4
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
To be honest, I have no idea what I wrote for you guys.
In fact, I feel myself that it's downright lousy. I really have not been writing for a long time and I feel like my writing quality has taken a turn, a BAD turn.
In fact, you might be scratching your head by the end thinking 'Just what in the world were you thinking, AZA?' or something, Hah.
Not even mentioning passing round 1 in this contest, I just joined for fun. I haven't been on here for ages after all. Some R&R is enough for me than placing anywhere.
It gets like...Super predictable at some point about what will happen.
(The middle part are just references to my previous works)
Still, I'd appreciate your thoughts on it, even if it's criticism, haha. It's just...BAD. But if it's bad, why am i posting it? Who knows, I might be high today.
WARNING: What you are about to read is absolutely ridiculous, and I claim no responsibility for damages whatsoever to your precious brain XD.
Not counting "The End", it should be about 1998 words. This includes the title so without the title it would be 1996 words.
So, Horrible, right? What was I thinking? Predictable to the end, too, seriously. If you actually read it...Haha, thanks.
I just hope none of my known followers read this. They'd be like "What Happened to you, AZA? What happened to the legendary(my friends called me this before) author?"
Haha...Sorry guys.
In fact, I feel myself that it's downright lousy. I really have not been writing for a long time and I feel like my writing quality has taken a turn, a BAD turn.
In fact, you might be scratching your head by the end thinking 'Just what in the world were you thinking, AZA?' or something, Hah.
Not even mentioning passing round 1 in this contest, I just joined for fun. I haven't been on here for ages after all. Some R&R is enough for me than placing anywhere.
It gets like...Super predictable at some point about what will happen.
(The middle part are just references to my previous works)
Still, I'd appreciate your thoughts on it, even if it's criticism, haha. It's just...BAD. But if it's bad, why am i posting it? Who knows, I might be high today.
WARNING: What you are about to read is absolutely ridiculous, and I claim no responsibility for damages whatsoever to your precious brain XD.
Spoiler:
Not counting "The End", it should be about 1998 words. This includes the title so without the title it would be 1996 words.
So, Horrible, right? What was I thinking? Predictable to the end, too, seriously. If you actually read it...Haha, thanks.
I just hope none of my known followers read this. They'd be like "What Happened to you, AZA? What happened to the legendary(my friends called me this before) author?"
Haha...Sorry guys.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
Nice you decided to join in. =)
Will check the story later today and edit this post but for now just wanted to say. Joining for fun is the best sort of reason!
Will check the story later today and edit this post but for now just wanted to say. Joining for fun is the best sort of reason!
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I thought I never see the day that you will try to do a leonard267. Good job!
1
well, if what you posted right now was bad, I don't know how good will be your 'good' is.
honestly I have no problem reading things through from the start to end, probably much better than the previous attempts, I think.
the story was somehow related to the previous stories so I could get the big picture of it. in the end, it fits quite well with the theme and no issues with the writing itself. so yeah, well done.
honestly I have no problem reading things through from the start to end, probably much better than the previous attempts, I think.
the story was somehow related to the previous stories so I could get the big picture of it. in the end, it fits quite well with the theme and no issues with the writing itself. so yeah, well done.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
high_time wrote...
well, if what you posted right now was bad, I don't know how good will be your 'good' is.honestly I have no problem reading things through from the start to end, probably much better than the previous attempts, I think.
the story was somehow related to the previous stories so I could get the big picture of it. in the end, it fits quite well with the theme and no issues with the writing itself. so yeah, well done.
Hmm. This is one work I would put in the category of: Letting my writing brain take over my hand movements and just letting it flow. The end result?
...No idea.
I think the biggest problem I had with this was that the ending didn't really seem to fit. Like, it's nonsensical to have him just die off like that...
But I have to say I really love the part where I referenced all 3 of my previous stories. The one with Claire the homeless girl, Sora the transforming cat, and Snowy, the companion dog.
