[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Cold Winter

Definitely touching on some sore points there, but thanks a lot for the review.

Hmm. Nothing feels worse than betraying expectations X.x.

Haha. But yes, Damn NTR. I felt horrible for writing this, but in accordance to the theme of "Cold"...Eh.

Yes, polishing. I didn't have much time after writing this so i just posted it.
Yeah, the part with the references should have been slightly shorter, definitely, and also...descriptions werent really at the forefront of my thought process when factoring in the time and word limit restraints. Then again, those are probably just excuses.

I COULD have done better. Well, I'll try to do so some other time.

And i'll also probably go back to the Vanilla bits. This one was a bit...jarring to write.

I guess that letting my brain shut down when i'm writing is a bad idea. The flow and story turn out somewhat okay, and then the actual writing itself is bad makes no difference. X.x.

I need to buck up. Fanfiction is waiting for me and i intend to work on my writing from there.

Don't worry about a lack of time coming up with an entry. Don't worry about shutting your brain down while writing. This parody is thought up of right on the spot!

6. Parody of AssasinZAssasin's Entry : Very, Very, Very Cold Winter

This would be the third or fourth time I have said this. I enjoyed your entry thoroughly. It is styled like one of my monologues and the tone of the entry is ironic starting off with sappy romance and ending off being gloomy and glum. The ending may be rushed but I appreciate a bad ending. You do know that I express a little disdain for romance and it appears that your entry is disdainful of that concept as well.

I said that the only problem with your entry is that is not leonard267-ish enough. Indeed, I will attach an addendum at the end of my little parody of your entry on how to write like leonard267. Now, let this self-proclaimed expert show you how it is done:



Whoever was it that presupposes that Christmas or the New Year is that magical season when all of a sudden you find the love of life, everything would be alright, the sun would shine and there would be world peace? Come to think of it, disasters happen at that time of that year when revellers make an utter mess, stampeding happens in overcrowded bars, fires are started due to the fireworks, people die from the sheer cold, people die from the sheer heat down under, tempests, floods and hail plague many countries around the world and the weather is still horrible where leonard267 comes from.

I am a simple man with simple tastes and simple wants. Being a young man of marriageable age, it is alright if there is no world peace, it is alright if the sun doesn't shine, it is even alright if everything is not alright but for the love of God, if I can't find the love of my life, it is not alright. I was told by some section of an online forum that I need to mingle with more people, attend more social gatherings in order to find what would hopefully be my partner till the day that I drop dead. So, I took their advice and went into a club filled with people who are more than eager to get drunk.

However, the drunk people in the bar being drunk, begun stripping my clothes off in some bizarre dance sequence that involves poles and scantily clad women who are very poor candidates for lifelong partners. I extricated myself from the bar with the skin of my teeth only to find myself clad in nothing but my undergarments outdoors at the start of a hypothermia inducing winter season. Dismayed at my failure to lay my hands on a woman, I begun feeling glum, grumpy, frustrated, angry and every other synonym available that describes such unpleasant feelings. With a heavy heart, I begun making my journey back home step by step in that bitter winter cold.

It was then I felt as if I encountered three visitations by the ghouls ghosts of Christmas, except that it was I, not them who did the visiting. Before I go into detail, allow me to say that the appear to be the embodiment of that Christmas / New Year myth where everything is alright, the sun is shining, there is world peace and worst best of all, they have found the love of their lives. Also, might I add, they are not stripped down to their undergarments meaning that they are quite comfortable and meaning that I have to suppress the urge to wallop them. It was rather obvious that these feelings of unhappiness have mutated into a desire for war on Earth and ill will to all mankind.

The first visitation was that of a poor couple. The following was their dialogue:
"Do you remember what happened last Christmas, Wil?"
“Of course, Claire, how could I forget? It’s the same day I picked you up. That day, right when I felt life had no real meaning left…I found you. And you’re the reason I live for now, Claire…”
Putting aside the squeamishness of it all, I did realise that the couple were living on a shoestring. My thoughts turned to whether they were given a fuel allowance to tide the cold of the winter. My thoughts also turned to whether their homes have central heating in the first place. All of these pronouncements of their undying love appear to crumble away if they don't move to warmer climes or get rich enough so that won't die due to winter cold. Do ignore the irony of a man clad in nothing but his underpants wondering if the couple would die of the cold. Also, do ignore the fact that that couple failed to notice a man walking past them nearly naked.


