High School Fic

ok cool lol

well doing it fast is a good thing but.....try not to do too much spontaneous stuff or repeat the things you used. Give people more surprises and i hope you won't copy too much ideas from anime though.

The storyline vaguely reminds me of Shuffle!, Da Capo and a few other harem type anime...... Try something new just an advice take it or not is up to you

Haha. Never watched Shuffle! or Da Capo. Still, i'll try not to repeat things. Story is coming up later.^^

Sooooo, yeah. Here is Chapter 3. I tried some things new and, what do you know, it actually works!

BTW, i'm still sad that Nagato Yuki aint my original character... I mean, who would've known that she was actually from Suzumiya! :cry:

Anyways, here is chapter 3. I think i'm losing my writing touch^^
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Chapter 3

It was Lunchtime and Soushi was at the rooftop, enjoying his bread and canned juice with friends. Well, more like two girls at both his side, arguing over something idiotic.

"No! That's wrong!" Karin said before gulping down her Juice.

"Yes, it is." Yuki said calmy, gulping her Water.

And when I say Idiotic, I mean...

"Snakes are more cuter than Tarantulas!" Said Karin

"Tarantulas have hair" said Yuki

"This is something that shouldn't be said by two girls" Soushi sweatdropped.

It's been three days since Yuki entered Tenjou Gakuen. Everyone has calmed down since then. Although Soushi still gets a few glares from the boys.

"Snakes know how to climb up and down the stairs! Can a Spider do that?!"

"Spiders build their own homes. Can a snake do that?"

"...I still think that Snakes are better" Karin said, arms crossed and looking away. Suddenly, the bell rang, thus ending Lunch Break.

"Come on. Let's get back to class" Soushi said as he stood up and offered both his hands to the two girls. After going down from the rooftop, they entered the hallway. People were staring at them. Well, mostly at Soushi. He was in the middle with Karin on his left side and Yuki on his right side.

'Somehow, the glares got more intense' Soushi thought as he tried to bury his head beneath his collar. By the time they got back to class, he thought all his troubles for the day has ended. What he didn't know is that letting his guard down was a really bad idea when the two girls were still around him. He breathed deeply and letted out a big sigh.

"Souhi? Is something wrong?" He looked to his left and saw Karin looking at him with a concerned face.

"Eh? N-nothings wrong! Ahahaha." Soushi said as he scratched the back of his head, laughing.

"Soushi-kun?" He looked to his right and saw Yuki looking at him, confused.

"Is something wrong Soushi-kun?"

"Nothing!"

Suddenly, Soushi felt a hand on his forehead. "Hmm. You don't have a fever" Yuki said. Being a man that never had this kind of contact with girls, Soushi instinctively jumped back, blushing. Yuki looked shocked at his reaction and then laughed lightly.

'Geez. This isn't something to be laughi-' His thoughts froze. After regaining composure, he realized they were still outside the classroom, still at the hallway. Thehallway suddenly felt cold. Girls were looking at Soushi, apparently shocked at what just happened. The boys, however, sent Icy Glares towards Soushi. Suddenly, another uproar has occured.

"Damn it! I can't stand this anymore!"

"Me too!"

"Me either! Men! Take down Kagesora!!!!" followed by a chorus of "Hai!" and started to run towards the three.

"Oh Shit!" Soushi grabbed Yukis hand and began to run away.

After the mob ran after Soushi, Karin looked at their diraction and said "Baka" Before going inside the classroom.
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"You can't get away Kagesoraaaa!!!"

'Shit! How long are they gonna keep this up!' Soushi thought. Using his Knowhow of the Schools Floorplan, they dashed across the Hallway, Ran up tha stairs and into the roof.

'They won't look here' Soushi thought as he checked his watch 'I guess we'll miss 5th period'. He noticed that Yuki asn't saying anything and looked at her. Her eyes were hidden beneath her bangs as she sat there. Not knowing what to do, Soushi sat beside her. He looked at the blue sky and said "Wow. Isn't the Sky bluer today than usual?"

'What the hell am I saying?!' He thought and sighed.

"-orry"

"Hmm?" Soushi asked. He leaned closer to hear her better.

"I'm sorry"

"What for?"

There was a short pause and then she said "Everywhere I go, trouble seems to follow."

When she lifted her head, it was then Soushi noticed that Yuki was actually crying. Again, not knowing what to do, he let her continue

"Bad things always happen to me. And ever since we've met, you're getting afftected by my Bad Luck" She hugged her legs tighter and buried her face "I'm sorry. You must've hated me this whole time, didn't you Soushi-kun.

