leonard267 Posts
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
DatYuriThough wrote...
Okay, so whether or not my life has been sorted out or not I've decided to post a little update as to what has happened. So recently I got bad medical news that has deterred me from writing more of The Children of Lux and I wanted to explain why I've lost the motivation to continue writing. You'll need some context of my life first to understand why this has been such a big issue for me. As I'm sure you'll know I like Yuri because I'm a Lesbian (You should have seen some comments left by my Girlfriend) but despite that the thing I've always wanted to have a child of my own and I've been doing research over ways I could have one (such as IVF). The only issue is I always wanted to be pregnant since I always wanted it to be my child (and that has always been a non-negotiable point of my dream). So I booked an appointment with a local physician to discuss the possibilities of how I could go through with this and my physician said it would be best just to see if I was fertile. She said it would be fine since the odds were in my favour given how both of my parents were fertile and general statistics suggested I would be fine. As it turns out I'm completely infertile. This killed my dream of ever being a mother, adopting wasn't an option since I wanted it to be mine. This killed a lot of my motivation as a result and sent me into a depressive spiral of which I haven't really been able to exit so far. I'm not so proud of this story so far (based off the amount of criticisms, not the criticisms themselves. Some people didn't gather that from what I've said and have acted in an unsympathetic way, calling me ungrateful despite the fact if you looked back I always thanked everyone for their feedback and even continued to ask people for feedback even after these events) and that was a reason for why I didn't want to continue but it won't stop me. What may stop me is the crippling depression, however, I am moving passed it so hopefully I'll start up again soon.
Anyway, I hope you stick with the story if you have been reading it, keep giving feedback and I apologise if I acted in a rude manner to any of you. I'm sorry, truly I am for acting in a way I shouldn't have, but it hasn't been a good couple of weeks for me.
I'm also sorry that I'm posting this as my problems shouldn't have to involve any of you but I needed to in order to explain my actions and apologise. So hopefully the next chapter may be here soon, depending on how quickly I move passed this.
I am looking forward to it.
Here is a thread that I have created months ago to lampoon the contest entries (mine included) submitted for an event months ago. It is written in the hope to make people, myself above all, laugh. I hope you would be entertained by it.
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-writing-contest-wrap-up-campaigning-and-mudslinging#4017030
ED: I have read the latest chapters of your story. It appears to me that the first few chapters did attempt at some kind of foreshadowing about the true identities of our heroes. I felt that the story dropped hints which include the title of this story, the prologue of the story, Olsen's strange powers and the even stranger circumstances that led to Olsen and Cerice being in a relationship.
It felt somewhat satisfying to see the dots connect together.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I've read thy Winter Contest 2013 submission on the definition of "cold". Some said it was dry, but I liked it. Although I'm pretty new, especially to the Writing and Fanfiction forum, I noticed a few references to the judges in the beginning.
I have a thread that I personally proud of. It is a compilation of stories that depict how I 're-imagined' the other contest entries. I did say that I would not use informal language to describe a funeral but I have to take that back.
One of the stories titled, "Yes, It is a Funeral" gives a rather cheeky and somewhat dismissive description of a funeral. I was pressed for time while writing that so you will spot errors (that I strongly urge you not to correct).
I wrote that to amuse others and above all, myself. I hope you would be entertained as well. Here is the link:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-writing-contest-wrap-up-campaigning-and-mudslinging
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
As promised, I will leave my thoughts about your contribution in this post. I am sorry that I could not do it earlier as I was busy the past few days.
If I am not mistaken, it is about how King Krauph (not seen in the story) conquered the village of Gaava. The defenders employed deception but to no avail and they were slaughtered in the end.
I am largely in agreement about the remarks made about the story being hard to read because of the language used and introduction of characters and places that do not directly affect the story itself. (Not to mention that I had difficulty distinguishing the Gaavans from the Ilckurians. I suppose the Gaavans hail from a village and the Ilckurians are a nation or at least a race.)
It felt like what I had to go through while mastering the English language where upon encountering new vocabulary, I referred to a dictionary or tried to figure out what the word meant through the context of the sentence. Not to say that writing in such a manner is a bad thing.
