Unnamed Story.

This thread is where I'll post drafts of parts of my story as I write them for comments and opinions!

You can download a nice little PDF package of the story for easier reading and printing HERE.

What follows after the line break is the original first post.

EDIT:: I've decided to remove all the prose in this thread so this thread can be for discussion purposes (and fanart, please! XD). For the prose, you have that PDF file right there.

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Alright guys. I'll start with some writing I did just today. My fertile mind comes up with all these ideas for a story, but finding the time to write them is another matter. XD

Hopefully I can see this one all the way until completion. Here's half the prologue.

*Prose removed*

Whoa, go Raze keep up the story man i want to hear more!!

Man i feel sorry for the guy though, seems like he's in a lose, lose situation. But he did get to see her undies and breast 8) so i guess he's a little lucky

...lifted them up to reveal the rest of her underwear. A surge of blood rushed to my penis and my mind almost went completely blank...

There. That's better.

As I expected, you make a good writer. I'll possibly come back and edit this post when I have more time for content. Right now, I'm just saying "Read it, met expectations."

Hmm... that's a good suggestion, but I think I'll stick with mine. What I wanted to convey was that feeling of having the blood rush to your face and being mad flushed after seeing something as... exotic... as that, as well as the subtle notion of the 'other' head... which you picked up. XD

I intend to follow it up today, looks like I achieved the effect I wanted (lose-lose situation). The next part will be quite tricky to pull off I think, but I'll see.

Just make me want to draw her sleeping on sofa..

Shit, My Doujin!! Don't care, it's almost complete..

Just wait for me Raze, i will draw an art for this story...

Very nice, Raze! How long is this intended to be anyway? You did say ...

Oh, just you wait, guys. The second half of the prologue contains RAPE, which will have reverberations throughout the story. I was working on a bunch of stuff today outside FAKKU, so I'll get to this tomorrow morning.

As you can probably imagine, it's going to be quite a long story; romance and drama, because I just love stuff like that. And oh, the occasional sex scene here and there.

hey, Raze. The hair, you don't explain about it... It was the most important thing(for me)to draw, and also for the reader to imagine it..

Ah, i just make it long hair. No changing, it has been completely drawn, and only need to be coloured, and then upload it here.

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XD... Rape? damn, i hate it.

I hope the hair is shoulder length. XD

That being said, it's AWESOME you'll be drawing art of my characters! Here's a few pointers for you.

She's supposed to have a moe look. Later in the story, there will be another girl that comes in, and that girl needs to be extremely beautiful. In other words, female lead is cute, and latter female is beautiful.

This prologue is set when they're not very old at all, so be careful about that. The main part of this story will take place at the last years of secondary school life (years 7-13), so the age of the characters in the prologue is around 13-14.

Please PM or email me if you want to draw the other characters, so I can describe them to you before you do it. XD

Alright, here's the rest of the prologue. I still need to proofread it, but I hope it meets expectations.

*Prose removed*

Not bad, not bad at all. I like the simple, rough sexuality of the situation and the realism in both characters reactions. I especially like the first half of the prologue where you detail the heat and humidity; the laziness of a summer afternoon. I'm a sucker for detail like that. Personally, I feel this guy got off a little easy for, in essence, raping someone, but that doesnt affect my judgment of your writing. I felt that your syntax was a bit awkward at times, but sentence structure is one of the hardest things to get right(I myself have trouble often with it). But over all I feel like you have a good voice and know what your doing.

Uh... I should believe people, that you are indeed a lolicon. Damn, i have drawn her around 15-17...

I will try to made it cuter, so it's looks younger.

no no.. I think, when i at that age(13-14, junior high school) i never think to exactly rape other person, even she is naked in front of me, maybe i just run away.. Trully!! But, story makes story, so keep making great story like this. Thankss XD.

True. In fact, when I had my first relationship and experience at age 14, I was quite the loser. *shudders*

However, if the protagonist is able to act this way despite his age, it tells us a few things about him:

1) He is extremely frustrated with his relationship with the girl. As is stated, he has a massive crush on her, but she acts like he doesn't exist.
2) This rape was more about the protagonist trying to force himself into her life; he wanted so much to be noticed by her that he even misinterpreted her actions as acts of seduction. It was also about dominance; again, to prove to the girl he actually exists.
3) The fact that he swore using language that better fitted an adult also suggests that he is a very intelligent boy, which he is.

With Chapter One, the story will jump forward about three years ahead, when the characters are around 17 years old, the final year of secondary school/high school.

haven't read all of this yet. tired. long day. my suggestion was just in jest, like most of my comments. just wanted to throw that in. i'll check back here in however long it takes me to get unbusy.

expect to see the topic pulled up again in a month. ;P

Edit. Well, it's 1:18am. I read the prologue properly and over a few times. I had a vague idea of the themes and ideals before you explained them to another user, so I'm happy that I can still analyze some things.

The writing is good. You seem to like the few words genitalia and penis a bit much, which was something my brain tweaked on. It prefers to hear a range of words. Even if you start getting into labia and more scientific terms, it'd suit your vocabulary and thus suit the story a bit more.

I myself wrote about a chapter or so of a novel I planned out, but unfortunately by the time I came back to it, my ideas had changed so much I couldn't keep writing and threw it in the bin. -sigh- But if I find I have nothing to do one evening [unlikely] then I'll write up something. Even if it is just an eroge.

Anyway, good job. And it did continue to meet expectations ^_~

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ah.. Fail for the age, sorry.

ehh....don't think too much about it, she sort of passes for 13, the main focus is too pull off the moe look, that's just my opinion.

Oh god. I think I just came. Inside.

i wonder why i never get to read stories like this.. the only ones ive ever read are by accident and are way too cheesy like "he spread open her cheeks like opening a sandwich and then inserting his pulsating sausage.."
something along those lines anyway