Rbz Posts

We're judging what was presented, nig. No one's making conclusions about the final product. Every detail provided by the hype hungry marketing department deserves a critical viewing.

Yea, the problem lies in a cultural shift. Virtual cum buckets are just part of the escapism from a life where one doesn't give a fuck about the tedium of relationships. In other words, demand for these semen demon simulators isn't really the cause, but the aftermath.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

There, now that I'm happy, I'm going to complain some more.



Int is now a useless stat. It's like that gain more experience perk in Fallout 3? Why!? It's fucking useless. Only retards got that perk. Just have patience and kill a few more assholes and level up.



>Recharge rate of critical hits
>Crit on demand



Welp, I didn't think it could be worse, but Bethesda managed it. They killed Fallout. This franchise is now a casualized husk of what it once was, stripped bare of all the mechanics that mattered and designed for the absolute lowest common denominator. If Obsidian ever work on another game Bethesda wants to call "Fallout," I only hope they unfuck as much as they could possibly get away with doing.

The Last Guardian
The emotional tale of a dog/griffin who has to take care of a retard who can only say "googoo" and "dildo butt."

Horizon
Dev 1: Okay, you throw the first dart.
Dev 2: I got Sexy Eskimo. You next.
Dev 1: Mechanical dinosaurs.
Dev 2: Make a game out of it.

Hitman
If I turn the gun sideways before shooting they die harder. Thanks, 47, your pro tips inform my future "video games cause violence" serial killer career.

Street Fighter 5
Thick thighs

No Man's Sky
>Scans area
>No life
>Literally life right behind him
Scanner must have picked him up.

Dreams
DancingSkeletonPuppet.gif

Destiny
AnAncientEvilAwakens.ExpansionPack

"Those new supers are fucking delicious, yo."
*Crickets clapping*

Ass Creed
Throwing Knives, high tech shit. Thanks for the analysis, Helix 4.0.

FF7 Remake
I didn't see Tifa's giant high res 3D tits. You had one job, Sony.

Shenmue
"Shenmue's fate is in your hands."
That wasn't a humble plea for funding, that was a fucking threat.

>Kickstarting a game even Sony won't pay for



Arkham Knight
Stop fucking copying Fallout. The whole bleak atmosphere/circumstances juxtaposed with ye olde music is trademarked by Vault-Tec. Fuck off.

Call of Duty
The presenter's last name was Lamia. Got half a chub for a moment.

Battlefront
>Stormtroopers can't shoot for shit
>Vader at the end
>Thank the force/Force be with you/ Force push my dick into your mouth

A by the book Star Wars trailer.

Uncharted
Whoa, deja vu. There's a glitch in the Matrix, Nathan.


Sony did an amazing job showing all those exclusives. Fucking Uncharted, FF7, Call of Duty, Destiny, etc. I was very impressed.

Um, hi errybody, I'm in a bit of a bind here. Listen, anybody got a hit of coke they can spare, cuz I got the shakes like a motherfucker. Love you all, bye.

Good, everyone seemed to notice that Doom's nuts were at least 50 pounds lighter than they should have been. Id always gets the shotgun right, but that plasma rifle has no fucking stopping power. Also, watching the gameplay again, what really ruins it is the retarded AI and robotic gameplay. Fucking Doom 3 had a higher IQ and that gameplay was just unnatural. They should do something about those repetitive animations, too. They probably left it in the trailer for the "for reals gameplay" authenticity, but the awe factor for the chainsaw and melee wore off after I realized that all the animations were exhausted with the enemies they used.

Also, get that fucking wubstep out of my Doom. Go metal or go home. If I want to hear robots fart, I'll go watch Transformers.

"Hey, bruh, you got a sec? Gotta talk to ya about something."

****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****

Halo
Wow. Much epic. So exclusive. Such lens flare.

Osiris member Edward Buck, dude likes a good fuck, he'll xbone Cortana and turn the Chief into a cuck.

Recore
From the makers of Metroid, we present a game that will never live up to it.

XBONE Backwards Compatibility
Is that? Is that the sound of Microshit bending over Sony?

Fallout Again
>(B) You're a fucking mutt, cunt
Every time.

>(X) Execute critical
Look, I chose to win the lottery again. I'm so lucky.

EA Access
Literally 5 people clapped when he mentioned Madden. This isn't your target audience, EA, fuck off the stage. The Chucky Cheese you're looking for is down the street.

Forza
OH MY GOD IT'S A REAL CAR MUH DICK I CAN'T HANDLE THIS LET ME BREATHE FOR A MOMENT IT'S FUCKING FLYING WILL I GET IT FOR FREE IF I BUY THE GAME HOLY SHIT

Dark Souls 3
Hey look it's that literal cuntface I killed back in DS2.

The Division
The only division that'll occur when this shit releases is the parting of ass cheeks and money from wallets.

Fuck Ubishit.

Indie shit
Oh, microsoft, you so indie, you rove me rong time and charge so cheap for fucky fucky.

DayZ Guy
"I want a game that is not a game."
GOTY 2015

Hey, Dean, I heard you have a new IP. So when's DayZ going to be released after all these years? Never? Nice, I can't wait.

Tomb Raider
Look, Lara, you've got a problem. You're addicted to plastic surgery. Your own parents wouldn't be able to recognize you at this point. Your parents are dead? Hahahahaha.

Sea of Thieves
This footage is for reals please believe me would I ever lie to you

Fable Legends
I spy with my hawk-like eye, a pixie pussy.

Minecraft 3DPD
You know, that guy who introduced it had a block pin on his chest. One day someone will axe this nigga a question.