All 3 guys found their own brand of happiness...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
1
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Hmm. This is one work I would put in the category of: Letting my writing brain take over my hand movements and just letting it flow. The end result?
...No idea.
I think the biggest problem I had with this was that the ending didn't really seem to fit. Like, it's nonsensical to have him just die off like that...
But I have to say I really love the part where I referenced all 3 of my previous stories. The one with Claire the homeless girl, Sora the transforming cat, and Snowy, the companion dog.
All 3 guys found their own brand of happiness...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
well I think there's the thing called Bad Endings in VN's. maybe your entry took that peculiar turn. I myself did not have a distaste for bad ends, and it gives a refreshing tone amidst the usually happy stuff commonly found.
in my opinion, it was somehow successful in giving some impact and feel about what the MC was going through. maybe it's because of your preference to vanilla stuff where everyone ends happy, that you find it much to your distaste.
don't worry about it too much.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
I agree with High. This is the entry that I enjoyed the most because it has a bad ending and it is a trifle absurd as well thus it felt like one of my monologues.
I say absurd because it appears that the moral of the story is "I should get a girlfriend so that I don't die of the cold". I feel however that the moral of the story is, "You need to dress up for the winter so that you won't die from the cold". Most likely, there is no moral to this story at all just like my monologues!
You should make it more absurd Assassin. You must join the dark side. I can suggest improvements:
Start off by saying that you have no girlfriend and you are wandering around the city with your boxers on due to the emotional trauma.
I first saw a couple behaving immodestly. Some may call it a form of love. I call that being stoned and asking to be stoned.
I then saw a sadomasochistic couple full of drivel about their master-slave relationship. Some may call it a form of love. I call it sadomasochism. May they die attempting kinky sex!
Finally I saw a man with his dog. Some may call it a form of love. I call it downright bestiality!
When are you going to do an obligatory 1000 word review of my excellent entry Assassin? I know that you are obliged to go for New Year parties but I like to see your reaction to what I write.
2
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Hmm. This is one work I would put in the category of: Letting my writing brain take over my hand movements and just letting it flow. The end result?
...No idea.
I think the biggest problem I had with this was that the ending didn't really seem to fit. Like, it's nonsensical to have him just die off like that...
But I have to say I really love the part where I referenced all 3 of my previous stories. The one with Claire the homeless girl, Sora the transforming cat, and Snowy, the companion dog.
All 3 guys found their own brand of happiness...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
well I think there's the thing called Bad Endings in VN's. maybe your entry took that peculiar turn. I myself did not have a distaste for bad ends, and it gives a refreshing tone amidst the usually happy stuff commonly found.
in my opinion, it was somehow successful in giving some impact and feel about what the MC was going through. maybe it's because of your preference to vanilla stuff where everyone ends happy, that you find it much to your distaste.
don't worry about it too much.
Maybe. I am a self proclaimed VN expert so maybe bad ends influenced me of some sort.
And yes, when i originally planned this i was thinking of doing a happy end too. But then i realised i already covered the "Companionship" feeling in my previous story, So i just decided to give it a bad end.
Yes, Thanks for the opinion. I tried my best to convey his feelings without being too...overbearing. And quite possibly that too, I mostly write mushy nice happy Vanilla stories. But this was an...interesting writing experience. I might do more haha.
Thanks.
leonard267 wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
But this 4th one suffered instead.
I agree with High. This is the entry that I enjoyed the most because it has a bad ending and it is a trifle absurd as well thus it felt like one of my monologues.
I say absurd because it appears that the moral of the story is "I should get a girlfriend so that I don't die of the cold". I feel however that the moral of the story is, "You need to dress up for the winter so that you won't die from the cold". Most likely, there is no moral to this story at all just like my monologues!
You should make it more absurd Assassin. You must join the dark side. I can suggest improvements:
Start off by saying that you have no girlfriend and you are wandering around the city with your boxers on due to the emotional trauma.
I first saw a couple behaving immodestly. Some may call it a form of love. I call that being stoned and asking to be stoned.
