Unnamed Story.

Not at all, constructive criticism always helps. It sucks to get them but if there are glaring problems I'd like to hear them.


You're very right on that and many others have already pointed it out. I myself did not like it before I even posted it, but good old Deft-Monkey suggested I insert a short scene in between the two halves which should rectify the sudden change in Kyle's attitude.


I'm afraid I'll have to disagree on this one. I could easily just copy and paste my character descriptions from my notes right after they're introduced and modify it slightly so it fits in the prose, but I chose not to. Like I've said before, I want my characters to come out as characters through the plot and their actions, and not list all their traits in a huge paragraph like a textbook. I've never seen a character being introduced in a good novel or short story where the narrative simply lists the character's traits.

Not to mention that short little scene is simply a flashback; in fact, during my proofreading I considered removing his name from that scene, leaving the readers to piece together the fact that that boy is the same James that tries to comfort Alia later in the chapter. I chose not to, however.

You will all learn more about James very soon; in fact, the first half of Chapter 3 is all about him. Also, gotta give you guys something to look forward to right? XD

I believe you misunderstood my meaning on the description part... I meant that you should describe him(physically) in the chapter you introduced him in. Of course i'm not telling you to just throw one whole paragraph to describe him. There are various ways to describe a character without making it sucky....Example - You can split his description up and describe him along when you write the story. Like this:

'James was seen standing there waiting...His [color] hair was rustled and his [whatever] face was flushed due to the waiting'

Isn't it much better than what you thought? I still think that you should have describe him. No matter what method you used...

I see what you mean. I'll revise that little section with James and Alia to include more physical descriptions of James once I'm done with class for today; reading through it, it did seem like I left him out in favor of Alia (whom I described in vibrant detail).

Also, for the rest of you, I added a bit more to the end of the first half, which should hopefully justify that 180 degree mood swing Kyle had.

Okay, I went through the chapter trying to add some physical descriptions of James, but I found more often than not it ended up sounding like extraneous information. It broke the momentum and pacing of the prose, which stood well on its own two feet without the descriptive detail.

So yes, while descriptive writing is generally good, I think how concise you are is also very important; detail should only be used when called for. I described Alia getting out of her car in great detail because I wanted her first impression to be absolutely stunning. I described Kyle in great detail during the piano recital because this was how Alia fell in love with him. I described Sanae in great detail in the prologue because what she was like back then caused Kyle to rape her. Right now, frankly, I don't see the need to describe James to the level you ask for at any point in the chapter.

So yes, while you are right in that I didn't describe James much, it's not as big of a problem as you make it sound; if it really was such a big problem, I'm sure many others before you would've pointed it out. Since it really seemed to bug you, I've added some details about James' appearance in that little flashback at the start of the chapter, but to go any further than that is unnecessary I think.

umm let me say some not tryin to sound like a dick but i also feel there is a slight lack of decription...i just tend to forget things very easy when im ready so he's not the only one who see's it but hey what do i know right :o

Really? What do the rest of you think?

It would help if you guys could quote specific parts of the prose that could use a bit of spicing up, because I'm having a difficult time finding them. As a Chinese saying goes, "the bystanders are objective".

Actually Raze I agreed with your point about being concise. Besides it's not like the whole story is finished. There's plenty of time to drop little bits of physical information on James and everyone else for that matter. It's fairly common to read things and slowly gain a better understand of a character mentally and physically. I don't think I've ever read a book where a character was completely described the first time they showed up.

Edit: I liked the bonus scene.

Just read the edited version. I like the extra part. So simple a scene that is brimming with meaning and tension.

I agree with Ramsus about James. From the first time reading about him, I didn't think he needed any more description, physical or anything else. I know that I'll learn more about him as the story progresses. I loved the part with his hidden personality how he hides his frustration and anger behind his smile.

I also like how Kyle has growing tendencies for Alia. Shows a more human side of him, considering his perfection in most areas.

I don't really think you've lacked description anywhere, Raze. If anything, there are parts where it maybe could be eased up a little, but purely optional. I just find it a tad bit nagging that every time Alia is spoken about she is described to such lengths. I remember enjoying imagining the scent of her hair, the feel of her shapely legs, but to be happening every few lines was a bit tedious for me. I'm not so sure that it would be better without the description because like you said it helps to emphasise and give justification to Kyle's possible slight swing, but maybe something other than her hair and beaming face? Maybe she could have a light skip to her step or something? Like I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, to me it's the little things that really put everything together.

Just a suggestion, I'm not saying that I'm right. I'd like to hear what other people think.

