Raze Posts

I absolutely love it when I hear that people like the story this much, but there's really more to the forums than my story! XD


Nope, nothing wrong at all. I italicized that section on page 7 to show that those little sections are flashbacks. The current time of the story is almost three years after Alia transferred to the school, and those little flashback scenes in Chapter 1 tell of how Alia fell in love with Kyle.


Ian and James are just two of the many, many boys in the school (and outside school, really) vying for Alia's affections. And yes, they are different people; don't really know why you would think they're the same person, really.

I'm going to change how I'll post my story from now on. Instead of dumping chunks of it post by post, I'm going to put it into a nifty little PDF file which you can download. If you don't know what a PDF file is and/or can't open it, Google "Adobe Acrobat Reader" and install it.

I went through the entire work so far this morning and made many, many changes to the prologue and both chapters; if you've been following my story you will notice quite a lot expression, descriptive, and sentence changes and additions (including physical descriptions of Alia's friends, Megan and Christie), especially in the prologue. However, I won't edit the individual story posts with the revised version, because it's quite impractical to do so really.

The link to download the PDF is in the first post, but for convenience sake I will also post it here:

PDF File for Unnamed Story (255kb)

As I said in the PDF, I would really, really appreciate it if you artists out there like my story enough to draw some fanart for all of us to enjoy. There's nothing that excites me and makes me happier than seeing people drawing art on their own accord for the story I spent so much time and effort on, so please! I know good art takes a long time to do, so your efforts won't go unrewarded!


I thought about giving chapter titles, but decided to wait until the whole thing is done, then see if I felt up for it.

Unfortunately for me, I'm no anime artist, and I'm a closet otaku so I don't have any anime artist friends to ask either. Artwork for my story would really depend on whether other artists are kind enough to draw for me.


Thank you, you won't be disappointed; right now, everything's all predictable, but once I set the ball rolling in Chapter 3, there should be quite a few plot twists after that.


I based a lot of things in this story from my own experiences as an international secondary school student in Hong Kong, so that's where it's from.

And before you idiots make the link and go "that can't be right", Hong Kong is very different from China; it's like Tokyo in terms of its metropolitan character, but instead of American influence, in Hong Kong the influence is mainly British. Furthermore, this is an international school, and American/European (especially British) culture plays a big part of school life.

なんかこのスレの人が嘘ついてる気がしてる、俺は。
たいていの人は日本語ができます！って言ってるけど、ここで何人は本当に日本語できる？多くないと思う。前に俺は日本語で会話するつもり新しいスレを創ったり、話を始まったけど、加わる人は五人しかない。少しがっかりした。

でも、日本語が読めます！って日本語が書けます！って言ってる人はこんなに多いんだ！そして、私は日本語ができますが、漢字が全然知りません！っては何だよ？凄い言葉だろう！

信じられない。この言葉を書き込んだら本当に日本語わかる人に馬鹿にしてるみたい。

もし本当に日本語分かれば、先言ったのはお前のことじゃない。俺はここの管理人だけど、嘘がついてる人好きじゃないからこのポストを書き込まなきゃいけない。

Yeah, I thought my style left enough clues that you would certainly learn more about James as the story progresses; it's not like he's a minor character or anything. I even said that the beginning of Chapter 3 would be all about him. Which was why I just could not understand why Damienthedevil was making such a big fuss about lack of description when, as Deft-Monkey said, I probably have too much at times (especially with Alia). I think I'll leave the chapter the way it is now and move on to Chapter 3 once the weekend hits and I'm done with my homework.

I'll try to do what you said about varying descriptions a little more, Deft-Monkey, and this should be a nice hill for me to climb, mainly because I tend to focus on facial features when I look at women (hence a lot of facial and hair references).

I'm glad you guys liked the extra scene. Immediately after Deft-Monkey suggested inserting some scene in between the two halves with Kyle making some contact with Sanae, the scene popped up in my head and I was like "Oh, this could work". I'm also glad you guys like the little nuances and tension beneath the surface of that scene. Writing the second half of the chapter was tough work and I'm glad the transition has been fixed, but it's important for me (and you guys) to remember that the chapter doesn't exist as two halves and is meant to be read as a whole.