I then saw a sadomasochistic couple full of drivel about their master-slave relationship. Some may call it a form of love. I call it sadomasochism. May they die attempting kinky sex!
Finally I saw a man with his dog. Some may call it a form of love. I call it downright bestiality!
When are you going to do an obligatory 1000 word review of my excellent entry Assassin? I know that you are obliged to go for New Year parties but I like to see your reaction to what I write.
I never planned a moral ending, unlike my first entry with John and Claire (Edit: enchanced ver. changed his name).
I can't make it too absurd, it goes against my principles haha. That's why i was really bothered, it was just too absurd.
Besides I can't very well copy you completely LOLZ. And about those "improvements"? Pfft. The 2 couples and one person with the dog are REFERENCES to my previous works.
Wil and Claire - The Greatest Gift (Ench.)
Man and Sora - Where we are least alone
Man and Dog(Snowy) - A lil thing called companionship
Seriously dude? That first one? Makes him some kind of emo cynic pfft.
Master-Slave? Er, Sora IS a cat(girl). Technically he "Owns" her as a pet.
The one with the dog? gods, it's just a pet. Bestiality, REALLY? X.x
But well it suits you, i suppose. You can go ahead and do that haha. I'm fine being halfway submerged in darkness. And half Light. Makes me feel like i've achieved equilibrium.
Still, i appreciate the review.
And about your piece...Er...When I get time. I rushed this piece out in about an hour or so.
0
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Maybe. I am a self proclaimed VN expert so maybe bad ends influenced me of some sort.
And yes, when i originally planned this i was thinking of doing a happy end too. But then i realised i already covered the "Companionship" feeling in my previous story, So i just decided to give it a bad end.
Yes, Thanks for the opinion. I tried my best to convey his feelings without being too...overbearing. And quite possibly that too, I mostly write mushy nice happy Vanilla stories. But this was an...interesting writing experience. I might do more haha.
Thanks.
your welcome. I for myself believe that the change of tone and feel in the writing will be a refreshing experience when you're not overdoing it too much and just take it easy =D
will look forward to more of yours in the future. for now, no need to rush and just keep your own comfortable pace.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
high_time wrote...
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Maybe. I am a self proclaimed VN expert so maybe bad ends influenced me of some sort.
And yes, when i originally planned this i was thinking of doing a happy end too. But then i realised i already covered the "Companionship" feeling in my previous story, So i just decided to give it a bad end.
Yes, Thanks for the opinion. I tried my best to convey his feelings without being too...overbearing. And quite possibly that too, I mostly write mushy nice happy Vanilla stories. But this was an...interesting writing experience. I might do more haha.
Thanks.
your welcome. I for myself believe that the change of tone and feel in the writing will be a refreshing experience when you're not overdoing it too much and just take it easy =D
will look forward to more of yours in the future. for now, no need to rush and just keep your own comfortable pace.
Much thanks, And i shall endeavour to do so.
If i ever have the time, i'll be sure to check yours out...If i can.
0
AssasinZAssasin wrote...
Much thanks, And i shall endeavour to do so.
If i ever have the time, i'll be sure to check yours out...If i can.
well don't worry about it. the entry was not written in the regular story format that was easy to understand, it's more like about an experimental narrative using lot of metaphors and such.
feel free to skip it out if you will especially if it's not according to your tastes. still good or bad your impression may be, you're free to voice out your opinions - that is, if you opt to do so.
still, I appreciate the thought, and that was more than enough =D
1
FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
Winter... Winter never changes.
But maybe AZA’s writing does? Has it taken a turn for the worse? I do remember your entry from last year, which I liked a lot. I think the writing was more proficient then. With your choice of words and sentence structure this story seems lazier and more rushed.
