Unnamed Story.

that looks great..(a litlle skinny for my taste but still good =])

Awesomeness. Saved!
Keep 'em coming guys! :oops:

ah well, here:


still need to remind people, this is before Raze explained the hair color, so i just draw it brown >.<

very nice tkhnoman.

Way to go tkhnoman, keep at it.

Raze isn't the only one who appreciates your contributions.

Great job to you as well ZeroOBK!

Raze, your descriptions must be pretty good, because from two different artists, we've gotten two very similar outlooks on Kyle.

Similar outlooks? I'm not seeing it.

@ tkhnoman: I'm glad to see that you still have that image. I was worried it might have been lost forever.

Yay! Thanks!

Yeah, this was drawn after I had only the first half of the prologue, and didn't say much about Sanae's hair other than the fact it was... lol can't remember. Anyway, nothing about hair color or length.


Hmm. I guess we'll put it this way: with Alia, Sanae and Kyle, I probably go overboard with the descriptions, because they are attractive people. Ian and James could probably use more I suppose, I'll try to put more of those in.

I'm sorry to say I haven't been working on the story at all! T_T I've been so swamped with work it's not funny. I have a music exam tomorrow, a six-page paper for Thursday, and a cell biology exam on Friday. Not to mention all the assigned reading, piano practicing (working on a Saint-Saens concerto atm), and other homework I have to do (have to analyze a Scarlatti sonata for one of them T_T).

Hey raze i got a question ( love your story so far btw ) how many times do go back over your story if any and want to add somthing or change it or remove things. Iam just curious so i thought i would ask

My answer to that would be: not enough. XD

I typically tend to just write the prose out, post it here on the thread, then proofread it on FAKKU and correct/improve anything that needs it. And, before I released that pdf file, I went through the whole thing once more. So, basically, twice so far, but I did make a lot of changes each time.

Fall break is coming up! I'm hoping to get Chapter 3 churned out then. Also, I should probably get around to composing a theme song for this... XD

Interesting... :twisted:
I wonder, will someone die or be backstabbed. :twisted:
Looking forward to a twist :twisted:

Unfortunately, I don't know Portugese or even Spanish (though I plan on learning Spanish perhaps this coming summer), so I can't help you there.

As for converting stuff to PDF, you need to have the full version of Adobe Acrobat to do it. I don't have it on my computer, but the university computers do, which is how I've been doing it. If you do have access to a full version of Adobe Acrobat somewhere, it should be an easy process to convert your document. By the way, I put a new version of the PDF with tkhnoman's first artwork and ZeroOBK's more recent one on the first post.

I will make it a priority to type up the next chapter during Fall Break, which is just a week away! I have the events planned out for the next two or three chapters, so it's just a matter of sitting down with some coffee and braving it out.

Bump for great justice!

Razeeeee next chapter, pretty pretty please?

Awesome ! But what is your goal with the story ? I mean afterwards, when you completed it. Would it become like an actual book or make a Doujinshi serie ? I do love to read and especially doujinshi but I like the fact that I can picture it in my head. Like a book. Or make it like a book and put some fine artwork in it.

Anyway...
I like the storyline and I'm very curious about what's going to happen next. Keep up the nice work, but don't let your schoolwork fall behind because of it :). Take your time.

I'm a little tired, so sorry if my criticism sounds trite. I thought that the story had a good premise, but the more I read the more it started to detract from what was a perfectly good start to something that might end in a trainwreck... unless that's what you're aiming for, Raze.

My number one criticism was the fact that the main character became this super perfect student, only to be offsetted with a foul attitude. The way I see it, it doesn't really fit, the two images, nor do I believe that Kyle was given enough character development. True, the incident with Sanae was the stimulus for his present character, but I don't feel like that accounts for everything, nor should that even explain his temper flare and consequent slap to Alia, where the following scene that developed after that strike me as unrealistic. I'd never believe that if a girl got slapped that she would still have the compassion to say "Everything's alright" while knowing that he likes someone else. Perhaps I foreshadow a potential rape scene of James and Alia. I'm hoping that we get to see some character insight into Sanae because that's where the root of the problem lies, and we get to see why she's become such a cold person. (Other than the rape incident, it's like she's frosted over, inside and outside. The abominable snowman couldn't even touch that.)

