[Locked] [Community Project V2] Shadowblaze Chronicles
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Yanker
I read hentai for plot
LoliCreamPie wrote...
Yanker wrote...
Chapter 8 – To Defeat a GodSpoiler:
Wow. While not much SEEMED to happen, it advanced the story by a TON. With so little text, you advanced the story several chapters in one. That was very good. Also, you gave us all more insight into Elgaraf's personality. I can't wait to see what he'll do when he meets the ice dragon.
It's pretty much set in stone at this point that Elgaraf isn't an arcane arts user, but is combat arts reliant, and will stick to his path, even if it's more difficult. You've shown he's aiming to become stronger, so strong that not even a god would stand against him.
Though, I won't spoil anything about the 'gods' of Erakuni.
Also, there are just a few typos I'd appreciate if they were fixed. 'Vastenroark', is actually 'Vastenarok'. No big deal though if you don't have time. There are other typos, but I understand you wrote this fairly quickly, so I don't really mind those.
As for the sad parts of this chapter - it's saddening that Elgaraf will part from the party this early on, but I do look forward to how much he's changed and improved when he meets Masayoshi next.
Despite the two slowing Elgaraf down, he did a lot for Marie and Masayoshi. Their relationship isn't the best, even just as acquaintances, so Elgaraf was a good moderator, a very good third party to step in when problems became too large or blown out of proportion.
This loss will surely affect their journey, I wonder how they'll make do? Though they're getting a (temporary) third party member during chapter 10, the majority of their journey for quite a while will be just the two of them.
Excellent work, and a very bold way to advance the story. I am pleased to say the only problems I had with this chapter was the minor typos, and it fits well into the story, especially since you're revealing more about what the common populace knows about what's going on.
Anyway, I'll let CH know it's his turn to write, and I hope to see more from you after you're on break from uni.
Your chapters are my favorite to read (even more so than my own). That's not to say other peoples' chapters are bad, most are pretty good, but none of us except you have been able to advance the story so well with a smaller chapter.
Thanks, it's good to know people enjoy reading my stuff. I've fixed up the Vastenarok typos already (in the original post, not the quoted ones).
In terms of the plot, I just really felt confused when all these new characters were introduced and everything went chaotic, so I parted Elgaraf from the party to slow down the pace of his personal story a little. I'll probably diverge from everyone else at this point, maybe crossing paths with one or two people, but above all I just want to focus on Elgaraf's 'lone wolf,' "I want to be the best" nature. However, events that happen elsewhere could still impact his journey.
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Here's a character profile, I'll introduce them in my introductory chapter:
Name: Vicrosta Mandol
Gender: Male/Female(Changes)
Race: Azismian/Wevirian/Revomian/(Mixed)
Natural Hair color: Snowy White, only seen during the shift between genders
Natural Skin color: Ghostly Pale, only seen during the shift between genders
Natural Eye color: Golden Topaz, only seen during the shift between genders
Artificial Hair Color: Black in male form, Auburn in female form. Looks perfectly natural, as they are a part of their transformation.
Artificial Skin Color: Oriental in male form, African in female form. Looks perfectly natural, as they are a part of their transformation.
Artificial Eye Color: Brown in male form, Brown in female form. Looks perfectly natural, as they are a part of their transformation.
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 147 LBS
Combat Arts Rank: +C - Average, has decent hand-to-hand combat skills
Arcane Arts Rank: -A - Master, but cannot advance due to unique circumstances of mastery.
Danger Rating: +B - High risk, don't engage in combat unless you're 100% certain.
Preferred Weapons/Tools: In male form, prefers blunt weapons and steel knuckles so they can mug more effectively while trying not to kill their victims if possible. In female form, prefers weapons that they can coat their toxins on, and use as throwing weapons. For tools, they always carry around a compass that spins in all directions, never stopping at one point.
Azismian Abilities: Has two souls, and can shape-shift into a man or a woman of completely different appearances. This ability can only be used on the night of a new moon, however. Cannot bind their soul to an animal like normal Azismians, because their twin souls are already bound to each other, and cannot be separated unlike normal souls.
Wevirian Abilities: In male form, can make a sub-dermal graphene armor under his skin, mere molecules thick. It can stop any projectiles, and can block most offensive spells aside from high level ones. In female form, can kill any non-immortal she touches with her fingertips, by a time-released toxin. There is no antitoxin for this toxin yet.
