KoopaH Posts

Hey, my pleasure. Sorry that it took me so long to notice it. But senpai eventually noticed you after all, kohai.

I hope that your teaching responsibilities aren't overly burdening you. I understand that it can be more than a handful of hard work, however.



Yes, I suspected that you were trying to do this, and I can see that from one element because of your emphasis on describing the memories of Cecelia being struck.



Sorry to disappoint you by noticing your plot holes. If you want to leave it in through convenience, that's fine. It didn't exactly inhibit my enjoyment of your writing, but perhaps a similar effect might have been conveyed by having her shadow Charlotte and be extra clingy? Or have her be suspiciously silent and depressed? Have Charlotte lock her in James' room until he can convince her to snap out of it? Those are my initial suggestions, but you can do as you see fit.



You probably did a fine job, but I know better than to trust new characters that try to appeal to a character when they're weak in order to get close alone time with them, especially when they later mention how much they adore them and the maid lady who saved them even when most would ignore such a person, and a spy would make it their business to remember. You can just call me paranoid, but I like to call things out ahead of time if I can. If I did, you would have proof that I figured it out before I read it, Haha!



It's nothing to apologize for. Clearly it worked for what you intended and it's nice to have a bit of action in this story when you're building up the tension to be life-threatening. This is what we can expect. I look forward to seeing how you write about James "torturing" information out of her. And if that's the case, I suppose we can add "orgasm denial" to the kink tags of this story. I jest, though. Do as you wish (but I claim no responsibility for whatever seed this comment plants in your mind).



I suspect it might have been their light-hardheartedness that caused me to feel a bit more calm even considering there was an attempted murderer in the back (and not the trunk?) Please, though, feel free to update as often as you see fit. It's completely understandable and make no attempt to rush. The longer it's in the works, the better the quality, I always say.

I almost thought that this was a new series entirely since it was renamed, but it seems to be a new arc. I'll give my thoughts on each chapter.

---

Chapter 1: The Broken

So, recalling what I could from when I last read this series years ago will be tough, but I'll do my best.

It was very intense at the beginning, things were very dramatic as there was a lot of emotion from James waking up. Almost a bit melodramatic. Seemed like slapping Charlotte was a bit of an overreaction in my eyes and makes James out to be easy to lash out in abuse when angry and scared, and maybe that's what you were aiming for, but it seemed over-the-top for what I remember of his typical mentality. After that, though, the emotion from the scenes are described well enough. I'd say the part with Reimi being fixated on her imperfection and sad that her body will never return to being as good as it used to be for her, there is a slight bit of existential dread in the sadness of one's body changing against one's will that really had me feeling for her in that moment, so well done.

The erotic scene was well enough. Although the sentence "He fired one thick ropey strand after another, four months’ worth of backed up sexual frustration being unleashed down Charlotte’s throat." had me thinking too much about the simularities between it and the fabled Sword Art Online Extra Chapter line "Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into asuna." It didn't destroy the moment for me, but it was something amusing I thought about in that moment.

Anyway, well done and here are the glaring errors I noticed.





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Chapter 2: A Long-Awaited Moment

This was an intense chapter, a lot of emotional moments. I'm glad that James could bring Reimi out of her funk. There were a few things that I'm not sure would line up well realistically, but that's okay. I'm mainly thinking of how they probably would want to get patients out of the hospital as soon as possible, and there's probably no reason at all they would admit Reimi in when her issue would have been determined to be psychological in nature. It's alright to set that aside, though.

The situation with Nurse Stacy was kind of funny. Interesting fantasy material, but also a funny porn trope. I'm sure it must have been fun to write about. There's an issue with Nurse Stacy, however. She asks James why his identity is being kept secret, but then later says his name, Master Sorrowsworn, when taking the tray away when Charlotte arrives. I guess either secrets get whispered around or this is a mistake. Or perhaps it is only being kept a secret from the public, as the next chapter is telling me.

Well done with this chapter and here are the errors that I noticed. Ask me if any are not obvious.











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Chapter 3: Back in Action

I suppose keeping James' identity secret was held by the hospital staff so she knows his name in confidence.