Soushi looked at her a bit longer. And after finding a response, he sighed, reached inside his pockets, pulled out a handkerchief and offered it to her...
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Yuki's POV

"Here" I heard someone say to me.

I raised my head and saw Soushi-kun lending me his Handkerchief, his face turned away.

'He must be pitying me' I thought as I reached to grab his Handkerchief.

"Stupid. Crying over something like that" my hand stopped "It isn't your fault that you're so popular and c-cute."

Although his face was turned away, I can tell that he was turning red while saying all of this.

"And besides, what gave you the idea that I hated you?" I was shocked. I was sure that after hanging around me, he would've hated me by now. I gathered my shaky voice and spoke.

"B-but... I-I was sure that-"

"Are you an Idiot?!" His sudden outburst made me flinch

"Why on earth would I get mad over something like that?! A-and besides..." there was a pause and Soushi turned his head my way, grinning like an idiot with his cheeks tainted red "I'm actually glad that I met you. Being around you makes life more interesting"

I was absolutely stunned. I just... looked at him. Here, in front of me, is a guy that's actually glad to be with me even though he knows about my bad luck. Whether he gets involved or not, he actually doesn't care. Suddenly, before I knew it, I was laughing and crying at the same time. Tears of joy were streaming down my laughing face as I grabbed Soushi-kuns handkerchief and wiped them away.

"Ahaha. You're really weird, Soushi-kun" I said with a small smile "but you're really a good friend. You're the second one to say that to me"

"Eh? What do you mean by that?"

"Huh? Nothing" I smiled wider.

"Ahahaha. I knew it! You smiling fits you perfectly!" He grinned.

Hearing that made me blush lightly, but I still smiled nonetheless. Reminiscing his words, I noticed something about what he said to me. Time for a Prank.

"Soushi-kun?"

"Hmm?"

"When you said that when i'm around you, life becomes more intersting, cerrect?"

"Correct. Why?"

"Does that mean i'm just a thing to entertain you?"

He froze. 'Good, now for the Final Blow' I thought. I started to swell fake tears and I began to sob lightly, rubbing my eyes. "Soushi-kun *hick* that's so *hick* mean" I said.

Suddenly, he stooed up and started waving his arms wildly, looking at me with a desperate face.

"N-n-n-n-noooo!! That's not what I meant! A-actually, the reason I hang around you is b-b-because you're r-really b-b-beauti-" he stopped. His head became red and Smoke began to come out of his ears. He literally stopped functioning.

"Eh? Soushi-kun?" I poked him.

Thunk!

He fell like a log.

Eh?! Soushi-kun?!" 'Oh no! I think I went too far!' I thought as I repeatedly shook him to wake up. "Soushi-kun! Wake up! It was just a joke! Wake uuuuppp!!!"

End POV
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Soushi opened his eyes.

'Ugh. Where am I?' He thought. He looked around and saw curtains around him.

'Infirmary? hat the hell happened to me?" He tried to remember, but everything seems to be a blur. He looked up and noticed the clock. The time is already 5.

'Better go home then' As Soushi tried to get up, something heavy that is on his legs prevented him from doing so.

'What the-?' It was then Soushi noticed a black-haired girl sleeping with her head on his legs.

'What's she doing here?' As he tried to remember again, the nurse came in.

"Ah. You're awake"

"Mmm... mam? What happened to me?"

"Well, according to this young lady here" she pointed at Yuki and continued "You fainted during 5th period.. After she brought you here, I told her to go back to class. But she insisted in staying with you till you wake up."

"Really?"

"Yes, really and she went closer to me "You're really lucky, to have such a caring girlfriend"

"She's not my Girlfriend!" Soushi suddenly blurted out.

"Tsk. No need to get touchy about it. Anyway, i'm closing at 5:30. Please wake her up and leave the infermary. I heard it could get pretty dangerous here during night." She said before leaving the two alone.

'What a weird nurse' He looked back at Yuki. She was sleeping quietly. Slowly and carefully, Soushi stroked her hair.

"Girlfriend, huh? Maybe that's not such a bad ide-' He stopped moving his hand and pulled it back to him.

'Arrgh! What am I thinking! She probably doesn't even have feelings for me!' He turned his hands into fists and started bonking his head.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!"

"Ha ha..."

Soushi stopped. He looked up and saw Yuki wide awake and obviously trying to stifle her laughter.

