don't like the way the article put it.

*+rep for no reason*

Uh.... what? ^^; Btw love your sig. Are you asian too, Uzumaki?

QUICK! Asian High-Five!!! ^5!!

Lol, how is asian high five suppose to be like ^^;;;

It's like a high-five, only between Asians, duh!! If two people from different continents did it, it would've been an Interracial High-Five!!

When I grew up my mum wanted me to do well so that I won't "shame" the family. Only reason why I thought she cared about me. My dad's even worse.

Let me guess.

*Your dad speaking* "You better do well. If you make me lose face, you'll get it from me!"

Aye aye.

Lol. Looks like asian parents are the same everywhere, huh?

Well I'm Korean myself and I don't see how this kind of education can truly create better kids. I was raised like this from Kindergarten to Junior High and as a result I'm introverted and a loner, the worst kind of personality one can wish for. Though I do have my positive traits I have a huge obstacle to a social life in the form of Enochlophobia (Fear of Crowds). I feel safer behind a locked door. Though I do enjoy my friends' company I'm happiest when I'm completely alone. All thanks to AWESOME parenting

I never ever behave impolitely or make a huge show of myself, and while that is in my parents words the manners of a gentleman in society nowadays you'd need to stand out amongst the crowd. And I'm probably the most boring guy anyone could set their eyes upon.

You're both wrong about that. It isn't the extreme, contrary, it's the normal over here. No kidding, friend of mine whom I'm counselling (non-certified) goes through the exact same things. To them, we are supposed to be mindless drones who obey to their every whim and will. To me, I feel that they are failure as parents, told him the same thing, and he told me no, they aren't, just that because his sisters obeyed them without any word, he was expected to do the same.

Perhaps it is different with you guys who live in the west or migrated there, but this is something that is our everyday life over here. For some of us, the 'restriction' is lifted early, perhaps, they decided to do so from the beginning and give you full reign over the control of your own freedom.

Then there are others like mine, who have given up on me after a while. When we start to rebel, they cry and give us the guilt trip, and many start to cave in at that stage. They'll cry and break down and wonder where in the hell they went wrong as parents. They'll ask their friends, relatives and everyone why are they such failures as parents and why we are such failures and disappointments. There is no such thing as 'good grades' or 'bad grade' not even an 'A' appeases them. As long as you didn't do as well as those before you, like say, a cousin who's a year older and had a higher score when she was taking the same exam you were taking. It calls for everyone to come together to have a 'family discussion' about whether we should get you a tutor, and they start to question who is it you hang out with and butt completely into your private life. And how attempting to get our voices heard will just result with caning with MORE than just a simple cane, (live it to your imaginations, think of whatever it is you can get your hands on at home). Over there, it's probably considered domestic violence, even child abuse, but here, we're forced to grin and bear it 'cuz it's a nationally known word called 'DISCIPLINE'.

And when you DO do better than your relatives, but not as well as they THINK you COULD have done, they tell you "Why didn't you put more effort?" or "You could have at least score better if you had bothered to study". It's a constant battle of being compared and getting compared to. It's annoying and frustrating, and a few of my cousins are pretty fucked up in their lives now. Smoking, clubbing, partying. I'm a drinker myself, but only on the good stuff.

Worst? My other cousins who are much older and way past the age to be in this 'comparison cycle' are doing the EXACT same thing to their kids. During my grandpa's funeral, I even heard one of them say "She keeps getting A2, is something wrong, why can't she get an A1?" and when I tell them something that isn't what they want to hear, they ignore me, of course DUH! But you can feel it in their gaze "You're just a kid what the fuck do you know!?". I know a lot better than them that's for sure. Lemme put it this way, their kids are just in PRIMARY SCHOOL! that's in fucking GRADE SCHOOL, below 12! And from what I've heard from talking to the kids, their ENTIRE WEEK is packed full of tuition tuition and MORE tuition, aside from the school clubs and remedial.

The thing about this is, YES, some of them do have a WAAAAAAY successful future than I could ever have at the end of the road. But at the cost of their self esteem, confidence and social network. My nieces are recluses, they don't speak to anyone, I mean, they even shy away from my younger cousins. But the thing about being successful here? Well, you'll just end up with an office job you hate, the U grads here are even driving TAXIS for the lack of a substantial resume for all that studying for whatever it's worth. But they'll have a future of sorts carved out at the end, albeit a pretty boring one, but one nonetheless.