I am of the opinion that the language used depends on the target audience and the tone the writer wishes to set for the story. For example, I will not be using informal language when I am describing a funeral!
I would suggest using words that are commonplace in use while throwing one or two words that aren't. It may be hypocrisy on my part. I am accused of coming up with tedious pieces of work because of the language and words I use. (You can refer to the topics I created, if you wish. I hope you won't mind me begging you not to remark about the grammatical errors in those topics.)
I wouldn't call it a complete story because it introduced gods, places, politics whose significance cannot be fully explained in the context of one battle. This is where I suggest a longer story and a prologue to explain the places and the setting of that story.
As for content, I take issue with the blacksmith being introduced properly first instead of Dovlyre. I understand that Dovlyre's appearance and names are covered in great detail but not his motivation or his occupation in the first few paragraphs. We understand that he is a commander but whose army was he commanding and what were his aims? It is explained later in the story but I would have it explained right at the start.
Why introduce Haviir the blacksmith when he is not party to the sacking of the village? I did not manage to catch his role in the story other than he being responsible of leading a caravan and it being implied that he was responsible for forging our hero's armour? What was the caravan for? Was it to stock Dovlyre's force with supplies?
I have a vague idea what was happening but I could not go through the details of the battle either because of the language or because I had that made it difficult for me to plough through each sentence carefully. Who Dovlyre is killing and the significance of finding an Earth Quolen are lost to me.
I commend the parts of the story that furthered the plot like Krauph's craving for empire and Ceppul's attempt to ensnare Dovlyre. Being a reader of non-fiction, I look out for main points instead of appreciating the prose. Never mind my vocabulary (or lack of it)! As long as I understand what is going on, it is a good enough story for me. If the opening sentences in the paragraphs of the story were more indicative of what Dovlyre intended to do to the village like cleaning pockets of resistance and what not it would make for a more pleasant read.
Other points:
The ceremony performed towards the end of the story is very strange to me. I see what you meant by a threnodial paean (or a poem about victory written like a lament if Google doesn't fail me) but it seems like a misnomer to me! I thought a paean or a victory ceremony would be more cheerful and complimentary to the victors! Calling the victors (or themselves) instruments of the devil was baffling to me.
Some expressions I am not too comfortable with. Feel free to ignore:
Noise desiccated by the Sun (would have preferred 'noise dissipated by the desert air)
Staunch soldiers (that are fresh recruits?) that give unpleasant nicknames to their commander.
Closed lips (Sealed lips? Lips can't close themselves)
Eyes awoken (I would settle for 'rouse', 'eyes sprang open?')
Closing Remarks:
Thank you for this thread. Would love to see this universe expanded.
If I am not mistaken, it is about how King Krauph (not seen in the story) conquered the village of Gaava. The defenders employed deception but to no avail and they were slaughtered in the end.
I am largely in agreement about the remarks made about the story being hard to read because of the language used and introduction of characters and places that do not directly affect the story itself. (Not to mention that I had difficulty distinguishing the Gaavans from the Ilckurians. I suppose the Gaavans hail from a village and the Ilckurians are a nation or at least a race.)
It felt like what I had to go through while mastering the English language where upon encountering new vocabulary, I referred to a dictionary or tried to figure out what the word meant through the context of the sentence. Not to say that writing in such a manner is a bad thing.
I am of the opinion that the language used depends on the target audience and the tone the writer wishes to set for the story. For example, I will not be using informal language when I am describing a funeral!
I would suggest using words that are commonplace in use while throwing one or two words that aren't. It may be hypocrisy on my part. I am accused of coming up with tedious pieces of work because of the language and words I use. (You can refer to the topics I created, if you wish. I hope you won't mind me begging you not to remark about the grammatical errors in those topics.)
I wouldn't call it a complete story because it introduced gods, places, politics whose significance cannot be fully explained in the context of one battle. This is where I suggest a longer story and a prologue to explain the places and the setting of that story.
As for content, I take issue with the blacksmith being introduced properly first instead of Dovlyre. I understand that Dovlyre's appearance and names are covered in great detail but not his motivation or his occupation in the first few paragraphs. We understand that he is a commander but whose army was he commanding and what were his aims? It is explained later in the story but I would have it explained right at the start.