I'm not expecting a Pulitzer prize novel-length story here, but I also believe that the story pace has advanced a lot more quickly than I thought it should. This however ties into the lack of character development, which becomes apparent as the story literally dives into the meat as Kyle (once again) is starting things up with the wrong methods and the wrong intentions, to go so far as to smack a girl just because she liked him and he couldn't say no, which I thought was ridiculous anyways.

As far as everything else goes, the character development I believe is the real bugger that you should improve on as well as the plot advancement pace. Other than that, the setting was fine, and the details given per scene was great and on par from the erotic stories I've read myself. I also see a School Days/Suzuka formula in this, but I'm hoping it turns out to be something more and less violent than School Days and less indecision and angst than Suzuka. In any case, not bad, and I would like to see more of this down-to-earth kind of story. (One of the better ones I've seen so far on this forum in any case.) I just hope that it doesn't get riddled with anime plot devices and turn out into the aforementioned anime.

Working on it! I wrote almost a thousand words yesterday (James and Alia's past), but I'm not liking where I had intended to put it, and I need to think more about how to wrap that up so that it completely explains the relationship they have now. It's proving to be quite difficult, and with all the rehearsals coming up and all the schoolwork (and FAKKU work) I'm sad to say that it may be a while until the next one. I had several brainwaves and have the plot planned out for at least 3 more chapters though, and there are some awesome sex scenes, one of which I've already choreographed the beginning of and had Jacob, Mike, and Mattarat read. They all loved it.


I actually don't know. I mean, it would be nice if it was turned into a novel or something, but that's expecting too much. For now I'll just keep writing and see what happens. I'm thinking that, after I iron out the bad stuff and get into the actual body of the story, I'll submit it to FanFiction.net so my talent, if I have any, can be recognized. It's all wishful thinking though. XD

I can't draw humans well either (might take a drawing class here if I have a spare slot in my final college year though), so there goes the artwork aspect, unless artists are willing to help me out.


I actually have no idea how it's going to end. In fact, I wrote the first two chapters while only having the events of the upcoming Chapter 3 planned out, no further. When I sit down and think about the events of the story, I try to put myself into each character's shoes and think about what I would do if this happened to me. In other words, I'm letting my characters act out the story for me. I'm quite an angst-lover, so most of the drama will indeed center on this.


You are very right. I just reread the second half of Chapter 2 and really did not like how Kyle overreacted like that. In fact, I never really liked it, and it was not in what I had originally planned for that chapter. It's because something similar but far more important as a plot device will happen, but Kyle never goes as far as slapping her. I'm thinking of having Kyle while her off so that he can ask Sanae (ie. tell her that he needs some time to think about it), which would be far more in line with his rational personality. However, the reason I'm not jumping into it straight away is that I would practically have to rewrite the entire second half, because I made it look like the world had ended for Alia after Kyle had slapped her. Looking at it now and looking at my notes, I honestly have no idea why I did that and it is obviously over-dramatized.


About character development and plot advancement, it is important to remember that this is but the tip of the iceberg. I am still very much in the stage of setting up the story up. I like drama and angst, as I said above, and so it's safe to say I have quite a bit in store (or at least, as much as is possible to have in a teenage romance story; it's only after pondering about it for so long that I realized there really is not much to the genre). As for more about Sanae, I had intended (just never really got around to it) to slot in a paragraph about what Sanae's like in school and how others see her. James you will find out a lot more about once I iron out the million problems I'm currently having with it, so that a plot disaster like with the second half of Chapter 2 does not happen again. As for Kyle, I feel that his near-perfection (I say near-perfection because he is subject to the same human flaws as all of us) and actions (ignoring his ridiculous anger rish) should be enough, as well as upcoming events in the story. As a test, do you feel that, minus his sudden outburst and his slapping Alia, you roughly know what kind of person Kyle is at this point in the story? If you still don't, I'd like more feedback on how to improve the story.