"You're awake now?" Soushi asked.

"I am now"

"Good. Let's get out of here before we both get locked inside the school" Soushi said as he kicked off the bed, fixed his things and jogged towards the gate, still a bit annoyed how Yuki saw him doing that idiotic thing.

"Hey, hey! Wait for me!" Yuki screamed across the hallway.
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Soushi's POV

I stopped jogging and looked back. Nagato is running towards me, even though I was just jogging the whole time.

"You're very athletic, you know that?" I said sarcastically as She finally caught up to me.

"You're mean, Soushi-kun" Nagato said after taking a deep breath.

"Hahaha. I'll try not to pick on you, Nagato-san" I said as we began to walk.

We fell silent for amoment till she said "Soushi-kun. Can I ask you two favors?"

"Two? Usually I take only one, but why not?"

Then she looked at me seriously " okay. First. Please stop calling me bymy name. It's frustrating."

I stopped on my tracks. My mind went blank and my body went numb.

"Eh? Soushi-kun?"

"C-c-come again?"

"I said. Stop saying my name"

That's it. The world has ended and i'm the sole survivor. Destined to live and die alone for the rest of my-

"Instead, call me Yuki or Yuki-chan!"

Eh? What did she just say?!

"W-w-what did you say?"

"I said. Call me Yuki or Yuki-chan" she crossed her arms "Really, Soushi-kun. I think you're going deaf"

I looked at her astoundingly and quickle responded "Sure. Y-Yuki."

I can feel the blush slowly rising. But before I could turn my head, I looked at Yuki and saw that she was slightly blushing but still smiling.

'Eh?' I thought 'She's blushing? Wait... then that means that there's still a chance for her to like me back!'

I punched the air and silently said "Hell Yeeah!"

"Soushi-kun?"

Yuki was looking at me with a confused face.

"N-nothing. Come on, the train might leave us" and I started walking. She was walking beside me.

"Ah. Soushi-kun"

"Hmm?"

"About the other favor..."

"uh-huh"

W-well... it's more of like a request..."

"..."

"W-well... I was wondering..."

"..."

"I-if you are... you know... umm..."

"Would you just blurt it out?!" That got her attention

"I... If you are free this Sunday!"

My heart felt like it jumped and got caught in my throat, but I kept my cool and said "Yeah. Why?"

W-well... I feel bad about giving you trouble all the time... So I decided to buy you something"

"Eh?! You don't have to do that for me!"

"Please!" She said with a hint of desperation

"...Sure. So when will we meet?"

"How about at the mall around 1? She said

"Okay! Sunday, Mall, 1 O' clock. Got it!" I grinned at her and she returned that with a smile.

After that, the walk to the station was pretty much quiet. We rode the train and soon, we stopped at her station.

"Well. See you tomorrow, Soushi-kun" The door opened

"Yeah. See you tomorrow. Y-Yuki" She smiled and walked out. But then she turned and said "Also. Sorry for pulling that prank on you"

"Prank? What are you talking abo-" suddenly, everything came back.

"Ehhh?! Why you little-!" But before I could say anything more, the door closed and the train went away, heading for my station.

End POV
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"I'm home" Soushi said before entering the house. He putted away his things and settled in the dinner table. As usual, he and his family talked about random stuff while eating.

After that, Soushi took a shower, got dressed and laid down in bed.

"Sunday...No matter how you look at it, it looks like a date with Yuki"

He shook his head "What the hell am I thinking? She's just gonna buy me something and we'll go home. End of story" he convinced himself and closed his eyes.

And as he finally drifted to sleep, he dreamed of what could happen this Sunday.

End Chapter 3
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So! That was the suprise! The POV! (Point Of View). Oh yeah. While writing down the story here on FAKKU, I tried to change a few things. But that's not something to be worrying about.

So! Chapter 4, huh? Well, don't expect it to be coming out soon. Mr Brain takes his time, ya know?

EDIT

So I changed the Ending a bit, since Damien had complains of Soushi's ways of thinking, and I fixed a few typos while I was at it.

Oh, btw. If you people didn't get why Soushi said "Hell Yeeah!", please refer to the Movie "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" to get it^^

cool i liked the change of pov...ive never really seen that before so its a bit strange but still cool lol but take ur time =]

:arrow:

lol, i wanted to see how many voted "u suck at writing", and it ended up with one vote, MINE, lol, don't mind, just playin around, i'm not a writer, don't know how to "professionally" comment on ur writing skills, but as long as there's "action" involved, it's ok for me.

