Unnamed Story.

Ignoring the fifth comment i should say that it would be selfish of you to say that this story should not have this ending or something of the like cause people might like that ending even if you don't. Like they say one man's meat is another man's poison. Just let Raze do his/her thing ok?(I don't know if you are a guy or girl Raze hehe....sorry)

Very nice job so far, Raze. i hope you continue to work on this story. :D

ok ok sorry for that xrick i guess i was a bit harsh..... have you thought of a name for your story yet? If not i can help i guess if you don't mind i mean.....

The main characters are Kyle, Sanae and Alia right?Maybe Voice of Heart ~Love and Sorrow~

Would that work? I thought it out while i was thinking of a story to write lol.....If you don't think it's good feel free to tell me straight out.....

Good job Raze. I applaud you on your great story so far; I can't wait for the next part. : )

That's good, but it won't make the story much dramatic.

If I could Raze, I would kiss you, or at least your display picture in a non-homosexual manner. (Given that you are a guy of course, sorry but some of the previous people got me a little confused).

Okay, the first half of the prologue was very alluring to me. It has made your unfinished story number one on my personal list. I'll admit that I do not like rape very much, and I was hoping that you'd stir things up a little by not having rape in the second half. Despite this, I am now rather pleased that you kept the rape in, because it has definitely resulted in a plot that is oh-so easy on one's eyes. Also, the situation under which the rape occurs is very realistic I believe.

The characters... Well, I'll start with Kyle. I like the way that you have portrayed him in the prologue, the person who is unable to relate to anyone except for Sanae. Yes, he is indeed intelligent for his age, but I personally don't think it was necessary for him to swear so much. I would have said this before you wrote Chapter 1, but I was too late - I think it would create a more dramatic effect if you cut down on the excess swearing, and have Kyle swear only in the most climatic of situations, and be careful not to overdo it. I believe you achieved this in Chapter 1, when he shoves Alia away and flees the scene.
I liked the young Kyle because I feel that I could very much relate to him, and understand his reasons for raping Sanae.
Despite this, I rather disliked the current Kyle. He is arrogant, and somewhat self-obsessed. The only thing now that compels me towards his character is his undying and unrivaled love for Sanae. I admire him for never accepting any other girl as his girlfriend.

Next up is Sanae. The timid, frail on the outside, but strong-willed character I believe. She does not talk much, but that makes her few lines of speech so far all the more precious. Everytime she says something, it seems to affect the protagonist rather dramatically. To me, she is the shining beacon of your story so far. How could anyone possibly resist that sarcastic smile?

Last of all is Alia. I love the name. I wish I could say the same for the character, though. She is too self-centered, ignorant and, sorry for the bad use of the English language here, 'girly'. I say this because she reminds of every girl in high school that I ever knew. She just seems so immature, although it may just be the fact that you have made Kyle and Sanae so mature so far. In an ironic sort of way, Alia is my dream-hate girl. I don't like how she assumes that Kyle just has to like her more than just a classmate just because he got an erection. Also, the way she indirectly cut off Ian, really TRULY makes me want to see her get hurt emotionally in a similar manner. I don't want her to be physically abused, oh no, that is far too weak a punishment. Emotional breakdown is key.

Ah, I've rambled on a tad, haven't I? Sorry, but your story is seriously worth it.

I'll wrap things up here with one last piece of advice - Be careful now that you have made Kyle so mature in his youth, because now he seems to be of rather normal intelligence. That is his way of thinking of which I speak of course, not all the extra-curricular activities and refined music taste.

Well Raze, I commend you on this work, and can't wait to see more in the future.

p.s. Alia thrusting as she masturbates? I can only imagine that making an incredibly humourous panel in an h-manga.