I intend to weave a complex love-hate web between Kyle, Sanae, Alia, James, and possibly Ian, though it's proving difficult to throw him in as well. Megan and Christie may also get involved with Ian and James, or, though it is unlikely, Kyle. When I am finally done setting the stage for this story (which probably won't be in at least another chapter or two), I hope that this will become apparent.

I've removed the entire second half of the story from the PDF because I think it's absolutely horrible. If you've read it, I entreat you to forget about everything that happened there and, I apologize for this, wait until I once again have the time to churn this out.

Thanks for all your support guys! I put in a lot of effort into this, and so your comments and encouragement really do mean a lot to me.

the all-mighty Raze gaved us an update!
omg. haha. i encrypted my folder contain your PDF and other stuff.

looking forward to your story!
seems like you are almost done. ^^

@Raze: I know this is the tip of the iceberg... but all the better to correct things now than later down the road when you're in the thick of writing and then you realize that you're missing this or that or not enough of something, etc.

I feel like I should know what Kyle's personality is, but I still can't grasp a full picture of what he is. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I see Kyle as an impetuous guy who has this "shoot first, ask later" kind of mindset, which would explain the many bad incidents that he causes. He obviously wants to gain forgiveness from Sanae, so at least the audience knows he's not some sex-crazed maniac but rather a guy who honestly regrets his actions and is riddled with guilt. Given what I read so far, and if his near-perfection condition stays, I'd say he's a guy who's a genius with little social common sense and lacks social skills. He's smart, but that leaves him somewhat clueless as to how to go about around women, obviously proven through his disasterous rape incidene with Sanae. He's got good intentions, but with the wrong methods, which again reinforces his lack of social skills and the manisfestation of guilt throughout his life.

Was my assessment of Kyle close?

Personally, I believe that Kyle's academic, creative and athletic abilities are not present without reason. There are people who become like this(maybe not quite so to the bone) as a kind of compensation for past emotional damage.

From my recollection of the prologue(or was it Chapter 1 - whatever had the rape in it), Kyle didn't come across as being a perfectionist in all areas like he does currently. After 'losing' Sanae, Kyle's determination would not let him to give up on her, and as a result he has honed his skills in most every field because he strives to make something of himself in the eye's of Sanae.

I wouldn't say that Kyle lacks common sense and social skills. Nor should I think he is clueless around girls. Kyle is popular, but oh-so arrogant(or so I would believe), and he has not the time nor the patience to deal with those of little importance to him. His thoughts are almost always on Sanae(although decreasingly so, it would seem), so why should others matter, particularly? I think that in his case, common sense, social skills, and appropriate behaviour around girls, is superceded by his own ambitions.

I'm not sure whether or not you have noticed, but he behaves normally and appropriately around Alia most of the time. I think any outbursts would be due to her constant pestering, her bad timing, or simply some fault on her half(eg. Not sure if Raze deleted this part, but in Chapter 2 she tells Kyle how Sanae hates him - and she has such a way with words that happen to aggravate Kyle).

Also, in response to changing things earlier on rather than later on, I think that it would be better to do it near the end. But that I suppose would be if he were to get it published. My reasoning for this is that as the story progresses, better ideas than the original may come up and make the writer want to change some things that occur earlier on in the novel. With your comment about the last part of Chapter 2 which has now been deleted and is once again under construction, I think it's evident that things can easily change no matter at any point in time. Mmm... Well, really, there's no need to pay heed to what I've said in this paragraph, just a consideration.

Bah, there was one more thing I wanted to say, but can't remember it for the life of me. Well, as always, any of my 'insights' are purely speculation and make of them what you will. It is rather late and I am rather tired, so I apologise in advance for anything I might have brought up that was ill-argued or that made little to no sense.

Anyway, keep at it Raze, no pressure to get through it quickly, and I look forward to that sex scene of which you spoke. Choreographed? For now, I'll have to leave that to my dreams.