And me? Well, I'm just about as fucked up as fucked up can be, but I'm not going into details. I'll just put it that I had a pretty fucked up life up all the way until my folks gave up on me. While I right now I have no idea what my future might be 'cuz I'm just floating in the middle of nowhere really, they've learnt to back off. And so have my other relatives. My cousins who had also practically fucked up their lives, are also slowly getting back on the right track, and yeah we all know EVERYONE talks behind our backs about how much of a failure we or our folks are, 'cuz for all that's worth, the stress and the studying leaded us to give up on everything and drop out. See, it takes a MAJOR issue to smack them in the back of their head before they realize, "whoops, maybe we asked for too much, and should have just been satisfied as long as they did their best", not all of us were born geniuses and some of us can't even get 'B's for certain subjects, Sure I got straight 'A's all through primary school, but once we hit secondary school, things just go downhill. And that's where the pressure becomes unbearable. I can do my best and still get nothing but an 'F' for Math, I just have no affinity with the subject. And try as I might, That's the best I can do. But I can get straight 'A's for Science and English. Each to their own, but trying too hard to force their sometimes unreasonable expectations on us is a DEFINITE NO. Trust me when I say the student depression, cutting, and suicidal rate here is pretty high, I remember when there used to be an article about some student from XXX school committing suicide by jumping off the SCHOOL ROOF, almost every week or so.

Wanna know what's REALLY sad? When your parents realized their folly and lightened up in thinking that as long as you do your best it's enough for them, you're still dubbed as failures in your relatives eyes, and yes you know that they talk behind your backs thinking you aren't around to listen. But what's worse is that they also gossip about how much of a failure as parents your folks are for letting not pressuring you to do better, and being satisfied that you've so called "done your best". It happened to me, we were having dinner, and my aunt was going on about how my cousin is such a failure because her mother lets her do whatever she wants and my uncle isn't around to pull the reins; and I KNOW they do that behind my back as well.

You can argue all you want or laugh it off about how I'm probably just kidding and over exaggerating the facts. But I'd say that you should probably ask those who actually LIVE in Asia, especially Singapore, about how it is during their primary and secondary school years. They start to let up once you're past that age, but for some, it doesn't mean you don't have a curfew, or that you can party around, or stay out with your friends, EVEN if it's a study camp in school UNLESS you have a consent form from your teacher or something. Heck, my folks thought that computer games were from the DEVIL when I was still in primary school, and I'm not the only one.

So yeah, you're DEAD mistaken if you think that's just an exaggeration or one of the extreme cases. And believe me when I say that post isn't even the WORST of it yet, there are FAR worse types of these Asian Parents, and I've seen them for myself.

and for a last note



I believe the world would be a better place if all the world had a parent type that is a mixture of both, strict in parenting, and academics yet allowing some freedom for their kids to breathe, not expecting over achievements, but is satisfied as long as their child did their best. "Even if your BEST ends up with you being the last, you've still done your best and your best is enough". That's what I feel is a truly good parent... sad you only find those in fiction though... or those FEW rare cases

I have a Chinese mom but i wasn't raised this way. I am not sure whether or not being raised like that would be good or bad. You would have a lacking child-hood but when you are older, you will probably be successful in life. I have a friend who was raised like that and he is really smart. On the other hand, he was always known by others as the "weird kid" and it seemed like he looked down on others who weren't like him.

It's a goddamn fact: Asians, (almost) best parents ever.

Well, you see guys(?), parents will be forever parents, whatever the style, genre(?), and all that crappy sermons, parents will be parents. May you be born out of wedlock, your mom or dad was gang-raped, or you are adopted. Everything roots from there. And lemme tell ya, the way of parenting changes from generation to generation, like, the generation after the wars, which, I think, happiest parents ever, you see the rebirth of everything, but as parents and children relationships gets more and more loose, every generation just differs from each other, and so is their way of parenting.

So, who started all this parenting bullcrap?
Ask any person who came from World War 2.

well, my parents never forced me to make certain grades although my dad was very happy the first time i ever made straight A's in my life. im asian and my parents never helped me with shit on homework or anything. they did make me play the piano though but never forced me to practice. as an adult, i already quit the piano and live simply compared to when i was young where my parents got me into extra-curriculars which i didnt give a rats ass about. I don't agree with the asian philosophy for parenting mentioned in the article and i actually felt sick about it, because learning should feel natural and not so forced so if a kid doesnt want to learn the piano, then dont force them. I've more or less quit everything that my parents made me do and i really felt all that extra stuff was unneeded. Hell, a kid could have some hidden talent and interest in something but if the parent keeps forcing them to do shit they dont want to do, then how's he or she supposed to find their true purpose?