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This is exactly the problem I have with this entry. All I have is a vague idea of what is happening even after piecing the clues here and there. d explained that in the end Isaac left with Anna and Eadweard. This wasn't how I interpreted "An hour later, Isaac sat on the back of the wagon, riding off into the dawn." though.

It doesn't say "An hour later, Isaac et al. sat on the back of the wagon..." so I thought he might made off by himself while leaving the rest behind perhaps because he is a terrible person to begin with or he wanted to keep some distance from the people he met.

I am familiar with d's writing style. He thinks explaining too much is symptomatic of bad writing. If you have read some of the many arguments between me and him you will learn that I am of the completely opposite opinion.

PS: d, may I know who are Jacob and Leah? I still can't figure out who they are.

I promised to give a review of this entry and I am in agreement with Yanker and Masayoshi. I think I can sympathise with high_time felt as he ploughed through that entry. Let me review this entry according to the criteria I set for this event.

1. Must be readable:

Like Yanker, I felt confusion reading the 3 quarters of the entry and had no time to sympathise with the characters once I reached the final quarter. I believe the reason why it is difficult for Masayoshi to invest in the story is because very little was established as to who the main characters are. Enclosed in the spoiler was how I felt while reading your entry:




If I wanted to write a touching story between two women it would certainly make sense to establish who they are and what they do right at the beginning instead at the end. I would then be in a better position to appreciate the long exchanges between the two and the setting they were in. I suppose the big reveal towards the end where it was revealed that Mrs Hailey was Lucy's mother was to make sense of what was covered before it but I thought it ought to be made clear at the very beginning. Having twists like "Mrs Hailey" being on her deathbed, implying that she abandoned Lucy and "Mrs Hailey" being Lucy's mother when the entry is supposed to be about their relationship is out of place. I would expect that in a more comedic story.


2. Must be comedic, bonus points if it is written in my style:

While not as important as criteria 1, I would rate entries that are comedic and written in my style higher than those that aren't. When high_time and I are the contest judges and if we come up with bizarre themes, there is the expectation for the entries submitted to have some comedic value.

Of course I didn't laugh at the entry. Going through it again, I find out there are plenty of things to be made light of. Making light laughing at of misery is something that I enjoy reading. If it were better presented and contained dry paragraphs of how horrible the entertainment industry is and how actresses are treated when they turn old and decrepit I might have ranked it better.

How did you do that?! I really can't even after reading it word for word twice!

Did anyone who read the entry figure that plot out? Thanks for explaining the plot though.

The four wives and one husband aren't your typical Muslims though. Who binte Muhammad, What binte Muhammad, Where binte Muhammad and When binte Muhammad are women that I must have if I want to understand any story.

As for How bin Mohammed (Not to be confused with Muhammad; the last thing we want to suggest is that these are incestuous unions), I don't mind him that much. Understanding the mechanics of any fantasy world doesn't ruin the story for me. In fact it helps me appreciate whatever that is happening in the story even more.



Well, anything is possible. But I would need to know what is going on if I want to do it properly. This isn't exactly Doki Doki Suru. So, what happened in the entry?



Curses! It took me two days to reply to your reply! Now we aren't even!

This story has some basis in truth.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3017682/Entire-town-Tangerang-gets-high-marijuana-fumes-Indonesian-police-burn-three-ton-pile-drug.html

The queerest thing is, this happened after I wrote the story!

It has taken me nearly two months to come up with this review. I am sorry it has taken so long. I find this entry written in very much your style which means I have problems with it. If you have followed the exchange between me and Sound of Destiny, you would have an idea what I will say when I judge your entry in these 3 criteria.

1. Must be readable:

I am afraid I had difficulty understanding it. That is the most important criteria when I judge the entries. As I said to Sound of Destiny, it doesn't make sense for me to deem an entry a good one if I don't understand it in the first place.

At first, I tried skimming through it then I tried to take my time to read it but I have little idea what is going on. Your entries and your writing in general tend to jump into the thick of the action with little explanation of the background of the story.

Take the first part for example, I only know that there is a campfire, the 3 actors are the old man Eadweard, Anna and Isaac. I suppose Eadweard and Anna know each other and Isaac and Anna just met going by the dialogue? This wasn't made clear so I was confused reading this entry.