Why introduce Haviir the blacksmith when he is not party to the sacking of the village? I did not manage to catch his role in the story other than he being responsible of leading a caravan and it being implied that he was responsible for forging our hero's armour? What was the caravan for? Was it to stock Dovlyre's force with supplies?
I have a vague idea what was happening but I could not go through the details of the battle either because of the language or because I had that made it difficult for me to plough through each sentence carefully. Who Dovlyre is killing and the significance of finding an Earth Quolen are lost to me.
I commend the parts of the story that furthered the plot like Krauph's craving for empire and Ceppul's attempt to ensnare Dovlyre. Being a reader of non-fiction, I look out for main points instead of appreciating the prose. Never mind my vocabulary (or lack of it)! As long as I understand what is going on, it is a good enough story for me. If the opening sentences in the paragraphs of the story were more indicative of what Dovlyre intended to do to the village like cleaning pockets of resistance and what not it would make for a more pleasant read.
Other points:
The ceremony performed towards the end of the story is very strange to me. I see what you meant by a threnodial paean (or a poem about victory written like a lament if Google doesn't fail me) but it seems like a misnomer to me! I thought a paean or a victory ceremony would be more cheerful and complimentary to the victors! Calling the victors (or themselves) instruments of the devil was baffling to me.
Some expressions I am not too comfortable with. Feel free to ignore:
Noise desiccated by the Sun (would have preferred 'noise dissipated by the desert air)
Staunch soldiers (that are fresh recruits?) that give unpleasant nicknames to their commander.
Closed lips (Sealed lips? Lips can't close themselves)
Eyes awoken (I would settle for 'rouse', 'eyes sprang open?')
Closing Remarks:
Thank you for this thread. Would love to see this universe expanded.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Mere words cannot describe him. Perhaps he can tell me why the thread starter wants me to refer to him as "teh" (sic) user.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
The Logophile wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
'Lay' is an transitive verb and its intransitive form is 'lie'. Wait did thou just say lie is the intransitive form of lay... that's not how it works. They are two different verbs that are commonly mixed up. Lay is transitive, yes; lie is transitive, yes. But in no way is lie a form of lay. I know about transitivity already; thou don't need to educate me. Finally, lie and lay:
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/lie
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/lay
There are two verbs that always get mixed up: lie and lay.
Lie (present tense/bare infinitive)
Lay (past tense)
Lying (present participle)
Lain (past participle)
Lay (present tense/bare infinitive)
Laid (past tense and past participle)
Laying (present participle)
Also, if thou read thy link that thou posted, thou'll see that it substantiates what I'm saying.
leonard267 wrote...
I will get to your story soon hopefully, Logophile. Thank you thee, still haven't got a hang of that.
I stand corrected. (I read that line of Yuri's to mean that the God of Light was led to the coffin.)
I still maintain that lay and lie are pretty much transitive and intransitive forms of each other. You are not going to deny that there are similarities between them in meaning aren't you?
To make things more confusing, the word 'lied' which I wrongly used is the past tense of (telling a) lie, it seems.
Disclaimer: Neither DatYuriThough nor I use American English though what you said still applies for UK English.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Xenon wrote...
Oh, leonard. Why did I foresee something just like this coming? I am not surprised one bit. Quite the humorous trip, the random alliterations to various people or concepts serve your humor well. On the positive side, your grammar is mostly astounding and it pleases me to see.Disclaimer: I am an editor by nature. I read word-for-word and I pick up almost every little thing. So, the only way I can express my corrections is by directly reposting your story. Additions are in red, comments are in dark red, removals are strike-through. Here you are.
Spoiler:
I have an axe to grind with you Xenon over a well intentioned post made over four months ago!
It appears that realize is Queen's English, recommended by the Oxford English Dictionary (and Cambridge Dictionary it seems) though realise is used widely by the British.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_and_British_English_spelling_differences#-ise.2C_-ize_.28-isation.2C_-ization.29
You are right though. If I want to be consistent I should not use 'realise' in one paragraph then 'realize' in another.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
The Logophile wrote...
DatYuriThough wrote...
…as the armoured man led in the coffin… Please don’t take this as an offense, but I’m going to go grammarian on this because it incessantly irks me. The past tense verb of “lie” is “lay” while its past participle is “lain”. I love words and dislike their obsolescence.