You know, I kind of suspected that Stacy was a spy of some sort, but I thought, well then why isn't she just poisoning James' meals that she's making him?

Stacy stayed on the car because she thought James and Charlotte would get out of it? Before Reimi caught up to her? That's a stretch.

I'm actually impressed at the chase scene. It goes on a little long, but I could imagine it playing out like in an action film.

The rest of it was pretty nice, I especially enjoyed that reunion with Cecelia and imagining that lime green car going by the countryside in the fall. A very picturesque image.

Great work on this chapter, crazr, and I'm pleased to be caught up now. I'll be looking forward to the next installation sometime soon, I hope.

Here are the relevant fixes I noticed. Ask if any need explaining:

You did wonderfully this year, even with the difficulty in producing it.

And no, don't think I'm gonna write poems or limericks anymore, at least in an official manner. Probably exactly for the reason that I'm participating from here on.

Thank you very much to everyone for participating this year. It's great that we can come together, practice our writing a bit, and receive honest feedback on each other's works. We may have gotten small over these years, but I really love how dedicated this group is in sticking around, at least for the seasonal events that bring us much joy and camaraderie. Thanks for being here with me in keeping this nice tradition of ours going. It means a lot to me, and us all.

I'll be PMing you all for your choices of prizes for participating this year. Depending on how long it takes everyone to respond, expect a week or so to get them, after I forward that information to FAKKU!

Congratulations goes to d(^_^)(^_^)d for his winning submission Another Battle! You have rightfully won the Reader's Choice award. Well done!

Congratulations also goes to FYakuza and I guess me for the entries The start of an adventure and Fantastic Paths: Discovering the Attributes Within. I guess we tie for rightfully earning the Runner-up positions. High five!

There won't be a winners thread since there's no need to reveal a Judge's Choice award this year. We have all the winners right here, enjoy your bragging rights.

Well done, all.

So, better late than never, right?

Well, I read through this rewriting of the first chapter and I have to say it was nice to reacquaint myself with the beginning in its updated form. I also took a look at the original first chapter side-by-side with this new one and I have to say that I liked many of the changes. I thought it was amusing the changes you made to not referencing "FAKKU!" directly anymore, and how you updated describing it as well. Although this was years ago, and much has changed, it might even require an update once more! But that's just a joke. Removing the direct reference makes that inconsequential. I also really liked the addition of exposition in the beginning. That really helped to solidify the context of the story and help build a useful framework for the story setting.

I realize this isn't the new chapter you were talking about, but wanted to take a look anyway. Looking forward to reading the new ones.

You're most welcome.

Something very beautiful about poetry is that there will inevitably be numerous ways to interpret the words and passages. I wanted to share with you my immediate thoughts about each line because it's a fun exercise and shows you what a fresh reader is thinking as they go. Just like interpreting fine art, some people will have different theories about your motivations and meanings, maybe things you weren't even aware of in the first place. Sometimes people may completely miss your subtext, chasing their own thoughts and feelings instead. It's great to learn now what you meant, but don't consider it a failure if I might have seen different things in your lines. That helps to make it more broad and pliable, and thus more meaningful to me. I'm no expert in poetry, but that's what I enjoy most from it.

As well, I'm just pleased that you managed to find the effort to contribute. Thank you for that. And congratulations on your epic. If it is anything like your vampire story of old that you posted here (only better since I'm sure that you've gained a lot of experience since then), I'm certain that it will be fantastic. I hope, if you decide to seek publication, that it will be well-received.

I really enjoyed reading this flow-of-thought piece. There's plenty to relate to, at least for me, personally. Sometimes I sleep with my phone, sometimes I browse it until it drops out of my hands off the side of the bed, poor thing. Or sometimes onto my face, even. Ouch. But it kind of reminds me the kinship that comes from relying on a tool so much, for so much entertainment. It might as well be an actual part of us, like a new limb. Maybe they do dream.



My, this was a sad story. Since you mentioned Nae and Asago in the first one, I wonder if one of them was a personified phone in this dream, or should I say nightmare. It was very helpless and desperate, even though there wasn't too much context for why it was happening.