I suppose you tried to imply what is happening with this line: Anna broke her gaze from the pit of the fire. "Oh! Isaac's in a bit of a bind. Can he travel with us for a while?"

What I felt was more important is to explain who are our main characters and what are they doing building campfires and travelling about in wagons. Why is Isaac in a bind and why is he following Anna? What is the relationship between Eadweard and Anna? If you addressed questions pertaining to setting then I would find the rest of the entry easier to follow.

I suppose the second part is Isaac's attempt to recount what had happened to him. However, when I first read it I thought I was reading another story altogether because you didn't refer to Isaac by his name instead you used 'he'. I understand that he has some form of amnesia but it made for difficult reading.

It was not until the third part of the story (and many hundred words into the 2000 word entry) where the main characters met up with Jacob and Leah that some kind of exposition was taking place about war. However, I can't grasp the details for the same reasons I can't understand the first part of the story.

The entry ended with Isaac abruptly leaving so it gives me the feeling that the entry is unresolved by then again I am not sure! Your entry feels as if it is an excerpt of a story. There is no introduction or conclusion.

I suppose you aren't Muslim but having 4 wives and 1 husband in your entry would certainly make it more readable to me.


2. Must be humorous

Alas, if I can't understand the plot of story, with its conflicts and resolution I am certainly not in a position to laugh at it, unless you pull off a Dawn of Dark or write it in leonard267's style.

I suppose you can throw in references to amnesia, giant frogs and cranky old men and military types. I think you were attempting humour by throwing in giant frogs but there is no punchline!


3. Must be written in leonard267's style:

I suppose I can parody it if you gave me a synopsis of what is going on.

Of course, while I dislike dialogue I also understand that they bring a character to life.

My dislike of dialogue is also due to my reading habits that tend to favour non-fiction over fiction. I also foresee myself reading tomes of work related documents in the future and that requires me to read very quickly. I don't really think that dialogue can be skimmed through quickly.

Sorry for the late reply. I was working long hours yesterday.



Yes. Your entry is more or less understandable because it explained things in places. The part where we see Rowan monologuing, explaining why he is here and who mattered in that story, established the setting of the story which made it easy to follow.

As for my dislike for dialogue, I will say that more often than not dialogue is problematic in explaining things, here it is the conflict concerning both Lily and Rowan. I can think of these points:

1. The persons involved in the dialogue know what they are talking about so they won't explain things that third parties might not know.

2. They tend to be short and brief and so it is more likely for me to miss out parts that are important in the story. I might not even understand it properly because dialogue tends to be in fragmented sentences.

3. Personally for me, it is hard to keep track of who is saying what in to and fro dialogue.

I will enclose in this spoiler what I found a little trying to read from your entry. In fact, I think these so happen to be the most important lines in the story. This spoiler contains part of the exchange explaining the conflict pertaining to Lily (and interesting enough, before this it explained Rowan's problems).

I didn't react to your entry the way you intended because I can't read the writer's mind. This catharsis can only be felt by the writer I feel unless you and I were to read the entry together with you dropping a few hints here and there and asking me to read your entry again.

I never really understood why things aren't spelt out in modern literature. If I were to understand what is going on, if I were to sympathise with our hero wouldn't it make sense to at least explain what is his predicament at the beginning? This approach of not doing that is really like throwing me the jigsaw pieces without showing me the picture I am supposed to piece together.

To be fair, this isn't that much of a problem for your entry because you flat out explained what had happened albeit through dialogue. The refusal to spell things out or at least give an idea what is going on is really a problem not for this entry but for a couple of other entries submitted for this contest.



I don't think it is a matter of taste. If the reader is left guessing what is going on even after he read the story wouldn't you agree that the writer didn't do his job properly? I am not talking about stories that have open or unresolved endings. I am talking about entries like Dawn of Dark's (to exaggerate a little) where the narrative is completely incomprehensible.

Once again, to be fair, I don't think the entry is hard to understand on the whole. Once it was clear that the protagonist's father left a girl under no one's care, the entire story is easy to follow. I just didn't like the lines of dialogue at the opening which don't seem to serve a purpose, especially when a line of exposition would suffice.



Well, bonus points to those who came up with the entry that adhered to both of the themes which is why I thought Yanker's entry ought to win. The purpose of me setting criteria is to shortlist the entries that ought to win. This is useful especially when many of the entries are well written.