Perhaps I'll create a new (locked) thread where you guys can read the text without having to click "Next Page" every time, since someone said it was tough reading the story while it was so fragmented.

Really? What do the rest of you think?

It would help if you guys could quote specific parts of the prose that could use a bit of spicing up, because I'm having a difficult time finding them. As a Chinese saying goes, "the bystanders are objective".

Okay, I went through the chapter trying to add some physical descriptions of James, but I found more often than not it ended up sounding like extraneous information. It broke the momentum and pacing of the prose, which stood well on its own two feet without the descriptive detail.

So yes, while descriptive writing is generally good, I think how concise you are is also very important; detail should only be used when called for. I described Alia getting out of her car in great detail because I wanted her first impression to be absolutely stunning. I described Kyle in great detail during the piano recital because this was how Alia fell in love with him. I described Sanae in great detail in the prologue because what she was like back then caused Kyle to rape her. Right now, frankly, I don't see the need to describe James to the level you ask for at any point in the chapter.

So yes, while you are right in that I didn't describe James much, it's not as big of a problem as you make it sound; if it really was such a big problem, I'm sure many others before you would've pointed it out. Since it really seemed to bug you, I've added some details about James' appearance in that little flashback at the start of the chapter, but to go any further than that is unnecessary I think.

I see what you mean. I'll revise that little section with James and Alia to include more physical descriptions of James once I'm done with class for today; reading through it, it did seem like I left him out in favor of Alia (whom I described in vibrant detail).

Also, for the rest of you, I added a bit more to the end of the first half, which should hopefully justify that 180 degree mood swing Kyle had.

Not at all, constructive criticism always helps. It sucks to get them but if there are glaring problems I'd like to hear them.


You're very right on that and many others have already pointed it out. I myself did not like it before I even posted it, but good old Deft-Monkey suggested I insert a short scene in between the two halves which should rectify the sudden change in Kyle's attitude.


I'm afraid I'll have to disagree on this one. I could easily just copy and paste my character descriptions from my notes right after they're introduced and modify it slightly so it fits in the prose, but I chose not to. Like I've said before, I want my characters to come out as characters through the plot and their actions, and not list all their traits in a huge paragraph like a textbook. I've never seen a character being introduced in a good novel or short story where the narrative simply lists the character's traits.

Not to mention that short little scene is simply a flashback; in fact, during my proofreading I considered removing his name from that scene, leaving the readers to piece together the fact that that boy is the same James that tries to comfort Alia later in the chapter. I chose not to, however.

You will all learn more about James very soon; in fact, the first half of Chapter 3 is all about him. Also, gotta give you guys something to look forward to right? XD

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who commented! You have no idea how happy it makes me to read your compliments, and how fun it is to read other people's viewpoints and suggestions on how to improve my story. Authoring is pretty tough, but having and audience makes it more than worth it! You guys rock!


Ian, well... if your love rival suddenly rejected your crush, what would you do? XD

Although you won't be seeing much of Ian until around Chapter 4.


The reason I tried to have it seem like Alia was sorta managing to tug on Kyle's heartstrings was to make it more realistic. Yes, Kyle has been harboring a great sense of guilt while having this massive crush on Sanae all this time, and before anyone comments on how unrealistic it is that anyone could love someone for so long even though he had the whole school to choose from, sometimes, with just the right amount of hate, your crush for someone could grow and grow; people sometimes become obsessed with possessing the one thing they cannot have, and this is an example.

But even so, Kyle is a growing young man. And when you have this dynamite of a babe trying her best to court you from all sides, it's natural to get a little excited sometimes, correct? It also raises the interesting possibility that, some day, Kyle might decide to settle for Alia instead after realizing Sanae is no longer reachable... oh no! I just let some plot slip out! XD


Yes, this was indeed my main concern about the chapter. It seemed a little too spontaneous on the part of Kyle to just slap Alia like that when they were getting to know each other.

And you know what? That's a great suggestion. I'll insert a small scene sometime later in between the two halves to give reason for Kyle to defend his dear little Sanae. Thanks very much!