Revomian Abilities: In male form, has natural arcane mastery over fire, earth, and dark elements. In female form, has natural arcane mastery over wind, water, and divine elements. Because of being a natural arcane master of all elements only during their transformation, they are immortal, though they are unable to achieve invulnerability.
Personal History: As a young child, their ability to change into a male or female made them an outcast to their village, and they were exiled at the tender age of ten. They eventually turned to a life of crime, using their feminine wiles to cheat men out of money where she could, and using their abilities in their male form to mug hapless fools who wander too far down alleys, with brute force.
Is extremely powerful in either form, but has more killing potential as a female, and more defensive abilities as a male. They've been living a dangerous lifestyle for many years, and cannot give up their current lifestyle for any other. Changing the way they live now would be to deny their entire life and forget their very own existence. However, their lifestyle comes with some heavy consequences.
Their male form is wanted around many towns for the excessive violent muggings, which normally result in death, while their female form is wanted around the big cities for their countless scams that always lead men to lose their money and their lives. A part of them wants to be saved by someone, but the more dominant part of them wants to keep living the way the are, maintaining their life.
Name: Vicrosta Mandol
Gender: Male/Female(Changes)
Race: Azismian/Wevirian/Revomian/(Mixed)
Natural Hair color: Snowy White, only seen during the shift between genders
Natural Skin color: Ghostly Pale, only seen during the shift between genders
Natural Eye color: Golden Topaz, only seen during the shift between genders
Artificial Hair Color: Black in male form, Auburn in female form. Looks perfectly natural, as they are a part of their transformation.
Artificial Skin Color: Oriental in male form, African in female form. Looks perfectly natural, as they are a part of their transformation.
Artificial Eye Color: Brown in male form, Brown in female form. Looks perfectly natural, as they are a part of their transformation.
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 147 LBS
Combat Arts Rank: +C - Average, has decent hand-to-hand combat skills
Arcane Arts Rank: -A - Master, but cannot advance due to unique circumstances of mastery.
Danger Rating: +B - High risk, don't engage in combat unless you're 100% certain.
Preferred Weapons/Tools: In male form, prefers blunt weapons and steel knuckles so they can mug more effectively while trying not to kill their victims if possible. In female form, prefers weapons that they can coat their toxins on, and use as throwing weapons. For tools, they always carry around a compass that spins in all directions, never stopping at one point.
Azismian Abilities: Has two souls, and can shape-shift into a man or a woman of completely different appearances. This ability can only be used on the night of a new moon, however. Cannot bind their soul to an animal like normal Azismians, because their twin souls are already bound to each other, and cannot be separated unlike normal souls.
Wevirian Abilities: In male form, can make a sub-dermal graphene armor under his skin, mere molecules thick. It can stop any projectiles, and can block most offensive spells aside from high level ones. In female form, can kill any non-immortal she touches with her fingertips, by a time-released toxin. There is no antitoxin for this toxin yet.
Revomian Abilities: In male form, has natural arcane mastery over fire, earth, and dark elements. In female form, has natural arcane mastery over wind, water, and divine elements. Because of being a natural arcane master of all elements only during their transformation, they are immortal, though they are unable to achieve invulnerability.
Personal History: As a young child, their ability to change into a male or female made them an outcast to their village, and they were exiled at the tender age of ten. They eventually turned to a life of crime, using their feminine wiles to cheat men out of money where she could, and using their abilities in their male form to mug hapless fools who wander too far down alleys, with brute force.
Is extremely powerful in either form, but has more killing potential as a female, and more defensive abilities as a male. They've been living a dangerous lifestyle for many years, and cannot give up their current lifestyle for any other. Changing the way they live now would be to deny their entire life and forget their very own existence. However, their lifestyle comes with some heavy consequences.
Their male form is wanted around many towns for the excessive violent muggings, which normally result in death, while their female form is wanted around the big cities for their countless scams that always lead men to lose their money and their lives. A part of them wants to be saved by someone, but the more dominant part of them wants to keep living the way the are, maintaining their life.
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Masayoshiii
Gone
Yanker wrote...
Thanks, it's good to know people enjoy reading my stuff. I've fixed up the Vastenarok typos already (in the original post, not the quoted ones).In terms of the plot, I just really felt confused when all these new characters were introduced and everything went chaotic, so I parted Elgaraf from the party to slow down the pace of his personal story a little. I'll probably diverge from everyone else at this point, maybe crossing paths with one or two people, but above all I just want to focus on Elgaraf's 'lone wolf,' "I want to be the best" nature. However, events that happen elsewhere could still impact his journey.