This one is a little odd, because it seems to be confusing in some parts. Maybe the guy has some sort of multiple personality disorder in his switch from being masochistic to sadistic, taking harm, causing harm, then healing harm and trying to make things normal again. If the bully was bullying him a month back, why does he talk about them knowing each other since childhood with their other friend Bruce? I won't put too much credibility in his claims, since he might be a little unhinged, especially with the last sentence of speaking to a man behind glass. I wonder if he's in prison for some reason, talking through a glass like that. Interesting story, nonetheless.


This story is pretty chaotic. There's a lot being talked about and the conversation is all over the place. I did appreciate the amount of personality in the characters, though. For many parts, I felt as though reading it was like hearing the main character talk about it. There's some interesting fourth-wall breaks, and some references I don't think I get. It was pretty difficult to follow, as there's a lot of dialogue between the people. I still thought Nae might be a phone. And I also thought maybe a Ned is a reference to some measurement of digital time or something. It was certainly interesting, for sure.

Thanks for getting around to writing and submitting these, flame. It was great to have your participation this year, so thanks for joining us. I'm glad you did.

Hey, I think it's very neat to see a poem here and there. I'll do my best to run through and talk about my immediate initial interpretations of the lines, not that they're too cryptic.


7 - Black and white, perhaps the night sky and stars? Perhaps the name of the song that began playing to a fireworks show?


8 - Color of sound, this is an interesting passage because it could mean many things. Maybe it's the color of absence before the fireworks launch?


8 - A nice pointing towards a blank night sky.


8 - Perhaps a blue shade, or maybe a blue-green?


8 - Is this the color of primrose? Ha, or perhaps a candy like a Turkish Delight? That was my first thought.




8 - Naturally, fireworks can be quite noisy.


10 - A purple hue, and commentary on the thumping that the loud blasts can evoke within one's body.


10 - Although glass is usually clear, maybe a stained glass? And isn't it interesting how the explosion of a firework can spread like a broken glass? But what is this love?


8 - Is she the love? Is this speaking to the memories that can be made during fireworks and can sometimes return when experiencing them?




8 - A nice descriptor.


8 - A more keener descriptor with interesting depth and emphasis.


8 - Rekindled, as opposed to freshly kindled. Perhaps more memories?


9 - Perhaps a call to the notion of using nights like those filled with fireworks as an event for a milestone of life.




4 - The trope of a moment of silence before a climax of sorts.




8 - A stunning image of ruby lips? From lipstick?


12 - Thus, fireworks burst, like sped-up videos of flowers in bloom.

Well, that was a nice bit of fun. I really enjoyed reading through this, I feel like, as someone who enjoys a nice fireworks display, that there's a lot to relate to, between the colors and the shapes, and the feelings that come up. I noted the pace in syllables next to each passage, mostly hovering around 8 per line. It occasionally deviated, but I still found it pleasant enough.

Thanks for submitting this, it's always nice to read something from you, Yanker.

My feelings about this are pretty melancholy. I've written something similar in scope a long while ago, so I understand the tropes that come with the haunted reality of writing about a war hero after a war. I will say, however, that I really enjoyed the pace of this and even though a lot of the melodrama I felt was poorly manufactured, I still appreciated reading through it. I really liked reading the letter as a form of exposition, for example. Great use of it as a tool. That said, when I complained about the drama, what I meant is that I was not happy with your choices when it came to representing the mother's modern personality in reacting so obsessively against Ryan returning. It doesn't follow suit with her after we learn that she crafted that album of the war and his part in it. It might just be a personal confusion of mine, but I don't see how her behavior follows logically after we learn about the album. I would expect her to react a bit differently. Now, of course, people are far from logical; very often emotion clouds and paints our actions in ways we can't control. That's why I felt Ryan's reaction, even if an overreaction in the heat of the moment, is believable. But her reaction of anger in him having the nerve to return, meanwhile making an album about him over the years, I would have expected something a bit more multi-dimensional. Now if she knew it was Ryan there when she died, that might give her some more depth in the later part, but there's no way to know. And she just died so suddenly, too. I would have liked a bit more closure there. Again, I realize life doesn't often provide that, but I, personally, would have enjoyed reading more about that.