Yeah, he really doesn't have much to his credit apart from the fact he's smart and rich (which is more than enough to get you most girls when you're out and working, but doesn't get you much romance during your school days). He's also musical, but not phenomenal; he plays the violin, and I intended to reveal all of this in Chapter 3. His character is based on this rival and ex-friend I once had.


She's the kind of girl where her mere presence can make an entire room fall silent if you know what I mean, due to her being Kyle's object of affection and her almost mute personality. Before any of you think otherwise, she is attractive, in the sense that you want to cuddle her and protect her from all harm in the outside world. I really should've made some passing remark at some point in the story before (any suggestions where?) that she does get a small group of admirers. Her character is really quite complex though, which later events of the story should prove.

What? It's Jacob's birthday, and he's supposed to give us a present.

Does... not... compute...

This is genius.

Today, some dude becomes one year older. This dude had a dream, a great one. He saw all those hentai sites out there, but these sites were either ad-ridden, making it near-impossible to navigate, or required money for something called a "membership" to download what you could get for free anyway.

And so this dude decides to start a hentai site of his own and, almost two years later, it is one of the biggest hentai communities on the internet and still continues to grow, providing free hentai available for download on fast servers. He empties his wallet every month to keep this site running without filling it with ads because, as he put it, "it doesn't sit well with the designer in me".

Yes, this dude is Jacob. And today (or yesterday for a few of you) is his birthday.


(Kinda feels like a take two here. Never really noticed how close Nikon's and Jacob's birthdays were until today too XD)

So to celebrate I have a new FAKKU release for you: Getting Clothes, a Fate/Hollow Ataraxia doujin by Fantasy Wind!



Good art and lots of sex is this doujin. Originally I had something bigger and better for you all, but delays delays. Too bad. Discuss, download and thank us in this thread here.

And let's not forget that yesterday marked the time that Hibia has been with us for one year! You can go here to leave your congratulations.

For those of you who had been following my story, I recently posted chapter 2. If the long wait caused you to lose interest, I'm sorry and I don't blame you for moving on with life.

Enjoy the release, Happy Birthday Jacob and Happy One-Year FAKKU forum Anniversary to Hibia!

Hahah whoops. What happened was I originally wrote that he slapped her, then thought it was a little too harsh and went through it, removing any references to his slapping. Seems like I forgot to change that one.

In any case, did you guys feel that it's not too much that Kyle slapped Alia for stating openly that Sanae did not like him? Because I'd much rather it be there than not to be honest. I put it back in, so please let me know what you guys think.

I'm glad you guys liked that I decided not to have James take Sanae to the movies. If anything, I want my villains to be human, and not walking devils; they do the things they do because they cannot help but do it, not because they like seeing people around them suffer or something dumb like that. Which is why I've decided to split my original Chapter 2 plan into two, and insert James' past into the start of the new Chapter 3.

Yeah, it's pretty standard dramatic fare. You pointed out exactly what I didn't like about how I handled the second half; the transition from somewhat friendly relationship to one that was 'not-so-friendly'. I went through and proofread it before I posted it, and I didn't like how I suddenly introduced the film in the middle of the chapter and kinda left it half-open by the end of the chapter. When I came to write the second half of chapter 2, it felt like "righting the car who had veered off into the wrong lane", so to speak. Perhaps I could've had a few more lines of conversation before Kyle slaps Alia, but what I wanted to get across there (and probably failed) was that Kyle absolutely could not tolerate Alia saying clearly to him what he knew all along but denied it: Sanae does not like him at all. Slapping might've been a little too much (they are duet partners after all), so I think I'll revise this second half.



Yeah, you're quite right about that; I had no idea what I was thinking when I put that extraneous little bit of detail. That, too, will be revised.

So I just went ahead and did the second half of this chapter. It was really difficult to write this half out, to be honest. So if you guys have any comments and suggestions feel free to throw them out.

EDIT:: Revised to make a bit more sense!

*Prose removed*

And that's Chapter 2! The relationship between Alia and James is more than just classmates; it will all be revealed in Chapter 3 (which I'm hoping won't take me like 4 months to write).

Happy Anniversary! Sekai WHOO!