Unnamed Story.

Sorry it's been so long! I took some time off today to do this for you guys; I'm glad Monday's Labor Day, so I have some more time to catch up on my work. This is just half of Chapter 2; I've decided to split my original plan for Chapter 2 into three, so that dramatic event at the end of this chapter I was talking about will be the main focus of Chapter 3 instead. This also means there isn't much Sanae in this chapter, but here goes.

EDIT:: Scene added at the end of this half, which should hopefully make the transition between the two halves of this chapter make more sense!

*Prose removed*

The second half of Chapter 2 should be pretty interesting. There'll be some Sanae, and some James, but again it'll mainly be Alia and Kyle.

And yes, playing a piano duet is pretty awesome. Especially if it's with a pretty girl.

Thanks Raze for chapter 2 1/2? :D looking froward to the next half of it.

I really enjoyed the lunch interaction scene.

that was great..but thats to be expected...

So I just went ahead and did the second half of this chapter. It was really difficult to write this half out, to be honest. So if you guys have any comments and suggestions feel free to throw them out.

EDIT:: Revised to make a bit more sense!

*Prose removed*

And that's Chapter 2! The relationship between Alia and James is more than just classmates; it will all be revealed in Chapter 3 (which I'm hoping won't take me like 4 months to write).

oooo, drama, Here's how I feel about the next chapter.

My comments about all of chapter 2:

The first half was a nice way of developing the relationship between Kyle and Alia. The second half, though, almost immediately destroys those developments. It went from a 'business relationship', so to speak, to complete indifference. The developments in the second half were pretty standard fare in my opinion. The only thing I was surprised with was James' decision not to do what Alia wanted.

Aside from that, I've never heard of a film having "premium tickets" to a "special viewer's box". So that mystifies me.

Yeah, it's pretty standard dramatic fare. You pointed out exactly what I didn't like about how I handled the second half; the transition from somewhat friendly relationship to one that was 'not-so-friendly'. I went through and proofread it before I posted it, and I didn't like how I suddenly introduced the film in the middle of the chapter and kinda left it half-open by the end of the chapter. When I came to write the second half of chapter 2, it felt like "righting the car who had veered off into the wrong lane", so to speak. Perhaps I could've had a few more lines of conversation before Kyle slaps Alia, but what I wanted to get across there (and probably failed) was that Kyle absolutely could not tolerate Alia saying clearly to him what he knew all along but denied it: Sanae does not like him at all. Slapping might've been a little too much (they are duet partners after all), so I think I'll revise this second half.



Yeah, you're quite right about that; I had no idea what I was thinking when I put that extraneous little bit of detail. That, too, will be revised.

did kyle really slap her? or did i just read it wrong... or was it intended?

I kinda liked the slap being there Raze. I think it helps show how strongly he feels about the situation and gives the guys a better reason to be angry and him besides just saying no rather meanly. Though Cheese-kun has a point, I don't think you actually said he slapped her so much as just had people respond to him doing it. That confused me at first too.
I also like that James decided not to take Sanea to the movies, it showed he isn't just your standard secondary male character pseudo-villain.

Hahah whoops. What happened was I originally wrote that he slapped her, then thought it was a little too harsh and went through it, removing any references to his slapping. Seems like I forgot to change that one.

In any case, did you guys feel that it's not too much that Kyle slapped Alia for stating openly that Sanae did not like him? Because I'd much rather it be there than not to be honest. I put it back in, so please let me know what you guys think.

I'm glad you guys liked that I decided not to have James take Sanae to the movies. If anything, I want my villains to be human, and not walking devils; they do the things they do because they cannot help but do it, not because they like seeing people around them suffer or something dumb like that. Which is why I've decided to split my original Chapter 2 plan into two, and insert James' past into the start of the new Chapter 3.

Considering what you said ...... I think the slap should stay in. When I first read the part, I had already anticipated that Kyle would slap Alia, so I didn't even notice that there was no reference to a slap until one of the guys started talking.