That being said, thank you for writing this despite all that difficulty in coming up with something in time. If you manage to perfect it, I'd love to read that Zana sequel if it ever manages to get fixed. Reading what crazr said about the similarities between this and Violet Evergarden, I'll look forward to eventually watching that. It's on my never-ending to-watch list.

My inevitable list of fixes:



To the house.



Sheets of white snow. Or a sheet of white snow.



Shrank into nothing.

Thank you for the words of encouragement, Yanker. It's very much appreciated.

You know, I actually even purposefully limited my description of the character's appearance, besides from identifiers such as race and build, and a few possessions, so that the reader could be allowed to imagine them as they please. I was hoping the diversity would help with that, but, I suppose that didn't help since others were similar in conflating the characters.

I can understand the criticism about an excessive amount of characters when attentiveness is limited, especially when thrust into the action without much context. We've had some discussions here in the past, like from leonard, about the differences between stories that thrust one into the action, like Game of Thrones, and those that lead with tons of exposition and world setting, like Lord of the Rings. My default style is to be more descriptive of current action, but I would like to experiment more with omniscience in the future. Thanks for commenting about this.

I look forward to reading your entry.

So, this is a nice quaint story with a lot of descriptive thought and introspection from the character, concepts that I love. However, the melancholy flow of woe coming from the focal character did tend to go on to the point of dizziness. I had to re-read a few paragraphs to try and analyze where the person was in addition to what they were thinking about, but it wasn't too jarring. The change of perspective did cause a bit more awkwardness in reading, since reading the word "you" does make me think of me, even when I am well aware that these are introspective thoughts coming from the protagonist. Of course, I'm familiar with this style, so it's not too burdensome. As I read through, I was getting memories from watching the anime movie 5 Centimeters Per Second, but this had a good ending, although that is unsure. At the very least, the two happened to meet. The romantic from within me, who absolutely adores good endings, appreciated that and likes to think it worked out after that.

In terms of quality of writing, the story was excellently worded, for the most part. You make some simple mistakes, or perhaps make some choices, that hinder your style. I'm left wondering if you did it on purpose or if it's just clearly a typo. Many are the result of sentences being written in the style of a self-proclamation and a buffet of personal thought, but others are more clear in their errors. Allow me to list some examples:







As a whole, however, I enjoyed it and it's nice to read something thought-heavy. I'm sure everyone can relate in one way or another to a sense of regret and the melancholy of missing the experiences of the past, even the non-romantic ones. For that, I think this entry serves as a nice reminder of those emotions, so well done.

Thank you for joining us in the event with this piece.

Welcome to the first and only poll this year.

Since there are seven entries, I figured there wasn't much sense in breaking the polls down into smaller ones. This is the only poll, but there will be an extended time frame of a week to make your decisions.

The Reader's Choice and Runner-up winners will be declared when the poll ends. There are no judges this year, so this is the extent of any accolades of fame. If there is a tie, then whoever ties will deserve the appropriate level of the one they tie for.

When you read each submission, if you have not already, please take a moment to stop when you finish and write the author a little note how and if you liked it or some constructive criticism they could benefit from. I know that if you are an author, you may want the same done for you. Since there is no judge process and this poll is just for fun, I've already started commenting and will continue to until the contest ends and after, if need be.

I wish the entrants the best of luck. Happy reading, everyone.

Entries in this poll:

crazr submitted A (Not So) Lonely Christmas

FYakuza submitted The start of an adventure

Xenon submitted Fantastic Paths: Discovering the Attributes Within

Paper Shadows submitted City Lights

d(^_^)(^_^)d submitted Another Battle

Yanker submitted Fireworks on New Year's Eve

waterflame submitted 4 entries within I couldn't decide so have four

This comment made me smile greatly, crazr. Thank you for writing it. That was a very nice and interesting way to view the story. I'm glad that I could entertain someone who also has a history with D&D and Pathfinder, of which this of course draws inspiration from. I mean, the title and ending are somewhat on-the-nose references to this. Naturally for me, it was the ideal combination of thinking of the themes of Past (Fantasy) and Chance/Fate. It might also somewhat be influenced by watching a few episodes of Goblin Slayer a while back when it came out, but of course the plot is very different.