I won’t go into detail regarding grammar since I’ve done a lot of that today, feel free to look at my other feedback comments if you care. The issues here are mostly sentence structure and choice of words – it reads like a piece that’s been rushed out. There are repetitions (I did, I did, I did – which is an issue of the first-person narrator, but it can be circumvented), and strange capitalizations throughout. Some words are in full caps, some are capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
It also feels fragmented overall. After almost every sentence is a line break, slowing down the flow of the text.
I found his wish for a white Christmas quite amusing. He cursed in the enticing intro and when I read the wish a few paragraphs down I couldn’t help but laugh, since I knew he was going to regret this later.
The story is structured well and the protagonist is fairly well developed, though more details could help paint a better picture. You say he replies to Mark, whose message was just like him – this tells us something about Mark (I somehow knew what was gonna happen), but we don’t see our protagonist’s reply – which would have told us something about him. He also says his girlfriend is a †˜lovely girl’ – tell us how she is lovely. Knowing why he finds her lovely tells us not just about her, but also about him.
Final Thoughts:
So, has it gotten worse? Was it horrible? I don’t think so. This was an enjoyable read – at least until the end. I have to agree that the ending is not very well done. It doesn’t really make much sense for him to die. I don’t mind a bad ending, but this one just feels a bit lazy.
Stylistically not much has changed from last year’s entry. This story does however feel more rushed as I mentioned above. It could be more concise and more detailed. The dialogue and the middle part in general also felt a bit unreal. While I like the idea of referencing your stories, it somehow broke up the vision I had of this story a bit. The dialogue also felt forced, but this was partly true for the entire piece. Especially in the middle the protagonist seems to be overly happy, which we are told basically in every sentence.
But winter never changes.
But maybe AZA’s writing does? Has it taken a turn for the worse? I do remember your entry from last year, which I liked a lot. I think the writing was more proficient then. With your choice of words and sentence structure this story seems lazier and more rushed.
I won’t go into detail regarding grammar since I’ve done a lot of that today, feel free to look at my other feedback comments if you care. The issues here are mostly sentence structure and choice of words – it reads like a piece that’s been rushed out. There are repetitions (I did, I did, I did – which is an issue of the first-person narrator, but it can be circumvented), and strange capitalizations throughout. Some words are in full caps, some are capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
It also feels fragmented overall. After almost every sentence is a line break, slowing down the flow of the text.
I found his wish for a white Christmas quite amusing. He cursed in the enticing intro and when I read the wish a few paragraphs down I couldn’t help but laugh, since I knew he was going to regret this later.
The story is structured well and the protagonist is fairly well developed, though more details could help paint a better picture. You say he replies to Mark, whose message was just like him – this tells us something about Mark (I somehow knew what was gonna happen), but we don’t see our protagonist’s reply – which would have told us something about him. He also says his girlfriend is a †˜lovely girl’ – tell us how she is lovely. Knowing why he finds her lovely tells us not just about her, but also about him.
Final Thoughts:
So, has it gotten worse? Was it horrible? I don’t think so. This was an enjoyable read – at least until the end. I have to agree that the ending is not very well done. It doesn’t really make much sense for him to die. I don’t mind a bad ending, but this one just feels a bit lazy.
Stylistically not much has changed from last year’s entry. This story does however feel more rushed as I mentioned above. It could be more concise and more detailed. The dialogue and the middle part in general also felt a bit unreal. While I like the idea of referencing your stories, it somehow broke up the vision I had of this story a bit. The dialogue also felt forced, but this was partly true for the entire piece. Especially in the middle the protagonist seems to be overly happy, which we are told basically in every sentence.
But winter never changes.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
FGRaptor wrote...
Winter... Winter never changes.But maybe AZA’s writing does? Has it taken a turn for the worse? I do remember your entry from last year, which I liked a lot. I think the writing was more proficient then. With your choice of words and sentence structure this story seems lazier and more rushed.