Yeah, I thought my style left enough clues that you would certainly learn more about James as the story progresses; it's not like he's a minor character or anything. I even said that the beginning of Chapter 3 would be all about him. Which was why I just could not understand why Damienthedevil was making such a big fuss about lack of description when, as Deft-Monkey said, I probably have too much at times (especially with Alia). I think I'll leave the chapter the way it is now and move on to Chapter 3 once the weekend hits and I'm done with my homework.

I'll try to do what you said about varying descriptions a little more, Deft-Monkey, and this should be a nice hill for me to climb, mainly because I tend to focus on facial features when I look at women (hence a lot of facial and hair references).

I'm glad you guys liked the extra scene. Immediately after Deft-Monkey suggested inserting some scene in between the two halves with Kyle making some contact with Sanae, the scene popped up in my head and I was like "Oh, this could work". I'm also glad you guys like the little nuances and tension beneath the surface of that scene. Writing the second half of the chapter was tough work and I'm glad the transition has been fixed, but it's important for me (and you guys) to remember that the chapter doesn't exist as two halves and is meant to be read as a whole.

Perhaps I'll create a new (locked) thread where you guys can read the text without having to click "Next Page" every time, since someone said it was tough reading the story while it was so fragmented.

hmm...looks interesting.

I'll probably read all of this tomorrow.

I'm going to change how I'll post my story from now on. Instead of dumping chunks of it post by post, I'm going to put it into a nifty little PDF file which you can download. If you don't know what a PDF file is and/or can't open it, Google "Adobe Acrobat Reader" and install it.

I went through the entire work so far this morning and made many, many changes to the prologue and both chapters; if you've been following my story you will notice quite a lot expression, descriptive, and sentence changes and additions (including physical descriptions of Alia's friends, Megan and Christie), especially in the prologue. However, I won't edit the individual story posts with the revised version, because it's quite impractical to do so really.

The link to download the PDF is in the first post, but for convenience sake I will also post it here:

PDF File for Unnamed Story (255kb)

As I said in the PDF, I would really, really appreciate it if you artists out there like my story enough to draw some fanart for all of us to enjoy. There's nothing that excites me and makes me happier than seeing people drawing art on their own accord for the story I spent so much time and effort on, so please! I know good art takes a long time to do, so your efforts won't go unrewarded!


I thought about giving chapter titles, but decided to wait until the whole thing is done, then see if I felt up for it.

Unfortunately for me, I'm no anime artist, and I'm a closet otaku so I don't have any anime artist friends to ask either. Artwork for my story would really depend on whether other artists are kind enough to draw for me.


Thank you, you won't be disappointed; right now, everything's all predictable, but once I set the ball rolling in Chapter 3, there should be quite a few plot twists after that.


I based a lot of things in this story from my own experiences as an international secondary school student in Hong Kong, so that's where it's from.

And before you idiots make the link and go "that can't be right", Hong Kong is very different from China; it's like Tokyo in terms of its metropolitan character, but instead of American influence, in Hong Kong the influence is mainly British. Furthermore, this is an international school, and American/European (especially British) culture plays a big part of school life.

Damn I didn't see that link in the first post, my bad.

I just wanted to say that I've been a lurker on this site for a while, but it's this unnamed story that finally made me register.

Great story, loving every chapter, I even checked this forum every day to see if chapter 3 was here yet. Great PDF made me reread what was written so far.

There's just one thing that strikes me as odd, and I wish to point it out. On page 7 of the PDF it says Alia had only transferred to Kyle's school a week ago, and she fell in love with Kyle at the piano concert. Then on page 12 it says that Alia had been admiring Kyle for years and now she finally gets a chance to be with her soul mate. Is it just me or is there something wrong? Sorry to nitpick.

O and one more thing, I'm really confused, are Ian and James supposed to be the same person? Or are they two separate people both vying for Alia's affections?

I absolutely love it when I hear that people like the story this much, but there's really more to the forums than my story! XD


Nope, nothing wrong at all. I italicized that section on page 7 to show that those little sections are flashbacks. The current time of the story is almost three years after Alia transferred to the school, and those little flashback scenes in Chapter 1 tell of how Alia fell in love with Kyle.


Ian and James are just two of the many, many boys in the school (and outside school, really) vying for Alia's affections. And yes, they are different people; don't really know why you would think they're the same person, really.

i thought that too when i FIRST read the story. maybe im a bad/slow reader..but then i found out using the description of James that they weren't the same person..
the PDF was great! TY raze. looking forward to ur story later. :wink:

Ask and ye shall receive (I guess):

Kyle:


Just a quick little thing I did just today. Inspiration came from the basketball scene.

wow! great sketch! i dont have a good sense of artisic abilities but i this its good. :D