In regards to the amount of characterization, I wish I could have given them equal spotlight, and as much as it is funny to try and blame that imbalance on some meta comparison to how much different D&D players put certain amounts of effort into the backgrounds of their characters, that would be untrue. I'm afraid that's just the inevitability of trying to establish some character growth and moral lessons into a short story. Some characters are more focal than others because of their significance to the story, like Ignatius. That being said, they are indeed archetypes of their own kind, somewhat cliché although on purpose, because that better reflects their meanings for who they are and what they represent. You don't even have to examine much closer than the beginning of their names to figure out my intent in that regard.

As much as I dislike the idea of giving references away, because placing and hiding them is kinda fun, you guys are my friends and I think it's even more fun to let you in to see a bit behind my creative choices and process. This kind of speaks to why De Mont didn't wipe the party despite perhaps having the ability to do so, because of what and whom he represents, which—again—becomes even more evident when you realize what "De Mont" stands for. That also leads to why it's important that he leave when his army is vanquished and why he will inevitably return in the future to challenge the party in another way, because that is his representative role and purpose.

I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks for your honest thoughts and talking about your perspective on what could hypothetically be going on behind the scene. I might just have to try and recreate that image of a snowy afternoon of D&D nearby a fireplace with hot cocoa with my group. But Pathfinder since that's what my group plays. And with no fireplace since we have none. And no snow since we don't have any of that either right now. So just Pathfinder and hot cocoa is what I'm saying.

Also, thank you for linking to them. They're in a new thread, I see. Can't wait to read them, and that one summer rewrite I apparently missed.

Ha, and even more appropriately, this is what you said before as well.



To be fair, I think you did have a point, and despite trying to make those adjustments here, I seemed to still let those previous issues through. Maybe I'll be more successful next time if that's what I decide on.



Thank you, I'll keep these things in mind.



To be fair, she indirectly is responsible for taking down the biggest bad that the party took down. I suppose with how quickly it happened might feel hollow. Unless you mean to what degree the songs help as a boost to their effect? In which case, I agree, it is unclear.



Ah, I see. Thank you for the clarification.



Ah, yes. In that case, I am committing to omniscient for the overall story, but my natural style is descriptive of senses and action, so that might have made my experimenting limited in comparison. Although, of course, Ignatius is the focus of this story and the vast majority of the descriptions of character thoughts are his. But there are places where he isn't present so it naturally isn't consistent for those instances. I'll think more about this for the future, I'd like to become more proficient with omniscient point-of-view. Thanks for commenting on this specifically.

Can't wait to dig into yours once I get to it. And you know, I still kick myself on occasion for skipping that one Valentines entry you made, whenever I inevitably remember it. After this contest, I'm gonna get to it alongside crazr's work. You can hold me to that.

Thanks for reading and commenting, d. I can always count on you for honest feedback. Inevitably, there were several times in my writing that I thought to myself, "d isn't going to like this," but went ahead with it anyway. I remember from your comment on my story a while back that it was annoying to read a character say another character's name in order to establish who they are through exposition. That's part of why I wanted to establish their identities in the form of the chapter titles. I still suffered from this here regardless.

There were intentional choices made with some things you found insufficient, mostly for literary style, such as beginning a story with more action and less exposition. There was some given later, as you picked up on, but some details don't really add to the story. Some of the breaks even serve to skip things I felt dragged the pace down, like how they accepted their quest in the first place, how they got back together, or what they did to find one another. Apologies if you felt the exposition I did include was unnatural, I tried to make it sound as natural as possible, but perhaps it ended up forced to serve a desire for some archetypal flavor.

Charlotte is kind of similar to Ignatius in ways that both cast spells, but while he uses a spell book and his knowledge as a catalyst, she uses her instrument and songs. She even needs components in some cases, as I mentioned once in the story. As described, she played songs that made people stronger, that soothed them, and even weakened a monster by changing its shape against its will. I was thinking of putting another one in there, but there came a point where I just decided enough with it and to just continue the story.