I won’t go into detail regarding grammar since I’ve done a lot of that today, feel free to look at my other feedback comments if you care. The issues here are mostly sentence structure and choice of words – it reads like a piece that’s been rushed out. There are repetitions (I did, I did, I did – which is an issue of the first-person narrator, but it can be circumvented), and strange capitalizations throughout. Some words are in full caps, some are capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
It also feels fragmented overall. After almost every sentence is a line break, slowing down the flow of the text.
I found his wish for a white Christmas quite amusing. He cursed in the enticing intro and when I read the wish a few paragraphs down I couldn’t help but laugh, since I knew he was going to regret this later.
The story is structured well and the protagonist is fairly well developed, though more details could help paint a better picture. You say he replies to Mark, whose message was just like him – this tells us something about Mark (I somehow knew what was gonna happen), but we don’t see our protagonist’s reply – which would have told us something about him. He also says his girlfriend is a †˜lovely girl’ – tell us how she is lovely. Knowing why he finds her lovely tells us not just about her, but also about him.
Final Thoughts:
So, has it gotten worse? Was it horrible? I don’t think so. This was an enjoyable read – at least until the end. I have to agree that the ending is not very well done. It doesn’t really make much sense for him to die. I don’t mind a bad ending, but this one just feels a bit lazy.
Stylistically not much has changed from last year’s entry. This story does however feel more rushed as I mentioned above. It could be more concise and more detailed. The dialogue and the middle part in general also felt a bit unreal. While I like the idea of referencing your stories, it somehow broke up the vision I had of this story a bit. The dialogue also felt forced, but this was partly true for the entire piece. Especially in the middle the protagonist seems to be overly happy, which we are told basically in every sentence.
But winter never changes.
Yup. I guess that was the biggest problem for me, There was word limit and also I barely had time to really do much with this due to how busy I am. I'll probably have to get back into the writing groove and update my Fanfics more to improve.
Still, I really appreciate the review. It's great to see someone noticed exactly what I was wondering. That some parts were just bad.
But, Well, you liked the starting? That's great. The middle part was just for fun, mostly, And was kind of setting up how he was going to get his happiness totally crushed so much that he turns suicidal.
But yes, I knew that ending was nonsensical. I didn't know what to do with it, TBH.
And Yeah I suppose i missed out some details I could have added, and again i would blame the word limit but i guess it's also my own incompetence.
Hmm. If only I could get a contest with a good theme...One that actually gave me true inspiration. That would be awesome, kind of like the original first contest i entered.
But welp, Doesn't matter, thanks a lot for the review. I'll keep the words in mind for next time.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Make it more nonsensical! This is leonard267 writing! Will be parodying your entry very soon perhaps by the day after tomorrow! So many entries...
0
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
leonard267 wrote...
Make it more nonsensical! This is leonard267 writing! Will be parodying your entry very soon perhaps by the day after tomorrow! So many entries...You go ahead and make it nonsensical, then, yeah?
1
I haven't had time to read the entries until now. But I sure can see what I have been missing.
It wasn't great.
I think yours this year, overall, seems lazy and rushed to me. No matter how the others have praised the piece, I think you have quite taken the downhill way in your writing. I actually feel like you were drunk while writing this, lol
Firstly, the storyline. I don't think it was good. Simple, to the point of blandness, predictable, unoriginal, are what I thought of the piece after I read it. I mean, readers could have seen all the story before it even began... The middle part when you mentioned references to your previous works, which I have read them all so I can understand what you were trying to do, but it wasn't great, or even necessary, because it doesn't contribute any plot to the actual story that was being told. The story overall feels slow and doesn't really feel like anything cool to me. You could have pushed the pace a bit and made room for more plot and stuffs. The ending? Don't get me started. Seems like the author doesn't think of not only the beginning, the structure of the story, but the ending as well.
Secondly, the grammar and the use of English. What's with the capped words? I can cope with weirdly structured sentences, but messed up, capped letters in the middle of the sentences is just a punch to my eyes. Over-usage of phrases like "You bastard you" or "happy, so happy" is a big minus for me, too.