I don't pick on grammatical errors that often. I pick on how content is presented instead. However, I will make an exception here because the information presented is a bit inaccurate.
'Lay' is an transitive verb and its intransitive form is 'lie'. Unlike Japanese, English has very few verbs with transitive and intransitive forms. (d, if you are reading this: you are studying Japanese aren't you? Discerning the difference between é–‹ã and é–‹ã‘ã‚‹ is enough to throw me into a state of despair. I hope that does not happen to you)
Transitive verbs are used to indicate that the subject is performing an action on an object. I (Subject) laid (transitive verb) a corpse (object) on the table.
Intransitive verbs are used to indicate that the subject is performing the verb itself. There is no object here. The zombie (subject) lied lay on the table.
Past tense: The armoured man lied in the coffin, preparing himself to sleep.
Past participle: The armoured man had lain in the coffin for the past hour.
Source: http://web.ku.edu/~edit/lie.html
That said, I have a bone to pick with Xenon about ize/ise and Queen's English...
I will get to your story soon hopefully, Logophile. Don't worry, I won't be picking on grammar if I were to do that.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I see. For me, it is the complete opposite. If I manage to arouse interest with my writing, I would be motivated to write more. I welcome exposition and if you should ask me to describe Xion, I would bring in my personal opinions and not play the dispassionate narrator:
Xion is a polity. It has borders, it has a government, it has people, it has culture, it has an army, it has an economy and it even invented what we would identify as 'financial instruments'. All signs point to Xion being a thriving medieval city.
However, she is surrounded by countries that aren't blessed by the God of Light or the more powerful Goddess of Luck (Lady Luck as we know her) or the even more powerful God of Thrift, Resourcefulness, Assiduousness and Drive or the yet more powerful Man who (potentially) possesses all of these attributes.
The learned man acquainted with the machinations and cruelties of medieval geopolitics should know that when powerful empires on the ascendant share borders with not so powerful non-empires on the decline, the latter states would be left wishing for the imposition of anachronistic international laws crafted by anachronistic international bodies. Since those bodies that proclaim themselves as guardians of international peace did not (and could not) exist in this universe, they are screwed.
Where writing is concerned, what I encounter however is the inability to come up with scenarios. My choice of what to write is influenced by this. You will find that most of my writing pokes fun of the work of others or aren't stories at all.
I really applaud and admire you and others who contribute to this forum by coming with up stories. Rest assured that I am some way or another inspired by what you came up with.
Xion is a polity. It has borders, it has a government, it has people, it has culture, it has an army, it has an economy and it even invented what we would identify as 'financial instruments'. All signs point to Xion being a thriving medieval city.
However, she is surrounded by countries that aren't blessed by the God of Light or the more powerful Goddess of Luck (Lady Luck as we know her) or the even more powerful God of Thrift, Resourcefulness, Assiduousness and Drive or the yet more powerful Man who (potentially) possesses all of these attributes.
The learned man acquainted with the machinations and cruelties of medieval geopolitics should know that when powerful empires on the ascendant share borders with not so powerful non-empires on the decline, the latter states would be left wishing for the imposition of anachronistic international laws crafted by anachronistic international bodies. Since those bodies that proclaim themselves as guardians of international peace did not (and could not) exist in this universe, they are screwed.
Where writing is concerned, what I encounter however is the inability to come up with scenarios. My choice of what to write is influenced by this. You will find that most of my writing pokes fun of the work of others or aren't stories at all.
I really applaud and admire you and others who contribute to this forum by coming with up stories. Rest assured that I am some way or another inspired by what you came up with.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
DatYuriThough wrote...
Chapter 7. This is a short Chapter in comparison to the others. To be fair, I'm lacking motivation to continue this series and I've been debating with myself whether or not to go back to either Sci-Fi or just general Romance since they're my stronger areas of writing. Dunno what to do though...I see plenty of things to expand on in the story, especially the countries, their politics, culture and people. We know that Despra has rich culture and its geography would affect how its people live, behave and think. How would such a country respond in the face of belligerent and militarist power bent on hegemony?