I disagree in the context of this contest. I see myself as someone who is grading essays based on requirements that I and the judges stipulated. They so happen to reflect my tastes in writing. Some of the entries adhered to the requirements better than yours so I, with the other judges have to deem those better entries.

I don't think it is possible to discard bias when it comes to judging something as subjective as writing or other art forms, especially when I am more inclined towards entries that are more straightforward and clear.

It doesn't make sense for me to judge an entry I can't understand or fail to appreciate as a better entry compared to one that I can easily understand.




Some of the dialogue especially those towards the end, I can understand. That is only possible if the setting of the story is established. I just can't see how Rowan's (and indeed Lily's) predicament can be explained with to and fro dialogue. It is possible with a long monologue but that might be awkward.

However, I felt that the parts where Heather and Rowan were arguing can be trimmed down. During my first read of your entry, I almost skipped that part entirely.



Don't worry about it. I enjoy arguing which is why I took the time to write down all of these. Glad to have an opportunity to speak with a user especially after this site has gone commercial.

I didn't say you have to state explicitly *that* he is angry. Rather, I would like the writer to state *why* he is angry. Now, this can't be explained in detail through dialogue without it sounding awkward neither can it be implied because they are plenty of possible reasons why our protagonist is angry towards his father.

Writing is a totally different medium from television which is why I would like things explained when it comes to things in print. There are no visual or audio cues. While you can imply what had happened to our protagonist in his past through visual flashbacks on television or how he feels through his facial expressions, I don't have that luxury in print. So the to and fro dialogue is confusing to me, especially when what ought to be spelt out isn't spelt out. I don't think I will be figuring anything, I'd just be guessing.



I made it clear in one of my posts how I would judge the entries. You can read it here where I said that the contest is my personal attempt to make other people write the way I do. Also, the contest usually expects writers to adhere with the themes and it so happens that I came up with the theme 'comedy'.

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-writing-contest-2015#4538193

The 3 criteria as I explained in other reviews are in descending order of importance with readability as the most important (and 6 out of the 9 entries I deemed are readable, yours included) and it being written in my style the least. There are many good entries submitted this contest and while you might think it unreasonable, these criteria does help whittle down which entries that will make it to the top 2.

As for your remarks about bias, this is why we have more than one judge and that is why we have the polls. high_time placed your entry as one of the best ones and you were ranked one of the best in the polls. Every judge who judges have his or her biases which explains why I don't really win these sort of contests. I have asked judges from previous contests what they thought of my entries and I get wildly different responses with some loving it and others loathing it. I guess this entry is no different.



I see. I applaud your efforts to write a short story below 2000 words with a plot. I can't really do that if put into that position. It'd have to have a higher word limit.

I promised that I would get to your entry. I am sorry that it took me over a month to do so. Still better late than never! Here is what I thought about your entry in the format I used for the other entries:

1. Must be readable:

I would like state again that I disliked the use of to and fro dialogue without any explanation of what is going on or any breaks in between. What made this entry comprehensible to me is the first break in dialogue where it explains what situation our hero is in. I am sorry to say that I did not pay much attention to the exchange between the protagonist and his relative. Most of it seemed not to advance the plot much since it appeared to be mostly the older sister chiding then pleading with our hero.

I would have paid attention to it if there were some third-person exposition on why our hero left his family or more about the relationship between him and sister instead of it being implied through dialogue.

For example:

“I know that you two never got along but would it kill you to show some respect? The man’s still your father.”

That riled me. I was like a dam ready to burst after being emotionally blackmailed by my sister to pay my last respects to my father who doesn't deserve it. Hearing that word "respect" was the last straw that broke the camel's back. I raised my voice at Heather, channelling years of resentment built up against my abusive and irresponsible father toward her.

“Hell if I care! That geezer never did anything good for me anyway. And just for the record, I got this far in life without needing help from any of you so don’t even start with all that family crap.”


“Seriously, why are you being like this? You know we’re all just worried about you?” Heather was starting to become flustered and annoyed. I didn't expect to understand how I felt for my father was more lenient towards his daughters. Nonetheless, I continued railing at her as if yelling at her would make her understand how I feel.