Perhaps it would satisfy you to imagine De Mont kept his attention on maintaining the portals while they were active, and thus when they were destroyed he saw fit to act. I also attempted to have him seem like he considered them an insignificant distraction, much to his folly in underestimating them. And as for fleeing, well, he just left to fight another day before the party could retaliate, and did not see much purpose in staying when his protections were removed.

Could you talk a bit more about the issue you saw with characterization? I tried to make a strong effort to make their personalities, and thus their actions, clear from the writing.

I believe I defaulted to active past tense, but I tried to experiment with tossing in a few sentences in the omniscient.

Thanks once more for the thorough feedback. There are some small references in here that might speak more to the purpose of certain aspects, but more there for flavor and humorous entertainment.

You're most welcome.

I don't know why but I think I wasn't aware or I might have noticed and completely forgot. Would you do me a favor and link to them? I'll do my best to read them after I comment on the rest of the contest entries.

The story was entertaining to me. The part with the bag kind of reminded me of gag anime, like I was reading an episode of Excel Saga or Slayers. The elements of the world introduce interesting bits of content, but there is the issue that all of this information is given through continuous exposition in, as d said, one giant paragraph. It's not too challenging to follow for me personally, and our control of format is limited on this forum, but I highly recommend splicing what's been written so far into paragraphs and thinking about what you want to accomplish with each one. It doesn't help that some of these sentences run on as well.

I do like the sense of adventure you introduce with the story, but there are inconsistencies and clichés that inhibit it from being taken seriously, such as why this cat girl was even in bed with the main character to begin with. Why would she sleep with him before letting him know all the things she wants him to help her do? That isn't a requirement for her, but it helps make her actions more believable. Does she normally sleep with people that she wants to help her? And the moment where he becomes quick enough to stop her charge, showing how secretly powerful he is. I don't like to discourage people from using characters that can be construed as "Mary Sue," but sleeping with a perceived sexy, exotic, powerful cat woman, and the juxtaposition of being perceived as weak for not being able to hold a heavy sack, to being quick as lightning with a blade to prove his renown—since it's not an actual gag anime, of course—it removes a sense of realism and thus reminds me—the reader—that I'm reading a story with a character that the author might have created as a self-insert, an embodiment of wish-fulfillment. And, you know, I don't really dislike that. Heaven knows I've written stories like this in the past, when I was half the age I am now, and I don't mean that to sound as insulting as it probably does. For that, I apologize, but at the time it definitely was the result of chuunibyou syndrome for me, for certain. I suppose personal experience is what makes it easy to relate to your position. And I'll never dislike it because it can be a crucial stage for helping to build experience and love for writing as you learn more about what it takes to pen down a good story.

Normally I like to report the errors I find in an entry so the author is aware, kind of similar to what waterflame did for you, but I don't think that's important right now. Right now, I think what's most important is that it was fun for you and that you enjoyed the act of writing this. There are plenty of elements to this that radiate that sense of fun. As you learn and read more, you'll pick up on things and become more aware through building good experience. I highly recommend reading the other entries here to help get that sense of comparison. That will help your literary voice to mature and I hope that you continue on your path of writing this novel and exploring that sense of enjoyment.

Thanks for writing this and joining us for this event. Your participation is welcome.

A creepy and harrowing story. You did a fine job of slowly building the unsettling mood as the story went on. I was expecting something heartwarming and quaint during the first part as I was reminded of the game Firewatch. However, it became broodingly apparent that you had different plans for this tale.

In general, this is pretty well-written, as I've come to expect from you, crazr. That being said, here are a couple errors I noticed:





Well done on this. Thank you for taking the time to join us for the winter event, I know that you said you were very busy.

Thank you all for your entries.

As of now, the deadline for the contest is passed and submissions will no longer be accepted. Stay tuned for the Reader's poll that will be posted in a couple days.

Thank you for your participation and happy New Year! May the year of 2019 guide your pen and hands to success and fruition.