Where geopolitics in your universe is concerned, I thought you would be doing that conventional plot where a powerful country, Xion, is threatening to subsume the three other countries and is rather successful in its attempts to do so! If you are a history fanatic (I admit to being one), you can go into the histories of many countries and seek inspiration from there. For example, I have heard the Game of Thrones is based on the War of the Roses. I see such a story centring around those who are involved in defending the three countries from Xion's advances, perhaps through divine intervention by a resurrected God of Light.
Not sure whether you would be willing to do so but I suggest that you can ask others for their opinions on how the plot would continue or share with them your ideas for the story, gain inspiration from those ideas and continue the story.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
He will be lectured by me on how I disagree with his assessment of history. Details are in the spoiler below.
[/spoil]
Spoiler:
[/spoil]
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Would like to ask him why he is so enarmored of the Shang Dynasty.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I'd like to ask a question which I think can be answered if read through the chapters very, very thoroughly. At the point in time of Chapter 5, how many days had passed since Olsen met Cerice? It seemed to me that it took half a week to clear the bandits and half a week to meet up with the Despra king and princess.
I am a bit obsessed with realism if you ask me for my tastes in writing. As I have said before, I am of the belief (which could be mistaken) that good fiction is based on non-fiction. It is definitely easier to appreciate a work of fiction if it relates to what I am familiar with in the real world.
I spotting one spelling error which I must point out. Ofre cannot be viscous unless he were a liquid. I think vicious was the word you are looking for. That said, are there any other sentient creatures in your universe other than humans? Asked out of curiosity.
I am a bit obsessed with realism if you ask me for my tastes in writing. As I have said before, I am of the belief (which could be mistaken) that good fiction is based on non-fiction. It is definitely easier to appreciate a work of fiction if it relates to what I am familiar with in the real world.
I spotting one spelling error which I must point out. Ofre cannot be viscous unless he were a liquid. I think vicious was the word you are looking for. That said, are there any other sentient creatures in your universe other than humans? Asked out of curiosity.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
DatYuriThough wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Spoiler:
It was my intention to be merry, however, I feel the need to disagree about it being'surreal' because I've used my previous and current relationship as references for Romance. I can understand how anyone outside my life could see this as 'surreal' (In fact I kind agree that it isn't the most normal type of relationship ever from how me and my Girlfriend act) but my experiences in romance kind of led me to write like this and so I think a better way to phrase it would be 'alternative' rather than 'surreal'.
As for your idea of a 'Spell' to make them fall for one-another? That isn't too far off from the truth in all respects, but you'll have to wait a few Chapters to fully understand why I have done this (I always plan out these important things).
Hope my first point didn't sound like I was being rude or anything, it's not like I expected anyone to know that my only other Romantic experiences were 'abnormal' in comparison to most peoples and essentially cause my Romantic plot developments to seem 'Surreal' but it's all I know, I'm just really sensitive about how people phrase things like that (Not that you could have known that at all).
Not at all! When I say 'merry and surreal', I think of stories like One Piece where the characters behave implausibly but are very merry and happy. In no way does that mean that the story is bad. It is the context that made the actions of the characters in your story surreal rather than the actions themselves.
Take for example Aria's behaviour towards Olsen in front of a complete stranger or take for example that all of this is occurring between very important political figures like the High Priestess of the Land of Light and the future Queen Regnant of Despra. And all of that happening while the Beast of Chaos is threatening to destroy that world!
However, if Aria and Cerice were schoolgirls in a world similar to reality, I would find it more plausible and perhaps less entertaining. That may not necessarily be a good thing.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
This little epiphany of mine came about after arguing about how to begin a story and how to write a prologue. I suspect my writing style to be inspired by British authors even though I have never, prior to this, read their work.
I enjoyed reading the awful and brilliant William McGonagall's descriptions of how he prepared his breakfast before going out for a serious appointment. I enjoyed how Vernon Dursley is introduced in 3rd person and his daily routine explained in the Philosopher's Stone. I enjoyed the encyclopedic entry-like prologue of the Lord of the Rings. I enjoyed how Charles Dickens started writing the Tale of Two Cities and felt very annoyed by how the adapted version of that story was butchered (in my humble opinion) by some English Head of Department in the American continent.