Edit: Just a small advice, Make it Funny

Ohohohoho!!! I'll try to make some puns and more action in chapter 5. Right now, I already have an image in my mind for chapter 4

-I can see the Ending!-

Oh, and thanks for your comment. You're the first one to vote 'I suck!' and I appreciate it, really. So i'll just lower my machinegun and let you live so you can see my improvement in writing someday^^

*sigh* well......i get to the point......

Good places

1)POV(point of view) good idea. You took my advice and tried something new good job it worked nicely. The descriptions are simple and understandable keep it up!!

2)Nice job on the conversations. It was interesting to see 2 girls with similar preferences arguing like that it's funny and gives mood to the story.

3)Good to see you checked the spelling this time. There was no mistakes as far as i can see so please continue like this in the future.

Bad Places

1)Hate to break it to ya but the last part about the date....... you didn't take my advice on that......it was A LITTLE spontaneous....... No girl asks a guy out of the blue. i believe you are trying to indicate their intimacy but on the contrary that backfired...... I don't think they should have a date so fast they probably didn't even know each other for long perhaps 3 months? the developement is too sudden.

2)Ok....What the hell is with Karin? i get she's suppose to be part of the love triangle with those two so why she getting a minor role? from what i see she is aggresive right? so she should take more initiative. she should create more sparks and give the story more twists and turns.

3)Reference from anime/manga is ok but i think you've been relying too much from what you watch/read from them. You should only use them as references plot wise not too much on the writing, it affects the fact that this is a story not a anime turned novel understand?

Well overall i can only give this chapter a 7/10. i took 3 marks out of the bad parts. Keep up the good work anyway you have potential but you let too much of anime/manga influence your writing so remember my advise.

my god its like ur a prafesional(cant spell =[) lol

*gasp* Maybe you're really a Famous Novelist who's into Hentai?!

Anyways. Thanks for the comments Damienthedevil. I'll try not to rely on the Anime/Manga too much. And yeah, Karin is aggressive and nobody. I'll take your advice to heart.

But right now, i'm telling you. It aint my fault! Mr. Mind just keeps writing what he feels is right! I'll try to talk it over and convince him to take your advice. Again, thanks for the comment.

Hope you comment more in the near future. Of course, the other viewers too^^

PS

I'll cancel out Soushi's thought of the Date. For it really isn't a date.

Read the Edit. Now if there's other comments, advices or complaints, please feel free to say them. I won't fire my machinegun at you, really^^

Chapter 4: 5%

i guess i was a little harsh with my comments but i mean well hope everyone that has been reading my posts understand that lol....

the ending is better that actually sticks to his character keep it up hope to see more improvement in the next chapter

No, don't be. I'm actually glad that you're harsh! You point out my mistakes, thus helping me improve on my writing^^

:lol: then i will be continuing my harsh comments from now on :P

Yes. Please do so^^

Chapter 4: 5% (OMG! I'm so Lazy!)

Hey uzumaki now that i thought about it you haven't put up any new chapters in awhile now so what happened to this little story???

BTW i just got a little idea for your next chapter


Tell me what you think ok?

Oh! Almost forgot about this!

Hmm... your idea sounds very intriguing, but there are a few flaws that contradict with the previous story... it's still good though... ahh I know! Hehehehe... I just thought of a way to fit your idea! So be prepared once I release the chapter!

Chapter 4: 5% (OMG! I forgetz the story! not to worry, I have idea now!)

Suspected as much seeing as you started to post fanfiction lol..... btw i don't think that my idea contradicts it though.....

Okay... I just noticed right now that 2 people voted that I sucked writing... hmm...

uhh.....

I guess this isn't enough to randomly kill people with my machine gun now...is it?

Anyways, who voted that I sucked?! :evil: At least you could do is complain to my story (like what nate did).



Haven't answered this question^^

anyways, i'ma still thinking for the title and its chapter names(Like ReAct's "Vision".)

So for now... High School Fic is good enough...

btw... how do you change the topics name? Lol, still newbie^^

Chapter 4: 20% (Yay! It'sh advancing!)

@uzumaki
you could change the topics name by editing the first post.

and i like your story,although damienthedevil's harsh comments actually hit the point straight like an arrow,and i have nothing to add for that and let the pros do their job.

but i don't like the way that you ask for who voted that you sucked(and the way you ask for the guy who voted to at least complain)

maybe the guy who sez that you sucked can't put his complaints and opinions into words....

you should just make that a motivation to do better. :)