“Bullshit! Ever since I ran away from home, I’ve been dead to them. This, so called, family of yours, they don’t want anything to do with me and let me tell you, the feeling is mutual.”

I still understood the story though because of those important breaks in dialogue which explained the story. By the way, this reminds me of Usagi Drop.


2. Must be funny:

This is really the reason why I didn't place your entry among my favourites. It isn't humorous though I see the attempt to adhere to the contest themes by placing an old man in it. I saw the potential for humour though with our protagonist having to suffer children, nagging relatives and a decrepit old man for a father at death's door.

If the child were less angelic and more bratty, if Heather started inquiring about when our hero is getting married and discussing funeral arrangements and inheritance issues, and if the protagonist's father asks if our hero's constipation problems have abated since the last time they met before dying, it could have made for a better entry in my opinion.

Then to be fair, if it were written like this, I don't think the entry could be voted the second best!

3. Must be written like leonard267:

It isn't. I can't see myself writing Usagi Drop without a nasty plot twist in the way that would most likely bring in cruel reality. Not to worry. As I said many times, writing like me is not a good thing.

PS: Why is called "Like Holding White Elephants"? Is it a reference to the child being hard to maintain?

I understood and generally enjoyed this entry, though not as much as the some of the other entries. Let me briefly give you my impressions of your entry using the same 3 criteria:

1. Must be readable:

I have read a bit of your work and so I understand who Vy and Peter are, I understand that you are making references to a commercial site dealing with drawn smut and I understand the references to real life events that concern you and them, mainly the protagonist (i.e. you) including Peter and Vy in your stories. That is what made it enjoyable for me. However, I were to put myself into the shoes of someone who is not aware of this, I am quite sure these references won't be picked up that easily.

So this is really the main reason why I did not select your entry to be the top three or even give you an honourable mention. These problems might be resolved though if you devoted one or two sentences explaining what the website is about or even summaries of stories that involve Peter and Vy or even a link to those stories!

I have to give you credit though. While I dislike to and fro dialogue in my reading material, I felt that the dialogue in your entry is quite like Sound of Destiny's entry. Thank goodness for the breaks in dialogue that explained what is going on.

2. Must be funny:

Alas, it is too sweet and saccharine for my tastes to be funny! Where is the anger, shock, horror and bloodlust that I expect once I read that a certain user in a commercial pornographic website write stories about them dying! Where are threats of lawsuits and attempts at murder? Where is the bloody leonard267 reference?

3. Must be written in leonard267's style:

See Number 2. I might consider placing your entry among what I deem to be the better ones if it took a laughably nasty turn!


That aside, having thrashed your entry, care to thrash mine?

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-non-entry-2015-an-attempt-at-comedy-about-an-old-man

I have argued many times with other people in this forum over what a prologue ought to do and I am hoping you would allow me to do so again here. The prologue introduces the setting of the story (though not necessarily all of it).

I can see someone retorting that it spoils the story (some do, see the prologue to Romeo and Juliet) or it would be too long (and boring). However, without exposition, it wouldn't serve its purpose in foreshadowing because this reader doesn't know what is being foreshadowed. It is alright I feel to spoil a little. It gives this reader orientation and understanding of what is at stake. I don't think exposition is boring by default, quite the opposite, especially when it leads the reader to appreciate what is going on.

Finally, if someone can understand the story without reading the prologue then I feel that the prologue is not serving its purpose of informing the reader.

The prologue can be made better by explaining what the black stone is and who the actors in this prologue are. I don't think they will make an appearance until several chapters later. Could you tell me perhaps over a PM what it is and who they are?

Thought people would realise that the car is a hearse and death will be the theme of this entry though. Personally, I think my life will play out like this which is better than suffering the things I listed in the spoiler.

As mentioned in my message to you, I hope I can help to brainstorm ideas. I was wondering if you are familiar with my style of writing if you want me to write.

I have quite a lot of people to apologise to. Despite promising them that I would offer a review of their entries over a month ago, I have yet to find the time to do so. It is a bit difficult for me to pen this one especially because there is so much I would like to say about what you have wrote and I have so little time on my hands.

Nonetheless, I would divide my review into 3 parts. I might elaborate further should you respond to it:

1. Must be readable: It isn't.

I found it difficult to understand what you were trying to convey. If I can't understand the story, I certainly wouldn't pick it as my favourite entry. The better rated entries in my book has to meet that criteria.