Lightning strike! Zap that bitch! This game is now Zeus Simulator.

Gears of War
More like gears of check your cis het white privilege, asshole.

>Don't touch it
What are you my Mom? Fuck you bitch I do what I want.
1 minute later
Don't touch the pods, you can trust me. I'm a xeno bukkake vet.

****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****
****GREATEST LINEUP IN XBOX HISTORY****



Next up is Sony.
>2015
>Caring about anything EA and Ubishit release

Yea, and I'm sure you thought Skyrim was a near masterpiece. It's a very big deal. I'm not sure you understand how RPGs work, as basically every good and proper RPG has attributes and skills. At the very least they kept attributes, unlike in Skyrim where you were playing a walking sack of clay. So you have attributes. These serve as the limits of your character and what they're capable of as well as defining characteristics. In Fallout, intelligence even influences how the character levels up. Then you have character abilities/skills. They further elaborate on what the character is capable of through various actions and specialize that character for a role, you know, for a fucking role playing game. Bethesda fucked this system with Fallout 3, but Obsidian remedied that by making sure you actually had to specialize by giving fewer skill points per level.

So if this shit is Skyrim again, what we have is a claymation character who never has to specialize in anything. Don't like your perk tree? Reset and redistribute the points in your non-skills. You get to do everything, yay. Perks are meant to be little bonuses based on your character's abilities, not a replacement of your specialization. They fucked the Fallout formula, even though that formula was a bastardization of the original's system. You won't see this bullshit in Obsidian's (which still has people from the original Fallout team) newest game, Pillars of Eternity, because they know how to make RPGs. You show me a great RPG and I'll show you a game with proper skills.

Okay, let's get this over with:

Doom
Underwhelming. Maybe it's because I don't play call of duty and am used to shooters that aren't made from smegma. I've yet to confirm this, but Bethesda hired asian whores to blow a select group of happy ending aficionados and instructed the girls to use their teeth every time a demon got its balls punched through its exploded corpse, hence the very audible "OOOHHHH" you hear every time there's gore. They almost bit their cocks off during the chainsaw bit.

Also, you know you're in hell when DJ Cyberdemon is playing wubstep in the background.

Dishonored 2
Chick's powers are trash. I mean, magical webslinging? Shambling toward your target like Doc Oc? I remember the good old days when I could just blink next to my target and stab them in the throat. Efficiency. Then I would stop time, let out a good, wet fart and disappear before the power wore off to make it seem like the corpse did it.

TESO
Fuck off. Literally no one cares. Bethesda's working with limited time and Fallout's next.

Fallout 4
See those mountains? You can turn then into furniture.

Fallout Shelter
Available now, your very own post-apocalypse themed pocket hitler. Dehumanize your subjects with ragdoll physics, show them around the vault-tec approved auschwitz simulator, conduct eugenics experiments, task them with handling of the gas chambers, put the newborns to work, kill vault juden, and do other fun nazi shit.



Micro-softie is next. They'll be talking Xbone, so nothing good can come out of this conference. Bethesda set the bar high just by competently presenting exactly what was expected from them. Unfortunately, they didn't fuck anything up, though I'm still aroused from that big monitor on stage suggestively winking at me, or maybe that was morse code.

>no skills
>perk chart

What the fuck did I tell you? Bethesda can only fuck things up. It's goddamn Skyrim all over again. Dialogue system's fucked, too.

At least Fallout 2 will always remain the best Fallout game.

You're pretty fucked if you have to rely on the base build released on day one without any patches. I'll give you the entire list of everything I own for my PS4, which isn't much as I'm a picky motherfucker:

Bloodborne - must have / online aspects not required to enjoy
Infamous: Second Son
Diablo 3 - online aspects not required to enjoy
Dark Souls 2 - only worth it if you've never played it elsewhere / online aspects not required to enjoy
The Last of Us - same as DS2
GTA5 - worth it for first person
The Evil Within - not worth it at full price, shouldn't be expensive now
Dragon Age: Inquisition
Witcher 3 - have this for my PC, but it's a must own game in general, so if you have to get it for PS4 then do so

That's it. As far as I'm concerned these are the best games available for the PS4.

I once took an IQ test and it told me my disturbingly huge duck dick is my consolation prize.

That is precisely what I'm ridiculing. These conferences are just massive advertisements. There's no story to spoil. No narrative to sadistically unweave before someone's eyes. The idea that people would be worried about spoilers from a hypefest and "pre-order this today, half a year before it's out" promoting marketing event is ludicrous to me.

At the end of Final Fantasy X, Tidus dies.

Do you do your own modding?

Bethesda fucked up when it tried to grab cash from Skyrim mods, but nothing's stopping them from milking a new game. F4 will definitely be moddable. The question is whether we'll have to pay for them.

Spoilers? Jesus fucking christ. It's just carefully crafted marketing material designed to mislead you into believing that what you see is kinda, maybe, not really representative of the final product. There's no such thing as spoilers at a marketing event.

Snape kills Dumbledore.

Likely the best place to watch Beth: http://www.twitch.tv/bethesda

It comes without all the superfluous assholes who commentate during the pre-show and ask questions of the PR people like, "Is your game gon be gud?"

The way this game was meant to be played:

The aliens reevaluated their strategy and whipped out the titty troopers (you know, lamias and the like) and people like me came out of the woodwork to say to XCOM, "Well, hold on, Commander, those aliens clearly come in peace. I know you lost about five nations, but ya gotta give them a chance here."

In other words, I'm responsible for XCOM 2. You're welcome.