The Jesus Posts

I probably know who you are and don't remember, but regardless, +rep and 14.32 internets for you.

I never got into a fight in school either. I was never the strongest person in school. So before high school, I wouldn't get into fights, even if I wanted to. In my town, there's very little ground between the assholes and the targets. I would've been a target, since I was always small and weak, but I was intelligent enough to gain the favor of the assholes and I kind of steered clear of danger.

As for high school, that was something completely different. I went in there the same small, weak, antisocial no one I always was and became The Jesus. I was either loved, respected, or feared. In sophomore year, someone bet me that I wouldn't call the biggest black guy in the school, probably the biggest person in the school period, a nigger to his face, and I did it, casually, in front of a shitload of people. The only thing he said was, "If it was anyone else, I'd beat the shit out of them, but I'm not fucking with you." It was during P.E. and a little while later one of the teachers actually commended me for having balls because doing that was insane. I just laughed because I knew that he wouldn't do shit, even though I made him look like a pussy in front of mad of his friends and tons of girls. I was barely 5'5" and I don't think I ever broke 150lbs in the 4 years I was there, but no one would fuck with me.

The high school I went to had to bring in students from other districts because they didn't have enough students from their own, or something like that. It was like a different world because if it wasn't for the out of district students, it would have been pretty much all white except for 1 or 2 black people who were basically white because it was one of those twilight zone communities. Even though I loved high school, the one thing I hated was that there I never saw a single good fight in the 4 years I was there. The biggest fight I saw was only big because everyone was talking about it the entire day and my friend was in it, who I thought would put on a nice show. I was all hyped up after school because I thought someone was gonna get hurt and it turned out to be a complete bitch fight. Coming from the town I'm from, I was disappointed. This one was broken up by a single teacher, who I still believe is a tall, gay midget. Almost every other day at the high school I would've gone to if I wasn't there, the police were breaking up massive fights on the front lawn that looked like fucking riots.

The best thing that ever happened was when my friend Chris, from my town, started going to that school. Me and the rest of my friends called him the bear because he's big and when he gets really pissed, he blacks out and mauls people like an animal. Before he started there I was telling everyone that some shit would happen if people started to fuck with him, but dumb assholes just don't listen. Within the first few weeks of school, some douche bag thought he was the shit, tried to fuck with him, and it did not end well. Chris went bear, he completely annihilated him, put his head through a locker, and broke his arm. When they took him to the hospital, the kid was crying and saying something like, "tell my girlfriend I love her." I really wish I was there when it happened because its just so fun to tell people "I told you so."

Sorry about the wall of text, but when it comes to school fights, I've seen or have been around to hear about some brutal shit. When I was in 8th grade, two girls in my class got into a fight after school and one stabbed the other with a box cutter. It would've been a lot worse, but the cops were already there breaking up two other fights.

Concentration camps...

One of my favorites:

And its retarded face. That makes everyone smile...


Honestly, Zubat pisses me off. The best thing about them is that evolved Golbat are better than wild ones. They're a bitch to train though and when you are training other Pokemon, they're everywhere and you get shit for experience when you beat them.
I liked the second generation, you know from 152-251, but after that I started getting pissed.

Maybe I went a little overboard...

The day my child is born, if its a boy, I'm gonna buy a boat oar and write his name on it. If I catch him watching porn, I'll say calmly, "I've been waiting for this day for a long time. Finish up and meet me in the backyard." I figure that should give me some time to grab the oar, write the date on it, and hide somewhere. When he walks outside, I'll jump out, and crack him in the back of the head with the oar. Then, I'll light up a cigarette, if necessary I'll wait for him to wake up, give him the oar, and say, "Remember this day, for it is the day you became a man," then I'll disappear in a cloud of smoke.

If I happen to have a girl, well, I really haven't put much thought into it. I don't really know if hitting a girl in the head with a boat oar is something that should be done by the father and if it was, I'd have to rethink what I'd say. I mean I can't exactly tell my daughter that the sequence of events that took place was her rite of passage into manhood... or can I?

Absolutely... when I woke up on my birthday the first thing I thought about was the next election. I was all like, "I'm gonna vote the shit outta that mother fucker."

I was watching Pokemon and one was in a patch of grass with its head sticking out and the first thing that came to mind was playing golf.

This little piece of shit:



I'd love to beat the shit out of a group of them with a golf club.

Its a little plain, don't you think? You should go with something like this:

My version is better...

There's already a thread or a section of a thread for this. I'm searching for it right now, but until I find it, enjoy:

I'm shocked that no one has asked this all-important question... Beard or no beard?

One of my all-time favorites:

Well... insert joke here...

Request: Pic of the moose for verification of awesomeness

This needs to be posted because it proves how great humans are.