That makes sense, and it's good to see you standing up for your character ^_^ I'll make sure that between complete horizon and I, that everyone does your character justice. Complete Horizon is taking over the project for now, so any further questions / submissions go to him until I get a break in December.
As of chapter nine, apparently, Masayoshi is going alone, as is Marie, as dictated by Complete Horizon. There is something I have to compliment CH on, too - for chapter 9, he made sure every paragraph was four lines on Fakku. I'm not sure how he pulled it off, but it's definitely not something I've seen before. Though, reading it was a slight pain, as there were probably at least 3500 words in the damn thing.
Compliments and small annoyances aside, and back to you, I'm dedicating chapter 10 to Elgaraf and Masayoshi, and their respective solo paths, because this is the last chapter I get to write until chapter 20. I hope I do both characters justice, yours as well as mine, and I hope to advance both journeys in a way that you can approve.
Well, look forward to chapter 10, I'll have it out soon enough ^_^.
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Masayoshiii
Gone
MyLastStand wrote...
So wait, chapter 10 is already being made? I guess I didn't have to wait long at all...Sorry, it's still in progress! I'll be done sometime tomorrow though.
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LoliCreamPie wrote...
Sorry, it's still in progress! I'll be done sometime tomorrow though.So... Are you done yet?
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Masayoshiii
Gone
MyLastStand wrote...
So... Are you done yet?Actually, yes, I finished it early this morning. But, I'm just on lunch right now, so I'll post it tonight when I get home from work.
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LoliCreamPie wrote...
Actually, yes, I finished it early this morning. But, I'm just on lunch right now, so I'll post it tonight when I get home from work.Ok. I can wait.
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Masayoshiii
Gone
MyLastStand wrote...
Ok. I can wait.Thanks for waiting, here it is!
<<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>>
Chapter 10 - The Guardian of Erakuni:
<<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>><<<<>>>>
Spoiler:
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CHAPTER SUMMARIES - FOR READER CONVENIENCE:
Okay, so I went through and looked at each chapter. I can give everyone a shortened summary for each, though some take A LOT more summary, but will still save you a lot of reading. EVERY summary contains SPOILERS, so be CAREFUL and don't BLAME ME for what happens later. I recommend ONLY reading summmaries for CHAPTERS YOU'VE ALREADY READ.
Sorry for all the capital words, I just wanted to make sure I was very, VERY clear.
Prologue:
Spoiler:
Chapter 1:
Spoiler:
Chapter 2:
Spoiler:
Chapter 3:
Spoiler:
Chapter 4: Well, this chapter shifts views a lot...
Spoiler:
Chapter 5: Wow, this one's gonna take some time. Same amount of view shifts as the last chapter, though a lot more text to go through.
Spoiler:
Chapter 6: Ugh, more scene shifts. This hurts my head sometimes. Especially this time, since this guy's chapters are longer than goddamn anacondas.
Spoiler:
Chapter 7: So, another four-way scene split by that guy again, though his scenes got a lot longer this time around. Honestly, I'm getting really tired of these scene-splits.
Spoiler:
Chapter 8:
Spoiler:
Chapter 9:
Spoiler:
Chapter 10:
Spoiler:
Chapter 11:
Spoiler:
...
...
...
So, that's basically all for now. I'll update this post whenever I get the chance, which won't be very often.
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I present to everyone - Chapter 11:
@the-equalizer It's your turn to write.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Eleven: Righteousness won’t get you into heaven
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Eleven: Righteousness won’t get you into heaven
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spoiler:
@the-equalizer It's your turn to write.
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Masayoshiii
Gone
MyLastStand wrote...
I present to everyone - Chapter 11:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Eleven: Righteousness won’t get you into heaven
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter Eleven: Righteousness won’t get you into heaven
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spoiler:
There's a few reviews backed up, but I think it's too late to review them anyway... I don't have the time for longer reviews, so if you're chapter's longer than 1000 words, someone else will probably review it instead.