The second visitation was disturbing. What appeared to be a humanoid with feline features on her ears and tail is behaving rather promiscuously. Her partner, a very young boy, on the other hand appeared to be enjoying himself. I swear that the moment I turn my back they will breeding like stray cats which will ultimately be sent to the pound, sterilised and slaughtered. Have the young have no sense of decency, no sense of shame and no sense of common sense?! I thought they are young and have less means of supporting themselves than the paupers I had encountered before. I thought intimacy between loving couples is so sacred that it ought not to be cheapened by gross public displays! I thought that if they were to do it in temperatures lower than the freezing point of ice, their genitals would drop off! I will assume that the very young woman is wearing a costume. Notwithstanding the fact that I dressed in nothing but my boxers,




As if things could not get worse, calling the third visitation disturbing is a gross understatement. I chanced upon a man, seated on bench. On his crotch laid a dog. Seeing the poor in love engenders feelings of jealousy. Seeing the young behaving promiscuously engenders feelings of disgust. Seeing an attempt at bestiality would leave one's mental faculties unable to process those feelings at all. I did the only proper thing which was to lunge at man-dog lovers, with only my boxers on, my male mammary glands bouncing up and down and my pubic hair for all to see. I could have properly manhandled the two creatures for attempting bestiality if I did not black out all of a sudden due to the sheer cold.


It was then I found myself in a space beyond space and a time beyond time. I do not know if I have left the mortal realm. I do know however that I have the means to communicate all of this to anyone who is willing to read through these walls of text. Who says that one can't have a dreadful end to the year?

Yet, more importantly, what is the moral of the story?



Addendum -- How to Write Like Leonard267

Pfft. That was interesting. already a 100 times better than mine.

I really...have no words. Heh. Good job, I liked how ridiculous it was. And my references? I liked the bestiality one that one was hilarious. But why is the dog sitting on his crotch...pfft.

I am glad you liked it. I am sure you have read the list of how to write like leonard267? It wasn't that difficult to come up with that parody (and the list). I think it is because it is nonsensical and does not require that much effort in ensuring that the plot progresses properly.

Grammar: Odd. There are plenty of little errors, but as usual, I could generally ignore them since it was a Leonard-esque thing that flowed fairly well (despite my usual hatred of jumps in time). I have an issue with with word shone as IT JUST BOTHERS ME even though it's technically correct.

Story Flow: Generally solid. The pace was good and kept my attention throughout the entirety of the story. The random ALL CAPS didn't really do it for me as the replacement could have been italics. Why? Because for me, italics implies nuances while ALL CAPS equates to shouting. LOUD NOISES!

Topical/Theme: COLD. Cold. Cold.

Genre: Introspective / POV

Main Perspective: Life seems to end with a bang (not by you), then a whimper.

Personals: Please condense your paragraphs. I don't know why, but I felt that it was too long just because there were a bunch of little paragraphs rather than one solid one that would normally complete a single idea. It felt a lot like "HERE IS WHAT I AM THINKING. ACCEPT IT" rather than an organized thought process.

Even if that is what your writing style is (no problem with that), try to review your splurge over and over again until you personally can create an organized thought process. I agree with the previous posts that it seemed a bit rushed (hence the lack of reviewing). I'd rather not go into the whole reviewing bit about grammar and word usage as everyone's done that to death about now.

In general, the flow felt fairly solid, but the execution of the writing seemed both a bit rushed and unrealistic. Always remember to ask yourself, "Would I think this?"

I did, however, like the white Christmas cause god knows his best friend is giving his girlfriend a white Christmas over and over again.

Haha. This is actually a rather...weird entry. It's structured a bit differently than how i normally write (I think? Refer my other works?)

And yeah...I normally release better stuff when i'm not rushing or pressed for time. Or, word limits, but honestly, these just sound like excuses.

Welp. Thanks for the review. I really appreciate the honesty. All caps were more of a...random thing i have no idea why i put in.

Hmm...What can i say...This is not exactly my "Best" work, tbh. I'm most proud of my first one, and third one of the 4 on this site, if you ask me personally.