Thirdly, the characters. If I ask you right now "what do you remember from Wil?" or "Who's the character Wil?", what will you have to answer? I would only say "He's a dead guy, whose family are also dead, with impressionability issue because he gets overly happy for some reasons when he just meet random people out on the streets." And he wished them good luck in their relationship? I mean, who gives a f*ck in front of who are entwining in his/ her hands in her lover's. And I would not be wrong, because that is basically what one would know of Wil from the story. Let's say I accept that he gets happy for nothing, then happy how? You didn't say how happy he was feeling. Just "happy, so happy". There's no backgrounds on the characters whatsoever. She who? Didn't even have a name for 'the girlfriend'. Mark suffers the same fate. Their lives? Their ambitions? Their reasons for coming to Earth? Readers didn't get any of that. Btw, did Wil really just walk all over town all morning, because you didn't told us he had gone anywhere else, getting overly happy and then run through the town again in the evening? He shouldn't have died because he would make a great marathoner. Then at least reader would know what he could have become.
Final Comments:
Far below the standards that were set by your last piece from the winter contest, which I really enjoyed, and I'm sorry to say this, but this one sucks. I'm also sorry if I offended you with my straightforwardness, which I think I would. You could have scrapped the current middle part and replace with something richer in content. Compared to your previous works, I think this one was really lazy, or if not, then really badly thought out. You could have just posted for the sake of participating, but if you're gonna give us something to read, and nobody read because you ask, then I don't want to read a boring story like this. Your old ones are way better.
But in my fashion, good luck to you as well in the poll.
You like it because it's like yours, lol!
I actually like the ideas you suggested to AZA, though. I laughed hard when I read those ideas.
It wasn't great.
I think yours this year, overall, seems lazy and rushed to me. No matter how the others have praised the piece, I think you have quite taken the downhill way in your writing. I actually feel like you were drunk while writing this, lol
Firstly, the storyline. I don't think it was good. Simple, to the point of blandness, predictable, unoriginal, are what I thought of the piece after I read it. I mean, readers could have seen all the story before it even began... The middle part when you mentioned references to your previous works, which I have read them all so I can understand what you were trying to do, but it wasn't great, or even necessary, because it doesn't contribute any plot to the actual story that was being told. The story overall feels slow and doesn't really feel like anything cool to me. You could have pushed the pace a bit and made room for more plot and stuffs. The ending? Don't get me started. Seems like the author doesn't think of not only the beginning, the structure of the story, but the ending as well.
Secondly, the grammar and the use of English. What's with the capped words? I can cope with weirdly structured sentences, but messed up, capped letters in the middle of the sentences is just a punch to my eyes. Over-usage of phrases like "You bastard you" or "happy, so happy" is a big minus for me, too.
Thirdly, the characters. If I ask you right now "what do you remember from Wil?" or "Who's the character Wil?", what will you have to answer? I would only say "He's a dead guy, whose family are also dead, with impressionability issue because he gets overly happy for some reasons when he just meet random people out on the streets." And he wished them good luck in their relationship? I mean, who gives a f*ck in front of who are entwining in his/ her hands in her lover's. And I would not be wrong, because that is basically what one would know of Wil from the story. Let's say I accept that he gets happy for nothing, then happy how? You didn't say how happy he was feeling. Just "happy, so happy". There's no backgrounds on the characters whatsoever. She who? Didn't even have a name for 'the girlfriend'. Mark suffers the same fate. Their lives? Their ambitions? Their reasons for coming to Earth? Readers didn't get any of that. Btw, did Wil really just walk all over town all morning, because you didn't told us he had gone anywhere else, getting overly happy and then run through the town again in the evening? He shouldn't have died because he would make a great marathoner. Then at least reader would know what he could have become.
Final Comments:
Far below the standards that were set by your last piece from the winter contest, which I really enjoyed, and I'm sorry to say this, but this one sucks. I'm also sorry if I offended you with my straightforwardness, which I think I would. You could have scrapped the current middle part and replace with something richer in content. Compared to your previous works, I think this one was really lazy, or if not, then really badly thought out. You could have just posted for the sake of participating, but if you're gonna give us something to read, and nobody read because you ask, then I don't want to read a boring story like this. Your old ones are way better.