They all adhere to my tastes in writing, introducing the setting of the story or at least telling the story from the point of view of a character so that I can understand what is happening in that story.
What follows will be a collection of my thoughts reading through the original Tale of Two Cities and the adapted version of that story:
The Original:
A very sarcastic assessment and introduction of the period this story is set in. I loved how the narrator is giving his own opinion (whilst digressing and ranting a lot) about Joanna Southcott, the self proclaimed prophet, the religious prosecution of France and the lawlessness in England, not to mention making fun of the faces of those who ruled these countries. I understood what world I was in.
Chapter 2 - The Mail
That was part of the second chapter where at least they point out who was our protagonist in the first two sentences, known as the "passenger" (later revealed to be Jarvis Lorry). It helps me to understand the story.
Contrast that with the adapted version
Adapted Version
Part of Chapter 1 (The Mail Coach)
There was an attempt in introduction (by giving a date and telling me that a horse-drawn vehicle is going up a hill) but gone was the sarcastic narrator giving his opinions and I still don't know who the protagonist of the story is. Moreover, why I should concern myself with a carriage moving up a hill risking becoming a victim to a 18th century version of a grand theft auto? What is so special about November 1775?
It seems as if I am trying to imitate Dickens style of writing even before reading his work!
I enjoyed reading the awful and brilliant William McGonagall's descriptions of how he prepared his breakfast before going out for a serious appointment. I enjoyed how Vernon Dursley is introduced in 3rd person and his daily routine explained in the Philosopher's Stone. I enjoyed the encyclopedic entry-like prologue of the Lord of the Rings. I enjoyed how Charles Dickens started writing the Tale of Two Cities and felt very annoyed by how the adapted version of that story was butchered (in my humble opinion) by some English Head of Department in the American continent.
They all adhere to my tastes in writing, introducing the setting of the story or at least telling the story from the point of view of a character so that I can understand what is happening in that story.
What follows will be a collection of my thoughts reading through the original Tale of Two Cities and the adapted version of that story:
The Original:
Spoiler:
A very sarcastic assessment and introduction of the period this story is set in. I loved how the narrator is giving his own opinion (whilst digressing and ranting a lot) about Joanna Southcott, the self proclaimed prophet, the religious prosecution of France and the lawlessness in England, not to mention making fun of the faces of those who ruled these countries. I understood what world I was in.
Chapter 2 - The Mail
Spoiler:
That was part of the second chapter where at least they point out who was our protagonist in the first two sentences, known as the "passenger" (later revealed to be Jarvis Lorry). It helps me to understand the story.
Contrast that with the adapted version
Adapted Version
Part of Chapter 1 (The Mail Coach)
Spoiler:
There was an attempt in introduction (by giving a date and telling me that a horse-drawn vehicle is going up a hill) but gone was the sarcastic narrator giving his opinions and I still don't know who the protagonist of the story is. Moreover, why I should concern myself with a carriage moving up a hill risking becoming a victim to a 18th century version of a grand theft auto? What is so special about November 1775?
It seems as if I am trying to imitate Dickens style of writing even before reading his work!
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
If you look through the past arguments I had with d (you can find them in the topics he creates and the topics I create), you would discover that we have different tastes in writing and we rarely agree. The same can be said about how we felt about the relationship between Cerice and Olsen.
After reading the fourth chapter, I was entertained for it felt light-hearted to me especially Cerice's displays of jealousy, her infatuation with Olsen and her pleas with Olsen to stay truthful to her. Their relationship appeared not to be serious to me, something which I can forgive if the story was not intended to be serious or realistic, quite like those Japanese cartoons.
Just in case I was mistaken in thinking so, I've re-read the second chapter. It seemed to me that both Olsen and Cerice fell for each other due to some spell rather than their personal qualities. While d would like to cut down the build up to a romantic relationship, I would argue against that. I see all fiction as parodies or depictions of non-fiction (which is why I prefer reading the latter) so I prefer Olsen and Cerice to become romantically involved in a more realistic fashion.
For a romantic relationship to develop, Cerice and Olsen might need to have a mutual admiration for their qualities or them simply being comfortable with each other's company. But for that to happen, I'd imagine Cerice and Olsen would have to go for a few more adventures with each other.
