Most Useless Superpowers?

So...I may be doing a short-film down the line called Everyman, a group of rejected super heroes that still try and help out whenever possible. So far, I have the following:

-Everyman
-Major Climax
-Punctual Man
-Absent Man
-Gender Bender
-Bestiality Boy
-Lying Man
-Mr. Suicide

Most are obvious what their useless super power is, but yeah... Everyman's Super Power is being normal. Major Climax can get women to climax, but only women, making him useless against many male criminals. The Tranny can change gender, but has no control when it happens. I'm pretty sure the rest are self-explanatory...

Talking to fish.

Not the most creative of list..

Fap Man
> He gotta fap to unleash his powers.... of cum!

Fat Man
> If the criminals don't kill him first, his eating habits will!

Sleepy Dude
> Yawning all the time, he sleeps whenever wherever!

Facebook Gal
> Crushing the bad guy with walls of unnecessary status updates if the baddy has a Fb account (or online when doing the crime) that is..

Dont give a fuck Guy
> He dont give a fuck.

Bystander
> Always there when the crime happens but does nothing.

Everyone mentions Aqua Man... I actually mean to come up with new, useless superheroes. Also, here are what I have so far.

Shutter
Chameleon
Hairball
Water Pistol Packin' Pete
Beardsly
Mustachio
The Pollinator
The Photosynthesizer
The Transporter
Big Boss

Shutter's power is super blinking and Chameleon can change the color of her clothes, but only her clothes. Yeah, Chameleon has been used a ton, but this would be a good twist. Hairball can create cat hairballs to make enemies mildly uncomfortable. The same applies to Water Pistol Packin' Pete, who can only shoot water and not a lot of it. Beardsly can grow an epic beard...and nothing else. Same with Mustachio. The Pollinator can attack enemies with pollen, but it only works during Spring. The Photosynthesizer can grow like a plant, but is basically immobile otherwise. As for The Transporter...he can move things. And that's it. He can't move it very fast either. Maybe by extension, his super power is being a safe driver... Oh, and Big Boss has the power to gain weight, but has to lose it normally.

vibrating boy~ I dont know wtf..xD Uhh he shakes lol

Plank man - Has the ability to perform a plank or 'Extreme lie down' on any surface.
Pimp man - Watch out criminals, if you owe this man money, prepare to get pimp slapped.
Solo man - Walks around drinking solo 24/7. So far no power has been found for him, bar burping with slight force.
Dorito man - A man with the deadly power of corn chips. He can throw them like ninja stars. Lucky for the criminals barely any corn chips are perfectly flat.

And possibly some other shit.. that's mainly just going off what crap is lying here on my desk xD

Ulta-Sound Hearinng Man
= Hear everything around the world but makes you deaf or can even kill you.

X-ray Man
= You can only see bones.

Eyes of the Dead
= You get to see the future...before you die

The Walking Gun Man
= His hands are pistols , His feet are machine guns, His mouth is a bazooka..but you can't insert any ammo nor can you move

Stone Man
= Turns INTO a stone. So how does he turn back? The hell do I know.


Fan Boy / Fan Girls
= Tries to persuade enemies away by becoming a fan

Pepsi Man
= Gives Pepsi to become healthy but he can't drink it

Nano Man
= Can become as small as an atom.

Can't think of worthless ones >.<.

Forgot to mention that Major Climax's rival is Major STD. I'm pretty sure you can guess what his power is.

The most useless super heros you can get, are the side kicks form the movie sky high. Nuff Said.

Can I be the Sleepy dude? I sometimes have issues sleeping since I work at night.

Anyways, here's mine:

Gamer Man: Plays video games 24/7 and that's all about it.
Motor Mouth: Keeps on chatting, gossiping and is always updated w/ the rumors happening in all 47 states except Hawaii and Ohio.

Aquaman is actually kind of cool. Two words to make you reconsider: Zombie Sharks.

YouTube Vloger! He wont stop the crime, but he'll sure vlog about it!

Karaoke Man! He'll get drunk and ruin your favorite songs. (Maybe annoy the bad guys, ...until they shoot him)

Hipster Shape-shifter. She cant really shape-shift but she does have a lot of cute outfits.

And my personal favorite...
NTR Man. He can steal the bad guys' girlfriends and make a ton of people on Fakku rage about it! lmao

Being able to to turn on fire, but only while underwater.

Being able to turn invisible, but only when no one is watching you.

Being able to see in the dark, but only during daytime.

Being able to teleport anywhere one step away.

Being able to breathe underwater but only while in the air.

Being able to sit on anything.

These two are actually very useful.

The being able to see in the during daytime eliminates the need for your eyes to adjust whenever entering a new environment, which would be a boon to all the boys out in the middle east right now as they carry out raids.

The second one is also great for anyone in a close-quarters combat situation. Sure- they may not be able to escape conflict- but if you're fighting against someone who's always moving, with no indication of which direction they'll be moving to- it's something.

If you can anticipate the pull of a trigger, you'd also be able to effectively dodge bullets.

Here is the complete list of useless superpowers with explanations.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ptitleydhc2awm

and also this...

Drunk man. you can give him whatever actual power you want, just that he only use it while intoxicated, so he can barely function enough to do anything correctly.

Chameleon man- He can change the color of his skin.

Headless man- He can remove his head

Frizz Girl- Always has frizzy hair and can pass it along to others

Pool Guy- As strong as superman, but only when in a pool.

Phase Fellow- He can phase out of existence. Permanently. (You never see him again in the film)

Bob- ???

Or you could always just, wear night-vision goggles. Or just take a step.

-Current night-vision goggles are big, bulky, and inefficient. And my point was that even in broad daylight, you'd be able to see a hostile lurking in the shadows.

-Can't trip up a teleporting person. Still mobile even if someone breaks all your limbs or if you're bound.

I'm not saying that these are great superpowers- but they are useful, even if only slightly and with limited applications.

The ability to shit quickly without bleeding.