Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Up-to-date translations)

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but, alas, no future

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds 50 years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, ”What do you say? Should we?” Immediately, the two stripped and sat down at the table completely naked.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal.”

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: September 05, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"Magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what are your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peach", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy," he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit!"

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

At an art exhibition, two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home For Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home For Lunch."

Newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No. Tolio; it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No. Kneesles; it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

A Canadian and an American are on a flight to Australia.

The American believes all Canadians are stupid, so he thought of an idea to try and fool the Canadian man into giving him his money to pass the time.

"Fancy a little quiz game to pass the time?" he asks.

The Canadian declines and grumpily says he would prefer to sleep, but after some persuasion he agrees to the game.

"OK," the American says, "The rules are: I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer I'll give you $500.

Naturally, the Canadian agrees to these terms.

The American looks around for inspiration before asking, "How far is it from the Earth to the Sun?"

After some consideration the Canadian accepts he does not know and hands the American $5 before attempting to go back to sleep.

The American isn't happy and rouses the Canadian:

"OK, now you have to ask me a question."

The Canadian thinks before asking, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down with 4?" before going back to sleep.

The American is baffled, he looks it up on the internet and calls his friends for help, before waking the Canadian and sourly admitting he does not know and hands the Canadian $500 as agreed.

The Canadian takes it before going back to sleep.

The American, very frustrated now says, "Well?! What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?"

"Wow, that's a tough one. I have no frigging idea." the Canadian says before handing the American $5.

One night, a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a female German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.

He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.

The counselor sits them on the couch and says, "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common."

The husband says, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

An American soldier serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children with her next husband. He dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last, they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"