But in my fashion, good luck to you as well in the poll.
leonard267 wrote...
Some rambles.You like it because it's like yours, lol!
I actually like the ideas you suggested to AZA, though. I laughed hard when I read those ideas.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Spoiler:
Haha, Harsh.
But well, I can definitely see where you're coming from. I was kind of pressed for time, and I was kind of wondering how to fill the middle part so I just went ahead and put references, which kind of made no real sense whatsoever, anyhow.
Hmm. You are a bit blunt, But i always appreciate your critique. Haha. This WAS rushed. And i'm never really good at portraying a sad end as much as a happy end so, Well, you know. Hah, Excuses.
Hmm. Well, what can i say? It's not as well developed or structured or, hell, as inspired as my previous works. Inspiration plays a big part in the success of a story too, IMO. Man, I just wish there was a contest for Valentines Day or something, because I think i'd have a good piece for that. (I tend to fare better writing romancey mushy stuff)
Haha. In all the contests I entered, I was most proud of my first one. That one was really inspired and taken from a piece I am still considering possibly trying to publish in future. Hmm. The second one was a bit...uninspired but i tried to go with it. The third one was pretty decent IMO. This one is downright horrible. I might have been drunk off tiredness, if that's what you mean.
Anyway, screw it, I'll do better next time, hopefully. Sorry fer, well, wasting your time. Maybe some people are even more bored than you that they'd think this was better than doing nothing, but haha that doesn't help at all.
Yup. Not at all.
Hmm. I feel like i'm rambling. Anyway, To summarize, I'm not so petty as to hate you for honest criticism, even if you are...well, amazingly blunt. I admit, it did hurt a bit to read it, but well, it's for my own improvement so i appreciate it. you wrote it at the risk of me hating you, which in the end wasn't even a risk because i'm not that much of a petty person.
Welp. Now that i think about it i could have developed it better. I suppose. I need to go brush up my skills, I can't publish shit like this and expect to earn anything.
I suppose I won't really be on here anymore for a while til the next contest, so have fun I suppose.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Spoiler:
Don't say that. We will always welcome you in the Writing Section and the Writer's Lounge. I will post a parody of your entry by the end of the this week right after finishing a book review. (I do apologise for the delay.)
I say this with all seriousness that I liked your entry. It is good to have a bad ending for a change. You can ask Dawn of Dark how I interpreted his story.
1
AssasinZAssasin
Not Hentai Protagonist
Spoiler:
Welp, I'd love to see that, Haha. A crazy plot made even crazier? That'd be a thing to behold.
But really, I generally am only on here for contests and such, I post on fanfiction for my ongoing fics.
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xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
I really liked the overall flow of the story and the general idea behind it. I confess that my preconceptions altered the way I was reading; for some reason, I simply didn't expect the ntr ending! I was waiting for the vanilla, and then bam, it dawned on me far too late. Oh the horror! Anyways, this was far from horrible and certainly not ridiculous. However...
There's a lot of work and polishing that needs to be done! The internal dialogue feels lacking, and some of the scenes feels too long or unnecessary, like the meeting with the first couple. I think you could've reduced that to some internal dialogue rather than covering the entire conversation. I've seen how well you can write, and I definitely think that the internal dialogue and your descriptions could've been richer.
It's not bad bad as you make it out to be. I enjoyed it, and I'm glad that you entered!
There's a lot of work and polishing that needs to be done! The internal dialogue feels lacking, and some of the scenes feels too long or unnecessary, like the meeting with the first couple. I think you could've reduced that to some internal dialogue rather than covering the entire conversation. I've seen how well you can write, and I definitely think that the internal dialogue and your descriptions could've been richer.
It's not bad bad as you make it out to be. I enjoyed it, and I'm glad that you entered!