This was one of my worst works...Solid structure means jack when the content is just...nothing.

Still, thanks a lot for taking the time to read this, i'll do better next time, hopefully.

Well, I think no-one wouldn't be pissed of after reading what I have said the previous page (haha...). I understand if you were angry, hell, I would punch the guy if someone were to say something like that to my face. I appreciate your generosity and the way you took it with an open mind.

I hope you will not be as busy and write a better story next time :3

What, for constructive criticism? I'm used to that, really. If you want to be a writer, you gotta be used to criticism. Not be so petty as to lash out as any sign of criticism. (no joke, i got a death threat before)

Hah. I'm glad for your honesty, if anything.

Yeah, I hope so too.

I really hope it wasn't for your writing. I know you've gotten a lot of gruff for commenting on the uploads a lot, but I hope that toned down when you started uploading. People can be pretty cruel sometimes. You don't deserve it and I'm behind you 100%.

Death Threat? Pfft. Not on this site, luckily, but I have received one before for my writing.

And yes, my continuous comments have pissed people off before, (someone made an account about that...Heh).

The thing is they can insult all they want, but it's all through a screen. doesn't mean much except empty threats.

Thanks. I appreciate the support, man. Speaking of which, I might get started on the next upload soon...

I can't vote in the comments section. Suspect it is a bug. I have a secret ambition to be the Shinji Ex of the Comments Section or your antithesis Assassin. That means having flip through every comic posted! Tough job.

You guys are making me feel like I'm the bad guy here T.T

Dawn, there's nothing wrong with giving honest criticism. Though I did think you were a bit unnecessarily harsh in some parts (i.e. "I actually feel like you were drunk while writing this, lol," "Seems like the author doesn't think of not only the beginning, the structure of the story, but the ending as well."), I don't think you broke the boundary too much that I consider to be "too far" where one transitions from criticizing the work to insulting the author.



He already has an antithesis who made an account just to complain at how much he was posting, calling himself "STFUAssassin." Haven't seen much of him recently, though, but I'm really really far behind on the uploads.

god damn it, death threats on your writing? what the heck do you write to incite such thing?

I have written something about a man having sex with a giant cockroach without any troubles at all. maybe there's a lot of victims, but you know, no life casualties - yet.

Indeed, Luckily I haven't seen much of him lately. I hope he learned his lesson and maybe wisened up with what little he has. Seriously, who does this kind of idiotic petty things? Make an account just to bash?

Hmm, and about Dawn, Sure it felt a bit...jaded? But I appreciate honesty and criticism...Even if, well, it's kind of brutal honesty, yeah?
I will admit I cringed a bit reading that review, but i've had worse (death threats, really?)



FanFiction? I was doing some slight bashing of a character (who hasn't even been released by the creators themselves in a game!!) for some comedy in my work, and then someone is offended by me "insulting" their fav character and threatens to stab me or something in my sleep. (That was the serious one. another one threatened to beat me to death with a waffle, but i'm not sure about that one.)

oh that - it makes sense now. yeah, you got lots of insane people in the fanfiction world =)

well I said just take it easy. the road might be rough and hard but I believe this will take you down a successful path in the future.

I would really like to read a composition of you lampooning anything! This is pretty much what I write on this site. Some of the comments at the manga section are a tad disturbing. When I do a light hearted criticism of the plausibility of a romantic love story portrayed in a particular comic, the response is hostile.

Makes me want to be the ShinjiEx of the comments section even more. At least I am on better terms with you Assassin than that person.

I'm probably laughing far harder than I should be at this. Death by waffle, oh god!

And for the record, I actually enjoy the fact that you comment on like all (or almost all?) doujins. I dunno, I just don't see any reason for anyone to be angry about you commenting often. If anything, I'm impressed at the sheer volume that you are able to get through xD

Speaking of which, lovely avatar.
Lightning?

I write fanfiction with her in the shipping. Just thought i'd say that.

Sheer volume, eh? Haha. I dunno, I like commenting. It's fun. And yes, I sincerely hope he meant Waffle and not a waffle iron.



And yes, We are on better terms than THAT thing.

You better be working on the story of the waffle killer right now, because I want to read that.