Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Up-to-date translations)

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; you'll be afraid to cough.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting wasted. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: OK, that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later, the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love," replies the wife.

"So does 24 cans of Budweiser, at half the price."

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they're all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy.'"

In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes; it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come-a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

A little rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the giraffe and says, "Hey, giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The giraffe looks at the little rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the little rabbit.

After a while, the giraffe and the rabbit come across an elephant about to do a line of Coke. The rabbit says, "Oh, elephant, you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the woods. It is much better for you." The elephant looks at the rabbit, then looks at the coke, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the giraffe and the rabbit.

After a while they come across a tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The rabbit runs up to the tiger and says, "Hey, tiger, you really shouldn't do that." The tiger immediately jumps on the rabbit and starts beating the shit out of him. The giraffe grabs the tiger and pulls him off the rabbit and asks, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little fucker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on ecstasy!"

well i tolerate a very low amount of ntr...

Child: "Hello?"

Daddy: "Hi honey. It's Daddy. Is Mommy nearby?"

Child: "No, Daddy. Mommy's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

Daddy: "Honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."

Child: "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy."

Brief Pause.

Daddy: "Okay, honey. I want you to put the phone down on the table and run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

Child: "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

Moments later the little girl comes back to the phone.

Child: "I did it, Daddy."

Daddy: "What happened, honey?"

Child: "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and began running and screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

Daddy: "Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

Child: "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. Then he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Daddy: "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was . . . god, I miss him. But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, "What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinese businessman called out, "Move it, time is money!"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Excuse me, Sir!" said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them."

The Chinese businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls!"

The Italian from New York said, "Why can't they fucking play at night?"