I do think that you should revise the first part of the chapter so it doesn't seem as if Alia is managing to tug on Kyle's heartstrings. This would help prevent the second part from seeming like a drastic change. Maybe make the first part from Kyle's perspective?

Awesome story ! Really liked it and looking forward for more !
Also, and this maybe already in your storyline or notes, what
would happen if Ian hears about the slap-rejection? What would
he do against Kyle ? Also, I was kinda giggling about the part
that Kyle had a few years of martial arts training :). I mean
he is smart, plays basketball & is good at Martial arts ?
Maybe a bit too much for 1 person. Especially Kyle, because he
was stressing for so long about the fact he raped someone.

Your good. Really Good. I always enjoy seing another's writing talent and yours is excellent. I look foward to another installment.

Raze...you gotta get all your friends together some artist and publishers and make this a like....12 Volume Doujin with like 100 pages in each,I'd pay money to read it,seriously..

Nicely done, though as you write more and add to the story I suggest organizing them all into one big post. (For convenience sakes, not me being lazy to click on the next thread page >_>)

I agree with Ramsus on the inclusion of the slap. It was a fine way to deal the mind-crumbling blow if you get me. I believe that in that situation, it would have been much more difficult to make Alia fall apart as much or little as she did with just words. Unless maybe his glares penetrates her, but that's much harder to visualise from the view of nearby people. I think that if you take out the slap, that those boys who were about to try roughing Kyle up will lose their reason to do so.

I disagree with Cheese-kun and Ramsus about the... validity and quality so to speak of the slap. I would think that it was somewhat noticeable, as it resulted in Alia's cheek being bruised.

I am finding myself liking James. In love and willing, but not a completely mindless slave to Alia, which makes him all the more dangerous and threatening to Kyle.

I agree with ZeroOBK about the transition from first half to second half of chapter 2. It is too sudden a change in attitudes. It feels as if there is a scene missing in between those 2 halves. I think that while Kyle's and Alia's relationship is slowly but steadily growing, at least in the eyes of Alia, Kyle should make contact with Sanae either at the end of or in the middle of Chapter 2. This contact would then make Kyle already edgy on the topic of Sanae, sparking his small outburst at the end of Chapter 2 or beginning of Chapter 3. I just thik that might clear things up a little.

All in all, I really liked the second half despite maybe a little issue of how smoothly it runs. I loved the first half with the duet practice. It details what could be considered a rather standard everyday activity and I believe really brings out the beauty of the situation. I especially liked how Alia interpreted everything that happened rather differently to what Kyle would have thought of the situation. I think that in a lot of stories and even in real life that moments move too quickly, whereas you slowed this down to what should be considered real time and depicted it as if it were a living painting. Thanks Raze, I'm really loving this!

Oh and I just thought of how Kyle could have put Alia in her place without physical violence, although it might be a little harder justifying a violent reaction from the boys as I mentioned earlier. Instead of telling Kyle that Sanae hated him and that she would turn him down, she could have asked him why he chooses Sanae over herself. Kyle could then reply with something like, "You are just like everyone else, Alia. You are worlds apart from me and that is why you never nor ever will understand". Somewhat corny, yes, but Raze, you're the author, not me. Personally I think I prefer the physical aspect. The action just has so much unsaid meaning it. It somewhat links back to the piano practice scene. Some things are just said better with actions than with words.

Well I've gone and prattled on nonsensically for long enough so I'll go on and make my conclusion.

James is an intriguing character - not so much a villain, but more of a rival. Yet he is no normal rival because he is so far not particularly comparable with Kyle except for that test. From what has been learnt so far, he doesn't seem particularly athletic, and we are unaware of what areas in which he really shines.I can't wait to see how he develops throughout the story. I feel as if he's the character who never feels that he's good enough. Reminds me of myself, and therefore I find myself drawn to him. Also love the fact that his mind is his own, even when in love.

Sanae - I can't wait to see how she will fit in to the next chapter, interacting with different characters accordingly. and I thought that guys went crazy about the girls that were loners? I get this from the manga series Psychic Academy and I refer to the girl Myuu who happens to be a mysterious, quiet loner who every guys wants to actually even by acknowledged by.