It appears that you are trying to introduce some kind of setting to your 2000 word long monologue by explaining that it is sometime in the future and then it digresses to talking about historical events. This is repeated later when you introduced the main character then digressed to making obscure references to Star Trek and events that supposedly happen in the future.

I am fine with a bit of digressing provided that it has relevance to the story. However, I am left thinking that this is more about the author of the story giving his opinion (or his impressions) of historical (and non-historical) events. I have no idea what is going on, who to sympathise with or indeed what is the point you are driving at.

I think your entry might be made better if it either focused more on the main character and his exploits or become a complete monologue albeit with a clear thesis statement. (I couldn't tell if your thesis is about mocking mankind's efforts at building then destroying civilisations or laughing at the fact that the Earth destroyed itself through many world wars while our hero is colonising planets or whether I am right in interpreting your entry in these ways!)

I am not offended by the content of the entry but only because I fail to understand it!


2. Must be funny:
Let me credit you for coming up with possibly the only entry that put me on the verge of laughter. I was almost laughing not because of the story but I am laughing at the story. Why so, that leads me to my next point.


3. Must be written in leonard267's style:
Let me again credit you for coming up with the entry which I consider written in a manner that is closest to my style with all of the links, references that no one understands, the monologues and hard to follow lines. Then again, if you bothered to read my other reviews of the entries submitted, writing like me isn't exactly a good thing isn't it?

I did mention that one of the joys of hosting this competition is to make people write the way I write. While it is a bit disappointing that few entries were written similar to my style, at least I came across yours. I had a good taste of my own medicine reading your entry.

I told Xenon that I would like to nominate this entry for a "Dishonourable Mention" for being written the way it was written. I would have picked this entry as my favourite entry (that is why it deserved a mention) if I knew what is the entry about (which is why I called it "dishonourable")!

PS: I did promise that I would parody another contest entry you have written a year ago. I would like to do the same for this one. However, this seems to be a remote possibility now.

PPS: Why did you call it the Verdict and the Chase? Who is passing verdicts? Who is doing the chasing?

Yanker's prose is certainly a pleasure to read. It is very easy to follow what he is writing about. Could you give me more details about your project? No promises that I can help because I am so terribly busy with work but I would like to see if I can chip in.

Also, did you realise that the car on top is used at funerals? It is a hearse actually. And yes, I actually like Masayoshi's entry if only it could be funnier!

If I am not mistaken, both Xenon and I agreed that your entry deserved an "Honourable Mention". Your entry appealed to me because it was of course easy to read for my standards and I always enjoy stories about the cruel realities of life. Allow me to further elaborate using the three criteria I used to judge the entries:

1. Must be easy to read:

I found it easy to read because of the relative lack of dialogue and more importantly how the entry explained the predicament of the protagonist and sort of situation he was in very early into the story (i.e. the introduction of how the protagonist had to work hard because of his family)

Introducing the setting of the story early makes it easy to understand the rest of the story because it orientates me and thus arouse interest as to how our protagonist would resolve his problems.

I found the transition of talking about how the protagonist landed from one problem to another very smooth because there is a logical connection of how his fortunes turned from bad to worse. (How the hell Dawn of Dark thought your story is fragmented is beyond me) I enjoyed the entry being expository and dialogue free. For some, it is boring, for me it makes reading easy.

2. Must be funny:

While I liked how the entry is presented, the reason why I decided that this entry ought not to be in the top three is due to the lack of humour. However, I could see the potential of this entry to be a black comedy of sorts.

I thought the entry could be better if it were more whiny and provided more explanations (long winded or otherwise) reasoning that it is actually a good idea to commit suicide. I wish I could try to parody your entry and try to make it funny. Misery is a core component in my attempts at comedy.

And of course, why can't the fourth wall breaking at the end of the entry be funnier? You can make fun of the fact that the reader of your entry is actually listening to a ghost! This leads me to the next component of my review.

3. Must be written in leonard267's style:

If it were written more in my style, I would certainly rank this entry as first place! The reason why I felt that your entry is one of the better ones has certainly something to do with the subject matter and how similar it is to the topics that I often broach in this forum!

However, I decided that entries that are humorous should be better ranked.

This leads me to ask, did you intend for this entry to be funny?