So, here's my review of your chapter:
I liked how you had Masayoshi overcome the difference in their abilities with his intelligence, and that's almost precisely how I would have done it. The way you revealed Emil Jorg Baumhauer's abilities was also clever, and I honestly think the character's creator would be pleased... however, setting up Masayoshi for more unfortunate events was a bit much, don't you think? He just had a run-in with his antithesis, doesn't that mean he deserves a break?
Though, maybe that's just me babying my character too much, and he might actually deserve this, as atonement for slaughtering those bandits a few chapters back and 'enjoying' it... (seriously you guys, why did you do that to him? He's supposed to be a hero, not an anti-hero...)
Though, it's too late to take back what has been done, so I guess Masayoshi will have to turn into more of a self-interested anti-hero who is out to achieve his own goals, rather that selflessly sacrificing himself. I guess it's more interesting that way.
I hate using a number system, but I'm short on time tonight, gotta go to bed soon, so...
7/10. It was too short, and didn't develop the plot much, but on the upsides, had good, cleverly-executed action scenes, and gave us more insight into an antagonist's abilities.
I'll see you all next Friday, as that's my next day off!
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Masayoshiii
Gone
The Equalizer wrote...
Chapter 12 ~ An Unwelcome Outcome:Spoiler:
Thanks for your contribution ^_^ I sent a PM to Complete Horizon, the current project manager, he'll be the one to review this chapter, if he chooses.
Would you like to reserve another chapter after chapter 15? If so, PM Complete Horizon.
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The Equalizer wrote...
Chapter 12 ~ An Unwelcome Outcome:Spoiler:
Whoa whoa whoa hold on there. That's a lot of plot advancement. Usually, I'd say plot advancement's a good thing, but not when you advance it by literally 50+ chapters in one shot... The cataclysm wasn't supposed to happen until chapter 55, and Etheria wasn't supposed to return until well after chapter 60... I PM'ed you the base plot since you told me you wanted to advance it, but this was way too fast...
Regardless, it's too late to take any of this back, so I'll just be forced to roll with it. At the very least, you followed my warning about not changing the events of Elgaraf's journey, but still, this is a very sudden advancement...
I can't even make a proper review because this is just... too much.
I guess I should ask the OP for what comes after the end of his current plot. Your chapter was decent, but left out so many important details that I can't give it a review. I'll have to wait until your next chapter.
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Yanker
I read hentai for plot
The Equalizer wrote...
Chapter 12 ~ An Unwelcome Outcome:Spoiler:
Well... that escalated quickly.
If I didn't know better, it would sound like everything from chapter 12-50 was just skipped.
Would you consider rewriting your chapter completely? You can still keep this one, just save it for when the events progress naturally to this point before posting it. Honestly... it's just too much. You didn't even give time for Masayoshi to develop and discover his ability, or for the Empress to escape...
Alternatively, whoever is writing the next chapter, make this a strange dream by one of the characters to foreshadow the future. There's no way we're jumping to doomsday so quickly.
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Masayoshiii
Gone
Spikedpikes wrote...
Chapter 13 - Awakening:Review will come very soon.
Edit: Here's my review:
For the most part, very good. You managed to pass off the craziness of chapter 12 as both a prophecy and a mere hallucination. This pleases me. You also managed to advance the plot, while not advancing it TOO much, and still getting your point across. You revealed some tidbits of information that most people already figured out, while introducing plot elements and mysteries to be addressed later.
My biggest nit-pick is going to be chapter length. I know I'm also guilty of this, but we have to start shortening the chapters, as this will be a 100-chapter book, and keeping people interested is going to be hard when everyone makes each chapter 2000+ words. That's not to say what you're doing isn't good, because it is, but we all need to start expressing things in fewer words, and implying more without saying or explaining it explicitly.
Anyway, on a scale of 0-10, you get a solid 8. That's just my personal opinion, however.
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Spikedpikes wrote...
Chapter 13 - Awakening:Spoiler:
So, I honestly don't have that much to say, as the OP already said it. The whole woman chained to the pillar deal might have been introduced a little bit too soon, but that's okay, since I planned to introduce it in chapter 15 anyway.
Though, now it means that Masayoshi's the one that knows about her, and not Elgaraf. That's fine though, as long as the OP and Yanker don't have problems with it.
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Masayoshiii
Gone
Complete Horizon wrote...
Though, now it means that Masayoshi's the one that knows about her, and not Elgaraf. That's fine though, as long as the OP and Yanker don't have problems with it.I have no objection as long as Yanker is fine with that.