Deft_Monkey, you make some excellent points and I thank you for your opinions. For most of what you wrote, I'd say "all is going according to plan". XD

I will agree that perhaps I made Kyle way too smart and obscene in his language in the prologue. I suppose I could have made it more silent, where Kyle just does the deed without saying much at all. I suppose I might change that when I revise the story when it's finished (if it ever gets there). =S

I speak from experience when I say that, especially for young men like Kyle, that if you have the talent and looks, and are constantly being admired by everyone around you, arrogance is only too natural. I remember being far more arrogant during my high-school years at times, and I've frequently been labeled as 'cocky' and 'arrogant'. Remember that I'm dealing with the so-called 'popular folk' that most people seem to hate in school, and if you noticed, Kyle isn't very well liked by the boys. In my planning notes I did indeed characterize Kyle as 'somewhat arrogant'. ^_^

Does Kyle seem to be of normal intelligence now? Hmmm. That might be another point I need to take note of in that case. I wouldn't say he was that mature, since he wouldn't have raped Sanae otherwise, but give me specific examples of where he doesn't seem very smart anymore and I'll look into it. Although, with things such as love and life stuff, it's rather difficult to handle at any age I reckon. I suppose I'll make him speak slightly more formally to convey a sense of maturity.

I'm glad you liked Sanae, and I'm even more glad that you've described her in the exact same way as I had intended her to be. Unfortunately, poor Sanae will suffer quite a bit in this drama.

And oh, I have so much drama planned out involving Alia. She will become terribly hurt emotionally in Chapter 2. In fact, her getting severely hurt is key to how the story progresses. I'm actually glad you said 'she reminds of every girl in high school that I ever knew', because it's what I intended for her beginning characterization. If you remember that this is set in a secondary school (high-school pretty much), considering someone with her looks and her privileges, her somewhat extreme girlishness and ignorance is justified. She hasn't really been 'hurt' yet, so to speak. Also, bear in mind she's in love with Kyle to the point of insanity, which is the main reason I put in the masturbation scene, apart from perhaps some pandering to the FAKKU folk. *blushes* As for 'thrusting', I just couldn't think of another suitable word or phrase to use that wouldn't disrupt the flow of the story, but what I meant was the involuntary hip motion that some girls do when heavily, heavily aroused (ie. during masturbation or sex).

Looks like I rambled quite a bit myself! And, no, I won't make an ending where everyone kills each other with hack-saws and kitchen knives, but like I said, I don't really know how to end it, so who knows. A harem ending is unlikely however, not because I don't like it, but because it just doesn't happen, if you get my drift.

I just realised something, which I believe has affected my image of Kyle's intelligence. You changed the point of view in the Chapter 1 from the prologue. In the prologue, it was from a first person point of view, but in chapter 1, it is from a third person point of view.

So, he probably is still rather intelligent for his age, but the new point of view just isn't as personal as in the prologue, making it more difficult for his intelligence to be conveyed effectively.

As for his maturity, I agree that it isn't that full on, but raping Sanae I think counts as heat of the moment. I mean, people can be mature, but that can all change when confronted with those who they love. I believe the saying goes something like, love makes fools of us all?

As for the masturbation scene with the 'thrusting', 'jolting sharply' or something along those lines is something that I would probably think of putting. Otherwise, I'd go for the simile - "Her hips bucked like a horse".

I look forward to Chapter 2. I understand that Sanae will get hurt furthermore, but it was somewhat predictable. What exactly will happen to her though, is very intriguing. I'm glad to hear about Alia, and am very eager to discover how her character will develop.

I'm glad you're not going to end the story in a gory manner, and furthermore so that you probably won't have a harem ending. It definitely has to be realistic. I imaigne it will end in a beautiful manner, no matter how depressing it is.

The change of view isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just a bit confusing with the sudden change. I agree with you xrick, about the way in which third person makes us view the characters more equally. I think it just worked so well in the prologue because it was all from Kyle's point of view. Now it seems like less of his story, and just a mix of several characters'.

I realise that this must be the aim of using a third person view, but it seems like it draws too much attention away from the protagonist. I think what I'm trying to say is that while third person view is all good and well, first person is much more powerful. Maybe, you can alternate between chapters, where the whole chapter is just from one person's point of view? Or you could have sections in a chapter from different characters' points of view.

It's all up to you Raze. Surprise us. We love it. (I by no means try to represent everyone else when I say 'we')

Damnit, Raze. Fucking BUMP!

agreed.

Sorry guys! I've been so busy recently it's not funny. I've written like a paragraph of Chapter 2 so far, so I'll try to get to halfway through and post it.

If anything, there's going to be quite a bit of Alia in this chapter. XD

thanks for the update!

Thanks for the status update. I hope you find some time in you busy life. ^_^