Well, keep trudging on Raze, you're doing a great job and you're quite inspiring as well!

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who commented! You have no idea how happy it makes me to read your compliments, and how fun it is to read other people's viewpoints and suggestions on how to improve my story. Authoring is pretty tough, but having and audience makes it more than worth it! You guys rock!


Ian, well... if your love rival suddenly rejected your crush, what would you do? XD

Although you won't be seeing much of Ian until around Chapter 4.


The reason I tried to have it seem like Alia was sorta managing to tug on Kyle's heartstrings was to make it more realistic. Yes, Kyle has been harboring a great sense of guilt while having this massive crush on Sanae all this time, and before anyone comments on how unrealistic it is that anyone could love someone for so long even though he had the whole school to choose from, sometimes, with just the right amount of hate, your crush for someone could grow and grow; people sometimes become obsessed with possessing the one thing they cannot have, and this is an example.

But even so, Kyle is a growing young man. And when you have this dynamite of a babe trying her best to court you from all sides, it's natural to get a little excited sometimes, correct? It also raises the interesting possibility that, some day, Kyle might decide to settle for Alia instead after realizing Sanae is no longer reachable... oh no! I just let some plot slip out! XD


Yes, this was indeed my main concern about the chapter. It seemed a little too spontaneous on the part of Kyle to just slap Alia like that when they were getting to know each other.

And you know what? That's a great suggestion. I'll insert a small scene sometime later in between the two halves to give reason for Kyle to defend his dear little Sanae. Thanks very much!


Yeah, he really doesn't have much to his credit apart from the fact he's smart and rich (which is more than enough to get you most girls when you're out and working, but doesn't get you much romance during your school days). He's also musical, but not phenomenal; he plays the violin, and I intended to reveal all of this in Chapter 3. His character is based on this rival and ex-friend I once had.


She's the kind of girl where her mere presence can make an entire room fall silent if you know what I mean, due to her being Kyle's object of affection and her almost mute personality. Before any of you think otherwise, she is attractive, in the sense that you want to cuddle her and protect her from all harm in the outside world. I really should've made some passing remark at some point in the story before (any suggestions where?) that she does get a small group of admirers. Her character is really quite complex though, which later events of the story should prove.

:shock: :shock: word...

.......My comments on Chapter 2....

I'm happy you finnaly wrote and posted chapter 2 but frankly a little dissapointed....

Good Parts
1)Developement - The developement in the 1st part was nice. It showed Kyle in a different light. It actually shows that Kyle is also interested in women other than Sanae. Alia also showed how much she adored/loved him and making the story much more interesting. James appearance means rivalry and rivalry is a must for love stories.

2)Information - You took the effort to gather information about music and written them nicely and for that i praise you. Taking time and the effort to gather information is a very good trait for a writer. So keep it up.

3)Dialogue - The dialogue was kept short therefore making it realistic. Dialogues that are too long makes it seem narrative and it kills the feel. Short dialogues are realistic and life-size so i enjoyed reading it. Good job on that.

Bad Parts
1)Developement - I mentioned developement just now, but it was just the 1st half. The 2nd half was.. frankly bad.... The developement was too sudden. How Kyle suddenly turn from a fairly nice guy to a total jerk was very unrealistic. I understand that you are trying to indicate that Kyle loved Sanae much much more than Alia but it backfired, the sudden change just made it seem as though you were doing a rush job on the 2nd half. Try not to rush your work, a good piece can become trash if you tried to rush it.

2)Descriptions - i've said it in almost all of my comments but i'm saying it again. Descriptions are one of the MOST IMPORTANT part of a story. Good detailed description allow the readers to imagine the characters better than a vague description. And that is just it. You didn't bother to describe James. All you wrote was: That was it....nothing at all about him. Please make an effort to describe him.

Don't take this too personally Raze. I'm commenting like this in all the stories i read so no hard feelings ok? :wink:

Rated 7.5/10.0 *sigh* could have been better if not for the 2nd half....