For me, it is more moving to see a relationship slowly developing and finally culminating into a romance rather than to see them already in a romantic relationship. These are my tastes for realistic and more serious stories. (You can read one of my topics "The Aristocrat, the Peasant and The City" for an idea of how I would write romance but I have to warn you that it is quite painful to read. Not my style at all.)
That aside, I thought the relationship between Cerice and Olsen a brilliant parody of a romance! I almost laughed reading it. If a merry and surreal story is what you are going for, you have done a remarkable job.
After reading the fourth chapter, I was entertained for it felt light-hearted to me especially Cerice's displays of jealousy, her infatuation with Olsen and her pleas with Olsen to stay truthful to her. Their relationship appeared not to be serious to me, something which I can forgive if the story was not intended to be serious or realistic, quite like those Japanese cartoons.
Just in case I was mistaken in thinking so, I've re-read the second chapter. It seemed to me that both Olsen and Cerice fell for each other due to some spell rather than their personal qualities. While d would like to cut down the build up to a romantic relationship, I would argue against that. I see all fiction as parodies or depictions of non-fiction (which is why I prefer reading the latter) so I prefer Olsen and Cerice to become romantically involved in a more realistic fashion.
For a romantic relationship to develop, Cerice and Olsen might need to have a mutual admiration for their qualities or them simply being comfortable with each other's company. But for that to happen, I'd imagine Cerice and Olsen would have to go for a few more adventures with each other.
For me, it is more moving to see a relationship slowly developing and finally culminating into a romance rather than to see them already in a romantic relationship. These are my tastes for realistic and more serious stories. (You can read one of my topics "The Aristocrat, the Peasant and The City" for an idea of how I would write romance but I have to warn you that it is quite painful to read. Not my style at all.)
That aside, I thought the relationship between Cerice and Olsen a brilliant parody of a romance! I almost laughed reading it. If a merry and surreal story is what you are going for, you have done a remarkable job.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
mibuchiha wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
I see the same problem in Mibuchiha's Kierre story and your Age of Anarchy. Problem is, it was indeed a prologue! It'll make more sense later (heh, as if you even read the current ones)!
As I said, a prologue is not really a prequel or necessarily a narrative. It introduces the setting and the mechanics of the universe and it may not be a story and may be like an encyclopedia entry.
I have read the prologue at least, don't worry. It was essentially what had happened to our hero's father before he kicked the bucket. I expect the prologue to explain in detail (and that will definitely get in the way of a narrative) what a Psychverse is, what the organisations and clans are (especially the clan of Kierre) without needing to read what happens later. The prologue that is written reads more like a Chapter 0 or a prequel.
Yuri, thank you for the third chapter. Personally, I find descriptions of the village much more interesting than the descriptions of how Cerice stabbed two bandits to death. If there were a description of what was in the village and its geography or layout, what was the motivation of the bandits (one can guess but I think no harm is done by spelling it out) it would no doubt help me to appreciate what was going on and what was at stake.
When I read your story, I thought of bandits cutting off escape routes and blockading the village. I also thought of makeshift gaols where they would house their prisoners. All of these would require a description of where the bandits were and what the bandits were. (I have the feeling that the bandits are of little consequence where the main story is concerned but rather a device for our heroes to demonstrate their physical prowess) Nonetheless, describing them adds meat to the universe this story is set in.
Long story short, my usual gripes in pretty much everything I read. The setting and motivations must be made clear even though this is not the prologue.
Also, feel free to point out that whatever I write does not do that.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Above user sounds like a magical incantation and somehow brings Runescape to mind.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
SneeakyAsian wrote...
[color=#993300]I like the Shang Dynasty and the Meiji Restoration period. The reign of Peter the Great in Russia was also very nice. The Byzantine empire is one of my top favorites as well. I'm not really pickyShang Dynasty? Why though? Not as much written about this era compared to other periods. My favourite era should be the Spring and Autumn / Warring States era that begun 600 years after the end of the Shang era. Followed closely by China in the 80s to the present and the Manchu Empire (better known as the Qing Dynasty)
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I wonder whether above user is flooded with 'notifications'.
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
You will get 10/10 if you tell me your thoughts about my contribution to the Writing Section!